Ranma ½
Chapter 4
Tsukimaonichuan:Spring of Drowned Moon Cat
Disclaimer: I don't own this series or any other series. I am just floating an idea. I am making no money, nor plan to, off this venture. If you think of suing me over this, then grow up.
I would like to first personally thank all of those reviewing my stories. I enjoy reading your comments, and try to correct the grammatical errors I miss with my final read-through as well as my spell checkers. The suggestions you all make will help make this story better for everyone to enjoy, as well as allow my to fix some plot holes I may unintentionally leave.
If you like, please review, as well as let me know of any spelling errors. I will then re-upload this chapter when I do my next upload.
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I also plan to start sending these out to have someone else proofread them before I post them. Volunteers are welcome.
Now, on with the show.
Sailor Pluto was usually calm, cool, and collected.
But for the moment, she was wishing to be a little like Artemis right now...at least, in the way the male moon cat was piss drunk.
Before her sat the three Tendo sisters, the first three of the Outer Moon Senshi to ever exist.
You see, before the Great Fall, the scientists had been ordered by Queen Serenity to create a Mantel for her daughter, to allow the Princess to become the first Sailor Moon.
Well, it was originally supposed to be Sailor Luna, but it gave Luna the Moon Cat Advisor a swelled head, so it was changed to Sailor Moon.
Luna never did sit on the throne again and try to order people around.
But the doctors were able to remove the slipper Queen Serenity had lost when she buried it in Luna's ass.
Anyway, the order was given.
And as with any government order, it was delivered wrong after passing through 1,273 bureaucrats.
As a result, the scientists made Senshi Mantels for every moon.
Some of the chosen for this tasks and honors of becoming Senshi were even males. In fact, the one that came to mind was the delusional distant cousin of the current Queen Jupiter.
With any luck, Pluto was hoping he was not reborn.
Meanwhile, a certain Streaking Meteorite of the Kendo World sneezed, causing his sister's pet; Mr. Turtle, to start trying to eat him.
Anyway, she pulled the bottle from the now passed out advisor, hearing him mumble about his precious muses.
She had tried before, but like Luna, Artemis was a mean drunk.
But Kasumi was able to bandage Akane back up, while Pluto kept her from crushing Artemis for striking her like that.
Sighing, she looked over the girls. Of the three, only one had any current training in the Art, while the other two obviously had not taken it seriously for a while. And Akane seemed more likely to seek out and start a fight than try and prevent them.
Why does that seem familiar? Pluto tried to recall who Akane reminded her of.
In Japan, certain yet to be awoken Senshi of Jupiter and Uranus sneezed.
Shaking her head, she knew this was going to be a long day.
Ranma had been looking through stores for over three hours, trying to find what Minako had requested he buy for her for her fourteenth birthday. He had learned that soon, her father was going to be transferred back to Japan, and she really wanted her last birthday here to be a blast.
Ranma was happy to buy her something, as he had managed to get a part time job helping in some dojos. They lacked any techniques he could learn, but it felt nice to train people who didn't seek to have their way with you on a fairly regular basis.
Well, most of them didn't. But Bill would understand sooner or later that Ranma just didn't like him that way.
"Ah man, I'll never find it!"
"Can we help you?"
Ranma turned to see two sales associates before him, man and woman, with the nametags "John" and "Lynn". Well, maybe they can tell me where I can find this shirt. "Um, yeah. My girlfriend wanted me to get her this shirt for her birthday, but I've been looking everywhere, and I can't find one."
He handed Minako's note to them.
They looked at the note, to Ranma, to the note again, and back to Ranma. John decided to ask the question. "Sir, you do know what this is, right?"
"Of course, I ain't stupid!" exclaimed Ranma. "I mean, it has to be a shirt. But why she wants a Trojan brand shirt in extra large, I don't get. I mean, why would she need a shirt that big for?"
Lynn looked at him with astonishment. At first, she had thought he was nothing but a pervert playing a joke on them. If he was, she was going to take him to her home, tie him up, and spank him until he asked his Mistress for forgiveness.
But now, she knew he was merely uneducated about what his girlfriend had asked him to purchase.
That made her want him all the more. "So you think these Trojans are shirts?"
"Well, I know they ain't sweats, because I know they wouldn't fit her. So, what else could they be if not clothes?"
The two clerks shook their heads; John wondering how this teenager's education in those things could be lacking this much, while Lynn was wondering how much effort she would need to get him to and secure him in her apartment.
"John, watch the store while I take our customer in the back and explain exactly what his girlfriend was wanting."
John knew he shouldn't, after all, Lynn had already scared off four regular customers, one was currently in the psych ward, talking about becoming a sock puppet.
But he'd be damned if he gave another man the sex talk.
An hour later, Ranma ran from the store, nearly knocking over John.
John went and checked the back, finding Lynn tied up, wearing a leather outfit, and growling about how the "wild horse would soon learn never to displease his new Mistress."
Ranma was already five blocks away, removing the last handcuff from his wrist. That's it! Now I know all girls are perverts! After he removed the last handcuff and tossed them into the trash, he readjusted his outfit and headed back home. He needed to talk to Minako about what exactly was a good touch and what was a bad touch.
Of course, Ranma's day was far from over.
When he returned home and stored his clothes away, changed back, he went downstairs to find some food.
He was forever scarred by what he saw. The horror! The HORROR!
Pluto had just finished explaining to the Tendo sisters about the past, the Moon Kingdom, the Great Fall, the return of Beryl, why Apple Jacks didn't taste like apples, who put the bop in the bop-shi-bop, and that yes, the egg did come before the chicken.
The chicken never did forgive the egg for that.
"Finally, Akane, you cannot expose your new abilities, no matter how much you want to deliver your "righteous justice to perverts everywhere."
"But...but..."
Nabiki just finished her pocky, retrieving a sucker, and began to think. "Could you please explain how this Moon Kingdom was born and yet Earth was not a part of it?"
Kasumi placed her hand on Nabiki's shoulder. "Sister, it's not nice to point out plot holes."
Sighing, Nabiki relented. Well, then she couldn't ask why Queen Serenity didn't wait until the next generation, after the two kingdoms on Earth were united by the marriage of Beryl and Endymion. I mean, that would have made more sense than bringing in half the planet.
But once again, Kasumi would have scolded her for pointing out that plot hole.
Damn plot holes, no one ever explains them. And apparently, as a Time Senshi, she was forbidden from finding out why in person.
Stupid time paradoxes. Sure, the fabric of the universe is safe, but the people are left with questions that drive them slowly towards insanity.
She decided to push a stack of papers to Pluto first. "If we are supposed to be helping you, I would like to negotiate our contracts."
Pluto blinked. She had just told these girls they needed to stop a force that would destroy their world and way of life, and she wanted to negotiate. She began to read the contract Nabiki had drawn up. Most of it was standard, and could be found on any well thought out contract for hiring a CEO. Medical, dental, health, they were included.
What shocked Pluto was that ten pages spelled out training requirements. "You want a lot of training."
"We don't need no stinkin' training!" said Akane. "I'm the best magic girl in all of Nerima."
Nabiki pulled out her mallet—made with an ivory handle with a mahogany wood head, and pounded her sister's hand. There were two reasons for this.
First, said hand had been trying to steal some of Nabiki's tootsie rolls.
No one takes Nabiki's sweets.
Second... "Little sister, we haven't even been magic girls for over an hour. So I can assure you, we are far from the best."
Pluto was still going over the contract. Hmm, the new home is easy, the securing of this one is passable, have to forget about the butler and maid, qualified training instructors...better see if any of the old training rooms in the Moon Palace still work. Might have to get that set up in a new home. A college fund...makes sense. Stipends...well, they do need spending money. A part time job might not work to well when the forces of darkness don't work on a schedule.
Kasumi, meanwhile, was dreaming about being a magic girl. True, she would have to change the outfits. If they resembled the one Ms. Pluto was wearing, well...that was just so improper. She didn't want to flash everyone her panties.
But then again, the thoughts of being a magic girl made her feel...naughty. She might just have to visit Dr. Tofu again.
Poor guy, he never seemed the same after the last time she jumped his bones.
After a few hours of negotiating, it was agreed.
When Soun returned the next morning with Genma, they found that the girls had won a grant to go to private school in Juuban. After crying and drinking the sake that was left behind, they decided to think some more. If they told the girls no, then they could still avoid responsibility. But that would bring back the deranged cat that had beaten them senseless.
Decisions...decisions.
Minako had just returned home from school, hoping to spend some quality time with her Ranma, before training.
However, said individual was hiding under her bed. "Ranma, what happened?"
"Horror...my eyes...oh, Kami-sama...the horror."
Minako blinked. Whatever Ranma had seen must have really traumatized him. "Maybe I better go get mom?"
"NO!" screamed Ranma, knocking her down and holding her shirt, a surprising feat for a five kilogram cat. "Don't ever tell that woman!"
Minako was now freaked. "What did you see? Was it the Dark Syndicate? I thought we finished them off?"
"No. I...I...I-I-I-I saw your parents...having sex...on the kitchen table."
She blinked. How would that traumatize Ranma? They weren't his parents, so shouldn't he be okay? "And?"
"And...they were dressed up as Sailor V and Omega Knight."
She blinked again. "There had better be more to it than that." She was going to really thrash him if the idea of them being together like that had caused him to have this near break from reality.
"Um...your dad was dressed up as Sailor V."
Minako paled.
"And your mom...she kept telling him "You're my bitch, baby!" over and over again."
Soon, both were under the bed, shivering, trying to burn the images from their minds.
"Ranma, hold me!"
"Only if you hold me, too."
It is safe to assume the "Trojan incident" was soon forgotten, as well as that Minako would not be hinting about sex—her first time with Ranma, as she was still a virgin, despite what her friends thought from Ranma's comment, or thoughts of perverted readers who can't make the leap that yes, a naked girl will freeze the world's best martial artist like a deer in headlights, and allow said girl to get her kisses—for a long time, as well as the school councilor was about to get a new headache.
Setsuna put down the phone. According to the vet, Artemis would be just fine. Obviously, whatever poison Akane's "dinner" had injected him with was not life-threatening, and no stitches would be needed to close the wounds he had received.
Of course, she knew Artemis was going to milk this for all it was worth. Well, she guessed it would be okay for him to hit the catnip a little hard this week.
She turned towards the offending girl, currently sitting at the table, trying to look innocent. Nabiki and Kasumi had already left to purchase new cooking pots and pans, the old ones consumed by the dinner.
One day in their new home, and her youngest charge had created a youma in their kitchen.
Poor roaches never knew what hit them. Their small village was quickly consumed, as well as the Hello Kitty salt and pepper shakers.
Poor shakers...never had a chance.
If she didn't know better, she would have sworn that Akane had to be working for the enemy. How else could she have just created a youma?
Setsuna drank her tea, flavored with extra Prozac. It had taken five full powered Dead Screams to kill it. If they wanted to keep a low profile in Juuban and not attract the attention of the Negaverse, they had to kill the small uprisings. "Akane?"
"Um, yes?"
"If you ever, and I do mean ever, cook again, I will fire a Dead Scream up your ass, understood?" They were going to have enough problems with youmas soon, without one of their own making a youma-super-soldier out of teriyaki.
Ranma sat inside the pet carrier as the plane took off for Japan. He would miss Great Britain.
Well, he wouldn't miss that Lynn girl stalking him, trying to get him to admit to her mastery over him.
Or that Bill guy, who just wouldn't take no for an answer.
Or Felicia: Mrs. Appledorm's cat, who seemed intent on having kittens with him.
Come to think of it, maybe he was glad to be the hell away from England. If they kept those three there, he was fine.
Finally, he lay down and turned on the CD player, listening to some classical music. He would have done that sooner, but several dogs with him in the plane wouldn't stop barking.
He figured their owners should be grateful that all he did was knock them out the use the belts he could find to keep their mouths shut.
Man, I just hope things are easier in Japan.
Khu Lon of the Chinese Amazons sat before a seer, who was trying to find her great-granddaughter a husband. Xian Pu was undefeated, and even fewer boys were willing to try and take her on.
Especially after she had used her bonbori to do things to a certain myopic Amazon male that even made Saffron cross his legs in sympathy pain.
"I have found one you might seek, Elder."
Khu Lon turned back to Kno Xema. "Describe them."
"They are cursed by Jusenkyo; they have fallen in the spring of Tsukimaonichuan."
Khu Lon nodded her head. It was the only spring in all of Jusenkyo that had a Japanese name in its title.
No one knew why. But the Guide said it was a story with a plot hole no one could answer or talk about, for fear of angering Jusenkyo. And Jusenkyo was always quick to seek vengeance if you talked about the plot holes it had.
The last Amazon male who had questioned those plot holes had "fallen" into the Spring of Drowned Elder, followed by a small shift in the land that combined that curse with Spring of Drowned Slutty Stripper.
Khu Lon bit back a cackle, as they had released that boy on the Musk. Seeing a 200+ year old woman doing a pole dance and asking if you wanted a massage thinned out that kingdom real fast.
"He is a very skilled warrior, fighting a darkness that seeks to plague the world of light."
"Can we perhaps have a name, please?" She really hated these mystic and cryptic speakers, not knowing this hate is why Kno Xema did this.
"His name is Ranma Saotome. Look for a white cat with blue eyes and a crescent moon marking on his forehead."
Khu Lon nodded and left. She had to fetch Xian Pu and see if perhaps this candidate was better than the last one.
After all, what damned boy would get lost in a cage?
Kno Xema lit her pipe, inhaling deeply. There was just no way in hell she was going to tell an Elder that the newest candidate was already claimed by so many, but mostly by a powerful blond. "Oh well, not my problem." She cackled when she was certain she was alone, wondering how long Khu Lon would be gone.
After all, the damn crystal ball had been broken for weeks. She had put in a request for a new one, but the council was under budget constrains.
Something about a group of Amazons perhaps making too many weekend trips to Hong Kong for...weekend getaways.
Best use what she learned from that Hibiki kid and give her favorite sister-in-law a new headache.
After all, her brother did ask her to watch over his wife.
Never said anything about making her suffer.
Omake or not by Shadowbakasama:
Ryouga had lost track of Ranma after Jusenkyo. The guide told him of Ranma's curse from Tsukimaonichuan, so his best bet for finding Ranma was to listen to the news for magical girls. The Jusenkyo Guide also told him of a couple products that could provide 'temporary' relief from his curse as an apology for trying to eat him. Thank the Kami that he boils his food before butchering it.
Strangely enough the Guide ran a mail order business as well as an information website about Jusenkyo, so he set up Ryouga with some free samples of both the 'Waterproof Soap' and 'Instant Nannichuan' and gave him his card to order more when he ran out along with a few catalogs that he could give out to any other Jusenkyo victims he might meet up with.
Thinking of his new problems with water Ryouga decided to get an oil-cloth duster and cowboy hat the next time he was in the United States or Austrailia and found a store with them, it would work better than his umbrella in keeping him dry.
Now the Guide was taking him to the village of Joketsuzoku to get some more supplies before he tried to get back to Japan, or at least he was, but Ryouga seemed to have lost sight of him. Damn it! Now I'm lost in China again! "Ranma! This is all your fault!"
Xian Pu and the giantess Tow Elle were both startled by the boy yelling a few feet below them, but Xian Pu recovers faster and gets in a shot with her bon-bori while her opponent was glaring at the rude boy who had interrupted the last match of the annual Amazon tournament. Tow Elle couldn't regain her balance and fell off the log in front of the Lost Boy.
Xian Pu was not very satisfied with her win, she knew that the judges wouldn't go for a rematch this late in the day, and the rules are pretty much 'anything goes', but she didn't need a distraction to win. This also somewhat spoiled her victory over her opponent, who was even now getting to her feet to go after the 'male' that had interrupted their fight.
Since Xian Pu felt slighted as well she jumped from the log to bracket in the offending male to help Tow Elle avenge this insult.
Ryouga was unprepared to have two girls (was this giant woman actually still a girl?) assault him with bon-bori and a tetsubo from in front and behind, so he was quickly beaten unconscious and hauled before the Elders.
"This MALE interrupted our match, Great Grandmother." Xian Pu says addressing a very old woman of incredibly short stature.
"Yes, we both claim a grievance with this Outsider for his interference in our match." Tow Elle adds.
"I agree, it was most rude of him to yell out like that from the base of the Challenge Log," Khu Lon states. "We shall have to ask him why he was there when he awakens. He seems to be remarkably tough from the amount of force you used to capture him. Put him in that empty tiger cage until he wakes up."
Ryouga woke up feeling battered and bruised with an incredible headache, after looking around and figuring out his situation he yells out. "Saotome Ranma! Because of you I've seen Hell!"
"Hmph! A rude Japanese boy, but why do you blame this Ranma for your problems?" asked a wrinkled little dwarf with grey hair and large bifocal glasses.
"It's his fault that I had to come to China!" Ryouga yells. "If only he had waited for our duel, I wouldn't be tracking him down to avenge my honor."
"So you came to our small village looking for this Saotome Ranma? Why don't you describe him to me, maybe we have seen him."
"Well he's 16 years old like me, about my height, but slimmer, and he has blue eyes and wears his black hair in a pigtail. The Guide also told me that he has fallen into Tsukimaonichuan and turns into a pure white Moon Cat, and his father Genma fell into Shonmaonichuan and becomes a giant panda."
"Well I don't think we've had any other Japanese visitors lately, and no one has mentioned seeing a panda or a white cat, most of the village cats are Siamese. But we haven't introduced ourselves. I'm Kno Xema, Elder Seer of the Joketsuzoku Amazons."
"Uh, I'm Hibiki Ryouga, pleased to meet you." Ryouga says bowing his head slightly then wincing in pain from his massive blunt trauma induced headache.
"And why did you yell out from the base of our Challenge Log during the finals of our annual tournament?"
"Oh, well, I was lost."
"You often just wander into towns and don't notice what's going on around you?"
"Y-yes, it's sort of a family curse. Hibiki's get lost easily."
"Hibiki, Hibiki. Oh yes, the great wandering clan. I don't think we've seen one of you through here in twenty years or so. Well, I'll try and explain this to the two Amazon warriors that you offended, but they seemed very upset with you, and you shouldn't expect to get out of this lightly." Kno Xema says as she turns to leave.
"Um, excuse me, but can I get some water before you leave?" Ryouga asks as he suddenly comes up with an escape plan.
"Mu Tsu, get the prisoner some water. And maybe a few aspirin if your carrying any."
Omake by Shinji the good sharer:
Kuno was happy with how he looked as he stepped out of the bathroom. The flowing garment was a bit short but it showed off the manly muscles in his legs as he ran.
Running from the mansion he set about running through the streets with his sister chasing after him. Women and men were both screaming out to him, which obviously must have been due to the manly air he produced as he ran past. Soon he found the dark monster that had come to Nerima.
"Hold fowl monster, I the all powerful magical girl Tatewaki Kuno shall defeat you and send you to..." He was cut off by the monster flailing on the ground screaming about it's eyes.
There were 2 problems with his speech and pose, first, he was up on the roof in a sailor fuku, but he had neglected to steal the panties from his sister that went with them, and second, he was still a he.