Standard disclaimer
Wow this has been neglected. Not on purpose mind you but as it nears its completion I'm taking special care not to mess it up. Yes, sadly this story is nearing its end but not this chapter! Well not much else to say but sorry for the delay but life does things to people that we oft wish it wouldn't or that we regret. Hope you find the wait worth it.
X-X
Anata no Ichiban ni Naritai
Chapter 19 – Wounded Hearts
Ryoko stood by the entrance of the Aestavalis hanger bay and just watched Akito futilely attempt to fix the left elbow junction of his unit. Something happened to him, that she knew for sure, but what had happened on the moon prior to his rejoining the crew was the topic of many rumors. Hearing a muttered swear and the metallic clang of the wrench that Akito just thrown, Ryoko was tired of watching. "Akito want some help with that?"
Turning his head away from the open compartment, Akito's eyes honed onto the source of the offending noise. He wanted to be alone, no more women in his life, they just brought pain and misery. "Hi Ryoko, I'm fine. Just a little rattled over what the admiral did." A convincing lie as nobody had expected the 'rat bastard admiral' to admit to murdering Guy let along steal the X-Aestavalis only to have it blow up around him. Seeing disbelief on Ryoko's face, Akito turned back to his job sans the tool he needed. "I'll be fine in a few days."
"How about we cut the bullshit Akito? Something is bothering you and it wasn't what happened yesterday. Its not the knowledge that the Jovians' are human like us, now are you going to try and fix your Aesti with your mind or are you going to let me help you!" With each word Ryoko's voice rose in pitch and volume while she continued to walk towards him. "So what's it going to be, I don't mind waiting here for an answer Akito," she said as she came to a stop right next to him.
Taking a fugitive look at Ryoko, Akito saw something on her face that he hadn't noticed before. Aside from the anger and frustration, he saw beauty there as well as compassion. While he couldn't tell her the full reason, he realized he could talk to her and trust her to a point. Whether it was real or imagined to give him an excuse, Akito smiled. "Can you get that wrench that I threw, I still need it."
A light blush adorning her checks and a steady thumping in her ears as her heart rate increased Ryoko nodded. "About time you stopped mopping around Akito." It helped to stop looking at him, allowed her to focus. When had she started having feelings for him? Why did she? Bending down and wrapping her slim fingers around the tool, Ryoko had no answers. "So why don't you tell me what's been eating at you Akito. Everybody is worried about you."
Taking the wrench from Ryoko's extended hand and trying again to remove the bent bolt Akito missed the pleading look on her face. "Have you ever been betrayed by somebody you trusted completely?" He pulled hard on the wrench, hoping the activity would fight the resurging memories.
"We all have at some point Akito. One of my best friends in flight school stabbed me in the back to get a date with another pilot." Ryoko's voice faded softly. She hadn't really cared about the other pilot like Shiori had and what hurt most was losing that friendship. "We just have to move on from it. I made a mistake in choosing her as a friend is all."
The tendons on his neck strained outward as he threw all his strength against the stubborn bolt. Sweat trickled down his neck as he pulled a moment of fear passed through him as he thought it wouldn't give. It did and the bold popped out cleanly. "Do you really think so? If you could do it all again would you not trust her? If you see her now how do you react?"
"Where is this headed Akito? I want to help you but this questioning isn't what you need. Just tell me damn it! What happened to you on the moon that's turned you into this inverted recluse?" Ryoko's forced Akito to look at her by firmly putting her hand on his shoulders and twisting him around. Face to face with him, she had to force her body to react as she wanted. Now wasn't the time to fawn over him or even be kind. Sometimes you had to be cruel to be kind. "Tell me Akito, no dancing around it with vague questions about trust and friendship!"
The fierceness in Ryoko's eyes frightened Akito, it was raw and savage nearly animalistic. "R-Ryoko…" his voice pleaded for her to back down, let him go about this in his own way. The intensity did not leave her face, she simply shook her head 'no.' Closing his eyes and dipping his head, Akito owed up to his fate. "Nakushita…we had an encounter on the moon. He followed me against my wishes during the battle on Earth. It gets confusing when we started living with a family on the moon waiting for the Nadesico to get us. It turns out I didn't really know him at all, I learned that the hard way."
It wasn't hard for Ryoko to sense that Akito was holding back something, it was written all over his face. She was tempted to push the issue and force him to owe up to the rest of the story, but she was unable to. Akito's façade of quiet strength broke as he again saw himself and Ruri together in that small bedroom followed directly by her telling him it was all a mistake, he didn't care that he looked pathetic while doing it, he cried. Slowly tears fell down his cheeks and it mystified Ryoko. "A-Akito, are…are you alright?"
The question, as pointless as it was, was answered with a bitter smile as Akito drew Ryoko into a small hug. The emotional pain was far surpassing anything he'd suffered in battle. An endless wave of pain and suffering, rolling in and out like the tides as his memory suppressed and recovered the memories. Ryoko was just a convenient outlet for it and a source of temporary relief. Ryoko was glad to offer it and tentatively wrapped her arms around him to offer what support she could. And Akito was finally ready to get on with life.
X-X
The bridge of the Nadesico was oddly quiet. Gone was the general buzz of conversations, rumors, and generally happiness. Was it the death of Admiral Munetake, the realization that the murdering lizards were in fact humans, or was it just Yurika's depression making its presence known?
As much as Megumi saw the captain as a rival she couldn't refute that seeing the usual chipper if not down right bubbly captain so depressed had sucked a lot of the life out of the bridge. "Captain, we're entering Earth's atmosphere and should be within communications range soon," the young comm. officer reported.
"No problems detected in phase transition engines, switching to standard thrust in three-two-one," Ruri rattled off from her central position on the bridge at the main computer terminal.
Yurika nodded to each woman as the spoke but said nothing, her mind was elsewhere. So much had been thrust upon her since she'd taken command of the Nadesico and it was finally catching up with her. She had not anticipated so many random yet life changing events to take place so fast. Now she was faced with knowledge of the enemy that would no doubt shatter many preconceived notions about the war, she had lost yet another admiral, and personally she was unsure of what to do about Akito. She wanted, needed, to talk to him but he had again locked himself away from everybody.
Minato said again, "Captain are you listening to me, I said that we've breached the atmosphere and have set in a course for Japan. Do you have any other orders?"
Shaken from her thoughts by Minato's near shout at her, Yurika rubbed her temples to ease the budding stress. "No that's fine Minato, steady as she goes. Megumi any transmissions?" Having been in the ionosphere would have limited communications to emergency channels or higher broadband channels used for special communiqué, Yurika expected some form of greeting from Nergal.
The captain was not to be surprised as Megumi responded. "We have two incoming lines. One is for you and Erina from Nergal while a second is for Ruri from…Peaceland?" Megumi had to check the signal again to insure she had read it correctly. Why would Peaceland a neutral country want to speak with a parentless computer officer?
Ruri's brow furrowed as she arched an eyebrow, "I have a call?" She had no reason to suspect a call from anybody, let alone a foreign country for her. Megumi just laughed nervously as she nodded. "If I maybe excused I will take it from my quarters." With that the young girl stood and left the bridge as the other officers looked on in confusion.
"Captain we should take this in private to, captain?" Erina said trying to get Yurika's attention. The captain again slipping into a deep thought hadn't heard much if anything of what Megumi or Ruri had said. "Yurika snap out of it!" Erina yelled exasperated.
Erina went on to yell at Yurika and pull the absent minded woman out of the room and into a private comm. room leaving Megumi and Minato alone on the bridge, Jun was still out due to his injuries sustained during the battle where Munetake died. "She's not taking this isolation good is she?" Minato asked.
Pulling lightly on her ponytail, Megumi nodded. "I guess I can't compete with that can I?" Megumi replied in a low voice almost inaudible to Minato. Running her fingers deeper into the knot of hair over her shoulder Megumi could feel her heart clenching painfully in her chest. "Maybe I should give up, help her to get him."
Shocked at the sudden turn in Megumi's mentality and the response to her question, Minato swiveled her to face Megumi. "Is that what you think is best, to give him up?" was what she said, but her mind was thinking differently. Minato's mind said it was a good idea for Megumi to give up the man she had been fixated on. She would have had him by now if it was meant to be.
"I don't want to, but he's not talking to me, and I've been thinking a lot about how things are now. I think I love him but I can't compete with Yurika so it's just a matter of time isn't it? She'll never give up on him, even now when he's here but not really, she's waiting for him. I don't think I can do that." The cold feeling in her chest grew outward leaving her fingers chilled and fumbling with the controls. Just thinking about giving up felt so right that it scared her. Love wasn't enough sometimes. "I…I need to take a break."
Minato's heart went out to Megumi as the comm. officer got to her feet and ran from the room. She'd been down that road before and it was a lonely one. "Sorry kid," she mouthed as the door shut behind Megumi blocking Minato's line of sight. Young love was a beautiful thing, but the withering and death of that flower was an ugly and painful thing to behold and the flower that had been Megumi and Akito had lost its last petal.
Readjusting the course to avoid an approaching storm, Minato hoped the best for Megumi. So much was happening aboard the ship that it was hard to keep track of it all. When it seemed to be calming it was just in lieu of another storm.
X-X
"You have to snap out of this Ruri, yeah things are bad but you can't just sit here all day and expect it to work itself out!" Inez said to Ruri in the confines of there shared room. While Inez looked the picture of composure, Ruri had degenerated into a disheveled mess. Her hair was unkempt and knotted, her eyes sunken with large black blotches, and even her skin appeared dirty and sick like spoiled tallow. "Killing yourself in this room won't fix anything."
Rolling over on her bed to face the wall, Ruri didn't care what Inez said. She was sick of everything now, didn't care if she was fated to disappear and if asked at that moment would have said she'd welcome it. The knowledge of her betrayal of not only Akito but her own feelings never left her. It was a black shawl that was wrapped around her, draining the will to do anything. "Go way Inez," she said weakly.
Her lips drew together tight forming a thin line on her face as she looked down at Ruri, disgusted. "Get over this already Ruri, it hurts now yes, but have you tried talking to him? Have you tried seeing past your own pain for a minute? Yes things are bad but it's not the end of the world for Kami-sama's sake!" Inez had grown tired of the self imposed punishment Ruri was administering. "I thought you were stronger than this."
"Well I'm not!" Ruri expounded as she rolled back over and got to her feet. Sadness and bitterness boiled over into anger at Inez's constant nagging. "I'm not that strong ok, are you happy now? And what do I tell him now huh? Well yes Akito I said I loved you then said I didn't but you know what I really do but keep it a secret ok? I just don't care anymore, I hope that the young me doesn't ask Akito to go with her to Peaceland, doesn't write about it in her log so Omaikane to find, and I hope she hates Akito. Don't you see Inez! Don't you get it!"
Unlike what Ruri suspected, Inez wasn't angry at that moment, in fact the smile on her face was genuine. She had finally got Ruri to do something other than mope. "No Ruri I don't get it because you haven't told me what to look for, what to expect. You've just been wallowing in your own misery for the last two weeks. I've just saw you lay there and cry and act like some spoiled child who had her toy taken away."
Ruri's fingers balled into fists, astonished by Inez's cutting remarks. "Well then, doctor," the word was infused with as much animosity as possible, "I'll tell you. When this happened to me, when Akito took me to Peaceland, it was the first time I saw him as something other than a brother figure. I wrote about that in my logs, Omaikane saw them and wrote a song for me to sing at the 'Miss Nadesico' talent show, and track down the location of Akito's orphanage where I was teleported to a week later. I'm running out of time and I'm glad, I want to die right about now. I've hurt him so much Inez, hurt him so much that I can't stand to look at myself. I used his feelings like a yoyo. Pushing him away and drawing him in to fit my needs. Well what about his huh? What about him? For all I've seen of him this last two weeks he's been miserable and won't talk to me!"
Inez didn't look impressed, even a little bored at Ruri's dialogue. "Are you finished now? All this 'oh poor me' stuff is running on my last nerve Ruri. You have to options here. Just two. You can either give up and jettison your body now out an airlock or you can fight. Anybody can be made to understand Ruri, anybody. But you can't expect anything if you don't try it. I'm not sure if the damage done between you and Akito can be fully repaired but you can try right? So what do you do, and remember if you're younger self does go back in time and you did nothing, you'll still be left with nothing."
Ruri's eyes widened at that thought. She'd never considered what she'd do if her younger self went back yet she had nothing left to live for. She had always pictured Akito with her in that event, not just her alone. "I-I…don't know if I can face him right now Inez. Could you…talk to him for me first?" as the words left her mouth, those weak and desperate words so close to begging, Ruri felt sick. It was bile leaving her throat and yet she couldn't stop herself, "you have to help me."
It wasn't what Inez wanted, she wanted Ruri to stand up for herself again, regain her lost confidence. "I'll try Ruri, but I'm just going to let him know that you want to talk to him. I'm not going to explain things to him. That's your job." As much as Inez loved Ruri, it was hard for her to accept what had just happened. Ruri had become so weak after Akito and her return from the moon. "Clean yourself up and get something to eat while I'm gone ok. You look like a mess," Inez smiled.
"I do don't I?" Ruri looked down at her dirty cloths and sickly complexion. Thinking beyond her own internal pain for the first time in weeks, Ruri was more upset with herself than ever before. As Inez walked through the door, Ruri let out one last, "thanks." She wasn't sure if Inez heard her or not, but it didn't matter. Inez had succeeded in breaking the shell of isolation she'd wrapped herself in, and now it was up to her to make her own way.
X-X
It didn't take Inez long to find Akito, not knowing the man as she did. She found him as he walked out of the cafeteria kitchen as his shift ended. Even with his problems, Akito wouldn't skirt his duties on others. "Tenkawa-kun a moment of you time if you would?" she asked coming up behind him.
Freezing at the sound of the familiar voice, Akito's body tensed and readied to run. He wasn't ready yet for this. Sure he'd talked to Ryoko for a long time after his small break down and she helped him realize hiding from the issue wouldn't make it go away, but to face it so soon? "Inez, what can I do for you?" he replied tersely.
"Oh don't be coy Akito, I'm sure you know what I'm here for," Inez said coyly. Both of them could read each other well enough to see beyond the surface of there meeting. It was about Ruri and him. "Shall we go to one of the VR rooms for some privacy?" Akito couldn't be sure but he was almost sure their was a playful hint to Inez's voice and her eyes shined with a dangerous light. Passer-by's heard them and went off to spread the rumors of the illicit meeting.
Struggling to keep his hormones under control, knowing she was playing with him, Akito chose to play along with her. If those watching them wanted to go tell everybody else why not make it a big show. Extending his elbow to Inez, she linked her arm with his and the two walked to the rec-rooms. "So how is he doing?" Akito asked as he felt his heart rate increase. He cursed his feelings, cursed how just the thought of that woman still affected him. He should hate her for what she did, so why didn't he?
Not one to often be in the situation she was in, Inez was quite enjoying the warmth of the body next to hers. Unconsciously stepping in closer she was a trifle off her game. "Good, well not really but making progress towards it. But we should wait until we start our date before talking about it ok?" How was he so calm about this? Wasn't he supposed to be as much a wreck as Ruri had been? Inez felt a twinge of resentment for Akito's apparent calm.
Opening the VR-room and letting Inez enter first, Akito sealed the door and removed his arm from her embrace. "I'm surprised it took you so long to contact me Inez-san, I had figured either you or Ruri would have come to talk to me sooner." Akito was no fool and as Inez and Ruri were living together and compatriots in the lie, they'd surely try to insure he not break their confidence.
Lowering the lights to a low dim, Inez moved close to Akito and spoke in hushed tones. "We have our reasons for this Akito, you have to trust us. Ruri never meant to hurt you on the moon, or keep her survival a secret but you have to trust us." Inez couldn't see how he could though. All they offered him was assurances with no backing, requests with no reward.
Inez had never seen such a detached look on anybodies face before as she saw on Akito's at that moment. He didn't seem to be wholly there, as if part of him had just puffed out like a candle flame in a breeze. "I'm sure she did, I'm sure you did. And I have my reasons for not wanting to deal with her anymore. We all have our reasons."
"You can't mean that Akito-kun, it's not Ruri's fault what happened to her or why she needs to have such secrecy now," Inez started but the words lacked any power. How could she expect him to understand without proof? Words have no real power save to explain, but what good is an explanation with no backing. "Give her time to sort things out ok?"
Inez's request felt hallow, shallow. "Inez-san, I'm tired of all of this. I've lost so many people in my life already, failed even more, and now you want me to give the woman that hurt me so much time to sort things out? Give her time to think if she wants to be with me only to push me away again? I couldn't handle that again." Inez could feel the bitterness in his words, smell it, taste it, and she gagged on them.
A few dry coughs escaped her mouth which was covered by her hand as she moved to a chair. "We all feel that way at times. I'm not asking you to forgive her or even love her again. I just want you to talk to her and let her say her peace and give you the chance to have yours. Sound fair?" It was a fair request, even if all he said was 'go to hell' and that was the end of it. Closure is closure even if you don't like it, and those two needed it badly.
"I'll think about it Inez, but will I be saying goodbye to her and yourself when we reach the Nergal main headquarters? I'm tired of goodbyes you see, I never get to say them to the people important to me or deserve it. Guy, Ai-chan, they never got goodbyes and they deserved them, why should I give her what she wants?" Akito's hands pulled into such tight fists that his nails broke the skin. So many innocent had died, so many that should have had more but didn't yet here he was considering talking to one he had thought lost only to find and be betrayed by. What did he owe her anyway?
Inez got to her feet and dusted off her skirt, "I never knew you were so shallow Akito, I thought better of you." Her remark got the desired result as Akito's face darkened with either sadness or regret. She smiled at that, it meant he hadn't truly meant his words, hopefully. There was still a chance for a peaceful parting of ways if the two couldn't work things out. "And I'll pass that on to her as well. Don't wait to long Akito, she really wants to talk to you."
Walking past him, she stopped and patted his shoulder sympathetically, "You've been through a lot Akito, but trust me in this when I say she's been through worse. At least give her a chance to explain. Be a better man about this and at least see her, for me if anything." She hadn't expected Akito to cover her hand with his and squeeze it softly. He said nothing but that small gesture was more than enough for Inez. Ruri would get her meeting. Walking out of the VR-room and watching Ruri's younger self walk inside of it, Inez felt good. She'd did what she said she'd do, and listening to the young girl talk Akito it seemed that things were still on track as the girl asked for her 'knight' to accompany her home.
X-X
She was waiting on the balls of her feet for the shuttle doors to open and Akito and Ruri's return from there short vacation. Yurika had been beside herself with how to respond to the changed Akito, but no longer. She'd seen his smiling face as he took Ruri off to Peaceland and knew he was still the Akito she loved. She'd wait for him forever if she had to, but just waiting wasn't her style. So when the door did open and a slightly bruised yet happy Akito walked out laden with packages and an equally happy looking Ruri stepped out she walked up to them. "Akito-chan how was the trip did Ruri-chan have a nice visit with her parents?"
Depositing the crews presents onto a waiting gurney, Akito turned to Ruri. "I'll have these taken care of, why don't you go get some good food ok?" He rubbed the top of her head affectionately eliciting a blush from the young girl who was rendered mute as she ran off. Turning back to Yurika who had only a marginal miffed look and said, "It was a unique visit to say the least Yurika."
"Well as long as you didn't get hurt then its alright." Taking Akito's hand in hers, Yurika lead the startled man down one of the many corridors of the Nadesico, opting to talk to him about private matters in private. "Akito, about the moon and your boson jumping, and how you're feeling…" Yurika paused to carefully choose her next words, "I want you to tell me if something's wrong. I don't secrets between us."
Since when did they have a solid relationship, Akito thought? Sure he felt something for the oddly brilliant captain, but was it worth the pain? Akito opened his mouth to speak but stopped. Looking deeply in Yurika's glistening blue eyes as she stood ever closer to him, feeling her breath against his face, and drinking in her emotions Akito wasn't sure he wanted to blow her off this time as something seemed different. He desperately needed somebody in his life, if only to add stability. "Yurika, it was a misunderstanding between Nakushita and me. It was hard for me to accept and then the whole Jovian thing. I was just…lost I guess."
Yurika stepped even closer to Akito, only a foot away, her smile while smaller than usual somehow seemed more real to him. "It's ok Akito, its ok." Moving the hand she still held up to her cheek, Yurika could feel such an intense heat radiating out of it through his glove. A small fire against her cheek, she loved it. "Akito, I've told you this before but I don't think you really believed it. But I love you Akito, I truly do. We haven't had a chance to talk much since the battle on Earth. I was scared to death that you might have been taken from me without you really knowing it. Tell me Akito, do you trust me, do you believe me."
How such simple words spoken in such a demure tone could penetrate him was unthinkable. It had been as if she'd yelled it in a microphone against his head, the words still echoed in his mind. She was not lying, embellishing, or even exaggerating in the slightest. The woman holding his hand loved him. He wanted to respond to her, to do what she wanted and accept her feelings, not respond to them, just accept the fact she loved him but his voice was locked tight. His lips moved but no words left them.
Gazing deeply into his brown eyes Yurika could see the understanding forming, the acceptance she craved. Hearts and thoughts fade in time for most, but for her, the heart she'd given to the deadpan youth on Mars had yet to dwindle. It was etched in stone. Her smile dwindled more, but it wasn't in sadness or even fear, she was far happier than she'd ever been. No her smile faded as her lips moved against his in sudden and brief kiss. A mere pressing of them together, feather light, but enough for her to know he'd eaten Italian food.
Akito didn't say anything else, he just took Yurika's hand back in his and nodded softly. The two of them silently walked down the hall and towards the cafeteria where they'd share a meal with the young Hoshino, had anybody not known them they'd appear a family sharing a meal together. Sitting in the back of the cafeteria the adult Ruri saw it and had she not expected it would have cried. But that Ruri knew that you can only hurt somebody so much, play with their emotions so long before they start to look elsewhere.
Ruri laughed inside her mask at the shear irony of her life. Her song, the song she'd sang about her feelings about Akito. What would I do if I'd know you before everybody else, if I was your number one? Well I'd hurt you and drive you to somebody else. She thought as she threw her leftovers away, more than half the Mars Bowl. Sure Akito and Yurika were just eating a meal together but Ruri could see the look on Yurika's face, hell she saw it on her own many times before in the mirror on Mars. A look of determination and ownership. Yurika planned on making Akito hers and Ruri didn't know if the man could resist her.
Humans seek love and acceptance to ease the troubles of their lives. Ruri thrust a bevy of pain and loneliness into Akito's life and Yurika seemed willing to remedy that. Heading back to her room, Ruri didn't bother checking the computer logs if her younger self made an entry about her experiences with Akito. As much as she wanted to doubt they'd be there, she knew they would be if only to spite her. She may end up with him, but I care more about him than she could.
A chime on her door prompted her to put the helmet back on and answer her door. Who was standing behind it wasn't anybody she would have expected but seemed unduly pleased. "Miss Hoshino what a pleasure to meet you under these situations," Erina Wong said as she stepped into the room. "I believe you and I have much to discuss."
X-X
Author notes
I know it looks a little depressing right now but give me time. I have things in mind and I'm sure you'll be happy with the outcome. If you think Akito is being cruel or out of character again I believe I'm portraying him in a more human light. He believed the woman he cared for had died only to find out she was alive and hiding from him, then after he's lead to believe they're together again she tells him she doesn't want that. I'd think such a result would be a very hurt and vulnerable man, and when at our weakest don't we turn to others for support. And what better support than from somebody that was a close friend like Yurika?
Feel free to disagree but I think this is more realistic. But don't worry yet, Ruri isn't out yet and as the curtain draws closed I've more planned that you'll like. Trust me
Ja Mata
Zentrodie(zentrodie-at-secondimpact-dot-com)