Elfluver13- Have no fear my dear Haldir will be appearing here! Thanks so much for reviewing… I look forward to your reviews!
Sweetblonde13- I hope I didn't disappoint you with that last chapter! I hope you enjoy this one.
All other Reviewers and Shadow Readers- Thanks so much for reading, Please Review!
here's a nice long one fer ya!
CHAPTER WARNING: Elves will be seduced, Men will be made fun of, lines will be distorted, Sues will die, and havoc will arise, if you are sensitive to laughing maniacally, then please, STOP NOW!
The White City was in for a treat, and in for a treat it was indeed. Haldir was walking down one of the hallways with a very satisfied grin on his face. He was very excited about the plan that they so ironically called The Move V and was on his way now to the kitchens to pull a few bottles of wine, miruvor, rum, ale, and malt beers to bring up to the coronation of King Elessar.
A silky hand reached out from a room a pulled him in. He gasped for the second before the door closed behind him and a bundle of white silk assaulted him. She stood on her tip-toes and pushed him against the door and bit her lower lip suggestively. He gasped as her Victoria Secret Love Spell scent assaulted his elven senses and she snaked her arms around his neck, pulling him into a deep kiss.
Haldir, his heart clutched with fear, tried fervently to push her away, but as he struggled she held tighter to his person. He was an elf, and could have easily flung her across the room, but being the gentle, well-bred elf that he was, he couldn't.
She sighed and looked into his eyes with a desire that frightened him down to the core.
"N-now you listen Mary Sue! You will stop these foolish advances on me! Now!" he ordered, putting his March Warden face on.
"Oh, snooky-poo! You like, look so cute when you're mad!" she giggled and then began to tug on his tunic. He gasped as she started to unbutton it, and his quick thinking saved him.
"Eadocce…" he began, his voice laced with fake desire. She murmured and looked up at him and smiled.
"Call me Mary… Like, Mary Sue." He nodded curtly.
"Listen, Mary Sue. I want you to get on that bed right now, and undress for me. I want to watch you do it. I will stand here, so… that… I… can get a better view. Yes, that's it; I will see you better from this vantage point." He blushed, sorta.
And she blushed… a lot. Then she snaked her hands around his neck and kissed him again. He had to struggle not to throw her down and smash her skull in with his boot, but then the witch had removed her hands and was running them up and down his leggings. He gasped at her boldness, and she blushed. He firmly placed a hand on her shoulder, turned her around and told her to go to the bed. She hesitated, as he inched his hand to the door knob and then she turned around.
He lost his wits for a moment and she noticed his hands on the door knob and anger flashed in her eyes. Haldir grabbed her and crushed his lips against hers, and kissed her long and deep. Then he picked her up and cringed as he undid the buttons on her dress and dropped her on the bed.
"Undress!" he commanded. As soon as she pulled the dress over her eyes he made for the door and bolted out of the room.
Fear seized his heart and made his legs heavy as he ran down the corridors to the kitchen, and a wave of sickness hit him. As he stormed into the kitchen he looked pale and Arwen turned, carrying more bottles of drink and looked at him.
"Haldir, what ails you?" She questioned as he grabbed his stomach keeled over and threw up. When he was finished Arwen stood in front of him, looking afraid for her friend.
"Haldir, Elves do not catch illness, have you forsaken your immortality?" She questioned concern lacing her voice.
He gasped a little, drawing in fresh air and then looked around him with fear in his eyes, then quickly shut the door and the windows and drew the blinds.
"Arwen! She is after me! She… tried to seduce me! With some Valar awful fragrance and I, I saw her… naked." Haldir's eyes grew wide as he shook. Arwen, who knew how poor Haldir felt, having heard the two times this girl was after him, rushed over to her friend and pulled him into a hug.
"It's alright my dear. It's almost over. It'll be only a few more hours my friend." Haldir put his head on Arwen's shoulder and nodded.
"Aye, if she does not fall by my sword first." He said.
"No Haldir, it cannot be so. She cannot be killed any craft we here possess, she will have to die the only way Mary Sues can die." Haldir looked Arwen in the eyes and then nodded.
"Alright, let me help with the drinks." He picked up two barrels of Malt Beer and pulled them up his shoulders. Arwen placed her hand on the door and then fear struck his heart once more. "Arwen! Please, look if it is clear, I do not wish to be pulled into any rooms." Arwen smiled and stuck her head out of the door looking both ways, and then turned nodding to her stricken friend.
--
Merry, Pippin, Sam and Frodo walked down the corridor holding heavy ropes and pulled them up to the main court yard where Aragorn was to be crowned. Legolas stood there waiting their arrival with his eyes shining.
As Gimli approached him Legolas smiled. "It will be good, to rid ourselves from this, Mary Sue." Legolas said as he folded his arms over his chest. Gimli looked up at him and smiled.
"Ah! Here come the hobbits!" Gimli called.
Frodo handed Legolas the end of the massive rope, to which Legolas tied one of his arrows. He aimed it at the far side wall, laughing. His aim was true and he smiled and the rope shot forward with the arrow. He then took the middle of the rope tied it to another arrow and shot it straight ahead of him. His eyes lit up as the arrow landed and the rope shot forth again.
Sam handed him the end of the rope and again Legolas tied it to an arrow and shot it but this time to the wall that was on his left. The hobbits, the Elf and the Dwarf looked at each other and grinned.
Altogether they said, "The Move V." And then they turned to walk into the halls of the White City.
--
Aragorn sat in the tub, relaxed his eyes closed, his mind going over what had happened over the last 13 months. It was really life changing. He would have never thought that this would have happened, though he had hoped for it.
Suddenly the door opened and quickly closed. Aragorn remained silent, eyes closed, seemingly unbothered by the intruder. In fact he thought it was Arwen when two silky hands snaked their way down his chest and two soft lips rained kisses down his neck. But the voice that spoke was not that soft, musical voice of Arwen, 'twas the nasal, crude voice of the Sue! And she hand her hands in places, which, well, aren't appropriate to mention in a K+ rated fanfic. But he didn't know that. Mary Sue did though.
"Gorny, I love you. We are madly in love, take me now!" She whispered.
"GET YOUR HANDS OFF OF MY ----"
"BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!" Mary Sue screamed.
"Sorry Gorny, this is like, a K+ rated fanfic, we have to like, keep the language suitable for children of all ages." She finished off.
He sank back into the water his legs now closed, and put his arm over his eyes, "Mary Sue, don't you love Haldir? I hear he is looking for a beautiful elleth to marry and take to Valinor with him, could you not occupy yourself with winning his affections?" He suggested.
"Haldir? Yes, but, like, not if I can have you Gorny." She whispered, biting his earlobe. He shuddered, remember the plan and then smiled.
"He told me he thought you were beautiful." Aragorn lied.
"Like, he did?" Mary Sue said, eyes wide.
"Yes." Aragorn said helpfully, his arm still over his eyes, and his legs still shut tightly.
"He was going to make love to me this morning, but he ran out. I like, don't know why. Do you like, happen to know where he got?" She asked sweetly.
"No."
"Ah. Well, then have a happy life for Arwen, but know this Aragorn son of Arathorn!" She stood up and turned to him, towering over the man in the tub, "Never shall I warm your bed if you bed that! That ELF WHORE!" And she stormed out.
Aragorn sank back in the tub and let his head slide under water. The door opened again and he groaned. This time two silky, pure white hands pulled him out from under the water and looked him in the eyes. He smiled.
"Arwen." He said as she smiled shyly.
"What where you doing with your head under water like that Estel?" She sang.
"Washing away the filth of Sauron." He smiled and she smiled, and then he pulled her into the tub, dress on and all and kissed her.
"You just ruined a very nice dress!" she said, and smiled.
"Well, now that it's ruined, maybe you can do away with it, we have some business to attend to…" He breathed into her ear as she giggled.
--Exit Stage Right—
Gandalf stood in the hall of the stewards looking at the throne that Denethor sat on not too long ago. Of course, he wasn't looking at the seat, more so the elf who was on the ground before him.
Haldir was throwing up again, from an escapade with Mary Sue again. "And then! She chased me into the broom closet! And Gandalf, my eyes! THEY BURN!" He threw up again, and sat down his head in his hands.
Celeborn walked up to Gandalf and put an arm over his shoulder. "Maybe Mithrandir we should have not used Haldir as bait. I am afraid my March Warden will be driven insane."
Galadriel glided over to Haldir and pulled him up into an embrace. "Haldir, all is not lost. Soon you will taste the freedom to which you rightfully deserve my beloved March Warden."
Haldir looked around as the room began to fill. Aragorn, Gimli, Legolas, Arwen, Elrond, Rumil, Orophin, the hobbits, Elrohir, Elladan and a few elleths filled in the walls of the Stewards room.
Legolas walked over to his friend and put an arm on his shoulder. "Fear not stout Commander of the Galadhrim. Soon." He said with a laugh in his eyes.
Gandalf turned around and raised his hands to silence everyone. Eowyn and Faramir rushed in looking disheveled and giggly. Eomer followed soon there after with a slight elf woman holding his arm. Gandalf perked an eyebrow at this and then turned once more to the room.
"Everyone has their lines, yes?" furious nods.
"Good, memorize them! Let us go now, we must crown the king!" Everyone left save for Gimli, Gandalf, Aragorn and Haldir.
Haldir was tip-toeing behind the throne, trying to sneak away. Gandalf caught him.
"HALDIR COMMANDER OF THE GALADHRIM!" he bellowed, and then in a nicer tone, "You have faced down orcs, wargs, urak-hai, and many a clingy elleth! Why do you now recoil from a girl who is but a child?" Haldir turned disbelieving eyes onto Gandalf.
"CHILD!" he moaned in agony, "Tell me Mithrandir, what kind of child touches and elf in such a… a… intimate way, in… in a BROOM CLOSET!" he shouted, shaking, as veins showed in the distraught elf's neck.
"SHE'S TRYING TO TAKE ME AGAINST MY WILL!"
"Haldir, you are bait." Aragorn said simply, "You agreed to do this." Haldir went white at this.
"Agreed!" he gasped, "MORE LIKE AN 'IF YOU DON'T DO THIS WE WILL CONVIENTLY FORGET TO TAKE YOU ON THE LAST GREY SHIP!' BAH!"
Aragorn stepped closer to him and put an arm around his shoulder. "Maybe you should take a few drinks, to calm your nerve a little. I hear the rum is fine." Haldir nodded and walked out mumbling something about the 'grace of the vala' and 'elves shouldn't have to deal with this' and 'I'd rather stab myself with an orc blade'. Aragorn shook his head.
"Poor Lad!" Gimli said, shaking his head.
--
Haldir stood at the table with drinks on it and put down his 12th glass of rum. He belched loud and then laughed.
"Elves aren't supposed to belch! But I did! NEHEHEHEH!" He was drunk, very drunk.
He went to pick up another glass but found it empty. He looked into the glass, lifting it upside down and looking into it and when nothing came out he threw it over his shoulder.
A few feet away Gandalf was placing the crown on top of Elessar's head, and the glass flew and hit Gandalf in the head. He looked to where the glass came from and saw a drunk Haldir staggering about the table. He shook his head and turned back to Elessar.
Giving up on the glasses Haldir picked up a bottle of rum and took a long swig. He turned around and staggered toward Elessar who was now talking, Haldir couldn't really hear him, he had something of this own to say.
As he walked to the clearing he stood in front of the King and smiled a lopsided, drunk grin.
"King! Elassah." Haldir said and bobbed his head around. "How manyah names doya hafta have?" Haldir threw his hands in the air and spilled some rum in his hair. He looked confused for a second and lowered his hands and looked up into the sky.
"Loosh like its raynan!" Haldir said as he swayed forward, then back. "Tell me! Elassah, Eshtel, AraGORNY! STA -RIDER!" He really never got to finish his sentence, poor Haldir.
Mary Sue flew out of the crowd like a warg after its prey. In that exact minute, several things happened. Haldir turned around, a look of shock on his face, and made to run. But first he took a swig of some rum, and fell over, tripping on his feet. Mary Sue dashed for Haldir but out of the crowd ran two little hobbits with a short elven rope in their hands.
"1, 2, 3 PULL!" yelled Frodo and they pulled the rope taut. Mary Sue fell face forward on top of Haldir.
He looked up, bewildered as she looking angry at the hobbits pulled the bottle of rum from his hands.
"Like, give me that! Like, you are a respectable Elf! What are you like, doing!" she yelled.
"Where's the RUM!" Haldir yelled.
"It's like, gone bye-bye!" she yelled back, "Now, come back to my room and finish what you started this morning!"
She was hoisted up by two sets of arms, one being Legolas the other being Gimli and the crowds disbursed into the city. Haldir was hoisted up by Eowyn and Arwen and they dragged him towards the steps. He shook his fist frantically and started shouting.
"GONE? BUT WHY'S THE RUM GONE!" He yelled. Arwen shushed him as Legolas and Gimli threw Mary Sue against the ropes they had fastened to the wall. She screamed.
Legolas looked at her and then backed away. The hobbits charged at her with the war cry, "SHIRE!" and they pounced on her.
"Get her Merry! Take her feet out from under her!" Pippin yelled as he bit her ear.
"Hit 'er harder Mister Frodo!" Yelled Sam as he smacked her across the head with a pan.
That when Gandalf joined the fun, "Mary Sue! Your hair had split ends!" And he waved his staff and Mary Sue shrieked.
"Like, NO! I use PANTENE PRO V!" She yelled as Legolas and Gimli charged next ripping her gown, but enough to keep her descent. Haldir wanted in on the action too, he stood up and staggered over to her looking very angry and when he got to her with a look of malice he stopped.
"I'll show you!" He yelled as he lowered his leggings.
"NO HALDIR!" came the shouts, but it was too late. Haldir threw his head back and began to pee, all over Mary Sue. She shrieked louder as the relieved himself with an "Ah, that was good." And then staggered away, to the horror of all.
Galadriel next stepped in and lifted the girl up in the air, now smelling of Haldir-Pee, and looked at her, "TELL ME MARY SUE! WHAT IS MY LINE FROM THE MOVE V?"
Mary Sue gasped in horror, "Like what are you doing here! Like you don't go to the coronation!"
Celeborn grabbed her from his wife and lifted her higher yet, "I'LL SHOW YOU TO CUT ME OFF WHEN I'M TALKING" as he slapped her.
Mary Sue screamed again. "LIKE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE! AHHHHH!"
Haldir staggered back over to her and started to relieve himself again saying, "I am the MARCH WARDEN, and I HAVE TO PEE!" then he staggered away again. Aragorn looked at the amused elf, and laughed.
Mary Sue was reduced to tears. She begged everyone to stop attacking her, and most of all Haldir to stop relieving himself on her.
Laughter erupted as everyone began to point at Mary Sue and Arwen walked out of one of the corridors with a Mirror. She brought the Mirror up to Mary Sue and smiled, "Will you look?" Mary Sue nodded and walked up to the mirror.
"Mirror, Mirror in Arwen's Arms, tell me who is the fairest of them all?" Mary Sue asked, as Haldir sauntered over to her again. She started shrieking and running around trying to dodge the elf. But she tripped on Celeborn's foot and Haldir started relieving himself again.
She cried as she ran back to the mirror and then the mirror answered her. Well at least Mary Sue thought it answered her. In reality it was Arwen, who stood behind the Mirror.
"The Most Fairest of Them All… Is Galadriel Lady of Light!" The Mirror yelled. Mary Sue turned to Galadriel and then saw Haldir making his way over to her again. She shrieked so loud that the cry was heard all over Middle Earth. As Haldir closed the distance between him and Mary Sue she screamed and ran to the top of the wall. Haldir followed, and when he realized he couldn't aim that high he relieved himself by the wall, Mary Sue turned around and looked at everyone.
"Like, this is not over, I'LL BE BACK!" and she jumped. Everyone ran over to the wall to see Mary Sue crash into the ground and DIE! Then a portal opened around her and opened up sucking her in. Everyone let out a sigh of relief.
"It seems to me that the Mary Sues have returned to their distant lands, for I no longer see them on this plain." Elrond said, with much authority. And so the festivities began, 3 days for the coronation of the New King Elessar, and the Wedding of the King to the beautiful Arwen of Imladris.
A/N: This is the second to last chapter! Next chapter we will leave Middle Earth and Enter Earth to see how the Mary Sue's feel about their trip to M.E.
DISCLAIMER: I do NOT own Lord of the Rings, I also do NOT own any concepts stolen from POTC, Snow White, Victoria's Secret, the Pink Panther, Pantene Pro V or the Terminator. I do however own all copyrights to the MOVE V, and the MOVE V MANUAVER... PLEASE ENJOY!