#3 JOYEUSE

Rating: This is a crackfic, hence T.

AN: This was my entry for the HP Crack!Fic Fest 2021. This was such a fun fest, thank you so much the mods for hosting it!

My Prompt was "Somebody has just the WORST gaydar. The WORST".

Beta love to: Brookegrangermalfoy & Postal Ninja.

Joyeuse

OS.

It had all started with a stupid note. Hermione was well aware that it was stupid; it was only a shag list. But she still decided to pursue the matter, like a bull following the colour red. After all, if her best friend wasn't ready to come out yet, she could help him; make a safe environment for him and let him feel secure.

T

It had all started with a stupid note.

Hermione was well aware that it was stupid; it was only a shag list. But she still decided to pursue the matter, like a bull following the colour red.

After all, if her best friend wasn't ready to come out yet, she could help him; make a safe environment for him and let him feel secure.

So, she approached the first colleague who she thought could help her and, in the long run, her very best friend.

"Zabini, what do you think of Harry?"

He blinked and looked at her twice before answering.

"Nothing much… Why?"

Biting her lips, she tried to come up with a good reply - but how was she ever going to ask nicely if he wanted to shag Harry's brains out?

"Would you find him attractive?"

"Who?"

"Hm, Harry of course!"

Zabini looked at her in the strangest of ways, putting down his quill.

"Are you... Asking me advice?"

"Maybe I am!"

A surprised look settled on his face as he pursed his lips, biding his time before replying.

"Well, I'm think you'd be very right to pursue a relationship with the Chosen One..."

Hermione howled with laughter at this answer, tears of joy streaking down her cheeks.

"I'm not asking for me, Zabini!"

She snorted again, shaking her head and catching her breath. God, those clueless boys.

The young man looked strangely relieved and chuckled too.

"Who are you asking for, then?"

"Why, for you of course!"

This time it was Zabini who snickered before letting her down. He wasn't looking for a boyfriend. And especially not Harry Bloody Potter.

Sighing heavily, Hermione tried to think of someone else who would be willing to date her best friend.

The following weeks, Hermione inquired of a lot of male acquaintances but no one seemed interested in dating Harry. No wonder he wasn't coming out, poor thing.

She really ought to do something. To find someone.

When she crossed the grey eyes in the Minister's lobby, she knew she had found the perfect candidate.

Of course, it would work. It was meant to be. All this hate meant something, it surely did. She smiled softly at the ironclad tenet. Wasn't she the Brightest Witch of Her Age?

"Excuse me?"

Hermione rubbed her forehead tiredly. Despite how strong her beliefs rang, this man was something else.

"I asked if you find Harry to your liking."

His eyes were round, a horrifying grimace marring his face.

"Why ever would you ask that, Granger?"

Hermione shook her head, slowly.

"Isn't it obvious?"

She used her fingers to make the shape of a hear. Malfoy's mouth fell open at that, at a complete lost for words it seemed.

"For fuck's...Go and ask Theo, Granger!"

Hermione frowned at that, wondering why in the world he would give her such bad advice.

"But Theo isn't gay…"

His brows went up, a bewildered look crossing his eyes.

"And why would you say that?"

"Because he seems so… Common. Normal. Not at all bothered by his hair."

The implication lay heavily in the air. Nothing like him.

Hermione felt a small smile tug at her lips; it would be so perfect, like a star-crossed lover's story... Or at the very least, an enemies-to-lovers' one.

Looking outraged, Malfoy crossed the room until he was standing in front of her, throwing his hands around.

"You really are the worst", he all but screamed in her face. "And your gaydar is broken as fuck."

He started digging his finger into her chest, just beneath her collar bones, his voice shriller with each word.

"Theo practically has gay branded on his ass."

Malfoy was positively seething.

"Theo wears a fucking tie that matches his socks every day."

His fingers dabbed her one last time as she pushed his hands away, stepping back with a scowl.

"Do you mean to say... That you aren't gay, Malfoy?"

He raised his arms to the sky at that.

"For fuck's sake!"

He caught her head in his hands and kissed her. Roughly, thoroughly, unabashedly.

His hands sneaked around her waist, pinning her body to his, wandering on her skin and toying with her female curves.

As he finally released her, coming up for air, his piercing eyes burned holes in hers.

"And if you must know, Potter is dating Pansy!"