Those Three Words
A/N: Originally I planned to make this an alternate universe but then I realized I enjoyed reading and writing stories taking place in the normal universe of Inuyasha so I had to alter my ideas a bit but still overall, I love it. I don't own Inuyasha or else we'd have more 'kissy-kissy' stuff going on with the pairings below. But since I don't, well I settle for doujinshi and fanfictions.
Reviews and comments are highly appreciated and suggestions are always welcomed. Lastly, some parts are kind of depressing but regardless, the pairings below will always apply.
Short Summary: It was somewhat good marriage until the one person capable of tearing them apart returns. Inuyasha must decide if it's time to rekindle the past and guilt or move onto a brighter future with the woman he loves.
Full Summary: Conception brought them together—even though Kagome always loved Inuyasha and the life they made together, she's now decided to set him free to follow his supposed dreams. For although she'll continue to love him from afar, it's no longer enough for her to be wife and lover when she knows she holds so little in his heart. Inuyasha is now torn between what was and what is meant to be. He must decide if it's time to rekindle a forgotten past—and entering the depths of Hell…or embrace the future—loving Kagome, just the way she is.
Pairings: Inuyasha x Kagome, Miroku x Sango, Kagura x Sesshoumaru and Koga x Ayame
Today's Quote: "It hurts to love someone and not be loved in return, but what is the most painful is to love someone and never find the courage to let the person know how you feel."
………………………………………
Chapter One: Wounds have yet to heal
"Daddy, did you ever love mommy?" Kioki asked innocently.
The young girl was a mirror image of her mother except for obvious demonic features (ears, small fangs and long finger-nails a.k.a. claws) she received from her father.
Kagome Takahashi caught her breath in a simple, heartfelt question that came from her four year old daughter's lips. She had arrived earlier than usual to retrieve her children from the home Inuyasha had built in the feudal era, in the middle of his forest.
Kagome took a step back to lean against the doorframe. She was glad tonight was all their human night so he or their children couldn't sense her presence. Kagome had thought she had explained the separation to their children, Kioki and Leiko but it seemed Kioki still had questions. If her brother had questions about anything he considered too mushy, he'd either tricked his sibling into asking for him or he never asked. A trait he inherited from his father.
So it was time for Inuyasha to answer.
Inuyasha cleared his throat, obviously stalling for time.
Kagome swallowed and for the life of her she couldn't move. She and Inuyasha had yet to work out visitation. She never saw herself separating from her life mate but then she didn't see herself as a mother before reaching her sixteenth birthday either.
Like her brother, Kioki loved her father and always loved dressing like him. In other words, long before their fourth birthday the two had requested fire-rat kimonos similar to their fathers. So there was both Kioki and Leiko on their father's lap dressed in corresponding kimonos except their names were stitched with great care on the left breast.
"Did I show you the outfit your mother wore on her gradation party?" Inuyasha asked, obviously trying to stair the conversation away from that specific subject.
At that moment Kagome also noticed he wasn't looking Kioki in the eyes.
The young woman looked down towards the ground. Because she reminds you of me and I remind you of her. Her being Kikyo not Kioki.
Kagome looked up and looked at the three again. They were looking at a yearbook, to Kagome's dismay. There weren't just pictures of her and Inuyasha but of their friends from the feudal era, her family and their children. Although some were more recent than others because they included Sango and Miroku's five month newborn.
"Did you, daddy? Did you ever love mommy?" Kioki persisted.
Leiko snorted. "Of course he did. Don't be stupid. You're only supposed to mate with the one you love, right?"
Leiko blushed as if realizing his response sounded a bit mushy. "At least that's what Uncle Souta said."
Answer her, Inuyasha. Tell her—tell them—you never really loved me. You had sex with me because you were grieving and confused. You married me because I was pregnant and that your heart still belongs to Kikyo. Kagome thought bitterly, yet hoping that she wouldn't sob and draw attention to herself.
Just thinking about all of this crushed her heart. But what crushed her most was that she had once believed he had loved her. Even after five years the shadow of the dead woman, who still roamed in the feudal era, had never went even after the 'I do's.
"Ah, do I sense trouble in paradise?" Souta had teased a few months earlier. He hadn't meant any harm but that comment had brought a dam and her tears had flowed for a good full hour.
Kagome stood, holding her breath, as she waited for him to spill the bitter but utmost truth. Yet she couldn't help stop the hope, the wondering that maybe he actually he might've—
"I love you mother very much—for giving me you, the both of you." Inuyasha replied.
Kagome swallowed back a sob and shook her head. She was a fool to have thought he had some feelings for her other than being sexually attracted to her. But her hope was as foolish as she had been. Inuyasha could never lie to those he loves and those two were everything to him.
…More important than me… Kagome thought, looking at the ground once more. Everyone was always more important.
It wasn't an answer but an evasion. She wasn't sure why she felt even the tiniest bit of surprise. Inuyasha would never admit to loving her, especially since he didn't. She couldn't even remember hearing those three words, not even after their twins' births. Or after the weeks, months or years that followed. Not even when they made love, when they shared a passion that was perhaps the most honest part of their relationship. Inuyasha always held himself back even with her, the part of his heart and soul that he would never give her.
Kagome clenched her fists wanting to feel anger, not pain. She had spent five years of her twenty-years loving Inuyasha, but he didn't love her, never would.
She was living in a lie, in a blissful dream filled with illusions that she had ignored all signs of disinterest.
"Love is blind." Was the old saying and, bitterly, Kagome agreed.
Kagome had told herself lie after lie—that Inuyasha would change, he'd grow to love her, perhaps even want another child. Even now, knowing she was unable to pretend that he loved her, she was forced out of her fantasy world.
But the last straw had been when she had been cleaning out the closet and she had stumbled upon a notebook. It was filled with his feelings for Kikyo, all loving things. So much so she had wished she had shredded it or better yet, got rid of the woman from the feudal era all together. She wanted to hurt Inuyasha as much as he hurt her but she couldn't. And that angered and disgusted her more. She loved him too much to hurt him.
It took an entire day worth of walking for Kagome to calm down and logically think this through. Kagome couldn't, nor did she want to, become the woman she had supposedly 'been' in her past life. Despite her tries at being the best wife, the best mother and the best person she could be, the realization that Inuyasha wanted to be with Kikyo drove Kagome to ask for the unthinkable—a separation.
If it had been anything else, the looks on Sesshoumaru, their friends and her family's faces would have been hilarious but she had been serious. Still is. The separation of life mates was unheard of, it was impossible—until now.
To say Inuyasha had been shocked would have been an understatement. The half-demon looked flabbergasted and had stood still for an entire hour in the same spot after she told him of her decision.
It was indeed a surprise to, Miroku, Sango, Shippou and Kaede as well when they learned of the separation. After all she had been madly in love with Inuyasha for almost a solid year but no more. Enough is enough.
"Oh mama," Kagome had wept in her mother's arms, "I can't go on like this. I cannot take another kick to my heart. I am tired of trying. I am tired of hoping. I am tried of losing. I am tired of being hurt! I am tired!"
Uma stroked her daughter's hair in a form of comfort and reassurance. "Oh Kagome…" she said softly.
"I-I just want to be loved!"
Was that so hard to ask for? Was that truly so far fetched? But Kagome knew deep down that she couldn't love someone who didn't love her.
Right?
Kagome shook her head. Of course not! She wasn't that desperate.
"And what hurts the most is that I still love him, mama. But why can't he love me—for me? Why does he still want her? Why can't he just…I just…I can't…" Kagome sobbed.
"Shh, hush now my little one. Dry those tears and listen to me. We are strong women, we will survive. I did when I lost your father, though the pain remains, I live and you will when this is all done with." Mama said, reassuring her daughter the day she had asked for the separation.
Of course, Mama had then asked if Kagome was truly sure which made Kagome lose her cool.
Kagome had always acted upon her emotions which explained her sometimes over usage of the 'sit command,'—which she really, really wanted to use on Inuyasha more now than ever at this moment—, her emotional outburst and her seduction on the hanyou all those years ago. None had come from some mastermind plan but had been more like a crime of opportunity and she had paid the price—a thousand times over.
Kagome sighed. She had taken so many wrong turns in life, it was a wonder she had lived this long. She had taken too long to grow up, as her little brother would tease her about on and off. But her biggest regret was bringing their children into her battle against Inuyasha. But there was no way around it, or avoiding it. Kioki and Leiko were always in the middle. And always will be.
Just like me… A lone tear rolled down her cheeks. …always in the middle
Kagome rubbed away the tear and bit her lower lip. But no more! I am strong. I will remain strong!
One thing she learned for Kikyo was holding a grudge solved nothing so she wasn't about to be another Kikyo, not even for Inuyasha. She was Kagome, damn it and she was going to start to act like it. She was no longer going to be just the reincarnation of a spiteful and lonely woman. She was going to be the strong willed girl her mother had raised. She would let go of the past and look onward to the future, with or without Inuyasha.
So taking that to heart, Kagome began to dress more confidentially and tried to move on. She had even met up with Hojo and the two had talked over a cup of coffee. How smug she had been when Inuyasha had smelled the 'human bastard' on her. Even though she would never lower herself to sleep with Hojo, or any man for revenge, that little burst of jealous from Inuyasha had been enough to boost her for that day. Afterwards she felt awful and had canceled another meeting with Hojo. Innocent as it maybe, she didn't feel right being around Hojo, never had.
Funny. It's almost like when Inuyasha would secretly meet with Kikyo to talk except I actually feel remorse and hadn't lied about where I had been. Kagome thought then she sighed. Kami, I'm pathetic. Ok forget that. No more stalling!
Clearing her throat purpose and determination, Kagome walked into the family room and said, "Hello."
Kagome looked cheerful and calm for she had grown accustom to tucking her emotions into a tiny little ball and imagine tossing them over her shoulder. However, now though, she wished she had done so five years ago.
Inuyasha looked up at her, his violet eyes once serene was filled with annoyance. "You're early. I was just about to make dinner for the three of us."
Ever since the closest store that sold Ramen had been on low supply for the first year of their marriage, Inuyasha had taken cooking lessons from both her and her mother so that he could cook something other than Ramen. It had shocked the two but both women helped Inuyasha. He was a fast learner and a decent, if not excellent cook. Although he'll never let anyone other than a few people to know of his great skills in the kitchen.
"I'm sorry." Kagome said truthfully.
The young woman knew his annoyance had nothing to do with her arrival but the departure of their children. She understood, even though she disliked him she wasn't hateful enough to deprive him of their children or them from him.
Kagome tried to feel nothing for the man, she really did. But she couldn't. After all, she still loved him. Despite all that had happened, her mind chose this exact moment to remember how his fingers had felt upon her skin, so loving and so gentle. The eyes that had once been filled with curiosity, lust and kindness now held pain, resentment and loneliness.
Where is the man I had once loved? Kagome had caught herself asking this every night before crying herself asleep. Maybe he never really existed. Perhaps he too was an illusion.
"I was here originally to visit Sango and Miroku, their daughters and Kirara. However on my way back the clouds began to darken because of a storm. Kirara was kind enough to want to escort us to the well knowing what day it is."
"Yeah, it's our human night." Kioki said cheerfully, patting her head to show her fuzzy ears were temporarily gone.
"Keh, trust you to be all cheerful about it." Leiko snorted and rolled his eyes. He hated this night almost as much as his father.
"Mommy, tell him stop being so mean."
"Leiko please…" Kagome said softly and the boy behaved, after all he loved his mother and was just teasing. Kagome turned her attention back to Inuyasha. "So I just thought that…"
Kagome saw Inuyasha hold their children a bit closer to him in an almost possessive manner, as if those two were his dearest possessions.
I use to be one of those. Something dear to him…I guess. But now I am the one trying to take away those from him. Kagome thought gloomily.
Turning back to their children, Kagome could see they were worried and torn. Kioki was biting her lower lip and Leiko, despite the fact he tried to look impassive; his eyes showed he too was torn. The last thing Kagome wanted was for Leiko and Kioki to feel like wishbones. But sometimes it was unavoidable. Both Inuyasha and Kagome loved their children very much.
"According to the clock, I still have two more hours." Inuyasha said, glancing at the grandfather clock that resided across the room.
Kagome stopped herself from rolling her eyes so she sighed instead. "Come on, Inuyasha. It's been a long day and I really don't have time for this. They have school in the morning and I have to go to work as well. They can spend an extra two hours here next time, I promise."
"Hey why doesn't mommy have dinner with us too?" Kioki suggested.
Leiko didn't hesitate to nod. "Maybe she even has some ramen in her backpack!"
"Oh yes, please daddy. Can she?" Kioki asked.
"Pretty please?" Kioki batted her eyelashes at him with the cutest little pout she could muster. "We can be a big ole family again."
Those words hit both Kagome and Inuyasha like a blow to the gut but they showed no sign that it had affected them.
Inuyasha looked helplessly at the two before sighing. He glanced at Kagome. "I guess she can. That is if she wants to."
In code, 'I really hope she doesn't want to.' Kagome thought wryly. Well I didn't deprive you of them so there's no way in hell you'll deprive me. Besides…I can't remember the last family dinner we had.
Kagome noticed he wouldn't look her in the eyes but then she knew she hardly did that too when it came to him. Perhaps it helped keep the distance between them.
"Uh sure…that is if you guys want me too." Kagome said this carefully, she wanted no arguments between Inuyasha and herself this afternoon at least.
Inuyasha nodded. "The usual?"
Why was it always the simplest words, those familiar memories that hurt the most? The usual consisted of Ramen, Leiko and Inuyasha's favorite and Oden, Kagome and Kioki's favorite plus miso soup and plain rice.
"The usual." Kagome agreed and smiled solely for the children's sake.
While Inuyasha headed outside to gather firewood with Leiko, Kioki skipped over towards her mother with the yearbook in her hand.
"Daddy showed us all these pictures, mommy. You look so beautiful." Kioki said.
Kagome looked at one picture, one that was nearly five years old. She had tried growing her hair out longer…to look more like Kikyo's, she had even worn the priestess kimono Kaede gave her in this photo. However her eyes, filled with laughter and warmth, had ruined the effects and she looked like an imposter rather than the dead priestess. Of that Kagome was thankful for.
Kagome remembered, as if it was just yesterday, how Inuyasha told her he liked her hair just the way it had been before she tried growing it out. He told her it felt like silk, that it wasn't too long or too short and smelled like jasmine. Foolishly, she believed, of course, that he'd find something about her that he liked better than Kikyo—even if it was just her hair.
"Mommy, do you want to see it?" Kioki interrupted Kagome's thoughts.
"See what, sweetie?" Kagome asked, snapping back to her painful reality.
"The thing I made for you." Kioki pouted. "Weren't you listening?"
"Of course I was. I would love to see it."
Kioki beamed. "Ok. I'll go get it." She hurried off towards her room.
Kagome smiled and watched her daughter leave. She sighed as she looked around the room.
It was the room that had been created out of love—or so she had thought. It was still familiar, nothing much has changed. The photographs where still there, the fireplace was lit and the room was warm but not from a loving family but from the glowing embers.
I've always dreamed of having a big family because I love children…I still do. But I guess my dreams have to be altered. I guess there won't be an 'us' anymore. There will only be Inuyasha Takahashi and Kagome Higurashi. Kagome thought and how depressing the realization had been long before and still is.
…
Dinner, unlike how it had been long before, was oddly tensed. Normally Kioki would pretend she didn't notice such things. Now, however, she no longer could. Leiko, who usually slurped when he ate ramen, surprisingly was silent as he ate. Kagome kept her eyes down at her plate and Inuyasha did the same.
"Uh…" Kagome started, hoping to lighten up the mood. "Leiko and Kioki will be on summer vacation next week so…"
"I hate this." Inuyasha said suddenly and looked like he might actually slam down his chopsticks.
"I beg your pardon? You don't like the food?" Kagome frowned.
Inuyasha scowled at her. "You know it's not that. They're our kids. We should be living together, not visiting."
"I'm sorry. But you know that you can see them as often as you like and visa versa. You chose to live here, remember? And besides, no matter what happens, I would never try to keep you guys apart. And I trust you feel the same way when it comes to me and them."
"Then why did you ask for a separation. Life mates never separate, Kagome. Not in death and certainly not in life."
"I know that."
"So…why…?" Inuyasha demanded. "Why did you have to break up our family? Damn it, why do you have to be so…"
Inuyasha threw up his hands in the air as he searched for the right word. "So selfish?"
Wrong word!
His words were like punches to the gut, each more brutal and hurtful than the last. Her only line of defense was to hit right back.
"That's it!" Kagome too stood up, slamming her chopsticks down onto the table. They cracked but only Kioki and Leiko noticed. The two quarter demons gulped inwardly and watched the actually visible flares between their parents.
This was so not good.
"Don't you blame this one of me, you jerk. You're the one who wanted out but I was the one who had the guts to ask for it. Not you."
"You don't know what the hell you're talking about, wench!"
That had done it.
"The hell I don't!" Kagome snapped back. "What about that stupid journal of yours? All those 'dear Kikyo's or 'how much I love you' and so forth and so on. I felt like if I stumbled upon you and that woman in bed together. In fact I might as well have been."
"That's a load of bull." Inuyasha grew angrier. "I was never unfaithful to you!"
"Not in body but in mind you sure were, still are. How do you think it feels to have a man touching you, making love to you while he's thinking of someone else? You don't, do you."
Kagome's voice told of her sorrow without really having to go into much depth. Teas formed in her eyes but she dared not brush them away.
Her mind, it too a traitor, kept reliving that moment. That dreadful moment, in which, she had discovered that awful journal. She had been looking for the wine she had been saving to celebrate their upcoming anniversary, a night she had planned down to the very last detail.
…Mommy. Kioki thought, her food long forgotten and her heart reaching out to her mother.
"It was never like that." Inuyasha said, his face somewhat soften when he noticed her pain and saw her tears. He wanted to hold her, brush those tears away, kiss her and show her all that she now believed wasn't true. But, foolishly, he held himself back. To touch her would mean he'd fall in love with her all over again when he was trying hard not to.
"It was always like that!" Kagome shouted.
"Kagome—"
"Don't 'Kagome' me! You knew I wanted more children, in fact we even talked about a family long before Leiko and Kioki were born. Though indirectly you wanted at least four children as did I, I still do. But you continually refuse and I know why. To do that would mean to add to the family, to make your commitment even longer, isn't that right? Well lucky for you I cut the line short."
Her words were like a slap to the face, each more brutal and truer than the first. Before Inuyasha could reply, Kioki spoke up.
"Why don't I get some candles, daddy?" Kioki thought, remembering how her Aunt Sango used them the night of her and her husband's anniversary. "They'll look really nice and—"
"No," Inuyasha said softly.
Kioki's smile vanished. "Why not daddy?"
"Candles are for special occasions, Kio." Inuyasha looked at Leiko. "Help me with the dishes, kiddo."
Numbly, Leiko nodded.
…
"Candles are for a special occasions."
Inuyasha wanted to punch a hole in the hut. What a stupid thing to say. But the thought of a candlelit dinner with Kagome…No, he couldn't do it.
Just when he had come to terms with being a husband and a father, something he thought not in a million years would be possible; she had bailed out on him.
However a twinge of guilt burned through him. So he kept the journal but it wasn't all lovey-dovey stuff, it was his emotions and it wasn't all about Kikyo either. But the hanyou knew if he told Kagome that in the heat of their argument it would only get worse because he would somehow mess up his explanation.
How could he tell her that her mother was the one who gave him the journal? It would kill her.
"I know you are uncomfortable about expressing your feelings so use this to write down your emotions and experiences in life that caused you pain. And when the final page is done toss them into the fire and it will be like all the stress being lifted off your shoulders."
Damn it. Inuyasha felt as unsettled as the weather outside and his mood only grew worse each second. He was vaguely aware that he had wondered into their—his—bedroom.
"I am here for you." Kagome had said to him despite the fact that he had just been in his demonic form and killed several bandits. She hadn't been afraid of him. She had held him, comfort him.
Inuyasha wasn't sure why the merest sight of her made him feel all fuzzy inside, or that he couldn't look at her in the eyes or touch her without getting some goofy look on his face, despite any anger he might feel in that time frame. He knew if she touched him, kissed him the way she always had he would confess everything about the journal, his feelings like he wish he had long before.
"It's true. Some 'mates' are formed but not out of love but from the need for a heir or stature."
"Like father and your mother?"
"Yes. And I am no different." Inuyasha knew Sesshoumaru had lied about his feelings for Kagura.
"These couples would fall under what humans consider just 'lovers,' beneath the stature of demonic mating. True there is a marking that is similar but the marking will fade the scent of the supposed mate will still linger until their death. That is not a scared binding and the mates can stray if permitted and founded by their real mates. Unlike lovers formed out of obligation, true mate's mark will remain on that area until the two die. My father found his mate decades after my mother's passing."
Inuyasha nodded and Sesshoumaru continued. Inwardly, he was impressed they could be civil towards one another and hold a decent conversation without going at each other's throats. But then so many things had changed.
The older demon glanced at the portraits hanging around the room. One of his mate and himself, one of their adopted daughter Rin and their son Yoshiro then the last one was that of his brother, his mate and their children.
"Mates of obligations are not considered mates and their life spans are not tied. Our father understood this and did not finish the mating ceremony with either woman in fear they might die because of the life he lived. He was destined to be with your mother for he wasn't forced to be with her so the Fates bent the rule just this once."
"You need not worry." Sesshoumaru poured himself a glass of brandy. "Kagome and you won't be separate for long, you love each other, it's obvious. I suggest you make it be known."
Make it be known? Inuyasha thought. But how?
Inuyasha pulled down his collar and looked at the kanji marking in the mirror. The separation wouldn't last long, not if the Fates had anything to say about it.
"You have to resolve the problem on your own. As mates you can only be separated for six months, a year would be pushing it." Midoriko, the controller of Fate said.
Inuyasha blinked. "How am I to—?"
"Talk to her. Woo her. In fact, proclaim you love her. But don't fight with her."
Inuyasha sighed and leaned against the door of his bedroom.
Kagome looked at Inuyasha, "So how do we do this?"
"You take me inside of your body and say you accept me as I am, I will walk beside you forever. But you do understand this is a lifetime commitment?"
Kagome looked intrigued by this mating ceremony and spending her life with him. "I'm sure. I've never been surer in my entire life."
Inuyasha knew. He knew he still had feelings for Kagome even though Inuyasha pretended otherwise. His brother knew, his friends knew, everyone knew but Kagome. He didn't want her to. If the wench didn't want to be with him he wasn't about to be one of those bastards and force her to.
I know I maybe just a hanyou but I am bigger than this. Inuyasha thought. I'll get over her.
Oh how he was lying to himself.
Kami, help me. Both Inuyasha and Kagome thought.
Kagome closed the door to the spare room in the large hut silently. How it felt so weird to be back here in this house once again. The memories were still fresh.
"How long have you known me, Inuyasha? I had hoped you felt the same but I know now that I was wrong. But in all the years we've been together you should've known I will not hold you back from what you truly desire. I just wish you had been upfront about it instead of leading me on."
Inuyasha frowned. "What are you saying?"
"You don't have to play stupid with me, Inuyasha. We've been playing that game so long now that it's tiring and annoying. Don't you understand or do I have to spell it out for you? I have set you free. Free of me and of your responsibilities. In other words I'm asking for a separation. You and I are not mates."
"After the mating ceremony is done and over with it's irreversible. You can't do that."
"Just watch me." Kagome said, jerking her head towards the office that had all the marriage license and listings of demon mates.
Inuyasha blinked then grew frustrated all the more. "Wench what—"
"It's Kagome." The young woman said as coldly as she could muster while inwardly she was breaking up inside.
You're free to continue to love a woman who'd forever distain you. Kagome added silently. Despite her anger, she was not cruel enough to rub salt in an open wound. Kami, I am so pathetic.
Next Time: Wounds still fresh: the thing between us
Name meanings:
Kioki—meets the world without equal (Inuyasha and Kagome's daughter—second born)
Leiko—arrogant (Inuyasha and Kagome's son—first born)
Hoshiko—star child (Miroku and Sango's daughter)