I must, simply must, thank Phantom's Jedi for the idea for this chapter! I heart you! I also heart all my reviewers, because you all are amazing! Fairly Fair like, amazing reviewers.
They all sat in the great drawing room talking. Théoden King had been informed that he had banished his Sister Son Eomer, and that his Son of Mine was dead, and that his Sister Daughter was much aggrieved by the presence of Grima… the Tongue of Worms.
Aragorn slammed his fist on the table, "Hark! You, Théoden King, King of the fair Rohan, must go to War! Saruman will come to your fair doorstep if you do not!"
The fair golden head, of the fair Théoden King, which was not as fair as the late Fair Gwenel Sue's fair golden head was, turned to look upon Aragorn.
"When last I checked, Aragorn son of Arathorn, Sister Son! I was the fair king of the Fair Rohan, which is in the Fair NORTH OF THE FAIR ARDA!" he yelled, his voice getting gradually louder with every word.
Aragorn's eyes grew wide as he looked up, "I am the son of Arathorn, not his Sister Son. Or his Sister Sister for that matter. If such a thing exists, and I didn't wish to be king of your land for one day I will be King of Men, and rule over all of Arda."
Théoden looked aghast. He then crumpled to the floor in tears. "You will be my king wont you?" He sniveled.
Aragorn sat quietly contemplating this statement. "Yes, I believe I shall be…" he murmured.
"And you will be mean to me, and make me do things I don't want to if I disobey you now…" Théoden let out another sob.
"Yes, yes I shall." Said Aragorn more forcefully.
"Then I will take my people to Helms Deep where we shall fight!" Cried Théoden, until Gandalf rolled his eyes and sighed.
HELMS DEEP
"So like, we will definitely like kill all of those like, ba-zillion orcs?" Eadocce questioned, as she stood at the wall of Helms Deep.
"Yes. Simply put, we must." Aragorn answered.
"I see. And where is Gandalf?" Eadocce questioned, again.
"He has gone to find Eomer, and maybe find a few more men to help aid us in this battle." Aragorn answered.
"I like, see." Eadocce nodded. Then she said, "Like this is the perfect time for a beauty nap." She sighed.
Just at that moment a loud shriek was emitted from the deep of… uhhh… Helms Deep. Suddenly a flurry of pink came running up to the wall, its long, long, long, blonde hair swirling around it in anger.
It went straight for Eadocce and grabbed it. Then it bellowed, in hot anger, "GWENEL THE FLOURESCENT PINK! BECAUSE WHITE WAS ALREADY TAKEN BY EADOCCE THE WHITE!FLOURESCENT PINK! WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT!" She threw down Eadocce and then Eadocce became angered.
"HOW, LIKE, DARE YOU THROW DOWN EADOCCE THE WHITE, I HAVE PERMITED YOU TO CALL ME EADOCCE, SO THAT YOU FEEL NO LESSER THAN I, THE LIKE, GREAT EADOCCE! YOU ARE A DISGRACE TO LIKE ALL SUES!" Suddenly a lightening rod struck the wall and both girls took out rather elven looking blades.
Eadocce swung hard at Gwenel, who did a matrix bend thing… and avoided being cut across the chest again. Gwenel did a power rangers flip in the air and brought her sword down crashing into the floor where Eadocce stood but a second ago. Suddenly a horn sounded.
Eadocce cocked her head sideways, just in time for it to get out of Gwenel's sword's way, and then both girls ran down the pathway, to see if Haldir and his army where indeed on their way. Way? Kay.
They entered the lower chambers where men where busy picking out swords. Legolas looked very frustrated.
"Farmers, farriers, stable boys they are no soldiers." Aragorn groaned.
"Most have seen to many winters." Gimli nodded equally frustrated.
"Or too few! Look at them! They are frightened; I can see it in their eyes!" Legolas spat.
Gwenel nodded furiously, and to alls astonishment, she spoke elvish, "Boe a hyn: neled herain dan caer menig."
Aragorn looked at her his eyes open in wonder, at her…. Pinkness. "You live?" he gasped. Then he shook his head and whispered forcefully, "Si beriathar hýn ammaeg nâ ned Edoras."
Legolas shook his head fiercely and turned swiftly to Aragorn, "Aragorn---"
Gwenel cut him off quickly, "nedin dagor hen ú-'erir otheri. Natha daged dhaer!" She spat, disgusted.
"THEN I SHALL DIE AS ONE OF THEM!" bellowed Eadocce, glaring at Gwenel. Everyone turned to Eadocce to see her standing there, looking disheveled.
Aragorn looked at her, "I was going to say that." He sighed, and stormed out.
"Let him go lad, let him be." Gimli said catching hold of Legolas's arm as he made after Aragorn.
"Nay, we must go now. The Elves are here." Eadocce said as she turned on her heels.
As they ran down the steps, Eadocce saw a sight that made her heart jump to her throat. There he stood, the great, the magnificent… March Warden… sigh…
"I bring word from Elrond of Rivendell. An alliance once existed between Elves and Men. Long ago we fought and died together. We come to honour that allegiance." Haldir said, giving a bow.
Eadocce immediate threw herself into his arms, and as he looked down at the bundle of white in his arms, he sighed. "Haldir O Lorien! Mae Govannen! Mi AMOR!" Haldir uttered an expletive in Elvish, not understanding her last two words. Gwenel on the other hand did.
And soon there was also a bundle of Fluorescent Pink in his arms as well. "Haldir, I would bind myself to thee now, if you were not destined the destiny that you are like, destined!" Haldir, having enough unceremoniously dropped both bundles on the ground.
Haldir then turned to Aragorn and bowed a little, "We are proud to fight alongside men once more."
LATER, ON THE WALL
Eadocce stood, much to his discontent, next to Haldir, on the left, while the bundle of fluorescence stood, again much to his discontent, on his right. They were both whispering frantically about the weak points in the armor and the hot elf ass that surrounded them.
He spoke gruffly to both girls, "Refrain, ye women, from grabbing my rear, for it will send my arrows askew. Second, refrain, ye MARY SUES from telling me, the great Warden from LOTHLORIEN, how to kill an orc."
"Haly-poo, did you forget your love for me so easily?" Eadocce said, lowering her bow to stroke Haldir's arm. He stiffened, in stance that is, and ignored her. Then he thought better of it.
"I will make you a deal, ye Sues. I will take both of you, together, endlessly, if you refrain from touching me, or hindering my aim. And you refrain from your senseless chatter." Eadocce's eyes grew wide.
"Both?" she murmured, dazed.
"Yes." Came the curt answer.
"Endlessly?" Gwenel gasped.
"I am March Warden of Lorien, and I am elf kind." Both girls looked him over and blushed deeply.
"Then it is settled Sister Sue?" Eadocce said, coming out of her daze.
"We will not let him die!" Gwenel said as Haldir rolled his eyes.
Suddenly arrows were let loose and Haldir smirked as his arrow landed true.
The battle ensued for hours as Man, Orc and Elf fell. Haldir was beginning to worry about his promise to the girls. He really didn't want to take them… anywhere, let alone endlessly. But an elf must be true to his word. He had hoped that something ill would befall them, so that he didn't have to disgrace himself with them, but they fought close by him vigilantly.
Panic started to rise in his stomach as he imagined those two in his bed. Two Sues! TWO!
Not one sue, but two! He groaned as he heard Aragorn call for him to fall into the keep. And fall he did. All the way down the damn stairs. Then he felt himself being picked up and dragged into the keep. By a Pink and White. Eadocce smashed him up against a wall, as he looked down at her bewildered. She gave him a deep kiss, and then rushed off. He was just about to spit, when a bundle of pink attacked him. She also gave him a deep kiss… and grabbed him in a few… erhm, places. (poor elf, Haldir if you ever see this you will want to die. I'm sorry.)
He yelled and lost all sanity. Aragorn watched as Haldir ran up the stairs out of the keep, with a war cry on his lips. He slashed orcs and goblins, Urak and troll as he made his way back to the wall, to aid his army. When he had finally reached the wall, he realized that the Sues were coming. He slashed as quickly as he could and in his pain, he didn't see the orc behind him. As soon as the Orc cut through Haldir's shoulder the Elf turned about him and slashed it. Leaving again his back uncovered. Another orc came behind him to finish the job, but in its glee, did not see Eadocce standing behind it. But late was her stroke, because the orc blade had already crashed into the Elf. He fell, into Gwenel's awaiting arms, and fear caught hold of the Elf, as he was powerless to change the direction he fell. But as pain cut through his body, he closed his eyes and prayed the Valar take him.
AFTER THE BATTLE
Eadocce stood in the healing hall talking quietly to Gwenel.
"That didn't happen like in the movie." Eadocce said
"Like it wouldn't have, cause, like we are here." G
"Yes, but like, we had already won the battle long before Gandalf returned." E
"Yea, like not cool. Gandalf was like, supposed to save the day." G
"Haldir lives." Sighed Eadocce. A sparkle came to Gwenel's eyes. "I saw him first, its not fair." Eadocce protested.
"I like saved him from his fall." Gwenel smiled.
"He promised he'd take both of us." Eadocce said sadly.
"Yes, but like, his spine has been, um like… broken." Gwenel mumbled
--
Over at the bed that Haldir lay in he slowly opened his eyes. He blinked a few times until Aragorn came into view.
"I live?" he gasped. He automatically commanded his body to get up and run away but realized that he only caused himself pain. Severe, horrible pain. He growled and lay still as Aragorn put his hand on his shoulder to stay his friend.
"You have taken quite the beating my friend." Aragorn said looking at his friend.
"I must escape! I must leave, before… THEY find me. Help me Elessar, help me my friend, and I shall forever be in your debt. After the Lord and Lady sail west here I shall stay to serve you faithfully! Please!" Haldir gasped.
Aragorn laughed, "I heard of a little promise you made to the Sues. You know Eadocce is mine, do you not?"
"Yes! And I do not wish to take her from you! Keep her, just let me escape, I only said those words in haste, because I wanted them to be silent." Haldir fought back the pain in his body to sputter out the last sentence.
"Yes, I will tell them that you are otherwise… incapable of performing… your, um… duties." Aragorn laughed.
"Aragorn, they will not…Oh Eru! They are coming!" Haldir frantically tried to move, only to send rasps of pain through his body.
Gwenel rushed to his side and put her arm on his broad chest. "Haldir! Do not, like, move!" she gasped as pain darted through his eyes. He desperately tried to move his hand to deflect her touch and then gave up. Eadocce came to his other side and placed a hand on his forehead, stroking his hair away from his face.
"Like, we have decided something that may upset you." She said in hushed tones.
Gwenel nodded fiercely, running her hand up and down his chest.
"Haldir, my love, you are, like,hurt." Eadocce said plainly.
"Yes, and that means that you won't really be able to make me like,happy." Gwenel said. "But Legolas…" she smiled, looking around for him.
"Me either Haldir." Eadocce said, looking down at the stunned March Warden.
"I- I will not be able to m-make you h-h-happy?" he questioned in bewilderment.
Gwenel kissed his forehead and walked away, finally spotting her leggy-weggy poo.
Eadocce turned concerned eyes to the elf. "Haldir, don't take it personally, I mean you are a very handsome elf… its just, I would find no pleasure in…" her voice trailed off as his mouth dropped open. She looked at him expectantly, and he looked at her aghast.
"Its okay to let out your feelings Haldir…" she whispered.
"Feelings?" he managed to whisper, his throat closing up in happiness. Then the March Warden burst into fake sobs.
"Rejected!" he sobbed, "Whatever shall I do now! I will die of a broken heart, fair maiden!" he sniffled closing his eyes. When he felt her hand move, he thought her to have left him, and slowly opened one eye to look to see if it was safe. But there she stood, still. "Oh Eru! I am a disgrace to Elves everywhere!" he fake sobbed.
It was then that Eadocce took pity on the elf and leaned in and kissed him. He endured the kiss and then she whispered, "You will one day find a nice elf girl who will love you and your… disabilities." And with that she was gone.
He turned his head to the side and spit out her… um… spit. And relief washed over him. Aragorn fell to the floor laughing and Haldir smiled.
"Ha! You got rejected!" Aragorn teased.
"Aye, now the annoying ones will hover about you and Legolas. Poor Prince, he will stand no chance, for he is young and tender." With that Haldir fell into recovery sleep.
A/N: Poor Hal… I couldn't kill him. I did worse! He would have died an honorable death, but noooooooooooooooooo… I had to do this to him. Well this one wasn't as funny, but it had some amusing moments!