It's the goddamn dreams that get to me. At least I'm alone. Thank God. I don't think I can stand anyone's judging looks. But, these dreams aren't any easier, either. I keep falling and falling, but I never hit the ground. It gets darker and darker, and when the darkness looks like infinite, I feel like floating, but I in fact know that I'm still falling. I know there's no escape. I'll die when I reach the ground. I can't escape.
"Are you ready, little brother?" Lilly says, her eyes wide open, straddling Duncan's lap, her legs on either side of his hips. He knows that she's trying to look innocent, her pigtails swaying back and forth, as she bounces up and down slowly, causing the bed to squeak.
"I…"
Lilly puts a finger on his lips, shushing him. The longer her finger rests on him, the redder his face gets. She tilts her head slowly, which is sweet and adorable when Veronica does it, but with Lilly, it's mortal.
She kisses the corners of his mouth.
"Don't you want me anymore?" She pouts. "Do you think Veronica is prettier than me?"
Duncan flinches at the mention of her. He moves uncomfortably on the bed, causing Lilly to hit his legs for a few times, her hands clenched into little fists.
"What is that supposed to mean, Duncan? You promised!" She grabs his hair, yanking as hard as she can. "You promised that no matter what I'll be the only one for you, that you'll-"
He suddenly grasps her wrists, stopping her.
"No one," he says slowly, "there is no one in the world that I can love as much as I love you."
Then he kisses her, his lips devouring hers. She moans with frustration when he breaks it.
"I fucking love you to death, Lilly."
She giggles. "I know."
I tried everything to stop them. Nothing worked. I know it's just a fucking dream, that I'm not actually going to die, but if you've never had one of those dreams, you'll never know. It's pure torture. My shrink asked me when it all started. I told her that it was Lilly's death. It all started when my sister was brutally murdered.
"You fucking promised, Lilly!"
Duncan takes a dangerous step towards her, as his whole body trembles with anger, disgust and hate.
"I never promised you, Donut," she says, knowing that she's making him even more furious. Duncan knows that she must be turned on already. This is who she is.
"You…" he jabs a finger at her, "You little, ungrateful…"
She laughs breezily. "Oh, come on! So what? I'm fucking Aaron. Why the hell does that bother you?" Her voice turns into a poisoned whisper. "You already know I'm fucking Logan."
He can't believe that she can be so stupid, undervalue herself so much. She is Lilly Kane, she should be acting like a princess, but all she does is fuck around, scarring herself and everyone else around her. She is a fucking bitch.
"Logan is your goddamn boyfriend. Plus, people would get suspicious if we never had any relationships."
Lilly looks at him, mouth agape. "You think…" she's getting angrier by the second. "You think that Logan is a cover? For you and me? Oh, little brother, you're so goddamn out of your league we're not even in the same sport anymore. I fuck Logan because I want to. I fuck you because I want to. I fuck anyone else I choose because I want to. You've got nothing to do with it."
When Duncan doesn't reply, she hisses again. "Nothing."
This was her last word. And Duncan will remember it just like he remembers the sound of her head cracking under the ashtray.
She asked me whether they were always this vivid. They weren't. For the first six months, those dreams were intolerable. Then, maybe I got used to them. Or maybe it was the fucking drugs she forced me to take. She says she can help me, but all she ever did was to prescribe me with antidepressants. Numbed me until I stopped remembering her Lilly and how my life was before… everything. When I stopped taking them, it worked for a while. I don't remember having any of those nightmares. But then they started again, right before Meg died. There is no escape. I'll die when I hit the ground.
"Oh, Duncan, thank God you're here. Please, don't let them to take her away." Meg looks so small on that bed, so beautiful, so pure. She is the exact opposite of everything that Lilly was.
"I can't marry you, Meg."
She is dumbstruck. "What? I never…"
"I'm with Veronica now. Again. And I love her. I love her, Meg." Duncan nods his head a few times, as if he is trying to convince himself more than her.
She smiles bitterly. "I know that, Duncan. I've always known. This-" she points to herself and then Duncan, "-was wrong. I knew from day one. But there is nothing we can do, now. We have a daughter. We have to take care of her. Together."
"I can't marry you, Meg," he says, more persistent this time.
Meg sighs deeply. "I'm not fucking asking you to marry me, Duncan. I'm just saying that we'll be in each other's lives from now on, and you should get used to it."
"I'm not ready."
"Well, I wasn't ready to get pregnant or fly off a fucking cliff, but here we are, aren't we?" Meg snaps. She looks like she can't understand why Duncan is being such a jackass.
"I…can't." Duncan takes a pillow from the guest chair and suddenly he covers Meg's face with it. She's caught off-guard, and there isn't enough force in her body to resist, so she can't fight for very long.
When Duncan sees her chest stop moving, he slowly removes the pillow and puts the smallest kiss on Meg's half open mouth.
"I'll take care of her."
She asks me if they ever lost strength after I saved my daughter. They didn't. She tells me that since it's getting darker as I fall, it must be a well. She is right. The next time I fall asleep, I can see the rocks around me, in a circle. She says that since it's a well, there must be water at the end, that I can survive the fall. It might not hurt as much as I think it would. I can see the water, now. I can survive.
"Duncan!" She runs to him. "What are you doing here? We talked… You shouldn't be here."
"Are you seeing Logan again?"
Veronica blushes and this is all Duncan needs to see.
I fall. I hit the water. It's cold and I feel terrified, but at least I'm alive. If I survived the fucking fall, I can get the hell out of here. I know what to do.
"What is this? You have no right-"
"Why don't you just tell me the truth, Veronica? That you waited for me to flee the country so that you could run back to your boyfriend?" He sounds so angry that Veronica is speechless.
"What I have with Logan has nothing to do with you, Duncan. You had to leave, and I moved on." She tries to touch him, but he pushes her hand away, much to her surprise.
"You moved on? To my best friend, Veronica, again. This is just so fucked up, even for you."
Frustration creeps into her eyes. "And what the hell is that supposed to mean?"
Duncan laughs bitterly. "True love stories never have endings, Veronica. God! I'm just so fucking stupid."
"What should I have done, Duncan, wait for-"
"After all, you were Lilly's best friend. It's not a goddamn coincidence that you're a bitch like she was," he sneers.
She slaps him and Duncan smiles for the first time. He knows what to do.
I keep my back against the wall and straighten my legs out in an L. My hands are right under my butt, and they're so goddamn wet with water and sweat that I fear of falling back. But I can't. I have to get the fuck out. I bend my left leg, put the sole of my foot under my hand and push up. It works. I'm getting out.
"You never actually loved me, did you?"
Veronica starts crying. "I will always love you, Duncan. But we'll never be together again. So why don't you let me live?"
"You don't let me live, Veronica," he yells out. "I can't move on. I thought it was because we ended things, but I can't. And now you're back with him? Fuck this."
He slowly takes out the gun from his jacket and Veronica's eyes widen.
"Fuck. You."
He pulls the trigger before she can make any sound, and blood spurts from a bullet wound on her chest. She falls to the ground, almost in slow motion, and Duncan wonders if she felt any pain.
My hands touch the top of the well. It's brighter than any day has ever been, it smells better than anything has ever smelt, and I feel better than I have ever felt. I know that I will never see this nightmare, ever again. My shrink tells me that this is a great achievement. I only nod. She doesn't have a fucking clue. I survived. And now I'm free.