Out of Time
AvalonReeseFanFics
A/N: Happy Thursday my wonderful readers, so here we are the last filler chapter before we go into season two. We're going to be ending off here with Arthur and his final decision. This is probably going to be the last of the really over emotional ones but it's still going to be a little angsty while they're figuring everything out. As always, don't forget to Fav or follow or review and I'll see you guys next Thursday.
Shoutouts: Guest and ChristinaCay
Chapter 46: Out of Respite
When Arthur resurfaced it was to the sun was cresting above the trees, regular real-world trees and a regular real-world sun in a regular real-world sky. It was very clearly mid day, he had been gone in that place, underwater, with Addison all night.
But now he was alone.
He was once again Addison-less, but this time, it didn't hurt as much as it had before. Now that he had talked to her, made love to her, finally got to say a proper good-bye to her. It was like he had gotten proper closure and though, in his heart he knew he'd never love anyone the way he had loved her, he knew he'd survive this ache. He would live on.
He swam himself to shore, wading out of the water noting that his fire had died. There weren't even embers in the ashes, though he could see the charred remains of the rabbits he had been roasting.
There'd be nothing to eat until he hunted but he was too weary to hunt. The tiredness of his nomadic living seemed to run all the way down to his bones. And it was like now, now that he wasn't holding onto the ache in his chest, the mourning for a love lost, the weight of everything else had come to press down on him.
He wasn't just heartsick. He was homesick, he was hungover, and hungry. And now he was completely exhausted.
He should go home.
Did he want to see his father? No. Was he certain that he might still kill his father upon sight? Yes. But he missed Camelot. He missed his bed and breakfast being brought to him. He missed teasing Morgana and bossing around Merlin. He missed how Gwen always had a kind thing to say to him, even when he didn't deserve it.
He wanted to go home to them. He was sure that they too were mourning Addison and it was rather selfish of him to run off when they were no doubt just as hurt as he was. When they needed him as much he had needed them.
He'd have to figure out what he was going to do soon. He couldn't just camp out on the outskirts of his city. Someone would see him and then his father would think him destitute and too proud to come back when that wasn't true.
I am the voice in the wind and the pouring rain. I am the voice of your hunger and pain. I am the voice that always is calling you. I am the voice, I will remain.
Arthur stopped what he was doing and straightened. He turned to the sound, the hauntingly beautiful voice drifting along the wind. How could he not? He knew Addison's voice anywhere.
But why was hearing it now? He looked around, he wasn't in that otherworld again was he? He really had left, hadn't he? It didn't look like the other place, the afterlife he had fallen into. It looked like the regular old world, but what if he was dreaming?
Was it really that bad of a dream if it brought Addison back to him?
Without a second thought Arthur turned, his body pivoting to where he knew in his heart his Addison could be found, and then disappeared into the underbrush. On a silent, desperate quest to find her again.
This was stupid. Completely and utterly foolish.
But Uther didn't stop walking.
He walked out of the castle, out of the city, out to the lake. Why? Yes, why, he kept asking himself. Why was he doing this to himself? Lighting a stupid candle on a stupid small cake wasn't going to right this wrong. It wouldn't bring Addison back. Wouldn't bring his son back. Wouldn't change a single thing.
But he did it anyway.
For a moment he stood there with that small cake in his hands and the little candle's flame flickering in the wind and he just stared at it. Was he really going to do this?
Yes.
"I wish… I wish that I could tell you how sorry I am."
And then he blew out the candle.
And the second that candle blinked out of life someone appeared across from him.
Addison.
He had heard that Addison had appeared at her own funeral, above the lake, looking ghostly and spectral and beautifully wrapped in an otherworldly glow. She might not have been in a white dress, but he could tell that she was not of this world.
She had her long black hair back. It was plaited and hanging over one of her shoulders. She looked much as she always did except she was dressed, much like a boy. Blue pants of a strange course material and a simple black tee-shirt. She was standing only a few feet away from him, standing on the water as if it were the ground.
And, as always, she was singing.
I am the voice of the past that will always be, filled with my sorrow and blood in my fields. I am the voice of the future. Bring me your peace, bring me your peace and my wounds, they will heal.
For a moment Uther just listened to her, listened to her sing, watched her as it seemed that she was unaware that he was there. Then he heard the rustling in the underbrush and he straightened. Great, he was about to be ambushed, in the bush, while this ghostly version of Addison sang to him.
Wasn't that just karma coming for him? It would be exactly what a miserably sod like him deserved.
But it wasn't an ambush per say. The person who walked out from behind those bushes didn't see him at first. His eyes were on Addison. And oh how the longing burned in his eyes.
Uther stared at his son taking in the differences between what he was seeing and what he had last seen. His son had a beard, patchy and scratchy, an auburn color from his mother's side of the family. His clothes were still in good condition, though dirty, his boots seemed worn but he didn't look scrawny or ill fed so he had been doing well while he was gone.
But there were bags under his eyes and Uther could tell that his sadness was affecting his son in other ways.
After a moment, where Arthur simply stared at Addison, his eyes flickered over to where Uther was standing watching him.
Uther waited but his son wouldn't look at him.
"You're back," he found himself whispering to him but Arthur's eyes stayed on Addison. That look of utter longing pained Uther to see.
Addison's ghost stopped singing and turned a smile to his son and immediately his whole face lit up.
"Hello Arthur," she said and then turned to Uther. "And Uther's there too, right?"
"Yes," Arthur breathed out. "Hello Addison."
She was looking at something else though and the way she said it… it made him feel like that she wasn't really there, she couldn't see them the way they could see her. Like this was an impression of her reaching out through time and space to find them. A letter written but projected in person.
She went back to singing and Uther turned to his son. He could tell that he had realized it too, that Addison couldn't see them, that this wasn't the same ghostly apparition that had appeared at her funeral a month ago. And the happiness slid right off his son's face and the sadness returned.
"I am so very sorry, Arthur."
The words had come out before Uther had realized he was talking. He was just as surprised as Arthur who turned to him for the first time, giving him his undivided attention for the first time since joining him on the shores.
No point in stopping now, might as well tell his son the truth for a change.
"I… I never should have… I wish she knew that… that I'm…"
"I do know," Addison said, her singing stopping again. They both turned to her but she wasn't really looking at them, her gaze was directed somewhere else. But Uther knew that the look of disappointed anger was directed at him.
"I just don't forgive you."
Arthur laughed at that while Uther stared at her.
"You killed me for selfish reasons, so I'll never forgive you," she said with a sniff of disdain. "But it's not all bad. It sent me home after all. It was just a dick move and you should feel bad."
"She's right," Uther told his son and then shot him a soft glance. "Do you think… you might… learn to forgive me though?"
Arthur paused. Unconsciously the two men had gotten into the same position, leaning back on their heels, arms crossed over their chests.
Arthur turned his eyes back to Addison who seemed to be twirling about dancing to unknown music.
"No," he finally said. He didn't even bother to look at his father, his eyes stayed on Addison lovingly caressing each of her features and movements, drinking it all in.
"Have you forgiven the people responsible for mother's death?"
Uther shook his head.
"Then why should I forgive you?"
He had a point, a point that Uther didn't have an argument for. Arthur turned his back on Addison and her swaying dancing, turned his back on his father clearly meaning to leave and then…
"You promised me, Arthur."
His son came to a stop and turned back to Addison. Uther turned too. The girl was no longer dancing but staring right at Arthur as if she could finally see him.
"You promised me you'd go back."
He did? When? Had his son been seeing ghostly figures of Addison and having conversations with her all the time? It would explain why he wasn't surprised to see her at the lake today.
"No… don't make me go back there without you. Please Addison, don't be cruel."
"But you promised me."
Pain flashed over Arthur's features. "I don't want to live there without you, around all those things that will remind you of me. I… I don't think I'm ready…"
"Oh don't be silly," Addison chided scowling at Arthur. "You have this bright future ahead of you, why waste it mourning me?"
"Because I love you."
Not past tense. He loved her. Still. Much like Uther still loved Ygraine. He really had turned his son into him.
"All the more reason to move forward."
Arthur looked away, his chest heaving, a scowl gracing his lips. He clearly didn't believe her, he didn't think this was true.
"Look… I know we already had this conversation but I'll say it again. I'm… I'm like dead," she told him. "Like really dead… like I'm not coming back from this kind of dead. I want you to be happy Arthur. And I know it's going to take a while, you're not just going to snap your fingers and feel better, but you have to at least try. Or you're going to end up like your dad."
Arthur shot Uther a glance and half scoffed at her. For a moment it looked like he might acquiesce to her demands.
Then Addison smiled. "And shave off that beard you look like a common ruffian."
Now that really made Arthur laugh but he still said nothing.
She then turned back to Uther's general direction. "I still don't forgive you."
"That's fair," he admitted and then Addison looked at something over her shoulder before turning back to both of the men on that shore.
"It's time for me to go, I'm afraid," she said and Uther turned back to Arthur and saw the desire to keep her there clear on his son's face. "Go home Arthur. Remember you promised."
"I know."
"Good-bye," she whispered and like when Uther blew out the candle she just winked out of existence, leaving them all alone by the lake.
Uther turned to Arthur and watched him sigh. As soon as she was gone the sorrow became more apparent. His shoulder's sagged, the smile that had sort of tugged at his lips were gone. It was like the second she winked away the light in Arthur died too.
For a moment they were quiet and then, without a single word, Arthur turned away. To go back the way he came.
"Wait…" Uther called and Arthur half turned to him. "Are you… I mean she told you to…"
"She's not here now, is she?" he asked and Uther lowered his gaze away from his son and sucked in a sharp breath to hide his disappointment. Arthur seemed to look at him for a little while longer and then sighed once more.
"I just… I can't… I can't go back there, to stew in the echoes of what was supposed to be mine," he whispered. "I'm not ready to face that yet, okay?"
And then before Uther could tell him that it was not okay, his son left him there standing by the lake.
God, what a mess he had made. How was he ever to fix this one?
Arthur stormed back to his camp, livid with Addison, livid with his father, livid with himself.
How dare his father invoke Addison. How dare he stand there and tell him he was sorry. Arthur didn't believe that. He wasn't sorry he killed Addison or caused Arthur terrible harm. He was sorry that it made Arthur leave, he was sorry that he didn't get his way, didn't end the way he thought it would.
He had promised Addison he'd return, but he hadn't said when he would. And he wasn't ready, he just wasn't. He couldn't go back to that castle and live with just her memory. He just couldn't.
So the plan was to pack up his camp, get back on his horse and travel somewhere else. He'd have to go quick too because he wouldn't have put it past his father to send the guards to haul Arthur back to the castle. He started first by putting his boots on and it was there that he found it.
At the bottom of his boot was something cold and metallic. He took his boot off, put his hand down it and then pulled whatever it was out.
He had never seen something like it before.
It was golden circle with a long golden chain attached to it. It had a lion and a unicorn facing one another etched on the surface. It had a little prong that when he pushed revealed a strange white plate with numbers written along the edges going in a circle. It clicked in a rhythmic fashion, it had sticks, three of them, in different sizes. The thinnest one moved with each click. Of the other two, one was set to the number nine and one was between three and six. On the other side of the lid there was a braided strand of hair welded into place. Golden and black intertwined together, and in the middle of that circle was A + A and a heart.
Addison and Arthur.
Was this something she had left behind for him? Was it counting down to when he'd see her again? He didn't know.
Arthur instinctively closed the mechanism, and put it around his neck. As the cold metal settled on his chest, a strange sort of whisper came to him on the wind.
You promised.
He put a hand to that golden ticking medallion around his neck. Already it felt warmer against his skin. It also felt like those words came from it and with it came a sense of calm, a sense of acceptance, a sense readiness.
He had promised. He had promised to go home, he had promised Addison he'd try to move past this. And he was finally ready to try. He was finally ready to go home.