The Search Is Over,
Chapter 123, The Minor Falls, The Major Lifts- The Baffled King Composing Hallelujah
Though it was freeing to be aware of what had led everyone into their mistakes, finding a way into new opportunities was easier realized than accomplished as it were. Knowing that he needed his own fire was very different from knowing where the hell to find it.
While the very awareness that he needed to find it was a huge revelation, more was required to truly progress, heal and find true inner strength. Fire was passion, and other than Kreacher, Regulus simply didn't feel passionate about much. It was as if that black lake had put out his inner fire for good. Though this truly felt like a fact, he didn't logically accept it. He had to continue to dig among the coals of his soul until something sparked.
The things he used to feel passionate about were no longer applicable so it seemed he'd truly have to start from scratch. Once he'd very much wanted to fight for wizarding rights, which had spawned the appeal of Voldemort. With the Muggles growing in numbers as well as technological advancements, however, doing anything to restore wizarding power would put many more wizarding lives at risk even if they were to win.
Wizards were far fewer than Muggles and they couldn't afford such losses. Though Gellert Grindelwald was alive with his youth restored, and fully capable of resuming his plans to put wizards back on top, the blonde had lost interest for the same reasons. Regulus would have to be careful with that even if Gellert ever changed his mind, though. Otherwise, he could be stealing Grindelwald's fire just as they had Voldemort's back in the day.
It didn't matter that Grindelwald was his friend and would never turn on him. Regulus now understood that his success and fuel for life should NEVER hinge on what someone else was doing with their dreams and life goals. When you stole someone else's fire, your success hinged on them. If they failed, you failed, because the success was never yours anyway. If they turned on you instead, as Voldemort had done, you were left with less than nothing.
No man was an island, though, and sharing a project or goal did not have to mean sharing fire. Regulus believed the key to that was having one's own specialty which could make a person irreplaceable. If one had a specialty and was part of a shared goal, if the goal failed the specialty or skill was still theirs to be used elsewhere. After Voldemort Regulus had felt like nothing and less than nothing for many reasons. Were he to find his own fire, he would never lose it so easily. It's easy to lose something that does not belong to you, after all, but what's yours is yours forever.
Before Regulus could have anything, though, he had to find it. One usually discovered their passion...their fire by going toward what they were drawn to or fascinated by, but nothing truly drew Regulus after the lake. He wanted to believe that most of his disinterest was due to the potion still inside of him, but he knew some of it was just him.
That's why he knew he had to work on his own mental healing while he waited for the goblin healers to return to do the rest. The distractions of travel could only work for so long if he didn't find something deeper to care about. He'd believed that watching Kreacher flourish as he crafted items with Blaise and Gellert and writing horror stories was enough. Watching Kreacher flourish would not get rid of the depression, though, and the depression hurt Kreacher so it had to go. Even if Regulus still felt he deserved it, it had to go.
A passion for a thing, that inner fire of purpose would go a long way toward helping with that so Regulus invested much time in pondering the matter.
It was beyond frustrating that no matter how much thought he put into it, Regulus couldn't come up with a single topic or long term activity that he found extremely stimulating! It was ridiculous! He didn't believe that there was nothing at all he would have a passion for doing. It wasn't that. He knew something had to be out there for him to...sink his teeth into as it were, he just had no bloody idea what it was.
Of course the depression clouded his thoughts and made it more difficult for him to think and be creative. He knew that, but that knowledge was not helping matters so it only served to frustrate him as much as everything else on the matter.
As getting nowhere was not only frustrating, but was beginning to take on an edge of enraging as well, Regulus was nearly relieved when he got the letter from Severus.
It came around nine one evening when he was sitting in the library with Kereston and Kreacher. They were talking about the pros and cons of the structure of a particular charms book while he sat racking his brain for something to give a shit about.
Snape's large white owl tapped hard on the window, causing everyone to start. As Regulus rose to approach the window, Mortis conveyed with a trill that it was Severus's owl. Impressed, Regulus wondered how the phoenix could know this with the drapes tightly drawn. Opening the window he let the bird in while Kreacher went to get him a treat. The owl radiated resentment and anger as he roughly pushed the parchment in his claws at Regulus.
"Sorry," Regulus murmured, apologetic to obviously be putting the bird out.
The owl hissed angrily, not in a mood to be pacified with mere words. He did snatch the chicken leg from Kreacher, when the elf returned with it in hand. He happily busied himself with the roasted meet while Regulus read.
"Severus would like us to be guest speakers in a class he's teaching," he told Kreacher.
"What do you think?"
"Kreacher hardly sees how we could contribute more to potions than Severus Snape already does," the elf replied, blinking in confusion.
"Oh sorry, it's Alchemy. He's also teaching that as an elective. He wishes us to be part of an Alchemy presentation," Regulus explained.
Kreacher looked thoughtful.
"Interesting. Kreacher supposes that would be fine if Master Regulus agrees."
"He says it will be at eight in the evening to accommodate us," Regulus said.
"I shall write him to confirm, then."
Regulus had done just that by the time the owl finished his chicken leg. He was a bit less grudging when he took the parchment into his claws and flew away.
Half an hour later the owl was back with another letter, this one from Mag. She thanked them in Severus's name for agreeing to help with the Alchemy class, saying they should be at Durmstrang the following Wednesday at seven forty-five in the evening.
Then she explained that she was writing instead of Severus because she wished to invite Regulus to play with her after the class. She wrote that she had missed sharing music with him very much and hoped he would bring his guitar. He wrote back agreeing to do so at once. He'd missed playing with her as well, and very much looked forward to it in spite of the expression of low level dread on Kreacher's face.
"You and Severus are not required to politely listen to our music if you do not enjoy it," Regulus said.
"Kreacher enjoys it," the elf squirmed.
"Kreacher always wishes to support his darling Master Regulus."
Regulus made a sound of disbelief.
"It's really fine if you and Severus occupy yourselves with something else."
"Kreacher thanks his darling Master Regulus."
As it turned out the class was a demonstration of vampirism as a form of alchemy. Regulus had never truly considered it in those terms but it was quite logical. Severus asked Regulus and Kreacher to explain some of the changes of vampirism to the class, then opened the floor for questions.
The hand of a brown haired young man shot up at once.
"I have a question for the elf," he said.
"Did the elf slave bond change when you became a vampire?"
Ah but that was a startlingly interesting thought! Regulus could see on Severus and Kreacher's faces that they found the concept intriguing as well.
"Unfortunately, Kreacher does not have the answer to that. He was freed some time before he became a vampire."
Could the vampiric hypnotic abilities serve to over ride elf slavery commands though? Bloody good question. Regulus hoped Severus gave that young man a high grade for his creative thinking.
There were more questions, but that first was by far the most interesting. Regulus and Kreacher enjoyed chatting with the students and sharing information that they could hopefully use to become great alchemists some day.
Though neither had known what to expect, the class was relaxed, and all the students were quite intelligent. Of course with Alchemy being an elective, one expected only the best minds, but somehow most gifted classes still had several students that did not seem at all promising.
Regulus had sat beside many of them at Hogwarts. When the class was over, all the students applauded and thanked Kreacher and Regulus warmly for coming to speak to them. The feeling this engendered was very nice. Though Regulus was well aware that it was merely an enjoyable distraction rather than some kindling of his inner fire, he relished the experience of the pleasant exchange with the young bright minds nonetheless. With the class over, he was eager to jam with Mag.
"Albus has invited you and I to tea in his study, if you'd like to skip the suicidal urges, Kreacher," Severus said.
"Of course you won't want the tea, but he got some blood lollipops in case you'd like to give them a try."
Kreacher grinned.
"That sounds...better than the afore mentioned urges."
Mag led Regulus to her and Severus's private parlor while Severus and Kreacher went to visit with Albus and Bera. He and Mag settled on a comfortable velvet sofa that wrapped itself half way around the small cozy room.
Mag lifted her fiddle from a case on the floor where it waited. Regulus's guitar hung in its case on his shoulder from a gleaming leather strap. He felt a thrill of anticipation as he slid the case to the floor and eagerly removed the guitar. It was almost a relief to have Kreacher and Severus gone as it meant he was entirely free to express himself through the music that pored out of him.
"I want to show you a song called Seven Wonders," Mag said.
"It's by a group called Fleetwood Mac."
Regulus nodded, thrilled at the prospect of learning a new song from Mag, because they shared similar styles and appreciation's when it came to music.
"I know the band well, but not that song. One of my favorites by them is So Afraid. Do you know that one?"
Mag nodded.
"Yes! And I bet you completely own it! I want to hear you sing it as soon as we're done with Seven Wonders."
Regulus nodded.
Seven Wonders was a powerful yet haunting and melancholy song with a fast beat. Regulus liked it very much. He learned the words and cords, playing along and harmonizing with Mag. He added distortion to the guitar, hardening the notes and giving the music an edge.
As they sang, their instruments forging a path together, Regulus felt his spirit soaring, and then he knew. As he met Mag's eyes and they shared a smile of raw bliss gained only by the connection of deep emotion, he understood.
Music was his fire. Mag had called him a bard, and she was right. A bard had to sing and play and release their magic with music. If that magic went unsung, neglected or untapped, it could serve to put out a fire that should be burning free.