Greetings, peoples! Ah, yeah. This is a FFVII story. Yup. I know, shocker.
I haven't actually played the game, so forgive me if some things are off. Also, most people will be OOC 'cuz it's crazy humor.
Most chapters will be pretty short but I'll keep them coming. Am I forgetting anything...?
Vincent: You don't own us.
Onirei: But I own you! I swear!
Vincent liked to get up in the middle of the night and have a snack. As it happened, this particular night he had an especially vicious hankering for Swiss cheese. So he put on his bunny slippers and crept down the stairs silently, avoiding the squeaky parts.
Once he got into the kitchen, he opened the refrigerator and took out the last piece of pre-sliced Swiss cheese. Wondering idly if Swiss cheese was mined in Switzerland by pretty blonde Swiss ladies, he went to take a bite.
"Boo."
He dropped his cheese on the floor. "Cloud?" he screeched. "Don't do that! Your bed-head is positively frightening!"
"This coming from the man who sleeps in a coffin? And nice slippers, by the way." Cloud responded, raising an eyebrow.
"To each his own," Vincent sniffed, bending over to pick up the cheese.
"Or, 'her'."
"…………." Was all Vincent could manage. "Cloud…." He asked. "Are you becoming a feminist?"
"No," Cloud sighed. "I was just thinking about Aeris, and then I couldn't get to sleep (ridden with angst as I was) so I decided to go outside and look at the full moon for a while. And now I'm talking to you, Mr. Pink Bunny Slippers-Swiss Cheese Man."
"I'm continually astounded by these nicknames that you come up with for me, Cloud." He opened his mouth to eat the now partially warm cheese.
"So you can be depressed about Aeris, but not me?" said an indignant voice behind them.
Vincent dropped his cheese again. Cloud's already bed-headed hair spiked up.
"Z-Z-Z-Z-ack?" Cloud stuttered.
"You really need to work on that stuttering problem, Cloud." Zack replied. "You've had it since we were little."
"B-But, I thought Sephiroth….decapitated you!"
Zack laughed. "Nope, I just got a particularly bad case of influenza. Sephiroth was forcefeeding me that nasty grape-flavored medicine. I hate that stuff, it tastes like….."
"So how were you resurrected, Zack?" Vincent asked, kneeling to pick up his cheese.
"It was amazing! I was resurrected by the magical, sparkling, toothbrush of resurrecty-ness-ness!"
"I knew the author shouldn't have had those honey-nut Cheerios," Vincent muttered.
"Wha'd you say?" Cloud asked.
"Uh…I said, 'I'm going to go outside and work on my tan.'"
"No you didn't," Zack said.
"It doesn't matter!" Vincent snapped. "So when were you resurrected?"
"Last Tuesday," he stated.
"'Ya know, none of this is really connecting." Cloud rubbed his temples.
"That's okay Cloud!" Zack grinned. "Big sword, small brain."
"But…it's your sword."
"Ah….forgot about that."
Vincent tuned them out and focused on his lovely cheese, until he felt a tap on his shoulder. He whipped around, dropped his cheese, and screamed like a little girl. For standing behind him was none other then Sephiroth himself.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I thought you were dead!"
"Toothbrushes rock," he said. "Hey look, cheese!"
"You—you…..!" Cloud began.
"Again with the stuttering!" Zack sighed. "It's called annunciation, Cloud."
"You killed Aeris!" Cloud blurted out.
Sephiroth looked momentarily shocked, before bursting into tears. "I'm sorry!" he wailed. My mommy always told me to hold my 12-foot sword downwards, but I didn't! I'm sorry!" he picked up the cheese and ate it.
"NOO! MY CHEESE!"
Sephiroth found himself staring down the barrels of the Death Penalty and Peacemaker.
"Vincent, I don't know about you, but my mommy always told me not to play with loaded guns." Sephiroth tutted.
Vincent turned an odd hue of maroon.
"Um….guys?" All four men turned around.
Aeris twirled a lock of her hair and smiled softly at Cloud.
"Toothbrushes rock!" Cloud exclaimed, and rushed over to her.
"Cheese……" Vincent pouted.
--To be continued!
Feel free to correct me on my mistakes. In any case, review!
Vincent: Cheese...