Out of Time

AvalonReeseFanFics

A/N: So here we are, we're going to see what Arthur and the others doing now that Addison is dead. I told you guys this is going to be angsty but we only have three more chapters and then we're back to the episodes where I will try to make things a little happier. As always if you'd like to be in the shoutouts please review, follow or fav and I'll put you in when I post next Thursday!

Shoutouts: MaidensTouchOfMadness, Guest, AlbeeLane, Evilhyperpixie13, Dorisangel, ch4tt3rb0x, and Kiwicoco2306

Chapter 43: Out of Depression

In the month or so after Addison's death Arthur rode to each and every place that he promised he'd take her to one day.

Starting with the great Stones of Nemeton. Where he just stood there, taking in the giant stones and actually attempted to answer all the questions he figured Addison would ask. Though he didn't know the answers to any of them so really he just said: "I don't know," to the air like twenty times. And well… to be fair, he was feeling pretty lost at that point.

Then he went to the western Isles to walk along every beach he could find. This was done because Addison had always moaned about how she wanted to go on something called a beach holiday with real sun and alcoholic drinks with umbrellas.

He toured different kingdoms, both allied with Camelot and not. He stopped at every fair he saw, for Addison always loved the fair, and he stupidly bought a trinket for her from each one. But who would he give those trinkets too once he got home? But that didn't stop him from buying a new one the next time he saw a fair. A little something he knew would have put a smile on her face.

Arthur had largely given up on himself. He had stopped shaving, which meant he had grown that patchy reddened beard she had hated so much. Sometimes he forgot to eat, he couldn't remember when the last time he bathed was, but he never forgot to drink. Sometimes he was certain that, though he was brine soaked down to the very soul, it was the only thinking keeping him alive against the great chasm of pain that taken up residence in his chest.

Many thought him to be a wandering knight for even in his grieving stupor he was always riding off to rescue the helpless. He never took payment… or well… he never took more than they could afford to give him, in fact one would say he took a lot less. He still had the bag of seed that was given to him by one village in return for slaying a beast that was eating their crops. He wasn't sure what he was going to do with it, but his horse was still carrying its weight.

When he had done all he had thought to do, when a month's distance and a month's soaked in ale and mead had done nothing to heal his wounded heart, Arthur did what he had to do. He returned to Camelot.

Not for his father, not for his kingdom or his people. But to try and see Addison one last time

No one was the same after Addison died.

Morgana's nightmares went from every so often to every night. Gwen was prone to tears if reminded of Addison and for the first few weeks everything reminded her of Addison. Merlin found himself chasing echoes of her, only to find them to be nothing but that, echoes. Her voice on the wind, a maid wearing their hair the way Addison did, pieces of a sky-blue disappearing around corners. None of them lead Merlin to her but instead disappointment.

They all thought, once Arthur left the castle, Uther would take apart the room he had given her. He had gone into it, of course, but he hadn't done anything. He simply went in, came out some time later and then locked the door. No one had been allowed to go in since. Not even to clean. The room just sat gathering dust as if waiting for someone to return, either Addison or Arthur, they weren't sure.

It was just so unlike Uther to do that. But he too had been changed by this. For the first time he seemed almost too lenient with his punishments. He hadn't executed anyone, or even threatened to execute anyone in months. One would have almost thought the man was grieving. But what did he have to grieve? He was the one who had her head taken off of her body.

Merlin sat at the table with Gaius on the morning of what marked a month of an Addison-less existence. In all honesty nothing had really changed. Life in the castle had gone on as if Arthur and Addison were both still there. The only difference was how they felt. And they felt like a big part of them was missing.

Like who would have thought they'd miss being woken up in the morning by Addison singing? Or miss having Arthur boss him around?

They were quietly eating when Gaius suddenly said: "She'd…"

And then he just stopped. He just stopped and seemingly caught his breath because even he got a little misty when he thought of Addison.

"She'd hate this," he finally finished.

Merlin looked around at the small rooms that had not changed and then back to the man across form him uncertain what he meant by that.

"She'd hate that we're still mourning her."

Would she though? It had only been a month, did mourning really have a time period? But Gaius had a point. Addison would be livid. Unreasonably so. She'd want them to be happy, she'd want them to live for her. She would have been so angry to come back and find them like this.

And coming to that realization gave him an idea. So, he smiled at Gaius thanked him for the genius idea and then ran off to find his friends.

Arthur had made it back to Camelot and had pitched up camp by the lake by mid-day. He had picked the lake because it was Addison's final resting place and she had appeared to him here once before so maybe, if he really wished for her, she'd appear again.

While he was setting up camp, pitching the tent, getting his campfire ablaze so he could cook his meal of the day, he found himself talking to Addison, just little comments here and there.

But it wasn't until he was waiting for his rabbits to cook and he started drinking again that he started talking to her like she was sitting on the shore beside him.

He was just sitting there, feet in the water. He had his wine skin in one hand and the trinkets he had gotten her in the other.

He was lifting them up as if he was showing them to her.

At that moment he had a tiny little rock between his fingers. "I got this from Nemeton's Stones," he said. Then he went to the smaller trinkets. "These I picked from fairs for you. All these blue and green and purple hair ribbons that would have been amazing in your hair."

He looked at them, then picked up the stone again. He then tossed it at the water.

"But you know what?" he asked the ghost of her sitting beside him. "You're not here! Are you? You didn't go with me when you should have."

He picked up the hair accessories, lumbered to his feet and began to hurl them into the water.

"Why didn't you run! You idiot!" he shouted at the water. "Why didn't you… You should be here with me! I promised you that nothing would… you promised you'd always be there. Well where are you now, Addison? Huh? You're dead! You're dead and I'm alone and…"

He stopped, his voice cracking but the wine skin was gone and he wasn't sure if it had dropped or if he had thrown it.

"I loved you and now what am I supposed to do? Huh? What do I do Addison? How am I supposed to go on without you?"

He was wading into the water now, like he had last time when her spectral vision had come to sing to him.

"Where are you!" he howled to the night sky. "Come back! Do that ghost thing you did and come back to me!"

But nothing came and soon Arthur found himself swimming first across the lake to where he was certain her boat went down and then he was swimming down. Maybe if he swam far enough he'd find the remnants of her boat. He didn't even care if he drowned down there with her. He just wanted to see her one last time. So, he kept swimming towards the golden hazy glow at the bottom, his heart yearning for Addison.

Uther was having nightmares nightly much like Morgana but his nightmares were something completely different.

He dreamed of Addison, of her throwing curses and accusations at him like pointed daggers. Her melodical voice singing that she would never forgive him. In this lifetime or any other.

He dreamed of his son's stricken face, tears streaming down his cheeks. His broken screams of I loved her swirling around him. The knowledge that his son would never forgive him too haunting him.

He dreamed of his beloved wife and her anger at dooming their son to a broken-hearted existence much like his own.

He regretted it now. Killing her. He should have just let his son have her. But he had been blinded by tradition and fear. Now a month had gone by and he still missed waking up to her singing and his son's face at the banquet table. He still had Morgana eating with him, but she could scarcely look at him let alone speak to him. Not even Gaius looked at him the same anymore.

It would serve him right, of course, to have his son never return. To lose Camelot's heir over his own foolishness and selfishness.

So when he heard whisperings of the staff holding a party in the late Adison's honour, he didn't send someone to squash it. He sent someone to find out where they were going to hold it.

They chose to do it in the room he had given Addison. He acted none-the-wiser when Morgana chose to speak to him for the first time since the execution. She only chose to speak to him as he had the key and she wanted to steal it from him. Still he let her think that she got away with it.

Morgana's handmaid had dusted and adorned the place with candles, but she left everything the way Addison had least left it. Much like he had the one time he had gone in there

As if they were all waiting for Addison to come back.

When the party was ready the only three people invited all came in. He had hovered in the shadows and then stood by the door listening to them. They all had small cakes with blue frosting, just like the ones Addison used to make for birthdays, and they were trading stories.

"I remember…" Gwen started softly. "The first Christmas she was here. She set the boughs on fire because one of the Lords was trying to accost me and her. And then he was throttling Arthur after he tried to intervene. The whole south wing went up in Flames. Uther was furious she damaged the castle."

Yes, he had been.

"Arthur was terrified it was the first time she showed her powers. I swore I'd never tell anyone what I saw because she had only stepped up to protect me."

Well… so she was showing her powers as early as the first year she had been here. And Arthur had known. See, had he known this maybe he might have realized sooner that his son was in love with her.

He might have killed her sooner so maybe it was a good thing he hadn't found out.

"I remember," Morgana said. "I remember Uther hearing about this singer, singing in our taverns. Voice of a thrush people were saying and he wanted her for a celebration we were having but he couldn't find her. So, he shows up at a tavern one night and finds Addison singing. And that's how he found out that she was getting out of her cell."

They all laughed and even Uther managed the barest of chuckles.

"He was so mad. He changed the guard schedules to keep her from escaping but she was out and about the next week and there was nothing he could do about."

And try as he might, there really wasn't any way for him to stop her. Though, she never left the castle and she always went back to her cell. So it wasn't like she was trying to escape she just went for walks, as she used to call them.

Merlin was next. "The first day I met Addison she faked an injury to escape Arthur after I pissed him off. Still ended up in the dungeon, but it was worth it to see the look on Arthur's face when she took him down and then took off."

Yes, he bet that was funny. For a moment the three were quiet as if telling those stories just reminded them of how much they missed her. Then Merlin picked up his small cake and put a small candle in it.

"You guys wanna do the wishes now?"

The two girls nodded, picking up their own small cakes to put their own small candles in it. They then took turns lighting their candles. When everyone was done, they stared at each other for a moment.

"Okay… I wish…" Gwen started getting a bit misty. "I wish that it didn't hurt and that wherever she is now, she's not suffering."

"I wish that she ended up back at home," Morgana said.

"I hope… I wish I mean... I wish that if she did get to go back home… that she's happy."

Then the three softly blew out their candles and Uther found that he could watch this no longer. He turned and left them to their sad party. He went to the kitchens and got his own small cake that he frosted on his own and stuck a candle in.

He took the cake up to his room. He shut the door behind him and made absolutely certain he was alone before he lit the candle and then stared at it.

"Addison… if you can hear me… I wish that you went home, I wish that you're happy and I wish… I wish you knew how much I wish I could change things."

He blew the candle out waited for a sign that maybe she had heard him. But he didn't get it until he fell asleep and dreamed of Addison standing, knee deep in the water of lake, eating her small cake. Smiling for the first time since the nightmares started.

The following morning, he loaded up a basket of small cakes and headed to the lake.