Sadie's POV

"This isn't real. None of this is fucking real, Sadie. Save yourself the fucking heartbreak, and just quit fooling yourself already."

"Do you HONESTLY think you're not gonna wake up from this?!"

"I don't know what the fuck I think I'm doing." I whimpered quietly aloud to myself while a thousand more doubts and otherwise intrusive thoughts flooded my mind as I stood in what was now…..or at least for the time being, Alex's room.

I sighed as I tried to refocus my attention back down to Alex, who somehow seemed to be sound asleep in his new crib. Good one, Sadie. Now, you've just fed yourself even more self doubt. Add pinch of anxiety for taste.

My soft whimper evolved into a slightly louder groan as my seemingly well intended distraction only served to remind me just how surreal this whole thing really was.

Alex is only two….barely two, at that. I had him in an abandoned house….if you could actually call it that, we'd somehow been lucky enough to find, on a bed that hadn't been slept in in God knows how long.

He doesn't even know of a life beyond this. The closest thing to a somewhat decent sleeping arrangement Gareth and I had managed to scrape together for him was that damned car seat we'd managed to find after the church, on even dumber luck.

How the hell does he have this crib, hell of a lot better condition than it had any right to be in these days, to sleep so soundly in?

I sighed, resting my arms along the side of said crib, as I remained so lost in my thoughts that I hadn't even heard Gareth come in behind me.

"Hey." He said softly, inadvertently making me jump before he could slip his arms around my waist. "Sorry."

I shook my head, chuckling softly. "You're fine, I'm just….."

He slipped his hands lovingly up over my shoulders to comfort me as he waited patiently for me to go on.

I smiled slightly at the gesture and sighed again. "...I've just got a lot on my mind tonight is all."

"Yeah?" He nuzzled his chin closer, over my shoulder. "...you wanna talk about it?"

I shook my head gently. "...I'd rather just forget about it for a while…..take my mind off it, at least."

"Okay." He replied just as gently. "...we don't have to."

"Thanks." I whispered.

He nodded. "...you wanna come to bed now?"

I took one more look down at our peacefully sleeping son before turning back to Gareth and nodding.

He smiled, sneaking a kiss along my neck, and offered his hand to take my own as I followed him.

The eventual peace of mind that followed from settling down with him, watching him fall asleep, was unfortunately more short lived than I'd hoped. Granted, wasn't it always?

Because, just like that, I was back.

I could hear the God-awful clang of the train car door, after they'd just about thrown me back in with the others and slammed it shut behind me.

Still half naked, I stood, tossing my head back and forth, frantically searching the dark vicinity for Gareth, as I tried to hold back sobs.

I thought they'd left him alone this time. God help me, I thought they'd left him.

….maybe that was just wishful thinking.

"GARETH!" I finally shrieked.

No response.

I screamed his name a few more times, after which was normally the part of the nightmare where I'd eventually find him, or they'd open the train doors again and throw him back in, much like they'd done with me

Thankfully, however, it was cut short this time as I awoke to Gareth repeating my name as he tried to shake me out of it as I shot upright still screaming.

"Sadie, SADIE! It's just me!" He urged. "You're safe...you're safe, it's okay. Look at me." His voice got progressively softer and gentler, as I started to calm down more.

"I'm right here, just me…...just us, okay? You're okay."

I looked up at him, tears making their way down my face, as I nodded.

Slowly losing the battle with myself, I grabbed for him as I allowed myself to fall into his arms.

"It was happening again!" I managed to choke out, as I struggled for words. "...back at…"

"Shhhh...I know…" He comforted, stroking his hand gently across my back. "...I know, it's okay. You're okay now."

I nodded as I sniffled more into his shoulder. "...I'm sorry for waking you…." I trailed off, briefly interrupted by the sound of Alex crying in the next room.

"...and Alex." I added with a soft, nervous chuckle.

"It's not your fault." He gently reassured me. He looked up, only briefly, to glance toward the door when Alex didn't stop. "...you want me to go get him?"

I started to pull, gradually, away so that he could get up, when Theresa's voice called out from down the hall.

"I got him!"

I wiped my eyes, trying to pull myself back together a little more. "Thanks, T!"

I looked back to Gareth, as he half smiled back at me.

"You okay now?"

I nodded only slightly. "I think so."

He nodded back, sympathetically. "Okay….you feel like going back to sleep? Or you gonna stay up a while?"

"...think I'll stay up a while. You can go back to sleep though."

"You sure? You know I don't mind staying up with you."

I smiled back at him. 'I'm sure…...I think you also know I like watching you sleep. It soothes me."

"No, I do…." He kissed me on the cheek as he pulled the blanket up and started to settle back down beside me. "...I do, I'm just making sure."

"Gotta love that about you."

"Hmm, almost as much as I love you."

"No, I think I love you more." I insisted.

"Hmmm, I still have to disagree, but I'm also gonna let you have this one."

"Oh, you'll let me have this one?" I mocked. "Let me?"

"Yes, let you." He chuckled. "...namely, because I'm just too tired to argue with you, and you deserve the win, anyway."

"Fine…" I slid myself down, under the covers, beside him. "...I'll let it slide this once."

"Yaaay." He chuckled sarcastically. "Good night, then."

"Night, Babe." I chuckled softly, gazing at him as he drifted back off to sleep.