Chapter Three
"Heavenly" My Neck
Hey guys! This chapter is written by me, Exorcist Erika, since Exorcist Rosette is too busy finishing up all of her other stories. And I heard that a movie based on the object of her obsession just came out, so this story just keeps getting put off. T.T Anyways, I made this chapter mostly about Erika and Rosette, with Emily's nose occasionally making rude comments. So enjoy and review! Or Emily's nose will sneeze on you! XP
Disclaimer: No, we don't own "The Exorcism of Emily's Nose" and we would never want to own that movie. Sadly, I also don't own the RAZR, not even one. T.T And there's a mention of characters from the book Rebirth. Don't own them either.
Rosette and Erika glared at each other from across the living room. They were both still mad from the day before.
"So?" asked Rosette crossly. "How are we going to solve this particular case?"
Erika glared back. "Oh, dearest Rosie," she said sarcastically, "you're the demon expert here. Why don't you tell me?"
"Well, I would suggest we try a double exorcism, with Father Noseblow present with the prayers and the Puffs Plus with soothing aloe, but you prefer the stuffy old ancient way, with the swords and weapons and all that." Rosette replied, just as sarcastic.
"Yeah?" huffed Erika, crossing her arms. "Well, what about the duck tape incident? I told you that demons aren't real fond of getting duck taped. Or toilet papered."
"Yeah, well, they deserved it. My bullets wouldn't go through. Not even the silver ones."
Erika snorted. "That's what you get for using your precious guns. They're not as reliable as my weapons."
"Your weapons?" retorted Rosette. "You mean your rusty butter knife, your twigs, and the old sticks? Not to mention your caveman club?"
"They're called swords, bow and arrows, and STAFFS! Not caveman clubs!" Erika yelled back, a large stress mark throbbing on her forehead. "That's it; you're so going down, sister."
Rosette raised her eyebrows and put her hands on her hips. "Oh no you didn't," she said, glaring at Erika.
Erika glared back. "Oh yes I just did," she replied hotly. Her hand whipped out and she sang a spell, quickly throwing a concentrated beam of light at Rosette.
The other exorcist dodged just in time. "Sister, you're throwing one of those at me? Now you're gonna get it," she said, flexing her hands in preparation. She raised her hands and chanted in the ancient tongue, bringing up a beam of light similar yet very different from the beam that Erika threw. She brought her hands in and then tossed the ball of light at Erika as if she was throwing a baseball. Erika sang up a shimmering silver wall of light, deflecting Rosette's attack, which was going at about 120 miles per hour.
"Rosette, you imbecile, don't throw attacks in the house!" Erika yelled from behind her defenses.
"Yeah, well, you started it!" Rosette yelled back, drawing in strands of light to throw at Erika.
"You'll break something!" Erika shouted, while throwing her own attack at Rosette.
"You're doing it too!"
After that, the living room became a war zone. Beam of light charged across the room at unbelievable speeds. Walls of light were erected and shattered, and sometimes the exorcists had to use furniture. During all that, the two "heavenly" exorcists yelled not so heavenly insults at each other. Quite a few of those words would go BLEEEP if said on TV.
Meanwhile, Emily, after tossing and turning the entire night because her nose talked in its sleep, woke up to the sound of crashes and bangs downstairs. The night before, her mother and Father Noseblow had left, promising that they would be back to check up on her. They assured her that she would be in fine hands with the exorcists. Boy, were they wrong. Still in her pajamas, Emily walked over to the top of the stairs, rubbing her eyes sleepily. However, after seeing the scene below her, all traces of sleep evaporated. In the living room, Erika and Rosette were each barricaded on their own side of the living room. Tables, chairs, anything solid were stacked in front of each one, blocking them from each other's light attacks. The place looked like the battle fronts of a war. Rosette was even wearing a camouflaged army helmet that was tilted sideways on her head. They were yelling stuff at each other that Emily wasn't sure that she was supposed to hear at her age.
"Um…Erika? Rosette?" Emily asked while sweat dropping. Her nose was still asleep, and she hoped they would take a look at it before it woke up.
"My meatloaf does not taste like rubber!" yelled Rosette, throwing a large, shining orb of light at Erika. Unfortunately, it deflected off Erika's silver aura shield and hit the wall right above Emily's head. Emily winced and threw her hands up to protect her head.
"Ouchies!" yelped a voice. "What on earth was that?"
Emily sighed. Her nose had woken up.
"Oh, good morning Emily!" called Rosette while dodging another one of Erika's rays.
"Good morning creepy, old, exorcist hag!" Emily's nose called down cheerily.
Rosette froze. Slowly, she turned her head towards the nose. "What did you just call me?" she asked, gritting her teeth. Her face was a dark mask of fury.
The nose blanched. "Erp!" it uttered. "Nothing!"
Rosette turned back. "Good!" she said.
"Stupid nun," the nose muttered after it was positively sure Rosette couldn't hear it.
"Emily dear," called Erika from behind a giant wall of light that Rosette was currently trying to penetrate. "what do you want for breakfast?"
"Ooh, ooh, I want some scrambled eggs and coffee!" the nose yelled.
"Eww…" cringed Emily. I hate scrambled eggs. How are you going to eat it anyways? Stuff it up the nostrils?"
"You want me to?" the nose retorted, trying to glare at her.
"Heck no," muttered Emily. "Erika?" she called down to the battling exorcist. "I think I can just fix my own breakfast, seeing that you're…um…preoccupied."
"Nonsense," Erika called back up. "You're the guest. Now tell me what you want."
Emily sweatdropped. Erika's wall had been shattered by Rosette, and now she was deflecting the fiery balls of light thrown at her by singing up and throwing her own fiery balls of light back. It caused quite a bit of fireworks. "I can just have a bowl of cereal," she yelled over the clash of fire.
"Oh, come on, just cereal? Don't you want some pancakes?" Rosette asked. "I can whip some up real quick."
"But you're busy…" said Emily, now really dazed.
"Nonsense!" Rosette said cheerily, "My pancakes are the best!"
"But-"
"Your pancakes?" snorted Erika. "They taste like your meatloaf!"
A vein pulsed on Rosette's forehead. "YOU DARE INSULT MY PANCAKES?" she yelled loudly. Emily's ears throbbed. She was positive that the sound scared the birds roosting outside away and she could swear that she saw the roof rattle. "That's it! You're so dead, Spellsinger!"
"Not if I kill you first, Silver Bullet!" Erika taunted, sticking her tongue out at Rosette.
"You making fun of my guns?" asked Rosette, her voice dangerously calm with white magic swirling up behind her. The wind created from her energy lashed around her, causing papers to fly away everywhere and her hair to whip up behind her. Her eyes glowed gold and she raised her arms. Emily gawked at the sight, her eyes bugging out. Even her nose stopped making rude comments and stared. Strands of light gathered at her hands, churning the air around her. She pulled her hands back and then threw all the light across the room at Erika. The other exorcist yelped and ducked behind a coffee table, immediately raising a huge wall of light to protect herself. Emily and the nose stared on in utter incredulity. Suddenly, in the midst of Rosette's enraged attack on Erika, they all heard a small ringing sound. Rosette temporarily stopped summoning light and looked around, her eyes still glowing gold.
"Wait…" muttered Erika. "I know that sound…" But right then Rosette decided to dismiss the ringing and proceeded to attack Erika once more. Erika looked around, furrowing her brow. "I've heard it before…" she grumbled, trying to keep the flames of light from reaching her. All of a sudden, realization dawned on her and her eyes widened in panic. At that moment, you can bet that whatever words were running around in her head, they weren't very heavenly. "Oh NOO," she moaned, reaching into her pocket. Emily craned her neck to see what she pulled out. In her hand, silver and shiny, was Erika's cell phone, ringing its antenna off. Emily winced. Ouch. She could see why Erika was so panicked; talking on a cell phone while fending off an enraged Rosette probably wasn't the best idea, especially when you had to sing most of your major spells. But, considering the fact that all those beams of light thrown at her were probably causing some brain damage, Erika picked up. "Hello?" she said cautiously.
"Good morning, Sister Erika!" came Father Noseblow's muffled voice, "I tried calling your house phone, but there was to signal."
Erika glanced at the table where the phone once stood and grimaced. One of Rosette's fire balls had gone astray and destroyed it. "Um…yeah, it kinda broke…" said Erika while gathering another handful of light to renew her wall, which was getting a major beating from Rosette. However, Rosette wasn't about to give up. She chanted quickly, and tossed a few fire balls over the wall at Erika, who almost screamed out loud into Father Noseblow's ear. That would have been bad, considering that the volume on the phone was turned up quite loud. Erika quickly sang a spell under her breath and tossed it over the wall at Rosette, who actually did scream.
Father Noseblow, however, was still continuing. "Yes, well, I am calling to check on Emily Renolds, I trust that she is enjoying her stay?"
Erika sweatdropped. So far, they had woken Emily up by throwing fire balls in the living room, not even fixed her breakfast yet due to the fact that Rosette's pancakes got insulted and so she went on a rampage, and if Rosette got any madder Emily could possibly be turned into ash. Hmm…was she enjoying her stay? "Uh, hold on, Father N, I gotta ask her," Erika said, taking the phone off her ear while Father Noseblow muttered something about not appreciating being called 'Father N.' "Hey Emily!" Erika yelled up to the stairway. "Are you enjoying your stay? Father Noseblow here wants to know!"
"Heck yeah!" the nose yelled back. "But tell Father Nosey that I'm not getting my scrambled eggs yet! And coffee!"
Erika glared at it. "Not you, you third-rate demon!"
Emily glanced at Rosette, who temporarily stopped her assault to replenish her energy. Her entire being glowed gold and white, almost blinding Emily. "Uh, well, apart from the war going on right now, I guess this place is ok," she called down to Erika, not wanting to anger Rosette any more by saying she didn't like it here.
Erika grinned and went back to the phone. "Yeah, Father N," she said, "Emily likes it here. Her nose does too."
"Oh, yes, the nose…" mused Father Noseblow, "I suppose we can get the materials and perform the exorcism soon? What kind of ejection ritual do you and Sister Rosette think is best for this particular case of possession?"
"Well, considering that nose's attitude, I say we just whack it with our staffs and make it come out," muttered Erika, bracing her shield for another attack. A huge crack appeared at the center of the shield, and smaller cracks quickly spider-webbed across the wall. Cursing under her breath, but not loud enough for Father Noseblow to hear, Erika sang up an ice spell and threw spear of cold frost over the wall at Rosette, who tried dodging them, quite unsuccessfully, by the sound of the crashes and curses.
"Say what?" asked Father Noseblow.
"Never mind, I think the best ritual would be…" here she paused, remembering that this is what caused her and Rosette's argument in the first place. "Actually, I'll have to talk with Rosie on this and get back to you."
"Alright, fine. Is Sister Rosette available now?"
Erika glanced at Rosette. She was currently throwing balls of fire at 120 miles per hour at her shield. "Oh, um…she isn't here right now," lied Erika.
"Really? Hmm…then could I reach her on her cell phone?"
"NO!" yelped Erika. NO ONE would want to talk to Rosette right now.
"Why not?"
"Uh…because she has a really bad case of, uh…the…Lizard Pox!" said Erika, thinking quickly.
"Lizard Pox?"
"Yeah, real bad case. She's been spewing everywhere. Green speckles have just been popping up all over," lied Erika. She wondered if lying to a priest was a sin because considering all the truth stretching she's been doing, it's probably really adding up on somebody's naughty list.
"Ok, fine. Is Emily available then?"
Erika let out a breath she had been holding in. "Yeah, sure, hold on," she said, taking the phone off her ear. "Hey Emily!" she called.
"Uh, yeah?"
"Father N. wants to talk to you. I'm tossing the phone up. Careful, it's a new one."
"Ok…"
Erika pulled back her arm and threw the phone. Unfortunately, Rosette noticed. "Oh no you don't!" she yelled, and blasted a column of light at the phone, immediately turning it into ashes. Emily stared and sweatdropped, hands still extended to catch the phone.
"AHHHHH! MY PHONE!" Erika wailed, instantly dropping her beaten-up shield. She turned on Rosette, pointing a finger. "You killed my phone! It was a new RAZR, too!"
"I don't care!" goaded Rosette, sticking her tongue out.
"Oh, man, now you're gonna get it," Erika growled softly, voice dangerously calm.
"FINE! I don't CARE!" Rosette yelled back. It was a very foolish thing to say.
Just as white magic rose behind Rosette, silver swirled up behind Erika. However, it was layered with dark magic, the energy whipping around her and tossing her raven black hair up everywhere. Her eyes glowed black, and the shadows lashed about, churning dangerously. Rosette took one look at her and let loose a string of words that would have even shamed Jerry Springer.
"I can't look," groaned Emily, covering her eyes.
"Me neither," yowled her nose.
"You'll get what you deserve!" yelled Erika, shooting a column of dark magic up in the air.
"Yeah, like a box of chocolates!" retorted Rosette. That, too, was a very foolish thing to say.
Erika summoned up her bow and using a string of shadows, melded a spiritual arrow. She nocked the weapon and pointed it at Rosette. The other exorcist sweatdropped, and pulled out a string of light, melding that into a spiritual gun, complete with silver bullets and all.
"Erika you cheater, no fair using your dark magic!" Rosette yelled.
"So?" Erika shouted back. "You have a flippin' GUN in your hands!"
"Yeah, well, I guess it's no wonder you're using dark magic, considering that your friend what's her name is hanging out with a stupid resurrected vampire!" Rosette retorted.
"It's a tragic tale!"
"Yeah, well, TOO BAD!"
Erika growled and readied her bow. Rosette adjusted her gun. Light magic surged behind Rosette and dark silvery magic lashed about behind Erika. They fired their weapons. Unfortunately, the arrow and the bullet collided against each other and exploded, causing their white ceiling fan to blow up also. Not about to give up, Rosette tossed away the gun, which melded back into a strand of light. The determined (or crazy, take your pick) exorcist summoned up all her light and formed it into one single huge, brilliant bullet. Behind her radiated spiritual angel wings formed of light. Erika called up all of her darkness and formed that into one giant flaming arrow. Behind her shone spiritual angel wings also. But, there were four of them, and they were black, formed of darkness. They glared at each other. Emily peeked of her hands and saw the light and darkness lashing out at their confinements, struggling to get to the other.
"Oh, no…" she groaned. Her nose agreed.
Erika and Rosette unleashed their energies, and the two rushed forward. The power smashed against each other, veering off to the right and crashing into a wall mirror. The mirror deflected the power and sent it to the opposite direction, which was straight at Emily. She yelled and dived to the floor, the column of energy blasting a hole through the wall right behind where she was standing. As the smoke and rubble cleared, Erika and Rosette heard screaming from the staircase. Fortunately it was just Emily's nose.
"Ahhhhh! I'm gonna die! I'm too young to pass away! Ahhhhh! I didn't even get that scrambled eggs and coffee yet! Ahhhhh! Remember me as-"
"Oh shut up, you stupid third-rate nose," muttered Emily as she stood up, brushing herself off. Suddenly there was more screaming. "Didn't I tell you-" began Emily until she realized it was Erika and Rosette who were screaming.
"I can't believe it! My WALL!"
"Ahhhhh! It's all your fault!"
"ME! You were the one that summoned all that energy!"
"If I didn't you were gonna KILL me!"
"Well, excuse me!"
"I'M GONNA SNEEZE!"
"HUH?" Erika and Rosette said dumbly, in unison. They glanced up to where Emily stood. She was holding her nose while it squeakily complained.
"I'm gonna sneeze!" Emily yelled again.
"No, I am!" shrilled her nose, who sounded very congested.
"AH AH AH-" began Emily.
"HUH?" Erika and Rosette said in union and stared dumbly, not yet processing what was going to happen.
"AH!"
The exorcists suddenly understood what was about to happen. They stared Emily, then looked at each other, looked back at Emily again, and said, "Oh-" And you can bet that whatever it was that they said, it sure wasn't "oh dearie me" And it sure as heck wasn't very heavenly.
"AH-CHOO!"
Hope you enjoyed it! I love the Exorcists. Wait until you see what they do to the nose demon. Please review kindly and point out any mistakes or typos. All advice, suggestions, and constructive criticism are greatly appreciated. Thanks!