Disclaimer: no infringement intended whatsoever.
A/N: Okay, a few explanations first. I know I said I was going to take this according to the season 10 plot line and sort of make this a 'behind the scenes' story you can fit into the season to fill in the blanks, but that motif is going out the window right now. No matter how much I've tried to think it through, FW&FS simply can not be explained! There's no way they'd go from almost complete strangers to kissing, proposing and throwing everything out the window to get married! It's too much, even for those two. So I'm changing the whole thing. The ideas are still the same, but you'll see for yourselves... hope you like it!
As for you readers and reviewers, I can't thank you enough, this story and your reviews pulled me through a bit of a hard time so all your kind words were appreciated, more so than you might think.
Finally, after going on for quite a bit, here's the last chapter of this story, enjoy!
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The moment the words San Diego sank in, so did my heart. My gaze moves out of its own violation to my left. Harm is quick to try and soften the blow
"Well, it's only, uh, five hours away" His small smile is not enough to calm me.
The General's voice penetrates the fog. London? He's going to London? This did not just happen. Oh boy are the powers that be going to get an earful from me. I have to pull myself together. I'm accepting these orders as Harm is accepting his. Since it's the easy way out I shove all the disconcerting thoughts to the background and pretend, I'm very good at this by now.
It's in this pretend mode that I manage to get through the next 10 minutes, but as Harm and I step out of the elevator I just have to crack open a window and smell the air outside. It hits me hard. "What just happened?"
"Your world got turned upside down."
"And yours didn't, Captain?" I stress his new rank. I think his smug little head's still in the clouds over that...
"Captain... I like the sound of that." I rest my case.
I wonder if he even let the news sink in beyond the rank. He has to get his head out of his six and quickly, we've only got three days, as I've pointed out to him. He has to make the first move, it isn't my time and I really don't want to finish this one most meaningful relationship in my life with the feeling of being shot down because of great career options.
-----
As she closed her apartment door behind her, Mac heaved a deep sigh. She seemed to sigh more these days, a fact that only annoyed her more when she thought about it. The sighs reflected what she felt most perfectly – tired... old... lonely... despondent... unhappy... resigned. She didn't know what annoyed her more, the fact that she really did feel all those things, or the fact that she did nothing and allowed herself to continue feeling them.
Her previously planned lunch with Harriet couldn't have come at a better time, for she really didn't want to have Harm drive her home. She wanted him to come of his own free will to see her, for it do be his decision.
Still leaning against her door, Mac looked around at her home of nine years. She'd never actually settled down this much before. At some point she started envisioning her future here, and that never happened before either. How do you go about packing your home, knowing you're most likely never coming back? Suddenly she had a vision of her apartment without the furniture, filled with boxes. Mixed feelings of exhilaration and sadness clashed inside her, along with memories of all the times in her past she'd moved around. Those memories actually brought a smile to her face, she could do this. She wanted to see what more life had in store for her.
New determination got her through packing the kitchen, the bath, and most of her closet as well as setting up boxes for the rest of the stuff. She'd already made all her phone calls from the office so she was deep in the action of packing when she came across something that made her stop. There, way in the back of the closet, in a heap was a necklace that always had the ability to stop time for Mac. Necklace in hand, Mac sank down to the bed and thought of a certain train station in Russia. The memories came one by one in some bizarre order. What was she doing? Was she really going to San Diego? What about Harm? What about Mattie? What about herself?
Her grumbling stomach finally made her get up and head to the kitchen to find something to eat, but she was stopped midway by a knock on her door.
Seeing Harm on the other side of her door, she wasn't sure she was ready to confront him just yet, and set about looking busy, while working up the nerve.
"I needed some advice"
"Good, cause, I need yours."
"What are you doing about the lease on your apartment?"
"That's what you wanted to talk me about, real-estate?" Is he for real?
"Yeah." Well, I'm not going to help him on this one.
"I'm subletting, you remember Varise?"
"Yeah, that's the woman Turner was dating." He seems pre-occupied, dare I hope he didn't really come for moving tips?
"Still is."
It takes him a while to hear what I said, and I move closer in an attempt to make him get to the point already. "Who knew?" He finally articulates. I can be patient.
"Anyways, she's coming to DC for a few months, to see how things go with Sturgis."
"What about her career?" We're talking about Sturgis now, right?
"She's booked, six nights a week at the One Step Down. She's kind of like the house chanteuse. So, what about your apartment?"
He's still so distant as he tells me he offered it to Coates but got a negative answer.
"So, you, uh, talked to Mattie?" it seems like a lifetime passed since we visited her this morning.
"Yeah, that was the first call I made."
"She told you to go?" I'm just playing the game, I know the answer to that.
"Yes."
"What'd you say?"
"I told her I wasn't going anywhere without her?" But you are willing to go without me? "We're still waiting for the juvenile court to rule on it, however the father's not contesting it so..."
"You're a good dad." I wish I was saying this under different circumstances. Much different. We keep talking about cases and such, and he has to go through my list of people I'd like to take with me. Does he actually think I'd take Vukovic with me! After his stupid, borderline suicidal attempt this morning, the chances of that happening are as small as an ant looks from space. I've had enough of this beating around the bush, I guess it's up to me again.
"So, uh... were you ready for all this?" Maybe the slow approach won't make him run away.
"Were you?" His tone is almost accusatory and it drives me into self defense mode.
"Well, I've been dreading it for a while, but... now that it's here it doesn't seem so bad... I'm just, taking it one day at a time." Liar!
I nod in an effort to convince myself of my own words, and once again he's nodding too, trying to give credence to the lies that just came out of my mouth.
There are times during some of our more candid conversations, those that don't involve our feelings for one another that I get to see the light in his eyes. There I find the twinkle of life that reflects his soul. Lately though, those conversations are very few, and the twinkle has pretty much disappeared. It's been replaced by a disconcerting shine, not unshed tears but most certainly a deeply ingrained sadness. I can actually feel this melancholy inside as if it were my own. Sometimes I think maybe it is.
"Well, I'll leave you to your packing and get back to mine."
With half a smile he's turning and walking away. Damn that man! Yet again he's eluded my question, and made me spill out the wrong answer. I would scream if I didn't know he'd come running back to see I was okay. Then again that would probably better than what just happened.
-----
It's been two hours since Harm left my apartment and I'm now sitting in my car, once again in the hospital parking lot. The drive here is almost second nature by now. In her mental absence, I've become attached to the teenager that's pretty much been the center of Harm's world for over a year now. I considered calling, as Harm had, but that seemed wrong somehow.
Mattie's sleeping as I enter her room, and sadly enough, that puts me at ease. Taking a seat to her left, I study the features that are so familiar and find it's actually hard for me to think I'm leaving her. Another sigh escapes me.
"Mac?"
"Hey Mattie, sorry, I was lost in my own little world."
"Tha's okay, where's Harm?"
"Oh, I came by myself this time, is that okay?"
"Yeah, sure, I guess you heard the big news." She's wide awake now, excitement evident in her features. A distinct happiness fills me at the sight.
"Yup."
"You coming with us?"
Oh no... he didn't tell her.
"Mattie... I got orders of my own... I'll be moving to San Diego..." once again I'm damning the man I love for the look on the girl's face.
"But... wait... so, what's going to happen?"
That question kept popping up in the last few weeks. What is going to happen? I'd sure like to know. Sometimes I feel like an actress that doesn't know the script. What the hell am I supposed to say now? I open my mouth but no words will come out.
"Talking behind my back again?"
My head snaps up to the doorway, that man has got some timing.
"Harm." Way to state the obvious, MacKenzie.
"Hey, Mac, didn't know you were coming here tonight. How're you feeling, Matts?"
Harm focuses his attention solely on Mattie. Mattie answers his questions and responds to his jokes but keeps sending me meaningful glances every few minutes, she looks a bit ticked off.
"Earth to Mac..."
"Huh?"
"I asked how the packing was going." He's half laughing at me. How can he be so calm?
"Fine, and yours?"
"I keep finding things that send me down memory lane, so it's pretty slow." I smile knowingly then glance at Mattie. Did she just make a noise?
"Yeah, I know, I've still got a lot left to pack. Well, I'll leave you two to chat. Bye Mattie, I'll come see you again before I leave town." I am almost past Harm when Mattie stops me.
"Wait, Mac, you never answered my question."
I ignore Harm's questioning look and turn back, trying to form an answer. "It'll turn out for the best, Mattie, you've got Harm, and you'll love London."
"Yeah, but what about you?" Yeah, what about me? My watery smile barely contains the tears that are threatening to overflow. I don't know the answer to that one.
"I'm sure Mac will come visit us once in a while, right, Mac?" Harm cuts in and I nod.
The look on Mattie's face expresses all that her body language can't.
"No! Mac, you can't come visit every other night and promise to be there for me, only to walk away now!"
Harm and I both freeze at the outburst. First to thaw, I take the few steps back to her bed and cover the girl's hand with my own. I'm still unsure what to say, plus I'm holding my breath in hopes Harm didn't catch the part about my nightly visits.
"Wait, you were here every other night?" Couldn't catch a break, could I? My eyes drift shut while Mattie plunges further in.
"Yeah, cause you were too stubborn for your own good. I'm sorry, Mac, but he was going to find out eventually and you guys are killing me and each other. You're both adults. You love her. You love him. Figure it out and let a girl heal in peace, will ya?"
I feel, rather than see Harm stepping closer, he leans in and his hand comes to rest on the small of my back, while he kisses Mattie's forehead. I'm very much aware of every point on my back that's touched but then the touch is gone. Now he's prying the hand I've rested on top of Mattie's and taking it in his. My eyes finally flutter open to see a small grin on Mattie's lips. Yup, I've got it bad. I've no choice but to follow and sit next to him outside the room. My hand is still firmly in his.
"Harm, I... I wanted to be there for you and you wouldn't let me... you never gave up on me even when I pushed you so far you had no reason to come back... I..."
The stream of words trail away to nothingness the minute our eyes meet. Staring at him, I really wish he'd say something already. Yet again I can't seem to find the words. Frankly, I'm not sure I want to.
"I know this must be getting old, but thank you, Mac." His point is driven home with a peck to my lips, which brings me back to the land of the coherent with a vengeance.
"You're welcome... What now?"
He sighed deeply. "Well, I need to get to packing, I've barely started. Hey, you said you wanted my advice on something earlier..." He stops short due, I'm sure, to the stunned look I must be wearing right about now.
"What, Mac?"
"Nine years, Harm! Nine years and we still can't carry out a simple honest conversation about us! Even when it's obvious that without it there would never be an 'us'! Maybe a fresh start really is what we need. Maybe we can finally get on with our lives."
I know without a doubt that Harm is the kind of friend I could loose touch with but call 10 years later and have him at my side for whatever I need in a moments notice and without any hesitation or reservation. But is that all I want? I was so sure of my love for him. I know I want him, but that's true for any woman with a pulse. I know he's my best friend and I don't want to loose that. No, it's more than that, I'm sure of it.
"Mac, what I feel for you... I've never felt like this before."
"God, Harm! Would you, just this once, humor me and spell it out!" He should be very thankful we're in a hospital and I can't actually scream. Otherwise, his eardrums would get an assault that would rule out any flights for a week. Thus begins another one of our unspoken blinking contests.
Harm leaned in, patiently waiting for her to clue in to his intentions. Halfway he saw the flicker of understanding in her eyes and closed his in relief.
The kiss was short and sweet.
"I love you, Mac."
She felt as though she just eased into a warm, soothing bathtub and sighed, this time in relief.
"What do you say we give Mattie some rest and finish this conversation at my place?"
A raised eyebrow and a grin earned Harm a smack across his chest and some mumble about a one track mind. They rose to leave, but just before re-entering the room, Mac held Harm back. His silent question was answered when her arms wrapped around him and he found himself in a very tight embrace, one he eagerly returned.
Hand in hand they walked in to find Mattie sleeping. With a parting kiss each, they left the faking teenager in peace.
-----
The only reason I agreed to meet in his apartment is that I still haven't had a bite to eat and my place is foodless. His warm smile when he comes to open my door is enough to melt any residual frozen spots in my heart and my own smile comes easily. As if it's the most natural thing, he takes my hand in his on our way to his place and for once there's no blaming Fate. I'm thanking it.
Harm knows as well as I do we can't talk over my empty stomach so we fix a small dinner to share quietly. Harm's first to finish, and for some reason he takes my free hand and studies it. He studied it enough to give a very informed summary and possible future if he could read hands, following every line from beginning to end, circling every knuckle. Sometime in the future I hope to create a Harm-English dictionary, this was a speech in Harm and I'm sure it's translation could make me reel.
"Harm...?" I'm once again Wendy to his Peter Pan. "We really need to talk this out, our current situation isn't going to untangle on its own."
"I know."
Our smiles meet and melt into each other. It's really not fair that he has this much power over me. I promise myself to reverse the roles sometime in the near future, but not just now.
"Let's get married, Mac."
That most certainly earns him a mind blowing kiss. "Now?" I manage to breathe out. He hums an affirmative and pulls me closer to him.
A few minutes later we finally put a few inches of space between us and the look on his face makes it all sink in beyond the thrill that's still traveling up and down my spine at this man's touches.
"You're serious."
"Yeah, Mac. What do you say?"
"Don't you think we should see how things go... you know, give you a chance to change your mind if I don't measure up."
His kiss is very thorough, as if he's trying to prove me wrong. "That's not going to happen, but if you want a long engagement, I guess I can wait."
Unwilling to break contact, I keep my forehead against his, my hand absently caressing his neck. Wait, did I even answer him?
"I'd like nothing more than to be your wife, Harm."
In one quick move he's up and taking me with him in a tight embrace and what would be Webster's definition of a searing kiss.
"What took you so long, Flyboy?"
"That would take a while to answer. Besides, I'm no longer interested in the past."
"Hmm, is that right? What about our future? Can we even decide on a continent?"
He pulls back, then slips a hand behind me and leads me to his bedroom. I need my Harm-English dictionary again. "Harm?"
He doesn't break his stride. "Yeah?"
"Um... we were kind of in the middle of something back there."
He leaves me at the foot of his bed, still completely stunned and moves to his night stand. "Just.. give me a second." He throws over a shoulder as he rummages through the drawer. Flabbergasted, I sink to the bed. Well, he did just propose, I guess I can give him a second. I'm really happy I decided to sit when he turns with a triumphant smile and a small jewelry box in his hand. Oh, this is turning out to be the best day of my life.
As tradition dictates, Harm's on one knees as he opens the box to me and does it right. "Sarah, will you marry me?"
I can't stop the tears this time, that level of control is inhuman. "Yes, Harm! Yes!"
Just when I thought his smile couldn't get bigger, it just did. I feel him slip the ring onto my finger and it fits. It fits! It's not my fault he didn't think to ready himself, and we tumble to the floor as I charge into his arms and kiss him senseless.
"It's easier to ask when you already know the answer." He laughs and I join in freely. "Also, now we can discuss your earlier points more comfortably." He nods towards the bed. Personally I'm already very comfortable, on top of my favorite flyboy, but I'm sure he'll blame me for his backaches later. Getting up I tug Harm and we recline in his bed.
"What are we going to do about our careers?" I start the reasonable conversation again.
"I don't know Mac, we've both received orders that are great career boosters and we both love our careers." Stupid Fate.
"There are plenty of couples that get through these things, but not in the very beginning of the relationship."
"This is hardly the beginning of our relationship, Mac."
"Oh, you know what I mean." Suddenly the unfairness of it all really gets to me. "Why couldn't we get together like every normal couple? Why does it always have to be so damn dramatic with us?"
"We're no normal couple, besides, with all our history it would be kind of disappointing if it just happened with no apparent reason, don't you think?" It's his kiss to my nose that sends me giggling and thanking Fate once again.
"You've got a point there, flyboy."
"What do you say we talk to the General, see what his input is on this? We still have two days before the very final decision. Either way, we're engaged to be married. Can't back out now, Marine. You said yes twice." As if I'd ever want to back out.
"What about Mattie?"
"Mac, can we... just, continue this conversation tomorrow?"
"You tired, flyboy?" I'll bet he just wants me to stop making sense.
"Well, not exactly, but I can think of a few other things I'd like to do right now." He moves so he's now over me and then he whispers in my ear, "Like show you exactly how much I love you, Sarah."
All at once, my entire being seems to melt into him. This, this is what I've been missing from him, from our relationship. There's no way around it, I'm going to have to tell him. This is very new territory to me but he's got to know. Do you just blurt it out? Freedom reigns as I feel his breath move against my cheek and his body move against mine and the words take a life of their own.
"I love you, Harm."
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The (happy) End!