Disclaimer: Hi, hi, hi! I'm back! Before we begin the chapter, let me just remind you all that I do not have a movie based on one of my stories. Therefore, I am not Veronica Roth, the rightful owner of Divergent.
A/N: Finally, the cliff-hanger is resolved! I don't think you guys want to hear about my personal life right now, not with the upcoming showdown, so I'll skip all that. On to the chapter!
His eyes continue boring into mine, as he takes one more step.
He's staring at my trembling form, hands already hovering at his waist.
Then another.
Searing pain goes through my back.
A third.
A glint of metal, at my neck.
In my peripheral vision, I can see his mouth. It's twisted into a smirk.
His sneer, taunting me.
A damn smirk.
"You will learn respect, Camilla."
With the fourth step, my body finally kicks in for my non-functioning mind.
I bolt.
I know that it's just my fight-or-flight instinct kicking in, that my body is acting out of fear.
But, somehow, through the fog that has invaded my head, I'm also able to recognize that it's a smart move. Marcus can't run through the compound without a reason, as the leader of Abnegation. And that reason better be pretty damn good; running after a child who is running away from you probably won't qualify.
But I push all of that out of my head and focus on getting as far away from that man, that monster, as possible.
My feet automatically guide me to the edge of the Pit, all while dodging people left and right, where Dauntless' labyrinth of hallways begins. He'll have a harder time finding me in the hallways than in the open Pit.
Suddenly, I feel myself crash into something hard. I would call it a wall, except I know I'm in the middle of the Pit right now. I stumble backwards.
Once I stabilize myself, I look up, apologies on my lips, body ready to take off again.
But instead of a stranger's, my eyes meet dark blue ones. Familiar dark blue ones.
I reel backwards, panicked, but he reaches out and catches my wrist. I immediately begin to struggle.
"Let go of me!" I yank my wrist hard, and, surprisingly, he lets me go. Marcus wouldn't let me go that easily.
"Cam, what's wrong?"
I look up again, but this time, I register the soft, worried gleam in these dark blue eyes. My vision expands to his mouth, which is turned downwards, his hair, longer than any Abnegation man's, and the black ink curling around his shoulders.
I fling myself at my brother. All I know is that I need him to hug me, to hold me tight like he did when I was nine and would wake up screaming because of my nightmares.
"Tobias." His name is the only word I can get out. "Tobias."
His arms come around me, but gently, hesitantly. I tighten my grip around his torso, hoping he holds me tighter, like I need him to right now.
"Cam." His breath tickles my ear. "We can't. We're in the middle of the Pit."
And suddenly, the circumstances we are in come pouring back into my brain, finding a space between the fear that seems to have pushed everything else out.
I let go of him and let my hands drop to my sides. "Sorry."
"No, don't be." He grabs my hand, pulling me towards the nearest hallway, where I was initially headed.
How could I ever mistake him for Marcus?
His hand is more calloused than Marcus', because of all the weaponry and fighting the Dauntless do, I assume, but they are still gentler than Marcus' ever were.
And he wasn't gripping my wrist hard, even when he grabbed it, which was why I was able to get out of his hold so easily.
Guilt roils in my stomach, but it is temporarily overwhelmed by the fear that, although somewhat drained, still lingers in my head.
Once we are safe, around the corner of the hallway, out of sight from the Pit, he turns around, crouching so he is at eye level with me.
"Now, let me ask again; what's wrong, Cam?"
"Marcus." That one word is enough to make Tobias' eyes widen. "He's here. In the Pit. He saw me. He was coming for me. He was coming and he was smirking and he-"
Tobias cuts off my panicked rambling by gently placing his hand over my mouth. I can tell he's scared - his jaw is clenched and his eyes are as wide as saucers. But, somehow, he manages to keep himself under control.
Better than I'm doing right now.
"Shhh. Calm down, Cam. I promise, he won't get you. He won't do anything to you, I promise."
I give him the smallest of nods, and he removes his hand from over my mouth.
I trust my brother. He will protect me, just like I'll protect him.
I shouldn't need his protection, though. I shouldn't be freaking out just because I saw him in the compound. His mental hold on me shouldn't be so strong.
I thought that once I escaped him, I would be free.
But now, I wonder, will I ever be?
"Shit, shit, shit… why is he here? Why now?" Tobias mumbles to himself.
"I don't know." I take a deep breath, trying to gather my wits. "But he saw me. We should go deeper into the hallways. He won't be able to navigate them."
Tobias nods. "Yeah. We can go to my apartment." He straightens.
"Sounds good."
"Let's go."
"Go where?" A low, menacing, hauntingly familiar voice interrupts our conversation, and we both freeze in our tracks.
I turn my head to see him - the man that still haunts my dreams, and subconsciously my waking hours - standing at the corner of the hallway. His stance is relaxed, but positioned so he stands between us and the Pit, and not by accident. I swallow hard.
He's trying to say there's no way out.
Tobias finally moves, taking another step in the opposite direction.
Marcus tsks, the sound like gunshots in my ears. "Don't walk away from me, son." Tobias flinches at the title.
"Don't call me that." Tobias bites back. "My name is Four to you."
His eyes flare. "It seems you have forgotten the manners that I taught you both." He turns his cold gaze onto me, and I suppress the urge to shiver. "Camilla, do you need another lesson as well?"
His words echo in my brain.
"It's time you learned a lesson."
"Camilla, you need to stop being such a bad girl."
"I see you haven't learned at all."
It's the flash of movement in front of me that snaps me out of it.
Tobias has moved in front of me, so I can't see Marcus at all. "Nobody is getting any lessons today." His voice is steely, but the waver in it is obvious to me. If I can hear it so clearly, Marcus may be able to as well.
I move slightly, so my head and side poke out from behind Tobias' body. I appreciate him protecting me, but if the worst comes to worse, and Marcus attacks him, I need to be able to see him, so I can help.
Marcus narrows his eyes at Tobias. "That's no way to talk to your father."
"And I told you already." Tobias replies through gritted teeth. "Faction before Blood. We didn't stay in Abnegation, so leave us alone."
Marcus' eyes turn to slits, and his next words are almost spit out. "Yes. Despite the warnings I gave the both of you, both of you left."
His threatening face abruptly morphs into a grin that I can only describe as sadistic. "Tobias, you really didn't think your decision through." He shakes his head in mock sadness, and the bad feeling in my stomach multiplies. "Of course, I couldn't touch you in your new faction, but I think you know who paid for it."
Two gazes turn to me; Marcus' smirking one, and Tobias' horrified one.
I feel sick to my stomach.
His voice won't stop bouncing around in my head, sounding over and over again, taunting me. When I blink, I'm not in the halls of Dauntless anymore; I'm in my room, kneeling in front of Marcus, waiting to be punished, staring up at his sneering face-
Why won't he leave my head?
In a strange, detached way, I register that my breathing is getting shallower, and beads of sweat are beginning to form on my forehead. I'm also aware of the heated stares of Marcus and Tobias, burning holes into me more effectively than a laser, although I feel them more than I see them.
I need to calm down. Logically, I know that I'm in the Dauntless compound, surrounded by hundreds of people trained in combat, who can help us if Marcus somehow overwhelms Tobias, the Dauntless prodigy, and me, someone who, although still in initiation, has received more proper combat training than Marcus.
Physically, the two of us are more than a match for Marcus.
But mentally?
We're both losing.
And that's the point of his visit, isn't it? Marcus knows very well that he can't torment us with his belts and fists anymore, not with the surveillance, not with the numerous people around, not with our training.
But he knows he can haunt us. He walked into the compound and found us, just to remind us that he still exists, to make sure we know he's in our home, to fixate himself in our brains as a nightmare we won't escape, not for many years, not until he's dead.
He wants to remind us how weak we were in that house. We were boxed in, with no way to fight back.
The key word is were. We were weaker than him.
Not anymore.
First step. Calm down, Cammi.
I attempt to take one long, deep breath, to break the cycle of short, gasping breaths that I've fallen into. I blink, and my vision clears enough so I can again see Marcus, with that same sly smile still plastered on his face.
The voices are back. But this time, they're my own. The desperate cries lure me back into their embrace.
"Stop! Stop, Marcus, please!"
"Leave him alone!"
"Don't do this!"
No.
You have to calm down. Calm down. Block it out. He won't hurt you. Calm down.
I grit my teeth, and force myself to blink again and block out his voice in my head. Marcus appears in my vision again, as does Tobias.
"Why does he hurt us, Toby? Why?"
They're still watching me. No.
I can't fall apart, not here, not now. Not with both of their eyes on me.
I can't leave Tobias alone to deal with one of our worst nightmares.
I look at Marcus again. The memories of every bit of pain he has inflicted instantly tries to flood my brain again.
But I clench my fists and push them back.
Once my breathing is under control, I straighten up a little, and glare at Marcus.
You're stronger than him. He can't beat you anymore.
"You know, Marcus," I reach far inside of me, trying to grasp every scrap of courage I have. Because what I'm going to say is going to make him extremely mad, no doubt.
Too late to back down now.
"You're a real idiot."
Marcus definitely wasn't expecting that. His smirk drops off his face, leaving only surprise behind. He quickly composes his face into one of burning anger, the type we would receive if we ever embarrassed him in front of, well, anyone.
But I caught the moment of raw shock on his face, and it makes my lips curl into a small smirk. And I can tell Tobias caught it too, because his eyes, although still containing some terror on my behalf, sparkle with amusement, and, dare I say, pride.
I can't believe it. I just called Marcus an idiot.
Wherever this courage is coming from, it needs to keep coming for a little while longer.
Marcus positively snarls, and somehow, it doesn't seem as scary as it used to be, back in Abnegation. "Have you forgotten everything I taught you?"
"Taught is a strong word." I retort. My voice is still mine, but I don't recognize it. Because the Camilla I know wouldn't be talking back to Marcus, not unless she was ready to plan her own funeral.
But here I am. Doing just that. "Yes, I may have paid the price for Tobias leaving," Out of the corner of my eye, I can see Tobias' face crumple in guilt.
My brother shouldn't feel guilty, not when he did nothing wrong. But, because of Marcus, he is feeling guilty.
It just fuels me on. "But guess what? It was a small price to pay. Only a single year. And now," I gesture to the stone halls. "We're free. We're together. We're Dauntless. And you can never touch us again."
Marcus' jaw had been tightening, little by little, throughout my entire little monologue. And once the last word leaves my mouth, he explodes.
As he lunges for me, I freeze. I may have gathered the courage to talk back to him, but actually fighting back?
The one and only time I did that in Abnegation, I was about ten. It was just a weak punch, not even bruising him. I ended the night basically paralyzed, the beating much more brutal than ever before. I had to spend the next week at home, healing from a "bad fall" down the stairs.
Now, I'm older and stronger. But there's a part of me that's still ten, peering fearfully up into the eyes of my enraged father, waiting for the hit to come.
It's that part of me that makes me immobile, unable to move. I can't breathe, there are too many memories-
"This is a special occasion, Camilla."
"Stop! Don't do this, please!"
"This is for your own good."
Before he can collide with me, someone - I can't make them out with my blurry vision, but it's probably Tobias - catches him by the shoulders. I blink a few times to clear my vision, desperately trying to push the memories back into their little compartment, and watch Tobias hold Marcus against the wall, by his neck. He isn't squeezing hard enough to choke him, but just hard enough that Marcus has to gasp for air.
His jaw is clenched harshly, and he's glaring at Marcus with an intensity I've never seen before. He is clearly very pissed.
"If you ever even try to lay a hand on her again," Tobias hisses at Marcus. "I will make sure to make your life hell, just like you did to ours."
Marcus flinches at the threat, his expression showing some fear for once. The role reversal is pretty satisfying; for once, he is cowering before us, like we did before him for so many years.
But the moment ends far too soon. The fear is quickly masked by anger, although it lingers in his eyes. "I made you both better." He spits. "And what do you do? Run away and join these hellions."
Marcus shoves Tobias away roughly, causing Tobias to lose his already pretty loose grip on Marcus' neck. "You were always weak. Too soft to survive in such a brutal world. Like mother, like son, I suppose." Marcus shakes his head in mock sadness.
I feel an ugly, unbridled rage start bubbling up in my throat. Before I can think it through, my steely voice sounds in the tension-filled hall. "Don't insult our mother like that."
Marcus' attention turns to me. "She deserves it. She left you guys, didn't she?" He growls.
My fists clench. "Not by choice. You… your beatings killed her."
It is at that moment I realize I made a huge mistake.
Because as soon as those words come out of my mouth, I see something in Marcus' eyes snap.
He doesn't lunge for me, like he did before; instead, he stalks forward, slowly, each step controlled.
Tobias can obviously tell that something is wrong, too, because he steps closer, until he is only about two steps behind me.
Marcus stops about three feet away from me, and makes eye contact.
In Abnegation, he always taught us to keep our eyes down, to not stare. Making eye contact with your superiors when they weren't addressing you was rude, he said, and he made sure we were punished for it.
For years, I didn't meet his gaze, and if I did, not for long.
Today, I do.
"You insolent girl." He snarls, still holding my gaze. "You never learned anything from my lessons, did you?"
I stay silent.
"Well, that changes… now."
And I barely see his arm twitch before his fist hits me on the nose.
Pain explodes across my face. I cry out, stumbling backwards, trying to recover from the unexpected hit.
I was foolish. I thought that he wouldn't be brave enough to attack us, not in a different faction's headquarters, not on Visiting Day. But he just did.
I look up in time to see Tobias step forward, an even greater rage than before dawning on his features.
But that's not what catches my attention. What does is a tall, familiar male figure, standing at the end of the hall, watching us.
A second later, a voice cuts through the hallway, making all three of us freeze in our tracks.
"What is going on here?"
The figure steps forward, and it takes me an embarrassingly long time to realize that he was the one that spoke.
The light of the closest lantern finally illuminates his face, and I inhale sharply.
Rowan.
My breath is stolen from my lungs.
Rowan. My fellow initiate. My teammate. My friend.
Rowan isn't an idiot. And the article, about me and why I transferred to Dauntless, has probably been read by the majority of the city. It doesn't take a genius to figure out that the rumors are true. There's no other explanation for why I would be standing in front of the Abnegation leader, with a broken, bleeding nose.
But will he connect the dots about Tobias? Or will he dismiss it as the initiation instructor trying to diffuse the situation?
What if he doesn't want to be my friend anymore, after finding out that Cammi, the girl who he saw as brave, for standing up to Zayden, as a leader, for coming up with our Capture the Flag strategy, is just a broken, abused girl running from her problems?
No. I can't think like that right now, not with the situation at hand unfolding. Later. Think about it later.
Marcus immediately plasters his leader-smile on his face, and tries to cover up. "And who are you, young man?"
Rowan glares at him. "It doesn't matter who I am. The real question is, what is an Abnegation leader doing wandering the halls of Dauntless?"
"You see, Camilla here-" He puts a hand on my shoulder. I instantly stiffen, and, in my peripheral vision, I see both Rowan and Tobias stiffen as well. I step away from Marcus, so his hand drops off my shoulder. Marcus sends me a short glare, but, knowing he can't do anything about it, not with Rowan here, continues relaying his twisted version of the story to Rowan. "-is my daughter. I came to visit her, and see how she was doing in Dauntless. She wasn't in the Pit, so I decided to go look for her. Imagine my surprise when I turned the corner and found this guy-" He points to Tobias. "-fighting with her. I broke it up, but not before my daughter's nose got broken."
I push my nails harder into my palms, to the point where if I pressed any harder, I would probably draw blood. How dare he accuse Tobias of hurting me?
Internally, I beg Rowan not to fall under Marcus' charm, like many of the Abnegation do. He knows Tobias; he should know that my brother would never hurt anyone who doesn't provoke him. And he knows me; I wouldn't provoke anyone without reason. Besides, Tobias is my initiation instructor; if he hurt any of us too badly, he'd probably get fired.
I open my mouth, to deny Marcus' story, but Rowan beats me to it. "You know, Mr. Eaton." he starts casually, "I never took you for a liar."
Marcus stiffens at that. Rowan's eyes are narrowed, and he's obviously watching Marcus' every move.
"What makes you say that, boy?"
"Firstly, I was in the Pit for a good part of the day, and can confirm that Cammi was with me for several hours while there. You should have been able to find her easily." Marcus makes a noise in protest, but Rowan doesn't let him speak. "Secondly, that guy is Four, a Dauntless prodigy, as well as transfer initiate instructor. I've known him for a year, and he doesn't attack random people, especially not his initiates." Rowan takes one step forward, then another. "And finally, I saw you punch Cammi, I saw you nearly break her nose. If you deny it again, we can always head up to the control room and check the camera footage. Four, you work there, don't you?"
"Yes." Tobias answers. Marcus throws him a dirty look, before turning back to Rowan. I can see his posture straighten, his muscles tense. He knows he's defeated, and he's getting ready for a fight.
Fortunately, Rowan sees this too. He shifts, subtly, so into a position that I recognize as easier to fight with, if the need arises.
"What are you implying, boy?" This time, the word is spit out like a curse.
Rowan meets his gaze evenly, unafraid. I can't help but admire his courage. I tried doing what he's doing, and ended up with a broken nose, all because I couldn't get over my irrational fear of Marcus. "I'm implying, Mr. Eaton, that you, as the leader of Abnegation, just harassed a member and an initiate of Dauntless, then tried to lie about it. Four and Cammi clearly don't want you here, so leave."
"And if I don't?" Marcus has the audacity to question. "You aren't a leader of Dauntless. You can't make me leave."
Rowan tilts his head. His voice drops to a dangerous tone. "If you don't, Mr. Eaton, we could always head up to the control room now and get that footage on two discs, one of which will go directly to the Dauntless leaders, who, believe me, do not like to be disturbed on Visiting Day. The other would go into the mailbox of the Erudite."
The realization dawns on Marcus' face, and Rowan smirks. "That's right, Mr. Eaton. That footage would get you banned from the compound, as well put on trial by a Candor jury, for assault on a minor. With the video evidence, the odds of getting exonerated aren't good. You'd lose your position as leader of Abnegation. And Erudite would probably take it as a confirmation of the rumors about your abusive tendencies, regardless of whether or not Cammi is your daughter. Long story short, your life would be ruined."
"Are you threatening me?" If Marcus looked ready to explode earlier, he looks like he's already erupted ten times by now. I glance over to Tobias, only to see him standing in the exact same spot as before, watching the proceedings intently. Who knew Rowan could be so intimidating when he wants to be?
"Yes, Mr. Eaton. I am." Marcus' eyebrows seem to disappear into his hairline. "Now, listen carefully. You will leave the compound immediately. And don't come back."
For a moment, Marcus contemplates his options. But I can tell the exact moment that he realizes that he's defeated. His shoulder slump, and he moves to walk past Rowan.
"Have a good day, Mr. Eaton." Marcus glares at Rowan, before extending it to all three of us. Strangely, I don't find myself bothered by his glare, not after Rowan's handling of the situation.
Marcus disappears around the corner, and I feel like I can finally breathe again.
Tobias is at my side in an instant. "Hey." He greets me, his concerned eyes only inches away from my own. "Are you okay?"
Without thinking about it, I wrap my arms around him. "Yeah. You?"
He wraps one arm around my chest in return, and runs the fingers of his other hand through my hair. "Fine. How about we go to my apartment and get your nose wrapped up? I know you're going to say no to going to the infirmary."
I smile. "You know me too well."
I feel Tobias turn his neck towards something - or someone - else.
Towards Rowan.
Rowan isn't supposed to know about our relationship, but he may have put it together already, if not from the situation, then maybe from the intimate hug we just shared.
I spring away from Tobias, missing the comfort already, but hoping to salvage an already disastrous situation.
"Uhhh… hey?" I say weakly.
Rowan is staring at the two of us, the same odd expression on his face that he had when I slipped up in the Pit by mentioning Tobias. Once I speak, he seems to snap out of it. "Hey."
"How much did you see?" I question.
"I turned around the corner in time to see him punch you. Never realized Abnegation's leader was such an ass."
I manage to let out a small giggle at that. Tobias steps forward next, placing a hand on my shoulder. "I guess you want an explanation, then?"
Rowan nods, mouth set in a grim line, much different from the joking, fun boy I've come to know. "Yeah, I'd like to know why I had to threaten the leader of Abnegation, if you don't mind."
Tobias locks eyes with me. His dark blue orbs hold a question. Do you trust him?
Without breaking eye contact, I give him a small nod, barely moving my head.
If I had my way, Rowan wouldn't know about this part of my life, not for at least several more years. But now, we have only two choices; come up with an elaborate lie, or tell the truth.
Despite not knowing each other for very long, I do trust Rowan. Every time I'm near him, joking with him or just talking with him, I feel safe. He makes me feel safe.
I can only hope that the secret we're about to share won't make him run away. He's become a good friend, someone I can laugh with. If he is disgusted by us, by me, if he disappears from my life like my mother, or if he, god forbid, tells someone, I think I would break.
It's a lot of power, and I hope that my judgement of him is correct.
Tobias turns back to Rowan. "Alright. You can come back to my apartment with Cammi and I. We'll explain everything there."
Tobias crouches on the ground in front of the desk, gently treating my nose. Rowan sits on the bed. It's completely silent, except for the sounds of Tobias unwrapping and applying bandages.
Fortunately, my nose didn't require resetting. From experience, I know that the action, without medication, is extremely painful.
Once he's done, he takes a seat on the sofa in the corner. It's the first time I've been to Tobias' apartment - he probably arranged for us to meet at the Chasm every other night because it would be easier for the cameras to spot us both going to his apartment than the Chasm. The apartment is pretty cozy, but plain. The exception is the large words "Fear God Alone", painted in black on the white wall.
The silence is thick, and uncomfortable. The three of us stew in it for a while, until Rowan finally speaks up.
"Okay, so what happened back there? Why did the leader of Abnegation punch you, Cammi? And why were you there, Four?"
"First of all," Tobias leans forward slightly. "You need to promise to keep whatever we tell you tonight in this room. Do you understand?"
"Yes." Rowan replies, without hesitation. "I promise."
"Good." Tobias glances at me. "Do you want to start, Cam, or should I?"
I take a deep breath, hesitant. Trusting someone enough to talk about your most closely-guarded secret and actually talking about it are two different things, and the latter requires much more courage. "I'll start." My voice sounds a little funny, from the pressure the bandages are putting on my nose, but it's audible, so I begin.
"You've probably figured this out by now, but my full name is Camilla Eaton." I gesture to my brother. "And Four's real name is Tobias Eaton."
I pause, watching Rowan's reaction. He doesn't seem surprised at my name, but when I utter Tobias', his mouth drops open.
"Wait… so, he's your brother?"
"Yeah."
He looks back and forth, from Tobias, to me, and back to Tobias. "Actually, now that I know, the resemblance is a lot more noticeable."
Tobias, in that moment, chooses to jump in. "Before you ask, no, our… relation will not affect the rankings. Cammi is still getting ranked on her own merit."
Rowan nods along with Tobias' words. "I know. You're fair, Four, and I don't think that you'd sway the rankings, not even for your sister."
"Anyways." I plow on. "You know the newspaper articles that are released, like, every other week, on Marcus Eaton and us two?" Rowan nods. "Well, the rumors…"
My throat suddenly feels like it's been clogged. No matter how hard I try, I can't seem to get the words of confirmation out.
I guess keeping a secret for sixteen years does that to you.
Tobias, thankfully, notices me struggling, and finishes the statement. "They're true."
Rowan's eyes widen, although not as much as I expected. That alone confirms that Rowan, to at least some extent, suspected what was going on when he walked in on our confrontation with Marcus.
"So, all the stuff about abuse…" He trails off.
I nod, the tightness in my throat easing slightly, now that the secret is out. "Yep."
And Rowan's eyes - always playful, always kind - are suddenly filled with rage.
He jumps up. "Then what the hell was he doing here today?" He starts pacing, rapidly his angry footsteps seeming to carve a path into the carpet. "He hurt the both of you," He points to us, "And he came to visit just so he could do it again?"
I'll admit, this was not the response I expected. I expected pity, and I would have hated it. But anger, on our behalf? This was not what I saw coming.
The only response Tobias gives is a shrug. His face is carefully blank. With nothing else to say, I whisper, "I guess."
Rowan just stares at us for a moment, before he shakes his head. "God, I really wish I had killed Marcus instead of just threatening him."
"You'll have to get in line." Tobias responds, his facade lifting a little, revealing the lingering anger underneath.
Rowan chuckles weakly at that. "I don't mind. If anyone deserves to kill him, it's you two." Rowan's face becomes serious again. "You guys didn't deserve to go through that. Neither of you. And no amount of 'I'm sorry's, from anyone, are going to cut it."
I make eye contact with him, gratitude rising in my chest. He's not going to repeat the same, empty statement that we heard a thousand times at our mother's funeral; 'I'm sorry'. The statement that, if the abuse allegations were proved to be true, we would hear many more times.
The thing about hurting people is, we don't want sorries. We want whoever we lost back with us, whatever happened to us erased from our history. And maybe no person can grant those kinds of wishes, but the standard responses to those kinds of situations, repeated too many times, make it so much worse.
Rowan's next words, so sincere, capture my attention. "Thank you both for trusting me with this. My lips are sealed." He mimes pulling a zipper over his mouth. "And… if either of you need anything, you can come to me."
I stare at Rowan, dumbfounded. He just exceeded all my expectations, when it came to the big reveal. His first reaction wasn't pity, it was anger. And he's willing to help the both of us with any problems that may arise, as well as keeping our secret.
How lucky are Tobias and I, to get found out by a boy who is willing to do so much for us?
I stand up, wordlessly, and engulf Rowan in a hug.
Before long, all three of us have to leave the apartment. Rowan and I head to dinner, while Tobias goes to pick up his food and draw up the rankings.
In a rare occasion, the four Dauntless-borns I've befriended - Chloe, Kian, Juniper, and Rowan - join us for dinner today. Everyone, with the exception of Rowan, who was there, expresses concern over my newly-injured nose. I quickly fabricate a lie - I was wandering the compound, not looking where I was going, and got smacked in the face with a door. Julia looks a little skeptical, but everyone else buys it, teasing me for my supposed absent-mindedness.
All the initiates can talk about at dinner is the stage 1 rankings. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous for the reveal, but I'm not too worried. After all, I won three of my four fights, which, compared to some of the other initiates, is really good. But, still, I try to steer clear of any conversations about the rankings, for the sake of Ethan and Lavender, who look completely wrecked with worry.
After dinner, all of us stroll through the halls together, laughing and chatting, trying to eliminate the stress that has settled over us all, even Juniper and Julia, the favorites for top rank.
Once we reach the place where the paths to the dormitories branch off, we bid each other good-bye quickly, before separating to go to our own dorms.
When we enter the transfer dormitory, Zayden and Dante are already there. They sneer at us as we walk in, but don't confront us. Tobias is standing at the end of the room, the blackboard leaning against his legs, facing away from us.
"Alright," Tobias begins, a few seconds after we walk in. I hear footsteps behind us, and glance over my shoulder. Aiden and Sadie are hot on our heels. "So, after the first round of fights, we ranked you according to your skill level. Your skill level and the skill level of the person you beat determined the number of points you earned. Additional points were also earned for improving or beating someone of a high skill level. Preying on the weak doesn't get rewarded. That's cowardice."
I glance at Zayden quickly, knowing that that's who Tobias is referring to. "If you have a high rank, you lose points for losing to a low-ranked opponent. Keep in mind that stage two of training, being more closely tied to overcoming cowardice, is weighted more heavily than stage one. That said, it is extremely difficult to rank high at the end of initiation if you rank low in stage one."
I notice that several of the initiates shift around me, probably getting increasingly unnerved by the speech. Tobias sweeps his eyes over the crowd, hovering on for mine for a second longer, as usual. "Cuts will be announced tomorrow," Tobias continues. "The fact of whether you are transfers or Dauntless-born initiates are not will not be taken into consideration. Five of you could be factionless and none of them. Or five of them could be factionless and none of you. Or any combination thereof."
Tobias pauses, and I take one more deep breath, anticipating his next words. I'm finally going to figure out if I worked hard enough, if I pushed myself enough to earn a place in Dauntless.
The words I expect come out of Tobias' mouth. "That said, here are your ranks."
He lifts the board and hangs it on the hook, then steps aside so we can see the words on the blackboard; the words that determine our future.
1. Julia
2. Zayden
3. Cammi
My breath catches in my throat. Third?
I expected to be fourth or fifth, but not third. I expected to be in the danger zone. I keep reading.
4. Aiden
5. Ethan
6. Lavender
7. Dante
8. Sadie
I keep my face mostly blank, unsure whether to cringe or smile. On one hand, Dante is almost certainly out, and Zayden will be alone in his tricks. On the other hand, Lavender has a pretty good chance of being cut. Ethan is in the danger zone, as well, but more than one Dauntless-borns had to have flunked, making the chances of Ethan being cut less likely than Lavender.
I glance at my friend. Lavender's face is pale, and Ethan is at her side, whispering quietly into her ear, trying to comfort her, I presume. I decide to leave them alone; Ethan seems to have got it handled.
Quiet sobs reach my ears, from the right. I turn my head, and catch Sadie with her head buried in Aiden's chest. He pats her back, trying to sooth her, but his face clearly displays his own distress. The compassionate part of me aches for them; a budding relationship, torn apart, because one of them didn't make it.
The tension that settled over the room after the rankings were revealed is palpable, and it feels like a ticking time bomb, set to explode.
And it does.
Dante doesn't offer any comments; after winning only one fight, against Lavender, he must have somewhat expected a low rank. He does, however, glare heatedly at the four of us.
It's Zayden who does the exploding.
"You!" He nearly yells storming over to Julia, snarling in her face. I take a step towards him, and, I notice, so does Tobias. "How did you rank above me?"
"I beat you into the ground." Julia stares into Zayden's face, unflinching. I can't help but admire her courage in that moment.
Zayden growls and lunges at her. He throws a punch, which Julia easily blocks, before she shoves him, catching him off guard and making him fall to the ground. I suppress the urge to laugh.
Zayden looks ready to get up and go at Julia again, but then, Tobias' shadow falls over him. "Fighting her isn't going to change your rank. She ranked above you, and that's that. I'd suggest you stop trying to pick a fight before she beats you 'into the ground' again."
With that, he stuffs the chalk into his pocket and, with one final glance in my direction, he exits the dorm.
Zayden gets back to his feet, not taking his glare off of Julia.
"He's right, you know." Julia says nonchalantly, jerking a thumb back at the door Tobias exited out of. "I already beat you once, and I'm sure you don't want to get beaten again."
Zayden flushes angrily. "That was lucky. Just you wait." He jabs a finger at her. "When I rank above you in the final rankings, I'll be the one laughing."
Julia waves him off. "Yeah, yeah. Come boast to me then, alright?"
He looks ready to attempt to punch her again, but, at the last second, reigns in his anger. "Come on, Dante."
Dante hurries to his side, and they both stalk out of the room.
As soon as he's gone, I turn around and go to Lavender and Ethan's sides. Lavender still looks too pale, but a little bit of color has returned to her cheeks. Julia joins me less than a second after.
"Congratulations, Julia." Ethan starts the rounds. "We all knew you'd get first." Julia blushes at the statement.
"Yeah, great job, Julia!" Despite Lavender's clear state of distress, she manages to smile brightly at our friend.
I place a hand on Julia's shoulder, and offer her a warm smile. "You deserve it."
"Thank you, all of you. And good job on your own rankings! Third is amazing, Cammi, and fifth and sixth aren't horrible either."
Lavender's face instantly drops at the mention of her rank. "I'm probably going to get cut." She whispers.
"Hey, we already went over this." Ethan instantly reassures. "It's not certain. You're an amazing Dauntless, even if you aren't the best at combat. If they cut you, it's their loss."
"B-But I'll still be on t-the streets, and a-alone." Lavender is on the verge of tears, and the sight pulls at my heart. My friend is upset, and nothing I can say will fix it. The best I can do is offer comfort.
"Hey." Julia reaches out and grips Lavender's chin in her hand, lifting it to look into her eyes. It's startlingly reminiscent of what my brother does when I'm upset. "I would bet all the points I have that you'll make it. You put up a hell of a fight against Zayden, and that's what Dauntless needs. Fighters. And even if you do get cut, you won't be alone. We'll come see you, even if we have to travel across the city to do it. You're our friend, and we won't abandon you, regardless of if you make it into Dauntless or not."
Lavender smiles, and, at that moment, I feel like hugging Julia. She has a way with words; she always knows what to say to comfort any of us. I don't know where she picked up the ability, but I couldn't be more grateful for it.
I place my other hand on Lavender's shoulder, trying to make my expression reassuring when she turns her head to look at me. "Don't worry, it'll be enough. Let's go celebrate!"
At this, Lavender lights up a little. "Well then, let's go. Where to first?"
As we head for the Pit, the atmosphere is noticeably lighter. But a little voice whispers in my ear, constantly reminding me that my friends might not all get into the top ten. That they might have to suffer through life as Factionless. Just the thought makes me shudder.
Ever since I met them, my friends, along with my brother, have been my rock. The moments spent with them have started to replace all the dark memories of Marcus and that house, that prison that was Abnegation. They've made me laugh more in a few weeks than I have in sixteen years.
I hope that all my friends make it too. I don't know what I'll do if they don't.
When I reach our little spot in the Chasm, Tobias is already there, waiting.
"Hey." I greet him.
"Hey, Cam." He returns. I take a seat beside him, and we both silently stare at the rushing water below us.
Tonight is different from our usual Chasm meetings. The air is heavier, thicker. The mood is unusually solemn, with none of our usual banter.
Marcus caused this.
We sit in relative silence for a few minutes, before Tobias finally makes the first move.
"How was your Visiting Day?"
"Good." I reply quietly. "Eric gave us the Faction Before Blood speech, and we all went to the Pit. Ethan and I got to meet Lav and Julia's families. Lav-"
I cut myself off, seeing the furrowed expression on Tobias face. "You met Julia's family?" He asks slowly.
I understand his train of thought immediately. "Oh, it was just her aunt, uncle, and cousin on her dad's side. Nobody on her mother's side, nor her actual parents. Said they were too busy."
Tobias' expression mostly clears after that, although a few small creases remain on his forehead. "Oh. Alright."
"Yeah. Lav apparently has a sister, and Julia's little cousin is adorable. Name's Elia, she's about nine or ten. She's pretty shy, but clearly nerdy." Tobias actually cracks a half-smile at the description. "Then Rowan came along, and I spent a good part of the day with his family. He has younger twin brothers, Denzel and Aziel, and they're little troublemakers, but cute nonetheless. We went to a bunch of stores, including one costume shop. While we were there, they forced me to try on a fairy dress, with fairy wings and everything."
At this, Tobias bursts out laughing. "Please tell me they have pictures of that." He manages to get out between his laughter.
"Well…" I blush.
"I'm definitely going over there tomorrow and getting those, so I can tease you with them forever."
"Hey!" I yelp, repressing the smile that threatens to take over my face. "You can't do that!"
"Who says?" He counters.
I don't respond, just groan dramatically. This sends Tobias into even more laughter.
Eventually I give up the pouting facade and laugh with him.
For a second, everything feels normal. But it doesn't take much to remind me that it isn't.
Once our laughter dies out, I question, "How was your Visiting Day?"
He shrugs. "Mostly just watching over the initiates and their families, nothing really special."
"Oh." Just like that, our previous comfort vanishes, leaving us in tension-filled quiet again.
I wouldn't have minded sitting in the uncomfortable silence for the rest of the night, if it meant we didn't have to address the elephant in the room. But that's not healthy for either of us, and I know it. So, with a deep breath, I speak up.
"How are you dealing with… you know?" My tone is cautious. I'm waiting for my brother to determine the direction of this conversation.
He shrugs. "Not well. I-" his voice breaks, and my concern spikes. Tobias is always strong. If he's breaking like this in front of me, he's really not dealing.
I stay quiet, waiting for him to keep talking. "I watched him hurt you in my dreams, every night. And today, it actually happened. And I wasn't fast enough to stop it. I failed, I broke my promise, and-"
He's freaking out, I can tell. So, I cut him off. "Hey, nothing that happened today was your fault, you know that, right?"
He stays quiet, and I sigh. Typical Tobias - blaming himself for things he couldn't have prevented. "Tobias, the reality is, you won't always be fast enough to protect me. That's why I'm learning self-defense. I know you want to protect me at all costs - I want to do that for you, too." His eyes snap up to mine. "But you can't blame yourself every time you're not fast enough. As much as I love you, I don't want you as my personal bodyguard. I got hurt today, and the only person to blame for it is Marcus. Okay?"
"Okay." He echoes, but his voice carries no conviction. I try not to sigh again. Making Tobias believe that he isn't to blame for everything that goes wrong has been a never-ending process, but I refuse to give up. I know, firsthand, the weight of guilt, and I don't want that weight to sit on Tobias' shoulders forever. "How are you doing, Cam?"
I hesitate. I don't want to seem weak in front of my brother, but Tobias opened up to me, and I should do the same for him. If I can't break down in front of him, I can't break down in front of anyone. "I'm not doing too well either." I look down. "I froze, because the memories wouldn't go away." Tears form in my eyes, and I desperately try to push them back. "Every time h-he smiled at me in- in that way, all I could see was him standing in front of me, reprimanding me while he- the belt came down."
The tears break free of my eyes, and start dripping onto my shirt. Tobias clearly notices, because he pulls me into his lap, adjusting me so I'm leaning against his chest, and waits for me to continue.
I snuggle slightly into him, drawing comfort from his embrace, and force myself to keep talking. "He won't get out of my head. He won't stop hurting me, or hurting you, in my dreams and flashbacks, not even when I scream at him to stop. And then I wonder, w-will he ever stop haunting me?"
"Cam." Tobias starts, as soon as I stop talking. "I promise to you, one day, he will get out of your head. It might take weeks, or it might take years, but it will happen. Hell, I still have that problem. You think I wasn't flashing back to Abnegation, too?" I look up at him, eyes wide. I never even considered the possibility that he might be going through the same thing as me, and now, hearing him say it, makes me feel like a jerk.
Tobias seems to read my thoughts, because he shuts it down immediately. "I kept it from you, Cam, because I didn't want you to worry. There's no way you could have known. Point is, we're both healing. And, one day, we'll be healed enough that we won't hear him in our heads every night. But, today, you were so courageous." I look up at that. "That's right. You broke through all those memories, and found the courage to actually insult Marcus." He barks out a short laugh. The sound lifts the edges of my lips. "Did you see his face? He was so shocked!"
I finally let out a weak chuckle. "Yeah, it was pretty funny."
"And then, you found the bravery to tell Rowan our history. I haven't been able to tell my closest friends that, and you were able to."
I cock my head at him. "No, I told him because I had to. I was terrified."
"That's the point, Cam. Some wise guy once said, 'Bravery is not the absence of fear. Bravery is feeling the fear, the doubt, the insecurity, and deciding that something else is more important.' That was you today. You were terrified, but you decided that protecting you and I from him was more important." He slips a finger under my chin, and brings it up, so I meet his eyes. I'm surprised to find them glassy. His next words somehow ease every doubt that I have, somehow make me smile when all I want to do is cry.
"Today, you were truly Dauntless. You denied fear the power to influence your decisions. You freed yourself from your fear, and I couldn't be more proud of you."
A/N: Awww, I love the ending to this chapter. I'm really proud of it. But it took a while to write - this is easily the longest chapter in the story so far, close to 8,000 words not counting the author's notes. Phew!
If you're wondering, those last words by Tobias were inspired by the line in the Dauntless manifesto, "We believe in freedom from fear, in denying fear the power to influence our decisions." And the quote by, as Tobias said it, 'Some wise guy', is from Mark Manson. Beautiful quote, and perfect for this story!
Okay, so, more serious topic. If you've been stalking me (which is creepy, don't do that!), or just pay really good attention to my author's notes, you'll know that I'm a Texan. And just a few days ago, our entire state - the entire nation, actually - endured a tragedy, in the form of the deaths of 19 students and 2 teachers in a mass shooting at Robb Elementary in Uvalde, Texas. I just wanted to bring some attention to the victims and their families, whose lives will never be the same again.
Eva Mireles, Irma Garcia, Uziyah Garcia, Xavier Lopez, Amerie Jo Garza, Jose Flores, Rogelio Torres, Makenna Elrod, Tess Marie Mata, Annabelle Rodriguez, Ellie Garcia, Nevaeh Bravo, Eliahana Torres, Jailah Silguero, Jayce Luevanos, Alithia Ramirez, Jacklyn Cazares, Alexandria Rubio, Maite Rodriguez, Layla Salazar, and Maranda Mathis - there are no words that will bring all of you back, alive, that will give all of you back your bright futures. All I can say to you and your families is I'm sorry - I'm sorry for your losses, I'm sorry for the grief this event has caused, I'm sorry about how badly we all have failed you, when it came to preventing tragedies like this. Like I said, there are no words that will help with the pain, but I am thinking and praying for each and every one of the deceased, the injured, and their families. For the rest of your lives, I wish you every happiness.
Legitimately, I nearly cried while reading the profiles on all the victims. So many pictures, so many gone, all so young... this isn't okay. This should never be okay. And what's even sadder, it will continue to happen, until we do something about it. How long will it be until we ourselves are personally touched by this issue?
Anyways, moving off that somber topic. Come back next time for some ziplining! I'm certainly looking forward to the lightheartedness it will bring.
Te veo pronto, mi brilliante lectores!