A/N: Before we get started, I need to take a moment to address two items.
First of all, I apologize in advance for the fact that this is the longest chapter of this story; much like that one particularly gargantuan chapter of Tears of a Clone, this chapter depicts more than one major event that not only occur simultaneously, but also involve multiple characters, which accounts for the excessive amount of content in this chapter.
Secondly, I am excited to announce that as of this chapter, the entire story is now completely drafted; all of the ensuing chapters that will follow have been written in advance as far back as last September, when a sudden burst of creativity resulted in a number of late-night writing binges. Of course, each of these chapters will still need to be reviewed by myself and Albertson before they can be published, especially to work in any new details and elements that have developed over the course of this story that will otherwise be absent from future chapters (such as how Tiffany has evolved into a supporting character, for example).
This also bears good news and bad news...
Good news: Hopefully, for the first time since this story began, we can finally implement a regular update schedule! Perhaps a weekly basis, if possible, but at least there should no longer be prolonged waiting periods between chapters.
Bad news: The story is still far from over. After this, there are still approximately ten chapters left - and that's barring any further unexpected developments or detours along the way. Of course, revisiting the events of "Deep Cuts" accounts for at least two of these upcoming chapters, but still, even I never imagined this story would end up being this long.
Okay, enough about that. Let's take a look and see how Romeo & Juliet and the Rocket Squirrels' final football game of the season play out this evening...
Mornings are usually a quiet part of the day, but such was not the case at the Loud House, especially when the entire family sat down to a meal, such as breakfast on that Friday morning, where the nippy early winter air inspired Lynn, Sr. to see to it that his family was served hot breakfasts that would stick to their ribs, though even as he finally took his seat at the head of the table, he noticed that among his family, one particular daughter of his was not eating.
"What's wrong, Luana-banana?" He asked. "You're not eating, honey..."
"I'm too excited to eat," squealed Luan as she sipped on some orange juice instead.
"Tonight is literally a big night for you, isn't it?" Lori asked.
"Sure is!" Luan exclaimed as she sipped some more orange juice.
After she had finally conquered her fear of kissing Benny, and learning that he reciprocated her crush, Luan was an absolute chatter box about her newfound romance with her longtime crush; they could definitely understand her excitement, as this was the night of their production of Romeo & Juliet.
"Yish... you got guts, I'll say that for you," muttered Lynn, Jr. "I'd rather kiss a toilet seat than kiss somebody for all the world to see..."
"Could we be a little more mindful of our conversations while we're eating, please?" Rita asked of her athletic daughter, while she spoon fed Lily some mashed apples. "Benny seems like quite a talented young man..."
"He is!" Luan gushed. "He's seriously the best actor in drama class, and Mrs. Bernardo thinks we have undeniable chemistry!"
"As long as you two crazy kids don't start blowing up the chemistry lab," Lynn, Sr. quipped while he shared a laugh with his ponytailed daughter.
"You guys aren't gonna start coming up with sickening pet names for each other like Lori and her Boo-Boo Bear, are you?" Lynn, Jr. asked, much to the annoyance of the oldest sister who was not at all pleased with that remark.
"Noooo... at least, I'm pretty sure we won't..." said Luan, who had to take a moment to see if she even could come up with some sort of nickname for her new boyfriend.
"Are you and Benny going to have your first date soon?" Leni asked.
"Oh, I don't know, we haven't even really talked about that," said Luan with a hint of pink in her cheeks at the prospect of actually having a date with him. "We're kinda busy with our play right now..."
"You'll do great, honey," said Rita in encouragement. "We're really looking forward to seeing the play tonight."
"But, you really should eat something," pointed out Lynn, Sr. "After all, breakfast is the most important meal of the day, and you'll need your energy when you're on that stage tonight. Besides, I sliced up bananas in your oatmeal, just like you like!"
Luan was still far too excited to eat anything as she went back to drinking some of her orange juice.
"Maybe the Pungeon Master would rather eat a breakfast burrito instead," suggested Luna. "A Benny breakfast burrito."
The remark resulted in Luan doing a spittake, of which, Lola was on the unfortunate receiving end of as she sat directly across from her funny sister. While the little pink princess was far too disgusted by Luan spewing orange juice all over her, and Leni, Lucy and Lana seemed just a might clueless over this, every other sibling from Lincoln upward, and Lisa, unfortunately, understood the context of Luna's innuendo; Lynn, Jr., at least, had a snicker over this, but the others, including the parents, had disapproving glares on their faces.
"Really, Lunes?" Luan choked as she wiped the dribble of juice away from her lips. "That is so wrong, I can't even joke about it!"
"The breakfast table is really not the place for such talk," scolded Rita.
"It most certainly is not," agreed Lynn, Sr.
Luna, meanwhile, merely wore a coy grin on her freckled face, and released a cheeky chuckle from the back of her throat.
Ruby could not stop shivering on this cold, early winter evening to watch the Royal Woods High Rocket Squirrels' final game of their football season; Tiffany and many of the other girls who sat on their specially reserved bleacher did not seem quite as effected by the nippy evening air in their light layers of jackets and/or sweatshirts, but because her ethnic blood traced back to a region of the world that was acclimated to a tropical climate as opposed to the upper Midwestern region of North America, Ruby was freezing as she pulled her dark red hood over her head and drew the cords tightly to seal off as much of the body heat from leaving her head as she could, followed by the slipping of her hands into the front pockets to keep her fingers from going numb.
That was not the only thing she felt in any of her pockets, though. Before she knew it, she felt a vibration from within one of the side pockets of her jeggings, in which she kept her cell phone; curious as to what this could have been a notification of, she reached in and pulled her phone out to take a look – it appeared to be from her Instacram app notifying her of a new photo that had just been posted. Upon tapping the notification, she saw that one LUAN_OUT_LOUD had just posted a backstage selfie of she and her fellow theater club thespians in their Shakespearean wardrobe, with a caption that read, 'It's time to make magic!' In the moment, Ruby very much wished that she was in a nice, warm auditorium, rather than among these bleachers out in the freezing cold.
She took a moment to study the photo and allow her eyes to recognize the familiar faces of her former fellow thespians: Luan and Benny were front and center as Romeo and Juliet, of course, but she could see standing behind them were some of the others who managed to cram themselves within the boundaries of the phone's camera frame, including Lyberti and Leo as Capulets, and Amy and Rex as Montagues. Alas, there was one face that was obscured in this photo, the one face that she really wanted to see, because it was the one face that she missed the most… from behind Luan's arm that extended up into the air to take this selfie, Ruby could just make out a pair of glasses, and a glimpse of wavy brown hair tucked underneath a hat. Shannon. Her best friend. Her honorary sister. The fact that it was her face that, by pure happenstance, was obscured in this group photo was very much a disappointment for Ruby.
These thespians appeared to be both excited, though somewhat nervous and apprehensive at the same time – no doubt they were consumed with some pre-show jitters. Even though she had quit theater, Ruby still wanted to extend her support for a good show on this evening; she hovered her finger over the comment bar, but was at a loss of what she could type… she just could not think of what to comment that could convey her sincerity, and without seeming as though she was being condescending, considering how meaningless and impersonal her farewell to the club had been… instead, she just merely tapped the like icon under the photo… it was better than nothing, she figured.
Ruby still very much missed seeing Shannon's face, though. At the moment, the marching band and cheering squad were still engaged in their pre-game show, so the Indian girl figured she had a quick moment to look back on some recent memories. She scrolled back through her own gallery and came upon one random selfie she had taken with Shannon during lunch one afternoon, of which she had captioned with the hashtag #bestieswag, and the tagged Broadwaygirl1924 had commented, 'BESTIES 4EVR!' So much for forever; Ruby could feel a twinge of guilt eat away at her over the realization that she had not exactly been a B.F.F. to Shannon like she could have been, like she should have been, like she wanted to be, due in part to the devotion of so much of her time to Spencer and his insatiable need for her moral support.
If only Ruby could see Shannon in Romeo & Juliet tonight, even though she had but a smaller role in this production, as opposed to when she was practically the star of A Midsummer Night's Dream, the memory of which caused Ruby's mind to wander off into reliving that night on stage, and she but a mere fairy in a red unitard, but how much fun it was watching Shannon as Hermia, how talented she was, and how she became that role so effortlessly. Even watching Spencer was fun that night, as he brought both a certain charm and a little sense of ham to his performance as the mischievous, magical sprite, Puck… truthfully, watching him as a thespian that night was a lot more fun than watching him as a lineman any of these other nights. His dazzling footwork during practice and during the games had been an impressive feat to behold for sure, but it had all become so routine day after day, week after week, and she knew he was capable of doing more with his skills and talents; so much more.
Speaking of the devil, Ruby found herself snapped back to reality when those in the stands began a tremendously big cheer as the Rocket Squirrels ran out onto the football field for the last time, busting their way through a large paper banner, with their arms stretched out before them in their customary flying squirrel glide. This was to be a most captivating night, as the Rocket Squirrels would go up against their biggest arch-rival, the Fern Valley Feral Voles, a fact that also dragged Ruby into something of an awkward and somewhat uncomfortable moment...
"You are rooting for Royal Woods tonight, right, Rubes?" Another player's girlfriend who sat on the opposite side of Tiffany asked as she leaned forward to address Ruby.
"Yeah, you may be from Fern Valley, but you're in Royal Woods now," yet another player's girlfriend added into the conversation.
"You're either with us or against us," and yet another player's girlfriend chimed in.
Ruby just glared at the other girls; honestly, what was their deal, anyway? Why should it be such a big deal that she was originally from Fern Valley? This was just football, should that really dictate their apparent discrimination against another locale? As they all stared at her and waited for a response, Tiffany chose that moment to put everybody at ease…
"Of course she's rooting for Royal Woods, come on, just enjoy the game," she insisted.
That was satisfying enough for the other girls to hear as they did just that: return their focus onto the game that would be played that night; Tiffany, meanwhile, just glanced at Ruby and gave her a shrug of indifference… at least she got her off the hook.
Unlike the games of all of the previous weeks, the national anthem was not performed by the Moon Goats that night, because their lead vocalist and guitarist had a prior commitment: to see her little sister play one of the titular characters of the Royal Woods High theater club's production of Romeo & Juliet, which, at that moment, was about to begin, as a certain tall, dark-haired lady stepped out onto stage to address the attendees in the auditorium:
"Good evening, everyone, we are positively delighted to have all of you with us on this night! I am Mrs. Kate Bernardo… actor… author… playwright… producer… occasional motivational speaker… freelance film critic… and, of course, the director of tonight's production, of which we are all VERY proud to present to you this evening! And now, ladies and gentlemen, if you would be so kind as to turn off all electronics devices, and unwrap any candy or lozenges, let us be whisked away to the city of Verona, Italy, as we witness the tumultuous romance between two young forbidden lovers… ROMEO AND JULIET…"
With the conclusion of her flowery speech, Mrs. Bernardo receded into the darkened wings of the stage, while the curtains parted to a roar of applause; the Loud family were particularly excited to see this specific play, and not just because Luan played one of the titular characters, but they were also most curious to see if the usually lighthearted and comedic sister could pull off a dramatic role.
While those in the auditorium watched and witnessed a rivalry between two feuding families, the Montagues and the Capulets, those out on the bleachers watched and witnessed the rivalry between the Royal Woods Rocket Squirrels and the Fern Valley Feral Voles; so far, the Squirrels were off to an excellent start, as they were more than prepared for this match. With the Voles in possession of the ball, their quarterback had attempted to toss it over to a wide receiver, but before he knew what hit him, the Squirrels had effectively blitzed him; those who cheered for the home team were thoroughly pleased that the ball would go back to the Squirrels, while Ruby was just pleased this would be the last game she would have to sit through.
With the Rocket Squirrels now in possession of the ball, it was snapped back to Sullivan, their quarterback, who kept it for a moment, then managed to pitch it over to Horatio with only a split second to spare before he got tackled; Horatio ran with the ball and managed to break free from one Vole tackler, but was not so lucky by the time another Vole was able to take him out… what did turn out to be a lucky break for the Squirrels, however, was that Horatio managed to gain more than ten yards, which earned them their first down, and allowed them to remain in possession of the ball – another reason for spectators to be pleased with the efforts of the home team as they cheered so enthusiastically.
So far so good; Spencer had hoped that Ruby was actually paying attention this time. Just before the Squirrels got into formation at the line of scrimmage, he stole a glance up at her in the stands, though it was hard for him to discern whether or not she gave the game her full and undivided attention with her being as bundled up as she was – at least she appeared to be facing the direction of the action, rather than staring out into empty space like she had during their previous game.
After the ball was snapped back to Sullivan again, he faked a handoff to fool the opposing Voles, and while many of their linemen attempted to stop the Squirrel running back that they had assumed was in possession of the ball, Sullivan threw a long pass. Wide receiver, Brandon, ran down the field, but so did an alert Vole, who attempted to intercept the ball; both players were just inches away from a collision, but Brandon not only managed to catch the pass, he took it straight into the end zone.
"TOUCHDOWN, ROCKET SQUIRRELS!" The referee yelled with his arms in the air.
Tiffany shot up to her feet and screamed at the top of her lungs while others around her, likewise, cheered the Rocket Squirrels' first touchdown; Ruby had to at least admire Tiffany's enthusiasm for her boyfriend's achievements… not that she lacked any enthusiasm for Spencer's efforts, but admittedly, with him being a lineman, running with the ball or scoring touchdowns were not necessarily among his responsibilities for the team; his were, more or less, bearing the brunt of the work to keep the opposing players away from their backfield. Despite the touchdown, and the Rocket Squirrels still in possession of the ball for their next play, her mind began to wander again, and she found herself wondering just how Benny and Luan were doing as Romeo and Juliet now that the play had surely gotten underway.
By now, Romeo/Benny had approached the cardboard façade of a balcony, where he beckoned for his Juliet to step out.
"But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? It is the east, and Juliet is the sun. Arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon! It is my lady, it is my love!" He delivered his dialogue so flawlessly.
Sure enough, on cue, Luan/Juliet had stepped out onto the balcony which overlooked the rest of the stage, and responded to her forbidden lover with a certain eloquence that seemed surprising to her siblings to hear their usually silly and comedic sister speak thusly…
"Romeo, Romeo? Where for art thou, Romeo? Deny thy father, refuse thy name! Or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn, my love, and I'll no longer be a Capulet."
Romeo/Benny responded, "Lady, by yonder blessed moon I swear, that tips with silver all these fruit tree tops…"
"Swear not by the moon, the inconstant moon that monthly changes in her circled orb," interrupted Juliet/Luan. "Lest thy love prove likewise variable."
"What shall I swear by?" The on-stage Romeo queried of his Juliet.
"Do not swear at all," she said unto him. "Or, if thou wilt, swear by thy gracious self, which is the god of my idolatry, and I'll believe thee…"
"O, wilt thou leave me so unsatisfied?" Romeo/Benny fretted.
"What satisfaction canst thou have tonight? Juliet/Luan asked.
"The exchange of thy love's faithful vow for mine," said Romeo/Benny.
So far, the other thespians who stood by back stage were relieved that after so many weeks of botched rehearsals, their play had gone rather smoothly this evening; even Mrs. Bernardo was beaming as she watched the Romeo and Juliet she had directed all of this time make it through their performances with no trouble.
While the cheering squad and color guard had taken to the field for the halftime show, Ruby's mind had since wandered back to thoughts of Shannon, and how much she had missed seeing her, which was exactly why she had returned to her Instacram app on her phone to look back on some more recent memories, such as A Midsummer Night's Dream, when she had asked Ruby to snap a shot of her in her Hermia dress to show her virtual friends and followers that she was about to grace the stage in her first starring role; even in spite of how obviously old fashioned the wardrobe of Shakespeare was, somehow, Shannon made it work, Ruby thought.
With halftime now over, it was time for the Rocket Squirrels and the Feral Voles to get back into the game for their second half. The Squirrels had been doing quite better that evening than they had in their previous two games, and with the four-point lead that they had over the Voles, they felt certain that they would be able to maintain a lead over their rivals, win this game, and finish out their season with a bang, just as they had hoped… but, all of that began to change at the beginning of the third quarter. The two teams got into their formations at the line of scrimmage, the ball was snapped to quarterback Sullivan, and the Squirrels attempted a trick play with a reverse, but unfortunately for them, the Voles were too smart for this. Sullivan pitched to his flanker, Brandon, who, in turn, ran across the field, and straight into a Vole linebacker who nearly crushed him; the ball was fumbled and recovered by the Voles, which was the first major upset for the home team and those who rooted for them this evening.
Tiffany's tormented groaning over her boyfriend's mishap was loud enough to break Ruby away from her phone to look out onto the field to see for herself why everyone else who sat around her had jeered thusly; since she did not actually see what had happened, she was at a loss, though just assumed, based on the crowd's unfavorable response, that something did not work out in the Rocket Squirrels' favor. When she saw the two teams get back into formation, she went back to scrolling through her Instacram app on her phone. Down at the line of scrimmage, Spencer's eyes briefly scanned Ruby up in the stands, but had to do a double take when he saw that his girlfriend had her eyes on her phone instead of the game… that was enough of a distraction for a Vole lineman to take him out and open a hole for their fellow Voles to advance towards the Squirrels' backfield. Still, Ruby just continued to scroll and swipe, scroll and swipe.
On stage, Luan as Juliet had awaken inside a tomb in a church graveyard, whereupon she discovered the body of her Romeo as he laid lifelessly on the ground below her, a grail clutched within his death grip, as she knelt down beside him, and quickly figured out what this act was that he had committed while she previously had slumbered.
"Poison, I see, hath been his timeless end…" Juliet/Luan lamented in sorrow. "O, churl! Drunk all, and left no friendly drop to help me after?"
It was then that the brace-faced Juliet had noticed but a small dribble of liquid that dangled from her deceased Romeo's lips.
"I will kiss thy lips," she said. "Haply some poison yet doth hang from them, to make me die with a restorative…"
Out in the audience, three particular attendees were on the edge of their seats.
"This literally it!" Lori quietly exclaimed as she clasped her hands over her heart.
"O-M-GOSH!" Leni also quietly exclaimed as she clenched her fists in glee.
"You wanted the SMOOCH, and you got the SMOOCH!" Luna also quietly exclaimed as a reference to how the rock band SMOOCH always kicked off their live concerts.
Juliet/Luan's eyes eased shut, and slowly she leaned down toward her lifeless Romeo; the exact second that her lips made contact with his…
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
A trio of celebratory squeals were elicited from three particular teen girls out in the audience, though a flurry of shushes and other similar requests for silence soon followed – even from their own parents. Lightly pink-faced, Lori, Leni, and Luna quieted down, but they could not contain their excitement in being witnesses to their younger sister kiss her longtime-crush-turned-official-boyfriend – and up on stage, for all the world to see.
It had become quite clear that the Feral Voles had made an unbelievably remarkable comeback in the second half of the game, which had stirred up a bit of a frenzy among the frantic Rocket Squirrels, who became increasingly desperate to flip the tables back into their favor again – by any means necessary. With the Voles in possession of the ball again, their quarterback threw a pass over to their wide receiver, which the Squirrels' cornerback attempted to intercept; whether or not said cornerback intended any unnecessary roughness could have been debated, but from the referee's perception, the collision between the two players was an illegal hit, as he threw a yellow flag onto the field to penalize the Rocket Squirrels for this seemingly cheap shot that resulted in another fumble. Needless to say, nobody on the field was happy about this: not the Voles for the fumble; not the Squirrels for their penalty; not Coach Rubiner for the referee's call; and just the same, not anybody in the stands who could not figure out whether this really was unnecessary roughness, or an honest accident.
While the home team's coach and referee had a brief argument over the latter's call, Spencer took another moment to look up into the stands to see that Ruby was still preoccupied with her phone, much to his consternation; clearly, she was paying no attention to the game whatsoever, and he was not the least bit happy about this – as far as he was concerned, his personal good-luck charm had brought their team bad luck with her seemingly careless negligence. Ruby, meanwhile, had swiped through some of the selfies she had taken with her former fellow thespians on school picture day earlier in the semester; of course her favorite was the one that she took with Shannon clad in her simple, yet charming orange dress, and had captioned, 'Best-dressed besties,' but she also thought back fondly on she and a tuxedo-clad Lyberti pretending to belt out song like a pair of proud divas, and a surprisingly elegant-looking Luan flashing a pair of devil horn fingers behind her head… by now, Ruby had figured that Luan would probably be kissing Benny on stage at any moment, and wondered just how that would be going for both of them.
As other thespians stood by off stage, glances were exchanged amongst them; now that Luan's crush on Benny was out in the open and no longer a closed secret, in addition to Benny reciprocating Luan's crush, they fully understood that the kissing scene was quite a big deal for the two of them… they did begin to wonder, however, just how much longer did Luan intend to keep this going? In the opposite wing, Mrs. Bernardo eventually took a look at her golden pocket watch, if only to assure herself that time had not suddenly stood still. Out in the auditorium, tears streamed down Lynn, Sr.'s face at the sight of one of his baby girls kissing her first boyfriend, and even Rita felt a swell of emotion as well, but was better able to keep herself in check than her high-strung husband; Lincoln, Lucy, and Lisa were rather indifferent and unaffected by any sort of emotional impact the scene may have possessed; Lynn, Jr., Lana, and Lola cringed at the mushiness the longer they watched their sister kissing a boy, and while the sporty sister may have grown out of an age to still believe in such, the twins were convinced that Luan probably had cooties now. Lori, Leni, and Luna, however, continued to watch their sister's theatric and romantic accomplishment with unwavering elation. One of Luna's eyebrows had risen when she took notice of a detail up on stage that something of Benny's had also risen. She repressed her snickers over this unintentional comic relief in an otherwise dark and serious scene; was her sister really that good at kissing, or was she turning a Shakespearean tragedy into pornography?
Finally, the on-stage Juliet had pulled away from her deceased Romeo and proclaimed, "Yea, noise? Then, I'll be brief!"
Juliet/Luan took hold of the rubber dagger that was discarded on the floor of the stage and held it up before her, which prompted Rita to shield Lily's tender, innocent eyes, to spare her any potential and probable trauma of seeing one of her big sisters stab herself to death – even if it was only make believe.
"O, happy dagger! This is thy sheath; then rust, and let me die!"
A blood-curdling scream erupted from Juliet/Luan when she had driven the rubber blade straight into her heart; the only thing that could have made this scene better to Lucy's critique was that if, somehow, fake blood could spill its way down Juliet's chest, as she swayed on uneven footing before she dropped dead atop of her Romeo, joining him in the afterlife.
To thunderous applause and cheers, the curtains closed on Royal Woods High's production of Romeo & Juliet; there were very few dry eyes in the auditorium that evening, even Mrs. Bernardo continually wiped mascara-filtered tears away from her eyes as she watched her thespians line up along the edge of the stage, hand-in-hand, to take their bows when the curtains opened up once again.
A beaming Luan and Benny locked eyes with one another as they squealed in unison, "We did it!"
Indeed, they did it. Playing the parts of Oberon and Titania in A Midsummer Night's Dream was undoubtedly a fun experience, but playing Romeo and Juliet gave both of them a rewarding sense of accomplishment. Benny was delighted that this evening had gone so completely smoothly with no problems, especially the kiss between he and Luan, his on and off stage Juliet; he definitely felt like this was the greatest night of his life, and was so very much proud of the both of them. In Luan's case, part of her had also hoped that this would outshine and overshadow her previous association of being known throughout the school as the ass fairy.
This was not just Benny and Luan's achievement, either, as out in the audience, a pair of little red-headed dummies who occupied a seat among the proud Loud family seemed to believe that there was a new horizon ahead of them as well.
"Well, Mrs. Appleblossom, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship," said Mr. Coconuts to his new companion.
A startled Lola gasped in frightened confusion and queried, "Who said that?!"
Not only did Luan feel a sense of accomplishment, the rest Loud family was very much blown away with her gut-wrenching performance as Juliet, as the lot of them shared their reviews and feedback with her during their van ride home after the play's conclusion.
"You were so literally amazing, Luan!" Lori raved.
"Yeah, I didn't think you could pull off a dramatic role like that, but you did a great job!" Lincoln added with a pair of thumbs up.
"I must confess, I, too, had my doubts about your abilities to reach into a deeper, darker side of yourself in order to play this role," said Lucy. "But, you have once again proven there is a lot more to you than just being a clown."
"Yeah, dude," agreed Luna. "You really oughta consider branchin' out more!"
"Oh, but I'm deeply rooted in comedy," rebutted Luan with a chuckle.
"Your sister's got a point, honey," said Lynn, Sr. as he drove his family for home. "Some of the funniest comedians in show-biz have played some convincingly dramatic roles in their careers."
It was then that Luan decided to bring Mr. Coconuts into the conversation, as he, surprisingly, seemed to go along with the point that her father had just made...
"Yeah, doll, remember how you were blown outta the water when Joanie Sassafras guested on S.U.V.?"
How could Luan forget that? Her comedy idol, Joanie Sassafras, had made a guest-appearance on the widely popular crime drama, Law & Order: S.U.V., in which she played the deranged, jilted fiancé of a filthy rich tycoon, and in retaliation for standing her up before their wedding, she stole his most prized possession, which happened to be his S.U.V., and literally drove herself to a watery demise off of the Brooklyn Bridge. To watch Joanie Sassafras in such a role had nearly scarred Luan for life – she had no idea Ms. Sassafras could be so dark, so delusional, so deranged; it was sincerely disturbing to the young comedienne to see her comedy idol in such a light.
"Thanks, Mr. C., for triggering one of my repressed memories," grumbled Luan.
"The point we're trying to make, honey, is, sure, comedy may be what you're really into, and there's nothing wrong with that," continued Lynn, Sr. "But, it really couldn't hurt you to broaden your horizons - it could even be in your best interest."
"Yeah, trust me, even in pageant circles, they want more than just one-trick ponies," said Lola.
"We've seen you're very much capable of playing both comedy and drama, Luan," added Lori. "You could really go places if you branch out in other directions."
"Yeah, like mud wrestling!" Lana suggested; though her suggestion, for the most part, seemed to have fallen on deaf ears, it sounded appealing for Lynn, Jr. to consider giving a try.
"You got so much talent, dude," Luna pointed out of the sister whom she knew best. "You shouldn't waste it!"
"Well, I have to admit, it did feel surprisingly cathartic to challenge myself in a new area like this," said Luan. "And after tonight, the end results were very rewarding."
"Keep expanding and adding to your repertoire, honey," suggested Rita. "Like we said, the more you challenge yourself, the more you could discover what you're capable of offering the world."
"Even Tom Bergeron said this," explained Mr. Coconuts. "'Don't just settle; grow or go.' How else do ya think he went from a mime to TV host? Ya can't broadcast a mime; too much dead air!"
"You know, maybe you guys are right," surmised Luan. "I'm definitely going to enroll in drama again next semester; who knows what sort of productions Mrs. B. will have planned for us?"
"Maybe something where we can understand what you're saying," suggested Leni. "Because I def have no idea what language you guys were speaking in the play."
"Um, Leni?" Lori addressed her clueless sister. "That was literally English they were speaking…"
"Specifically, Early Modern English; otherwise known as Elizabethan English," specified Lisa. "Although, it has been commonly mistaken by many a literary scholar that Shakespeare had written his material in Old English, or even Early English, which, I am sure probably sounds as such to the uncultured ears of today's contemporaries. As Astor Clement once said, 'William Shakespeare spent a lifetime perfecting something that you could butcher in seconds.'"
As Vanzilla continued to drive off into the night in route for the Loud House, back at Royal Woods High, Coach Rubiner stepped into the boys' locker room to address his players who still felt the sting of having been beaten by the Fern Valley Feral Voles who had overtaken the Rocket Squirrels by a mere two points in the fourth and final quarter.
"Well, men… I know this wasn't exactly what we had in mind… we've won more than half our battles this season, but we've lost our war…" he said while the players were in the process of removing their uniforms and other components from their persons. "It's a disappointment, yes… but I'm still very proud of your efforts, I know you men played your hearts out there and gave it your all tonight, just like you have been every Friday night; as your coach, I couldn't ask for anything more."
Even in spite of the little motivational speech the coach had delivered, it still did very little to lift his players' spirits after their season had just ended with them going out with a thud instead of a bang.
"Football season may be over now, but we've still got more ahead of us, like basketball season," he reminded them. "So, if anyone of you wants to sign up, you've got till winter break to do so."
The players' upset from their major loss was far too overwhelming for them to feel any sort of excitement or anticipation for the upcoming basketball season that was to begin with the start of the following semester; Coach Rubiner could see this, though in spite of his best efforts to alleviate their disappointment, he did understand how they felt: these were very competitive and passionate young men, it went without saying that they felt that all of their hard work during this season was all for naught, though he felt confident that they would work just as hard to play their hearts out during the winter basketball season in the months to come.
"Alright, men, get some sleep; see you Monday," he bode to them as he stepped out of the locker room, just as Ruby arrived on the scene to wait for Spencer as had been the custom between the two since he returned to the sports club several weeks ago.
The faulty pneumatic hinge of the door leading in and out of the locker room resulted in an occasion of it not being able to shut completely closed, which allowed for the Indian girl to overhear the conversation that took place from within – a conversation that her boyfriend had plenty of input to share.
"I know we could've won tonight, I just know we could've…" stressed Spencer.
"We were excellente in the first half, then it all just went muy loco from there," grumbled Horatio.
"Well, what went wrong out there?" Carlton asked.
"Yeah, I mean, honestly, Spence, you seemed really off your game tonight, man," said Brandon.
"Yeah, we didn't feel like you were pulling your own weight out there tonight," another burly lineman pointed out.
"I definitely felt more pressure in the second half than I would've liked," quarterback Sullivan chimed in.
"Well, maybe I could've been on top of my game better if somebody had actually paid attention out there tonight," said Spencer.
"Que pasa, what are you talkin' about, man?" Horatio asked.
"Ruby!" Spencer said.
Her eyebrows shot up in dismay upon hearing her name uttered like that from outside.
"Man, what does Ruby have to do with this?" Carlton asked.
"She completely threw me off tonight," explained Spencer.
"What, you think she was secretly rooting for Fern Valley, or somethin'?" Horatio asked.
"I don't think she was rooting for anybody," huffed Spencer. "She was too distracted to even watch the game that it distracted me!"
Spencer's deductive reasoning that his inability to perform to the best of his abilities was directly affected by his girlfriend's disinterest in the game seemed a might pathetic to some his teammates and amusing to others, which prompted some additional ribbing from some of them.
"Uh oh, sounds like the sizzle from Spencer's good-luck charm is startin' to fizzle, yo," quipped Carlton.
"She certainly wasn't a good-luck charm tonight, that's for sure," grumbled Spencer. "Or, our last couple of games, either."
"Guess the sparks are dying between you," surmised Carlton.
"Tough tortillas, man," said Horatio.
"Yeah, at least the rest of us have gals who still watch us," quipped Brandon.
"Hey, she watches, just like the rest of your gals," insisted Spencer. "That's why Ruby's out there every day after school, and every Friday night; she knows the importance of showing up in moral support for her guy…"
"Unless she's just not that into you," teased Horatio.
"Of course she is," argued Spencer. "You guys have seen for yourselves, wherever I go, whatever I do, she's right by my side. I've practically got her in my hip pocket!"
Locker room talk aside, Ruby had felt as though Spencer had not only stabbed her in the back, but also impaled her through the heart and out of her chest. She had heard the old saying that the truth hurts, but now she actually understood what that meant, because knowing the truth that Spencer's appreciation for her was non-existent had really hurt, and in the moment, she no longer had any desire to wait up for the boy who had just aired his own truth that she was nothing more to him than a good-luck charm.
As certain spectators, such as other players' girlfriends, friends, and other such groupies had gradually begun to converge and congregate outside this outer exit of the locker room just as the players themselves began to emerge, Ruby, instead, turned and stormed off in the opposite direction. With most everyone else still in dour spirits after the Rocket Squirrels' disappointing season ender, her premature departure went virtually unnoticed, except for when Spencer stepped out of the locker room and caught a glimpse of his girlfriend's backside disappear in the distance.
"HEY! RUBES!" He attempted to call out to her. "WHERE'RE YOU GOIN'?"
"So much for havin' her in your hip pocket," said Carlton as he met up with his cheerleader girlfriend, Brittany.
Trailing behind the crowd was Tiffany, and even though her main intention was to meet up with her boyfriend, Brandon, and offer the requisite condolensce over their evening's loss, she took notice of the red-faced Indian girl storming away and she did not look the least bit happy. What was this all about? Just before she was about to pass by, Tiffany stepped aside to address her.
"Whoa, Rubes, you okay?" Tiffany asked.
"I am, like, so outta here!" Ruby huffed as she brushed past the little redhead.
Tiffany grabbed Ruby by the bend of her arm to stop and inquire of her what had lead to this sudden change in her mood.
"Wait, Rubes, what's wrong?" She asked. "What happened?"
"I just wanna go home," strained Ruby as she pulled herself away from Tiffany's grasp.
"Huh... I know sports aren't really your thing, but I didn't think you'd get this upset over tonight's game..." said Tiffany.
"It's not the game!" Ruby continued to strain. "It's the whole thing!"
Tiffany was left terribly confused as she further asked, "What are you talking about?"
"You know what Spencer just said about me in the locker room?!" Ruby posed.
"You were in the locker room with him?" Tiffany asked with a puzzled look on her face.
"NO!" Ruby wailed at what she thought was a stupid question. "But I heard everything he said in there! You know why he's had me sitting out in those bleachers all these weeks?! To be a freakin' good-luck charm! You know why he's been dragging me around with him everywhere he goes?! To be a little trophy!"
Tiffany did seem quite stunned to learn that what was clear to anybody else as being an unhealthy relationship was actually far worse.
"This is why I stopped hanging out with my friends?! This is why I literally rearranged my whole freakin' life for him?!" Ruby continued to wail. "I tried my best to be a good girlfriend and support him! It was never about moral support! It was never about being a good girlfriend! All I've been to him was a freakin' good-luck charm he can stuff in his hip pocket and parade around in front of his buds like... I'm part of his... macho image!"
Tiffany grimmaced over Ruby's emotionally-charged rant; even she could see that the relationship between she and Spencer was not as healthy as it could or should have been, but little did she know that only the surface had been scratched, and that what had been underlying all of this was far worse and uglier than anyone on the outside could have concluded.
"I could've been in a nice, warm auditorium watching my friends from theater do Romeo & Juliet," muttered Ruby as she resumed her trek away from the playing field, while Tiffany followed closely behind. "But, noooo! I had to sit on a cold, hard bleacher for three hours for Spencer again, because I thought I was being a good girlfriend!"
"Ruby, wait..." said Tiffany as she pulled the broken Indian girl aside.
She was not in the best of moods already, but after the unexpected twist of what had just happened, she felt all the worse about everything - including herself; she certainly was in no mood to carry on with this discussion.
"Look, Tiff..." she sighed. "I'm cold, I'm tired, my ass hurts, I don't wanna be here anymore... I just wanna go home..."
Perfectly understandable, and Tiffany fully intended to comply with Ruby's desire, however, she had one last thing she wanted to say: "Ruby... this has to stop... you can't keep letting Spencer do this to you... you don't deserve any of his bullcrap; you're a person whose self worth is way more than whatever he holds you to..."
Tiffany's benevolence made Ruby actually feel like a person as opposed to an object for the first time in weeks; by now, Ruby had finally reached a mental and emotional shutdown, despite her desperation to fight it.
"Let it all out, Rubes..." said Tiffany as she placed her hand onto Ruby's back. "Don't bottle it up any longer; just let it out..."
By now, the tears did finally start to flow from Ruby's eyes, while Tiffany wrapped her arms around her in consolation, not only to further encourage her to let it all out, but also encourage her to finally call it off with Spencer, once and for all.
How about that? Two stabbings for the price of one... though, while Luan's stabbing was make believe, Ruby's stabbing, while metaphoric, was all too real... poor girl... are things about to get even uglier between America's Sweethearts?
Also, yes, I am aware that even Lana and Lola have had their share of romantic interests just like the rest of their siblings, but honestly, this seems quite unrealistic for children their age, which is why I had them recoil in disgust over believing Luan now has cooties from kissing Benny instead.