CHAPTER FIVE
Wakka greets the girls with the good news, scene.
Wakka ran up as fast as he could, "Hey!" As he appeared, and ran closer to them, he stumbled over a thoughtlessly positioned couch. The Blitzball captain fell flat on his face. "Ouch"
Paine giggled, "Dick Van Dyke he's not."
Rikku frowned and looked at the other woman, "Dick Van Who!"
The crew laughed and aided Wakka to his feet.
Same scene, take two.
Wakka appeared, ran closer to them and then once again tripped over the couch. "The HELL? I thought someone moved this thing, ya?"
One of the Aurochs approached and moved the couch out of the way. "Sorry Wakka."
Same scene, take three.
Wakka appeared, albeit cautiously and when no danger was in sight, sprinted to the girls, tripping on a rock and landing on his leg. "God damn it!" he groaned, holding his knee.
Paine shook her head, "The man can help destroy Sin, and lead his team to victory over overwhelming odds, but he can't run and talk. Sad."
Wakka grit his teeth and wheezed, "Ha ha, very funny."
Same scene, take four.
"Hey!" Wakka appeared. "It's a boy! You wanna meet him?"
Yuna smiled wildly, "Yeah!"
In the village, Yuna's group talked to Wakka and Lulu, who was holding the new baby.
"Ur, ra ec cu lida! (Oh, he is so cute!)" Riku squealed. Damn little troll is going to upend me in the cute department here!
Yuna smiled, touching the tiny little digits, "Look at his hands! They're so tiny!"
Lulu handed over the child to his "Aunt" Yuna, an he proceeded to puck on her. "OH MMMMYYYYY GOOOOOOOOODDDDDDDD!" Yuna screamed. The crew roared with laughter and Lulu quickly took back the crying baby while Yuna tgried to clean herself off.
Wakka held his breath to hold back the laughter lodged in the back of his throat. "So you still think he's cute, Yuna?"
Rikku stock out her tongue, her skin turning pale. "Ew, what did he eat that made it so green like that?" Again the crew burst into hysterics.
Same scene, take five.
Yuna was still grossing out over the vomit on her shirt, and Tidus came to help her out, as the cat and crew's laughter could not be abated.
Same scene, take seven.
Still no one could stop laughing from the incident.
Same scene, take ten.
"Look at his hands! They're so tiny!" She was cautious, as she looked at the child an up into the eyes of the older woman.
Lulu handed over the child to his "Aunt" Yuna, and the baby practically exploded in an ocean of pee. It started as a little trickle, then more came, and then the entire body burst with pee. It turned out that this "baby" was a machina, used because the real one was tired from all the excitement.
Yuna shook of the piss from her hands and fingers and looked bitterly at the cast and crew. "Okay did all of you plan this!"
Rikku giggled and elbowed her cousin, "Oh come on Yuna, we're not laughing at you, we're laughing with you."
"Oh yeah, I'm just roaring with laughter, that's why you can't hear me." She tossed the broken doll at her cousin, who squeaked with horror as pee went on her.
Rikku dropped the doll and glared at Yuna evilly. "Dryd'c hud vihho oui celgu! (That's not funny you sicko!)." The crew exploded into laughter and the director let them go for the night.
Scene finished in eleven takes.
Beclem prepares to leave Besaid scene.
Beclem looked at the girls and crossed his arms as they talked. "Has Wakka settled on a name for his kid?"
Yuna shook her head, "No, not yet."
Beclem sighed and looked at his feet. "Never could make up his mind." He went to leave, but stopped for a moment. "I have something here. I'd like you to give it to him." He gave a sphere to Yuna. "It's a memory of a war buddy. I'd give it to him myself, but … You understand."
Yuna's group received the War Buddy Sphere.
A man shouted from the top of the ship, "All aboard! We'll be settin' said shortly!"
Beclem turned to the man and looked back at Yuna, "See he get's it."
A blitz ball zoomed by, but Beclem swiftly dodged it, a little smug on his face, until a second hit him in the face. "Oh, damn it!" With his hands covering his face, he didn't see a third ball soar right for the gonads, and strike him straight on. "SHIT!" As he covered his now sore front bottom, a fourth ball his him once more squarely in the face, tossing him into the ocean.
Before the girls could do anything to help, blitz balls started flying everywhere, beaming everyone on the cast and the crew.
Keepa's voice echoed through the beach, distressed and worried, "Someone help, the Blitzball machine's gone wild!"
The camera crew was hit in the legs, Logos was knocked out when one hit him in the back of the head, somehow one managed to shoot up and beam Brother in his family jewels, and he was on board the Celsius set!
Brother grabbed his two litle buddies and screeched like Michael Jackson in one of his concerts.
"A Michael Jackson impersonator, on board with me?" Shinra asked. He turned to the camera, "Suddenly I feel like I'm not safe any more."
As the chaos ensued, with chaos from Xenosaga crying like a little baby in the beach, next to an equally weeping Allen, Plankton stood forward with his red light saber, to challenge the threat, before sub coming to panic as a Blitzball came soaring toward him. "WAAAAAIIIIIIITTTTTTT, I WISH TO RULE YOU!"
Al Gore appeared out of no where, and flun his arms about. "AND I INVENTTTTTTTEDDDDDDD YOU!"
Plankton looked at the former vice-president and frowned, "Wait, I don't understand, what's going on? What are you doing here?"
Al Gore shrugged as the blitzballs froze in mid air. "Got nothing' else to do"
Plankton nodded and shrugged himself, "Hm, good point. Shall we?"
"After you." Both of them screamed like little weenies right before the were crushed. A second later, Darth Sideous walked by and sadly shook his head.
"I lose more apprentices that way." He took a bite from a Krabby Patty and looked at it approvingly. "These are pretty damn good after all!"
Yoda nodded as he walked next to the villain, holding his own Krabby Patty, while his thighs got larger. "Tasty the are, but not as good as it feels to be free from Frank Oz's hand they're not!" Frank Oz was lying on the beach, totally knocked out by dozens of blitz balls. Yoda threw back his head and began laughing like a totally high pitched SpongeBob.
Squall Leonheart, racing by trying to battle the battalions of blitzballs, looked at him and shuttered. With his attention deflected he ended up getting knocked out after on hit his scar. The Balamb Garden crashed into Sportacus' Air Ship, which crashed into Cid's air ship, and all went down.
"You see," a freaked out Robbie Rotten cried, trying to avoid the balls that were flying all over the place. "This is what you get for exercising. I've been trying to tell you all along!" A seonc later a massive blitzball rolled next to him, ala a scene from Attack of the Killer Tomatoes, and the lazy villain screeched like a little girl. "No, no! You stay away from me! I'M NOT ON THE MENU!" Off he went, to parts unknown.
"This rips," Eddie cried, from Ed, Edd, and Eddie, "I'm not even making any cash off of this!" A jawbreaker sized blitzball jammed into his mouth, and he dropped into unconsciousness.
"Bloo, you're not responsible for this, are you?" Mac snapped.
"Mac, I'm, surprised at you. Why would you think that?" Bloo asked, holding a sign that said he was one hundred percent not guilty. Both friends were crushed under the onslaught of blitzballs wearing Mongol armor.
"Run my little Smurfs," Papa Smurf preached. "It's the Smurfing end of the Smurf Damn Smurfing world!" Their mushroom houses were crushed, and despite everything they tried, there was nothing Danny Phantom or the Elric Brothers from FullMetal Alchemist could do to rectify it. General Mustang might have been able to help, but he had given into temptation and was now making out with Hawkeye.
"I'll end this!" a fan called VampyreQueen24 called out, refusing to listen to the other fans of this story. She cut half a dozen blitzballs in half and sent tens of thousands away crying with bobos before she herself was cut down.
"Poor VampyreQueen24," another fan, Janiqua sighed, with Warui-Usagi, and I've Got a Secret nodding.
"I could have told you that would have happened," Jen0va said. Before they could be crushed, giant hungry blitzballs rolled after them.
Nothing was stopping the blitzballs, not the Madballs' heroics, the Care Bears' Love Stare, He-Man's strength, GI Joes' weaponry, Rainbow Brites' color powers, Samurai Jack's blade, Obi-Wan Kenobi's and Anakin Skywalker's abilities, not the combined power of every Final Fantasy Heroes and Heroine, or the Justice League, the Teen Titans, Puffy AmiYumi, or the Avengers could stop it.
Naruto, Zatch bell, Monkey D. Luffy and his pirate crew, The Autobots, the Decepticons, Unicron, everyone from the Go-Bot's Universe, She Ra, the Evil Horde, no one could stop it.
Buffy the Vampire Slayer came closest to stopping the mayhem, but she decided to take a break, and make out with Angel. VampyreQueen24 pulled herself out of the balls, and kicked both their butts, before being chased by carnivorous balls herself. Bodies were dropping like flies. Even the mighty nonsense of BoBoBo-Bo Bo-BoBo and his crew could not end the insanity.
"Brago, let's end this," Sherry called out, dressed in a hot pink and yellow bikini, the spell book in her hand glowing like never before.
"Screw that, I'm going home to the Mamodo world where it's safe," her partner shouted, grabbing the book from her hands, and tearing it up.
"Wait take me with you!" Admiral Zhao screamed like a ninety pound weakling, as the water spirit from episode 20 continued to chase him, making eyes at him as amorous as anything King Kong could do with a blonde superstar!
"Extra, extra, blitzballs on the attack, King Kong and Godzilla get mixed up in a love rectangle with Jessica Simpson and Nick," Heidsuka, a fan of Ziggy's from the Sly Cooper fan link at cried out, waving a paper about.
"Pikachu, let's go!" Ash cried, before being attacked by a zombie.
The dead body frowned, released his grip and walked away, "Sorry, I though you were Ash from the Evil Dead movies," he said in a heavily British accent. "Well, guess I'll try and see if I can't get a part from Shaun of the Dead 2!" and off he went. Meanwhile Pikachu was off in a peaceful part of Besaid Beach, enjoying his honeymoon with his new wife, Ranamon, from Digimon Season 4.
"Pikachu got married to Ranamon!" Beauty cried, but no one could hear her over the screams of the cast, and the roar of Takeshi and his teammates mechs, as they had challenged Coop and Megas to a raqce, the winner taking home Sly Cooper's family vault. If they only knew what was in it.
It opened, and to everyone's surprise, Sly and Carmelita were laying in their underpants on a bare skin rug, feeding each other strawberries. "Er, um. We can explain," Sly began.
The judges of the race were the two headed commentator from Star Wars Episode I, of the Podrace Scene. Along with Juri from Yu Yu Hakashu, and Doujima from Witch Hunter Robin. "Life is good," the alien speaking head said, as they were coddled by the two women.
"It certainly is," said the Basic speaking head.
The scene was a total reminisce to the old Universal Studio's Let the Guests make their own movie set, except blitzballs were flying, instead of pies, Bruce the Shark from Jaws movies made a cameo, as did the old Cylons from the Old Battlestar Galactica series. Weirdest and nastiest of all, was the sight of the male Starbuck from the old series making out fast and furious with the female Starbuck in the new series. And even, OHHHHH, SHIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTT!
(Author's notes, sorry I was just beamed by one, we'll return to the story already in progress. Thank you for your patience. Um, but could someone please tell me how I ended up married to Shelinda? Seriously which one of you fans married us?)
Scene finished in two takes, after the Blitzball machine was utterly destroyed. The culprits (apprehended by Rin) turned out to be none other than Steve Urkel and Pee Wee Herman. The two were given life in the undergrounds of Bevelle, right next to Michael Schiavo, and all three were forced listen to Tiny Tim on the Ukulele sing, "Tiptoe through the Tulips" for all eternity. Why Schiavo was there, no one knows, but fate has a way of righting wrongs when people can or wont.
Mount Gagazet -- Discussion between Garik and Kihmari scene.
Garik looked at Kihmari and frowned. "Elder, what path should Ronso walk? Garik want to know!"
Kihmari studied him for a very long time, "Garik must be patient."
The younger Ronso shook his head, "Garik feel hate, try to stop. But without path, hate is strong. Garik lost to hate. Garik rather unleash anger than go mad searching for path Garik cannot find!" As soon as he was finished speaking, Yoda hobbled up.
"Hatred is a path to the dark side of the force, let go of your emotions you must!"
Rikku rolled her eyes and groaned. "Will this little green turd ever stop? Where is security?"
Thinking the computer enhanced puppet was a big pile of steaming green beans, Garik picked him up and ate him. His pupils shrunk and he batted his head back and forth. "Whoa, dudes, this is like totally bitchin'!" He said in a strong California surfer bum accent. Yoda broke free, by giving Garik an atomic wedgie using the Force and smacked Garik, which sent him back to reality.
"Ah, man. Bummer," the massive Ronso said, using a combination of both Ronso and Surfer bum accent.
Miyazaki rushed to his feet and shouted the word, SSSSSSSEEEEEEECCCCCCCUUUUUUURRRRRRRIIIIIIITTTTTTTYYYYYYY!" Drew Carey could have helped, it he was not recovering from the blitzball incident.
Scene finished in two takes.
The girls find the AMAZING Chocobo scene.
The wall opened up and the groud stood face to face with the largest, yellowest bird they had ever seen, holding a teddy bear in his left wing. Big Bird blinked nervously as he held his little teddy bear. "Um, could you ladies help, Radar and me find our way to Seseme Street?"
Both Miyazaki and Drew Carey cried out in unison, "Oh for God's Sakes PEOPLE!"
Same scene, take two.
Rikku cocked her ehad and sighed, at Clasko and the Chocobo. "Aw, they're Choco-bonding!"
Yuna giggled, "They make a cute couple, huh?"
As the girls turned to leave, the camera picked up Clasko snuggling with the Chocobo and then panic and scream as the giant bird started to attack and bite his head.
I mean it you guys, which one of the five of you (so far) married Shelinda and me! Her cooking rocks, but all she wants to do is read normal stories! She says I'm kinda weird in writing stories like this!
Clasko wailed for help, his arms flying like flags in a windy day. "Lady YUUUUNNNAAAA!"
This time it was Drew, happy that this was the last day of filming to speak, "CUT, someone get that bird and dork off this set!"
Scene finished in three takes.
Author's final notes: Sorry folks but that's all I got. It has taken me very nearly a year to write this, and I'm a little bittersweet to see it end. In the end, I have had a blast and found I enjoyed Lampooning things. This was the first time I tried this, but it wasn't the last lampooning I ever wrote, as I'm currently working on the BoBoBo Files, and am coming up with a sequel to my Admiral Zhao Reincarnation story.
This story was originally for the forums at But when I started writing for I could think of no better story than this to submit, and no better final home for it that here. I suppose I could have kept it in script form, as some writers do here, but I had read that was forbidden, and so I switched to story form, adding a lot to the story in the process, such as the Blitzball attack scene in this chapter. I hope you all enjoyed it.
One of the people I would like to dedicate this story to is the late Pope John Paul II (the Great I like to call him). I tend to be more conservative than my writing lets on, and his holiness was one of my heroes, thus why I put him in the story. I pray that he can truly rest in peace. The other people who I would like to thank, are my kid brother, Matthew, who read and cracked up at this story, even when the folks at did not really find it interesting. I thank my mom for enrolling me into writers school, and my teacher Donna, for helping me better learn the craft. I thank my sister, for letting me use her internet connect, and God for loaning me this talent.
I also want to thank my reviewers, I've Got a Secret, Janiqua, Warui-Usagi, Jen0va, and VampyreQueen24 (who at this time seems to have earned her spot as #1 fan of this story, unless someone more fanatical comes along. Just know that you are part of a long list of number ones from different stories, and answer only to the Ultimate #1 fan, the one who discovered me, TheShoelessOne. Being a #1 fan entitles you to command the lower fans, basically lord it up in Ziggy fan paradise with your contemporaries, AND you get to curse anyone who say bad things about this story, any way of your choice … plague their crops, put a disease on their cattle, etc. Sound good?), and to Wind Seal who liked the way I veered of course a lot. All of your kind comments kept me going, when I thought of stopping, so thank you soo very much! Hopefully there will not be any underlines with these three chapters. If I get any more reviews before submitting I'll add you to the story, and put you in the thank you list here too. Okay, that's all, thanks for coming. Get outta here, NOW, seriously! Shelinda expects me to perform my husbandly duties, and I can't do them with an audience watching! It just wouldn't be decent!
"Haven't you taken out the garbage yet!"
Sigh, yes dear. I'll get right on that. No kidding guys, which one of you preformed the marriage!
"That's right," Shelinda snapped. "Whoever did it, needs to step forward now, so I can thank him or her properly."
THE END.