Disclaimer: I don't own anything from Ladder 49; lyrics are Illume by Stevie Nicks.

Chapter 1

Linda Morrisson sat on her couch limply, exhausted beyond anything she had felt before. She had just endured 4 hours of her husband, Jack's funeral. He was a firefighter, so of course it had been a big event. Hundreds of people had come up to her and embraced her, most of them complete strangers, and given her their condolences. She hadn't really been paying much attention all day. She was in an alternate, trying to avoid thinking about what would have to happen next. Financially, she was worried. She had been a stay at home mom since her son Nicky was born 9 years ago, and Jack had been the one working. She had been given all the support from the fire department, and she understood that they were really willing to help her in anyway she needed it. But it wasn't much of a compensation for Jack. What would she give to turn back time 3 days, and insist that her husband was looking too sick to go to work, and keep him home until it was safe to go back. She sighed. It wouldn't have worked. Jack was never sick; besides, he was so committed to his job. And even if he had stayed home, someone would have had to take his place, and they most likely would have been taken from the flames as well, someone else's family would be hurting, and she would have to comfort them just like they were comforting her now.

For a minute, she resented the fact that Jack hadn't accepted the help his fellow firefighters had been offering him. He told them all to evacuate and leave him inside. Why hadn't he put up a bigger fight, bowing down only when he had no other choice to. Didn't he know that he was leaving her by herself to raise two kids, to live without him, the love of her life? How could he just give up like that? Then she remembered the message Captain Mike Kennedy had passed on to her, from Jack right before his co-workers, his friends, his brothers left the building without her. Jack had asked Mike to tell her that he loved her, from the moment he saw her. Her mind wandered back to the day she first laid eyes on her future husband. It had been on his first day on the job. They were both grocery shopping, her with her roommate and best friend, Lisa Williams, him with another firefighter. The group arranged a double date. She smiled softly as she remembered Jack that day: really sweet, and nervous, and trying really hard to impress her. It was the cutest thing ever, but she had no idea that all this would happen. How many grocery-store-romances actually worked out?

I'm alone now

With my thoughts

How we could make it

How we could get out

What we'd been through, and all of the trauma

"Mommy?" let out a small voice.

"Katie, come her. What's the matter? You can't sleep?" asked Linda gently.

"No. I miss daddy," replied the small five year old, curling into her mother's still dress pant-adorned lap.

"I know baby. I do too. It will be alright, though, don't worry. Where are Nicky and Grandma?"

"Nicky's in his room, and Grandma told me I could come see you. She's folding some laundery."

"That's good. Come on, do you want some warm milk before you go to bed," offered Linda as she led her small daughter to the kitchen.

"Okay. Can I sleep with you tonight, mommy?"

"Sure. Here you go," said Linda as she handed over the cup of milk. She noticed that Katie was struggling to fight sleep, and her eyelids kept dropping for seconds at a time. She scooped the little girl up and carried her to the bedroom, easing the now sleeping girl under the covers and tucking them all round her as if a nice blanket could protect her from everything. Then she peeked in Nicky's room. Her son was also curled up in his bed, but she could tell that he was far from finding any rest. His back to her, she could easily see the slight, even movement at his side and a sobbing sound was being muffled by a pillow. It broke her heart to see her kids like this. She sat on his bed beside him, and placed her hand on his shoulder.

"Hey there," she greeted him, trying (and failing) to sound cheerful.

"Mom," was all he said, all he needed to say.

"Want to keep me company in my bed? Katie is already asleep there."

Nicky didn't say anything, just crawled out of his bed, grabbed the teddy bear he hadn't touched for a year, and walked to her room. Linda had a feeling he had wanted to do that all evening, but was too proud to admit that he needed his mother. So she had made it more about her needing him than him needing her.

Linda found her mother in the kitchen, watering some plants. Although they had never been close, Linda had called her mother when Jack died, and asked her if she would help her for a few days. She had obliged without another word between them and came as soon as she could.

"I'm going to bed, mom. You don't have to stay up and do all my chores for me. The kids are sleeping in my bed," spoke Linda.

"That's good. You all need your rest. I'm just going to finish this here up and then I'll head up too. Goodnight."

"Goodnight," returned a sleepy Linda. She turned around and was about to head out the door when she faced her mother again. "Thank you for helping me out like this."

"You're more than welcome."

Linda climbed the stairs, stepped in the bathroom to brush her teeth. She shuddered as she saw Jack's toothbrush still in it's holder. There were so many little things belonging to Jack in this house, and she kept stumbling across them. She looked up in the mirror and had trouble identifying the reflection as her own. Had she really aged that much in 3 days? She looked further. She was a completely different person. She, Linda was a widow now. She lost her husband. To a fire. Stupid, dumb, useless fire. How many lives, homes, families had it torn up in it's past?

As she climbed in her bed, she gazed lovingly at her two sleeping children, tucked in their blankets, as peaceful as little angels. Now without a dad. It wasn't fair at all that these two innocent children would have to deal with having to tell people that their dad is gone whenever someone asks. Linda reasoned with herself. Thousands of people lost one's they loved to many evil causes, like diseases, hatred, and fire. And they dealt with it. It was sad and unfair, but there must be a reason. Why would so many people have to go through so much pain if there was no reason for it. As she kissed each sleeping child on the forehead, she knew that she would be raising them herself. She might accept a little help now and then, but she would not stand to have her mother move in and raise her children, the kids she gave birth to, that Jack had helped her feed and play with. They were her children, not anyone else's except her and Jack's. She rested her head, and although she was far from falling asleep, despite how exhausted she was, she let herself wander, her mind just thinking and rethinking the fact that Jack was gone. He was gone and was not coming back, until eventually her mind was able to somewhat process that.

I cannot pretend that the heartache falls away

Oh it's like a river, it's never ending

I cannot pretend that the heartache falls away

Cause it's just like a river, it's never-ending

It's just like a river, It's never-ending