I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
I have written an extra-long chapter for you to make up for it, and I'm halfway through fourteen. Real life caught up to me this month between work, school, settling into our new place... but my moving company FOUND MY COMPUTER!
Enjoy Chapter 13!
"Charlie."
At the baseboard, wallpaper curled and cracked. It was a pretty pattern, Charlotte thought to herself, dotted with tuberose and froths of violets. A woman had obviously picked it – Severus's mother, perhaps – and it was showing its age. She had the itching desire to pull it from the wall.
"You need to go downstairs and speak with Severus calmly."
Charlotte didn't need to do anything.
Remus had not moved from where his feet had cemented to the scratched wood floor.
"Where are you going to go, Charlie? Did you think about that?"
She remained silent, the burns at her body beginning to sting and throb.
"The Order has warded this home. You've been safe here."
Charlotte wanted to tell him that she never felt safe.
The wards put in place by the Order of the Phoenix may have protected her from muggles – from seeing, hearing, or smelling the aftereffects of her fits – but it did nothing to protect her from what laid within.
A storm brewed beneath her skin.
She could feel it pressing against the follicles of her arm hairs as she lay awake in bed, it stirred above the pads of her feet as she paced the hallways. It felt a bit like walking through a thick fog, a misty cloud that smothered and stifled the noise within. It hummed, starting as low and soft as a bumble bee in her ears.
It was getting louder.
Sometimes, if she looked quickly enough, she could see the smoke descending from the tips of her hair, filling the space between her skin and fingernails, dripping from her nose when she stepped from the shower.
It was exhausting, she had realized, to war against something that could not be held.
It was getting smarter.
The hammering of her heart had slowed. Her angry breaths had evened. She could see now; how manipulative it was. But the acid of her words hung in her mouth like a slow burn. Her eyes replayed the fractional seconds of emotion on her husband's stoic face, the subtle narrow of his eyes.
"You cannot replicate these wards, Charlie, and I do not think the Order would be supportive of you leaving Severus," Remus said softly, "I think it's best that you stay here, and come to an understanding with Severus."
An understanding.
Charlotte wondered how often Snape walked down the narrow sidewalks of Spinner's End from his trips to Diagon Alley and slowed his strides. She wondered how long he tried to make his trips to the apothecary count, perusing each aisle and inspecting every millimeter of his potions ingredients. She wondered if he stopped for tea in the café or stopped in the White Wyvern for a butterbeer.
Anything to lengthen his time away from home.
She wondered how enthusiastically he was looking to his return to Hogwarts. The peace that would come within its stone walls, sitting along the staff table in the Great Hall without the obligation to make small talk with someone he could not decide his feelings for.
"I can go to Walburga."
"You and I both know that would be no resolution."
"She loves me."
"She loved the idea of you bringing status to her family, Charlie. She loved that you married one of her sons – the right one, for her – and that you brought some semblance of variety into their incest."
Charlotte closed her eyes tightly.
"Why would you leave? Does Severus mistreat you in some way?"
"No," she whispered, and hated that her voice cracked.
"I think you have built an idolization of Sirius in your head, Charlie. Walburga won't want you to come back to Grimmauld Place, no matter how much she loved you as a child. Your purpose to her was used. I was Sirius' friend in school, I know what happened in that house."
A tension was building in her throat, constricting around her esophagus.
"Sirius was not everything. He was flawed. He was selfish at times and obsessed with appearances. Do you remember, that he wouldn't even hold your hand in the hallways? He didn't want to lose his popularity in Gryffindor, on the Quidditch team. He called it 'fraternizing with the enemy'."
"Stop, Remus."
"He made you cry a lot. When you came to James' and Lily's, after they bought the place in Godric's Hollow, do you remember?"
She frequently tried not to.
"I remember. He wasn't always good to you. He often mistreated you. But you've told me that Severus hasn't done this, and from what I see, he treats you well. You've gained some weight back, and some color."
"I want a family."
Remus quieted.
"All I've ever wanted is a family, Moony. I don't have one anymore. Severus will never give me that."
Her fingers stretched, imagining pulling the peeling paper from the wall.
"I tried to have one anyway, you know. After Regulus died. He had wanted to wait until the war was over. But then he died, so I tried to have one anyways."
"I didn't know that," Remus whispered softly.
"I don't think most people do. Just Louisa, and them."
"Them?"
"I could never quite tell whose it was."
Remus remained silent.
"We had a raid, in the Ministry of Magic. My last one. Sirius was there, and you, James. I could see you, I kept trying to stay away. Severus could see that. He could see that I was distracted."
Charlotte shrugged, ignoring the pain that shot through the singed nerves in her shoulder.
"But then Moody killed Evan Rosier, and I wanted to bring him back for Louisa. So, I went for him, and Marlene McKinnon rebounded Severus's severing curse."
"And hit you."
"Yes, it hit me. I didn't notice it right away. I brought Evan back for Louisa."
"Why didn't you go to hospital?"
Charlotte rolled to stare at him, and watched the realization widen his eyes.
"They tried to fix me up – Louisa, Severus, and Rabastan. But they couldn't fix everything."
"You were pregnant."
"I hadn't told anyone but Louisa, and them. I didn't want to say anything after."
"Do you blame Severus?"
Often, she questioned whether she did. He had been watching her, looking over her. His eyes had frequently crossed the marbled lobby of the Ministry to catch her wand arching, gauging the moment he would need to intervene.
"No. I should've left him. We were supposed to leave him there, but I couldn't do that to Lou."
"Do you blame Louisa?"
"Of course not."
Remus sat on the foot of Severus' wide bed, and stared at his hands, clasped in his lap, still streaked with soot.
"I think you should talk this out with Severus, Charlie. You never know. He may be open to the idea of starting a family. He cares for you. You can't convince me otherwise. Snape has never bothered much with the feelings of others, but he has always been careful to discuss what you've disclosed to him. I believe he does it for your benefit."
Charlotte sat up, "Severus doesn't want a family."
"How do you know, if you don't talk about it with him?"
She rolled her eyes, "From the beginning, Moony, he said this would never turn into something it wasn't. We married for a purpose. There was no love in it, no affection. We haven't even had sex. Our marriage is entirely unconsummated."
Remus blinked, his cheeks coloring.
"Don't be such a prude, Moony."
"I just thought-…" he laughed nervously, "I'm just surprised."
"Severus doesn't want a family. He loved – he loves - Lily."
"He might change his mind."
Charlotte could hear the doubt in Remus' voice, and felt her eyes sting.
Severus wouldn't change his mind. She knew that. The remnants of his love for Lily hovered between them like shrapnel. Neither of them wanted to cross the devastation of it.
"It's gotten so much smarter, Moony. It's as if it knows everything, and it's getting so loud. It keeps slipping out," She whispered softly, "And I'm getting exhausted."
Remus reached across the bed to place a firm hand on her knee, "We'll beat it, Charlie."
"I don't know how," her voice cracked.
"You need to start making an effort in your lessons. I know they're frustrating, and I know that Snape has started his own regimen with you. But first, you need to go talk to Snape."
Charlotte blinked away the stinging in her eyes, "I said horrible things to him, Moony."
"You were angry."
"He looked so real. I could smell him, that stupid muggle cologne he always wore. I could feel the heat on his skin. I'd forgotten it."
"That cologne. He'd reek up the whole dormitory with it," Remus laughed softly.
"It was quite nice, though. You'd have to admit it."
"I'll admit to stealing a spray or two."
The pair laughed quietly together.
"Do you want me to fix you up?"
Remus gestured to the slow spread of red on the shirt's shoulder, the long hem still showing blistered legs.
"No, Snape will do it."
They sat quietly together; Remus's hand still firm on her knee. It was a comfortable silence, one that had melted some of the tension and dissipated the hostility hovering in the air.
"What's it like?"
"The obscurus?"
Charlotte nodded.
She had wondered what it looked like, outside the illusions it played in her mind.
"The first time, it was frightening. Everything was catching on fire, exploding."
A wince flickered across her face.
"We've fixed it up. Adjusted some memories, it was in the Daily Prophet as an unexplained fire. That apothecary has been vacant for so long, I think most people believe it was started by a homeless wizard or witch. This time, it was different."
Remus adjusted his seat, raking his hands through his hair.
It was a habit she imagined he'd picked up from Potter or Sirius.
"It looked like you were dying. You were just screaming. I've never heard anyone make that sort of noise, outside of being tortured with the Cruciatus Curse. Snape hit the alarm – we've all got our Order coins, still, from the war – and when I got here, he was on top of you. It looked like you were having some kind of fit."
"And the fire?"
"A few lamps exploded. The fireplace caught, and it started going up the fireplace. Caught the mantle on fire, I think the fan spread it to the curtains."
"It's scary, then?"
Remus looked at her, "Yes. It looks like you're dying."
Charlotte briefly wondered if she were responsible for the purple circles under Severus's eyes, if he caught any sleep. She could sometimes hear him pacing the hallway, creaking the floorboards as he passed her room.
Had he been checking on her?
"It seems to go for the people who try to help you out of it. Snape was yelling for you, right in your ear. Sometimes it seemed like you could hear him – your head jerked that way when he got loud enough – but the obscurus looked like it had started to take on some of the embers from the curtains and was burning him. Your dress caught fire. Snape was on top of you, so it burned him too."
Charlotte felt her throat constricting again and her hands went instinctively to cover her mouth, pressing against her nostrils.
She could picture it, if only barely. Snape pressing his body against hers, trying to keep her still and smothering the flames on her dress. Shouting in her ear.
You are mine.
"Why don't I pop downstairs and see where they're at with fixing it all up? We'll leave and let you talk things over with Snape. If you're still adamant about leaving afterwards, send me an owl and I'll come to get you. I'll take you anywhere you'd like to go."
She nodded, the liquid gathering in her eyes had spilled over her lashes.
"Thanks, Remus," she choked out before he reached the door.
"Of course, Charlie. You let me know if you need anything, anytime."
Charlotte hovered by the door, standing gingerly on her toes as she listened to the sounds of the Order leaving. They chatted briefly near the stairwell, and she could hear Snape thanking them in a cold, clipped tone.
As the front door close, she quickly escaped Snape's bedroom and tiptoed down the hall to her own bedroom. She grabbed a handful of clothes from the dresser and darted across the hall into the bathroom.
There, she could see the obscurus' havoc.
Her face was streaked with soot, fractured with tear lines, her eyes were red and bloodshot. It was mottled with blue and purple bruising, spreading from the side of her head to her throat. Crusts of blood hovered at the edges of her nose. A deep burn started at her shoulder and went down to the front of her hip, showing blistered and roasted skin. It had crept down her thighs around her knees, where the skin had cracked open and bled freely.
A wheeze - perhaps a semblance of a gasp - split her lips, and her eyes refilled.
Her hair was singed and matted, and as she reached up to touch the dark brown locks, they crumbled between her fingers. She dropped her fingers to grip the sink bowl, her knees knocking painfully together.
The sobs left her mouth despite her best efforts to smother them.
It was becoming all too exhausting, despite the speech Remus had given her.
At some point, Charlotte caught herself thinking, there would be nothing left to fight it with.
Her mind struggled to unearth any reason why she ought to.
A knock interrupted her thoughts.
Severus appeared in the cracked doorway.
His dark eyes caught her hazel ones, and he moved forward without a word.
Arms maneuvered her to the toilet seat, where she dropped from uneven legs.
"I'm sorry," the words erupted from her scratched throat in a wail, "I'm so sorry."
Snape did not speak but grabbed a washcloth from the cabinet and began soaking it beneath the faucet. When he turned, he continued his silence as he began to carefully wipe her face. His fingers coaxed her brimming eyes closed.
"I'm so sorry," she whimpered as he pushed the shirt from her shoulders.
He spoke, but it was in soft lilting spells, his wand erasing the battlefield on her body. His eyes delicately followed the curve of her shoulder, descending down. She did her best to remain still, but despite pressing her fingers to her mouth, her sobs continued, wracking her body with their effort.
It took him perhaps an hour, and by the time he had finished with the split blistered on her knees, her breathing had evened into soft hiccupping gasps.
"Take a shower, Charlotte," Severus said softly.
Before she could her open her mouth to protest, he had left the bathroom.
She tried to be quick in the shower, but the hot water kept her. It soaked her skin and warmed her bones, washing away the tension that had circled her throat like a noose.
She hovered under the spray of water, watching the grayed water swirl between her feet.
By the time she padded from the bathroom in her nightclothes, she crossed the hallway with sore eyes and turned the doorknob of her bedroom.
It was unyielding.
Charlotte frowned, pulling at it again.
It did not budge.
Panic began underneath her tongue.
"Charlotte."
Her eyes darted down the hallway to where Snape stood in the doorway of his bedroom.
"I have moved your things."
Her breath caught.
The panic began to bloom.
She wondered in the owlery would be open to send Remus a letter, or if the Leaky Cauldron had a spare bedroom available for the night. Perhaps she could stay with Louisa.
It would make sense, that Severus would no longer welcome her in his home after the venomous words she had spewed at him.
"Come to bed, Charlotte."
Whirling panicked thoughts suddenly froze.
"In there, with you?"
Her voice broke, fracturing the sentence as it slipped from her lips.
"Come to bed," He repeated.
She carefully crossed the creaking floorboards of the hallway, passing him through the doorway to his bedroom. Severus pointed to the wide bed, and she slowly moved to slip between the fresh sheets.
Her eyes noted the trunk against a closet door, the dresser she had purchased for her bedroom now sat awkwardly next to his. Her mouth opened and closed, her eyes darting around to catch her books on the bookshelf, blended with his own. The dancing photograph of Louisa, Evan, and Charlotte sat casually on the nightstand.
Severus did not mention the sudden rearrangement of furniture but crossed the room and climbed into bed beside her.
Her body felt stiff as she arranged herself between the sheets, feeling warmth spread between the threads where Severus's body lay beside hers. Just as she let her head hit the pillow – hers, from the smell of thick lavender – she felt Severus move.
His body curved against hers, his arm – without any semblance of hesitation – draped itself across her waist.
Charlotte wanted to ask what he was doing. Questions buzzed between her ears, but her mouth felt cemented shut. She shifted, and felt his arm tighten around hers.
A strange feeling bubbled beneath her navel, where his arm pressed against her.
It was a foreign feeling, and Charlotte attempted to place it.
It was warm, and fizzing, like the bath bombs Louisa's mother would bring them from France.
It was soothing, like a steaming cup of chamomile.
It made her gut twist and clench in a way that was not altogether unpleasant.
A smile pulled at her lips, as she shifted again.
His arm tightened once more.
It took several moments for her to place it as she felt the pulse of his wrist against her waist.
It wasn't love, she realized, not yet.
Love came after this.
This was a beginning.
I love you all, your reviews made my day every day. I'm terribly sorry for the long wait. I plan to have Chapter 14 finished by Wednesday, and edited by Friday.
As always, let me know what you think in the review section, drop your house to bring your house to glory and WIN THE HOUSE CUP (which I will catch up on soonest).