A/N: Starts at the end of Harry's third year of Hogwarts (PoA). Majority takes place during Harry's fourth year of Hogwarts (GoF), although you won't see any of that here. It's Tonks' first year as one of Wizarding Britain's finest.
(And yes, shameless rip-off of the Very Secret Diaries by Cassandra Claire, Lamentations of a Starry-Eyed Twit by She's a Star and Bridget Jones's Diary by Helen Fielding. In fact, you're probably better off reading one of those instead.)
I played around a bit with Tonks's age. According to my/her back-story, she was born in '71 and started Hogwarts the year after Sirius went to Azkaban. None of which is vitally important, but, well, there you go. No "oh dear, maths" here, by golly!

Virtual chocolate frogs to WiccaRowan for reminding me of the law of Karma and for her invaluable beta skills. Grazie!

The Case Book of Auror (Third Class) Nymphadora Tonks
1994-1995

14 May 1994
13:12 Soooo tired. Today is first day off after first week at Ministry. Well, technically, I don't have the day totally free and clear: rookies are required to be on call during days off. I'm fairly sure they didn't mention that in training.

First week ended up not being a total loss, after that perfectly wretched start. Because of my "close familial association" with "person(s) currently evading capture", I've been assigned to Protection Detail with Auror Savage instead of field duty. Which means that instead of fighting dangerous dark wizards (and witches!) in dank alleyways, I'll be hobnobbing with celebrities and dignitaries. Well, not so much hobnobbing as standing menacingly in the background. Or just standing quietly with an air of mystery at any rate, as I'm not sure I'm up to menacing yet. Wonder if I can Morph a chunk out of my nose like Mad Eye's?

(And I'm still waiting for an answer as to why, after undergoing biannual character tests and a three month long background check during training, they don't seem to trust me any farther than I could throw Minister Fudge. Not that I would throw Minister Fudge. Although I would have dearly liked to hex him when he started making noises about a Metamorphmagus Registry. Tosser.)

It's not so bad, so far. Savage showed me round Level Two, introduced me to some of the other Aurors and gave me about six tonnes of files I need to memorize. I always did like doing research. We don't have any cases assigned to us until next week, so Savage left me to my reading while he "did paperwork". Apparently, that's Auror code for napping in one's cubicle, because every time I needed to ask him a question, that's what he was doing. (Note to self: find out which Charm he's using to give the appearance of being awake. Dead useful, that. I thought at first that he was just ignoring my questions, until I realized he was actually snoring.)

The days seem pretty routine. We have a departmental briefing every morning at precisely 09:17. I know Scrimgeour's a stickler for protocol, but that's just plain weird. I wonder – does that time hold a special significance? Briefing usually lasts between forty-five and sixty minutes; each team brings the rest of the department up to speed on their current cases, Scrimgeour gives out our assignments, someone makes a few-off colour jokes, Shacklebolt gives us The Sirius Report, I ignore the stares and we're done.

(That reminds me - must remember to tell Jaya the one about Helga Hufflepuff, the unicorn and the barrel of civet oil. Priceless!)

After the briefing, Savage grills me on my reading, quizzes me on the more obscure security regulations we're to follow, steals my tea and leaves me to my stacks of files.

I think I'm going to like this job…

17:44 … if my eyes don't fall out first!

Photios Kephalas, the Greek Minister of Magic, is bringing a delegation to London next week and yours truly has been charged with protecting the family! Well, not by myself, of course. Savage and I will be working with another British team (Lobelia Vong and Matthew Paster) as well as our Greek counterparts, but first, I have to familiarize myself with the family's history, Kephalas's known and suspected enemies and the current political climate in Athens.

Cor, and I thought History of Magic with Binns was boring.

The records clerks at the Ministry are about two hundred years behind on their filing, so I had to personally pull every file from the archives, no matter how tangentially connected. Once I'd done that, I then had to skim through each of them to find the ones that actually relate to the information we received from the Greek Ministry. Only took me two full days.

Now, even though I'm off the clock and at home, I have to review the rest of the files and prepare a dossier for Savage to review at the Monday briefing. If I'm lucky, I should have it done by 09:15 Monday morning. Argh.

15 May 1994
20:19 Dossier is finished! Yay!

16 May 1994
11:07 Gods, I'm nervous.

Briefing went well: Savage complimented me on the information I gathered, but I'm not sure that's such a good thing. Have a funny feeling I'm going to see far more of the archives than is healthy in the next few months.

The Greek delegation is due in by portkey any moment now. There's a reception for them down on Level Five, after which the politicians will go behind closed doors and the family will be in our hands.

Aaagh!

22 May 1994
23:33 I AM NEVER HAVING ANY BLOODY CHILDREN!

I will be perfectly content playing Auntie Tonks to all my friends' spawn for the rest of my life, provided I never have to go through another week like this one again.

I have, at last count: thirteen bruises on my shins and thighs from the thrashing fists of Mr Costas Kephalas, aged seven; one fractured rib sustained while "rescuing" the world's most ill-behaved half-Kneazle; and a constant ringing in my ears from the high-pitched squeals of the Misses Kephalas, aged thirteen and fifteen.

Next time we're given a choice of protectees? Savage had better opt for tagging along with the adults, or he's going to be on the receiving end of some very nasty hexes.

The good news is we don't have to report back for work until Thursday. I'm just going to sleep for the next 36 hours. Bliss.

24 May 1994
15:21 Lobelia Vong just owled to see if I'd like to meet her and some friends at the Leaky Cauldron tonight. Have already sent a reply saying I'd love to. Would be nice to have mates in the Department. Lobelia's only a few years older than me and we got on quite well during our assignment. Should be fun!

21:10 Probably would have been fun if Lobelia hadn't shown up with her boyfriend, Mr Darcy Pendergast, aka Arsy Face. Or, as I shall start calling him: Arsy Faced Balding Scuzzbucket the First.

Luckily, when Sophie and I went out that night, I had Morphed into what I like to call Town Tonks: hair like the cellist from the Weird Sisters (only, you know, girl-style), face a cross between my true look and the cover model from the October 1984 Witch Weekly (the epitome of beauty to my pubescent self), and my real body. What? Like you wouldn't do it too! It's not like I'm out looking for Mr Right at the pubs, so a little … enhancement is perfectly legal. My putting on a different face is like any other witch wearing makeup or padding out her chest.

But that's not the point. The point is that he didn't recognise me and I had to spend an evening with Arsy Faced Balding Scuzzbucket the First in which I had to watch his girlfriend, my new colleague, fawn all over him while he sat there playing the good boyfriend.

Arse.

I almost wish he had recognised me or tried to hit on me or something so I could make a huge scene. As it was, I couldn't even enjoy my Bottomless Brew!

I don't know Lobelia well enough to know how she'll take it if I tell her. But how can I not tell her? Her boyfriend's a total scumbag!

21:49 Jaya just Floo-called to ask if I was coming to lunch at her parents' house on Sunday. As if I'm going to pass up free vindaloo and flirting with her cousins.

She also had an idea for the Operation Arsy Face (OAF! Hah! ... I really think I need a hobby). Since he obviously didn't recognise me, I'm perfectly safe to gossip with Lobelia about a "friend" of mine who snogged a complete stranger who turned out to have a girlfriend. If I manage to drop heavy enough hints, maybe she'll pick up on it. And if she doesn't, I can at least feel her out about the whole "boyfriend cheating on girlfriend" scenario.

22:07 I wonder if mentioning that thing he did with his tongue would be enough. Was fairly remarkable.

22:31 I could just delicately ask about the hex scar on Balding's chin and casually mention that it looks like one my best friend put on her boyfriend that time she caught him in the broom cupboard with… Nah. Too complicated.

26 May 1994
09:13 Only have a few minutes before the briefing. Savage caught me on my way in this morning to tell me we have a new assignment already. Celestina Warbeck's doing some charity function on Saturday night and Minister Fudge has volunteered our services. Seems he heard good things from the Greek Minister's family. How that's possible, I really don't know, considering I spent most of the week daydreaming about shutting the boy up in a wardrobe.

09:14 For the record, the Ministry really should look into replacing the furniture in the guest quarters. Do you know, there's not a decent-sized wardrobe in the place! How on earth are visiting dignitaries supposed to hang up all their various robes of state? Shameful.

Also, Celestina Warbeck? I'll be lucky if I don't vomit all over the place. I can't stand her caterwauling.

29 May 1994
04:02 Just got in from duty. Party was as awful as I suspected. Celestina sang (if you can call it that) for more than an hour. Ugh. Pity we aren't allowed to drink while working.

Bright spot of evening was having a chat with Lobelia before we left Headquarters. Seems she's not as oblivious as I thought.

Oh gods, I'm knackered. Must go to bed now; have to be at the Choudhuri's in eight hours.

04:04 I hope Jaya's cousin Nikhil is going to be there. He's gorgeous. And not in any way averse to flirting with shapeshifting Anglos over a platter of lemon rice. Hurrah!

18:30 Nikhil was not there. Seems he's gone to visit his betrothed in India. Woe!

Jaya owes me many drinks for failing to tell me that my future husband was marrying someone else.

Mrs Choudhuri wouldn't let me leave without taking some of the leftovers, though. Okay, most of the leftovers. And her grammy read my palm and predicted a Grand Romance in my future, so despite crushing blow of recent fantasy-destroying doom, today was still splendid.

18:36 Jaya owes me many, many drinks. Nikhil's like something out of one of those Bollywood films her grammy is always going into Muggle London to see. How could she have forgotten to tell me that he's getting married? She obviously needs to seriously rethink her priorities. And, by her priorities, I mean mine. Because snogging Nikhil was right up at the top for the last five years.

18:41 I think getting her mother's recipe for this sabzi kurma might lessen the blow a smidgen. If all vegetables tasted this good, no one would eat meat ever again.

23:17 Oh, bollocks. I've just realized I forgot to launder my suitably dowdy work clothes.

23:21 Surely no one will notice if I dress down just this once?

23:24 What am I thinking? They're Aurors. They notice everything.

02 June 1994 – Birthday in Ten Days!
13:07 Have I mentioned how very much I adore the Ministry archives? No? Didn't mention the pounds of dust coating every surface? The romantic, dungeon-like atmosphere? The complete and utter lack of anything resembling any sort of organizational scheme beyond "Just Put That Over There, No, There, Under the Gigantic Cobwebs"?

14:31 Savage is going to owe me big-time for this. Have been down here for almost three hours and I swear to Merlin a spider the size of my head just ran across my foot. Shudder.

14:52 I'm thinking a giant chocolate-cherry-banana sundae from Fortescue's should even us up. With whipped cream. And sprinkles. Maybe some fudge sauce?

Next time I have to do research, I'm packing a lunch.

15:27 What was that noise?

16:10 I think that spider is watching me. Oh gods! It's probably an acromantula! It's lurking in the shadows, waiting for me to be distracted so it can spin me up in silk and devour me slowly and painfully! No one will ever find my desiccated corpse in all these files! I'm doomed for all eternity to be surrounded by parchments no sane person will ever read! Doomed!

16:12 I haven't even been to Italy. I can't die before I go to Italy! I want to walk along the aqueducts and soak up the sunshine and drink insane amounts of wine and have torrid affairs with handsome Italian wizards who don't understand a single word I say. Or handsome, non-English-speaking Muggles. Whichever, I'm not picky.

16:15 What was that?

16:18 Right. That's it. I'm out of here. I've enough files to last me the rest of the week and …

16:19 Oh holy mother of Merlin, it RAN RIGHT UP MY LEG! EURGH!

I looked right in its gigantic … eye … cluster and I know I saw evil. Pure unadulterated EVIL.

16:21 There may possibly have been some eye bogeys as well but I'm not sure as I was too busy shrieking and trying to NOT BE EATEN!

16:22 (Research: Do spiders even get eye bogies? Do they have tear ducts?)

17:03 So, apparently, there's a Sorting charm we can use in the archives to bring relevant files directly to our cubicles.

Ha. Ha. Ha. Bloody laugh riot.

Everyone just fell about the place laughing when I came hurtling into the office, shrieking about acromantulas, and crashed into a hat stand. I can still hear Savage snorting with demonic glee.

17:10 Wankers.

05 June 1994 – Birthday in Seven Days!
19:17 Hurrah! Have three days off in a row!

Savage is on holiday until the ninth and no one else in the department is partner-less right now, so I've been cut from the roster for the next few days. I have to be on-call for the next thirty-six hours, but after that, I am free!

Have already owled Sophie and Sebastian, Hex, Jaya, and Gwyn and Bertram for a celebratory mini-break/early birthday party at the Hog's Head Friday night where I plan to get thoroughly drunk and NOT snog any arsy-faced scumbags.

21:02 Hope I don't get called in to work. Haven't done any dishes or laundry in more than a week. It's very scary in here. And, considering how talented I am with the householdy charms, that's really not a good situation.