I hereby dedicate this little piece of fiction to Sarah, AKA Sarafu the Great.
/Ode to Fan Fiction/
You wake up in the morning and get out of bed
And click on a link in a long forum thread
You surf through the bowels of fan fiction dot net
Deleting expletives that rise in your head
You see a young fangirl slash you with Arthur
Should you Crucio her? Or Avada Kedavra?
Oh, what in the world can a Death Eater do?
Oh, Merlin on acid, now you're pregnant, too!
You click on another one and scratch your hiney
Wondering why you're in love with Hermione.
Apparently Harry is your long lost son
In an alternate future where Voldemort won.
Another girl claims that you fancied Lily.
Oh dear. Can't they see how that notion is silly?
They vindicate you though you're guilty as sin
That just proves that fangirls were born in a bin!
You meet an off character self in due time
Surprised that all he does is bitch,moan and whine.
Apparently you're a nice guy deep inside
And under your bed fluffy white slippers hide.
The descriptors they use are nothing but hideous
When did your eyes turn from black to obsidian?
Instead of a big nose you have Fawkes' beak
And even the walls seem to melt when you speak.
Oh, when will it stop? Will this madness end?
They tell you that Bella is your ex girlfriend.
The last fic you read just ties up all your woes:
It's called "The Sexual Uses of a Huge Roman Nose".