"You did what?!" Mercedes asked.
"It's just a charity ride. She wanted to try out riding, and I gave her the opportunity. I invited her to come along for the Autism ride." Santana replied.
"And what if she wants to try something else, you gonna give her that opportunity as well?" Mercedes asked.
"Depends on what it is."
"Vagina. What if she wants to try out vagina?" Sugar asked, raising her hand and bouncing in her seat.
Mercedes crossed her arms and shook her head as everyone else at the table waited eagerly for the answer.
"I love how enthusiastically you say vagina, Sugar, but no, I will not be giving out vagina samples this weekend," Santana sighed.
Sugar giggled, "Vagina samples, makes me think of Costco."
"What Costco are you going to that gives out vagina samples?" Sam asked.
"Will you two shut the hell up please?" Mercedes replied. "This is serious!"
"This is not serious." Santana sighed.
"I have one word for you...Sophia." Quinn said.
"Technically that's a name not a word, and you are obsessed with Sophia."
"What happened to old Santana, who wasn't nice to everybody and worrying about their feelings? We need you to channel her." Kurt said.
"I thought you all hated her."
"No, we just wanted you to tone it down. You toned it down a bit too much. Sophia and Nikki need to move on..." Quinn started
"Just wait a moment. I really don't think that Nikki should be included in any harsh expulsions from Santana's life. I think they could learn to co exist without terminating the friendship." Rachel chimed in.
"See, Rachel understands why I keep her around and has no problem shamelessly pimping out her friends for awesome tips."
"That's not what I was saying, Santana..."
"Sure it was, and it's a good reason to keep her around. We all have bills to pay, and if Sugar keeps giving everything away for free we're all going to be unemployed if Daddy Warbucks pulls the plug, so we better make sure this place turns a profit. Nikki certainly isn't looking for a love connection like Sophia, as a matter of fact we would still be spending time together if she didn't think she had some sort of ownership over me. She and I already go to the same gym, and neither of us feel the need to change that, so if she likes hanging out here I'm totally capable of avoiding any sexual advances. She genuinely enjoys this place, I'm just the cherry she wants to eat on top. Meanwhile, she can keep bringing in her big spenders and handing out awesome tips and I will keep turning down all of that amazing sex. It's a win-win situation."
"I love Nikki," Finn chimed in.
"Me too," Sam added. "Another month of Nikki tips and I'll be able to afford that leather jacket I've been looking at."
"These are my Nikki boots , I love them," Mercedes added, showing off her feet.
"And are those some new Nikki pearls I see around your neck Grandma Quinn? I thought so. If Nikki sticks around you can get a new sweater to match. See, nobody has a problem with Nikki, and Sophia isn't hurting anybody. Eventually she will find herself a good woman and move on."
"Santana, just watch who wants to call themselves your friend, after all Natasha is the reason you ended up in bed with Sophia in the first place. What kind of friend sends someone upstairs to take advantage of their crush while they are sloppy drunk?" Mercedes asked.
"Who said I was sloppy?" Santana scoffed.
"You said you fell asleep before...,"
"Okay, okay. Remind me not to tell you anything in the future. That was between us by the way, Hootie, even though I knew you would share it with the blowfish you're dating. Anyway, trust me, if it were anyone but Natasha I would be angry, but the woman is addicted to rom-coms and was playing matchmaker. She thought it would be soooooo romantic if her chronically single friend and tortured closet gay friend hooked up. She had this whole scenario worked out in her head about how my love would set Sophia free, and how Sophia's love would cure my lovergirl ways. Aye Dios mio," Santana rolled her eyes once again at the thought. "Anyway, it wasn't done in malice and at the end of the day it was me who stuck my hands in Sophia's cookie jar. I take full responsibility. If I had to place the blame on anyone else it would be Don Julio."
"Santana..." Dave started.
"No, enough. I'm not going to let you blame this girl for the hot mess that Sophia and I made. I'm not going to stop making friends with women who may have had some confusing moments in their lives regarding their sexuality. Women are far more fluid with their sexuality than men. Tons of women have fantasies about lady loving. I can't go around gauging how straight or gay my new friends are, I just like who I like, okay? I like being around Brittany. I feel..." Santana started, and then stopped.
"You feel what, Santana?" Kurt asked.
"I feel like a part of myself that I don't get to express very much is safe with her. I just feel relaxed, comfortable, like she already gets me like maybe not too many people get me."
"Oh shit..." Dave said.
"What?"
"Shit, shit shit..."
"What the hell is it, Shrek?" Santana said.
"You don't want to be with her, you want to be with her."
"What are you talking about?"
"Like, you can see yourself in a real relationship with her. Like walking hand and hand on the beach..."
"You sound like Natasha. Lady Hummel must really be subjecting you to a nauseating amount of romantic musicals in what could only be described as the most pathetic case of Netflix and chill, where people actually watch Netflix and then...chill," Santana shuddered, disgusted by the thought.
"Don't change the subject," Mercedes started.
"Ok, let me get this straight. You guys held your first intervention because you thought that Brittany may have a crush on me, which would have been a problem because I don't really do relationships. Now, it's a problem because I may want to have a relationship, which by the way I don't, and so I still somehow need an intervention from you merry band of idiots?"
"What if you're just an experiment, and then you get your heart broken?" Sugar asked sadly.
"Oh poor, sweet, dense, Sugar, I won't get my heart broken, because I'm not in love."
"If you have sex with her and she doesn't fall in love with you your heart will be broken," Sam said sadly.
"If I have sex with her she will fall in love with me, trust me, which is why I won't have sex with her." Santana smirked.
"Ugh, you're insufferable," Quinn scoffed.
"So stay out of my business or else I'm just going to stop treating you like my real friends and start treating you like my work friends. I don't want to but you know I will. I'm being serious here. I don't come to you all to be judged, and I know you all love me but I need you to believe in me too. I believe in all of you. I believe Quinn is going to snag some snooty man who will give her a mansion to host parties in where they serve sandwiches cut into triangles that don't have meat in them. Rachel will marry Finn and sing on Broadway and I will applaud as long as she only sings because that's the only time her opening her mouth doesn't make me want to hurl things out of a window. I believe that maybe it is possible for a grizzly bear to mate with a koala bear and not kill it because Dave and Kurt have made me a believer. I believe a man with lips like a guppy can actually be cute because of Sam and that a woman who sings with all of the soul in the world can fall for that same trouty mouthed guy who did a Justin Bieber tribute during one of his sets. I believe that Sugar actually has Asperger's and that she's not just insane. I believe in you guys. I need you all to believe in me."
They all got quiet for a moment and let those words sink in.
"I see something in her," Santana said softly. "I see me, not really that long ago, when the world came at me fast and I didn't know where to go or what to do. I had Nani, and then I had you guys. She's been here a year and a half and all of that time she had nobody. Now she has me, and maybe that won't be enough but I know for a fact it's better than nothing. She hangs out with me and I don't see the same person I saw in the coffee shop, I see a flower blooming. She has a story to tell and until now she had no one to tell it to, so if one day she wants to tell it I want her to know that she can tell it to me and I'll keep it to myself. Maybe I'll even help her with it."
"Santana..." Kurt said.
"Don't go getting any softer than you already are on me Lady Hummel, as if that's even possible. Let it go."
Kurt looked at Dave and Dave smiled at him knowingly.
Brittany wasn't the only one with a crush.
"And I don't want anyone giving her a hard time because of what other people have done. Yeah, I know, I'm a crazy woman magnet but I also have some crazy friends and that worked out for me just fine."
"I thought Brittanys were on your 'no fly' list," Quinn smirked.
"Yeah, well, I may have to reevaluate that list. I've never met a Brittany like her before," Santana replied and all of her friends fell silent.
If she wanted them to stand down she knew that they would, because Santana knows they would always step in when she needed them. They've already done it once before.
When Saturday morning came Santana was up before the sun rose. She had picked up her father's bike the night before and packed her things for the ride. She had also brought along everything Brittany would need to ride safely. She knew she didn't really need all of that gear, she would get them there and back safely especially riding with her crew, but she wanted Brittany to feel safe and secure. She loved the way she looked in her jacket, that tight tee shirt and even tighter jeans. Santana was starting to think she invited her along more for herself than she did because Brittany wanted to ride.
Who is she kidding, of course she did.
Santana called to let Brittany know she was on her way and Brittany told Santana that she was welcome to come upstairs and make sure that she didn't overpack. Santana parked her bike and Brittany buzzed her in, and when Santana reached Brittany's door it was already cracked so that Santana could walk in. Santana tapped lightly on the door before hearing Brittany respond.
"Come on in, Santana. I'm ready, just shutting off all of my lights."
"No rush, Britt, there's plenty of time," Santana answered honestly. While she is never late there is never a time where they ride out exactly when they say they are. Something always has them starting out a few minutes late, and even if she didn't ride out with them she would easily catch up to them.
"Hey Santana," Brittany said, emerging from the back of the apartment with her hair down in long blonde curls. She had on tight black jeans and black boots, a black Hard Rock Cafe tee that made her boobs look amazing. Santana's mouth literally watered. Ugh, why do girls wear the tightest shit they own when she invites them on her bike? She doesn't know why, but she's thankful anyway.
"You look amazing, Ohio."
"So do you, New York."
Santana was wearing black slim fit motorcycle jeans and black motorcycle boots, a long sleeve black armored motorcycle shirt with a black leather vest over it. She had on dark shades and her hair was loose, which if she did as she had done when she and Santana first rode together she will tie into a ponytail and tuck it in her helmet in a way that prevented it from flying back into Brittany's face.
"Nice vest," Brittany said, admiring the many patches all over it. Her eyes settled on the name embroidered right over her left breast. "So they call you Snixx?" Brittany smiled.
"Yeah, it's my road name they gave me when I first joined up with the club. It was better than when they tried calling me Satan or Diabla. My Catholic abuela would not have taken well to seeing that across my chest whenever I went out riding with my father."
Brittany laughed.
"They threw Songbird around as my name for a while, but every time people find out that you know how to sing they want you to put on a show for them in the middle of some random bar. It can be a pain in the ass, and so thankfully they listened to my concerns over that name. Plus I like Snixx. Songbird sounds like someone who would get her ass kicked, you'll think twice about taking on Snixx." Santana smiled. "They also initially spelled it with 3 X's but because of the whole amateur porn video thing it's self explanatory why I wouldn't want that."
Brittany smiled at her new friend. She certainly could understand. She could also understand why people would want to listen to her sing all day.
"And what do the patches mean? I always wanted to know that," Brittany said, moving closer and running her fingers over one of the patches.
"Well that one you're touching is special to me. It's a patch I was given when I went on my 10th charity ride. I already had my member patch by then but that's the one I got where I really felt like a part of this club. Some of the patches commemorate special rides, rallies I've attended, but my favorite patch I wear is on my back," Santana said, turning around so that Brittany could see the insignia on her back.
"Tainted Angels," Brittany read. There was a picture of a gold bike, the black silhouette of a sexy woman straddling it with red angel wings on her back.
"That's our club colors," Santana said proudly. The patches, or rockers, tell you a lot about who is wearing them. I'll teach you how to read them as we go along. Also, I belong to a riding club and not a motorcycle club and the rules are far less strict but as a general rule across the board with clubs we don't touch someone's colors and if you do by mistake simply apologize. You can find out who's a criminal, who deals with drugs, who has escaped death, their military experience, what they do for a living, where they are from, just a ton of stuff. The patches on a biker's jacket or cut tells the story they want to tell others about their lives."
"This one is cute, what does it mean?" Brittany asked, raising her hand but refraining from touching a heart shaped patch with different colored stripes.
"Britt, you can touch my patches, and I promise you nobody will say a thing to you for doing so," she said, taking Britany's hand and placing it on the patch on her chest. "The colors are the big patch on my back. That one you're touching means that I'm a lesbian," Santana smiled. "Everybody knows the rainbow, but those are the colors of the lesbian flag. Not that it actually stops some of these bikers from trying anyway."
Brittany smiled softly.
"So, I brought you some gear to wear again, but I promise to keep you safe, Ohio. We're going to take our time getting up there, we'll go to the rally, we'll grab something to eat and later that night we'll meet up with some of the other clubs at the bar."
"Sounds like fun."
"Great, and if you feel uncomfortable we can leave, or you can just stick close to me, whatever works for you."
"I'll be fine, Santana."
"I know you will, Britts."
"I'm ready to roll!" Brittany said excitedly, almost bouncing on her toes. She went to grab her small bag and Santana took it from her smiling. She put on the the gear that Santana brought for her, sliding into the jacket as Santana walked through the door and waited for her to lock it behind them.
Once downstairs Santana packed Brittany's bag into the carrier and handed her the helmet. She smiled when she saw that Brittany remembered how to put it on properly. Santana climbed onto the bike and watched as Brittany climbed behind her more sure than she had been the weekend before. Santana started the bike and smiled as Brittany's hands slid around her waist. Then she pulled out and headed towards the clubhouse.
The ride was only about 15 minutes to the clubhouse, and Brittany was stunned by the number of bikes and people she saw outside. When Santana pulled up and parked she removed her helmet and was instantly greeted by a number of people. Brittany loved watching how her dark hair fell across her shoulders.
Even though it was an all female club there were some men around. Brittany rightly assumed that they were the husbands or boyfriends of other club members who had been invited along for the ride. Brittany was a little shocked but tried not to show it when Santana was greeted by a slightly older woman who instantly engaged her in a conversation that had her laughing and grinning from ear to ear. A few short moments into the conversation Santana pulled Brittany forward by her waist to introduce her to the woman. It felt so forward, so commanding, and yet Santana hadn't even noticed she had done it. She was so busy laughing with the woman and simply wanted to bring Brittany into the conversation.
"I brought a friend along with me for the ride," Santana said.
"I see," the woman smiled at Santana, bringing her eyes back to Santana for a moment before returning her gaze to Brittany.
"This is my friend Legs," Santana said, unable to hold back the mischievous grin. "Legs, this is Cougar."
"Nice to meet you Cougar."
"Good to meet you Legs."
"I'll see you out there Cougar, going to take Legs inside and grab us something before we head out."
"Smart girl," she smiled before Santana turned, grabbing Brittany's hand to help her navigate through the crowd. Santana stopped briefly to greet other riders and introduce her before they finally made it inside where there was pastries, fruits and beverages on a long table. When they stopped at the long table and Santana handed her a plate Brittany took the moment to speak to Santana.
"Legs?" Brittany asked, a slight grin on her face.
"Hey, you seem like a pretty private person so didn't want to overshare the whole Brittany from Ohio thing, so it felt like a good time to try a club name out on you, since everybody here has one. Plus, I saw those things when you came to hear me sing. I know you weren't lying when you said you were a dancer, because your legs are fit and they go on for days. Trust me, the name suits you," Santana said, smiling slyly at Brittany.
Brittany blushed slightly but tried to hide it. "Flirting before you even feed me breakfast. You're changing on me already."
"Some people need coffee to wake up, I need my first flirt of the day. Now I'm ready to ride," Santana joked.
"Glad to be of service," Brittany replied sarcastically.
The women grabbed their breakfast and then made their way to the end of a long table where some other club members were eating and chatting. They all greeted Santana enthusiastically and she introduced Brittany to each person she spoke to. They were happy to have her along for the ride, and she sat for a while speaking to a member named Peaches who had recently become a full fledged member. Apparently Santana was her sponsor. She was sweet and kind of shy, but the ladies embraced her, she said. She thought Santana was really nice, and she remembers fondly the time that the members packed the club where Santana worked in order to hear her sing. They made sure to spend a lot of money and tip well and make a good impression. That was when she realized how often these ladies showed up for one another. Coming out for Santana wasn't club business, but it's something that personally meant a lot to her and so it meant a lot to her sisters in her riding club. Peaches wanted to be a part of a family like that.
Brittany could see for herself how much these people meant to Santana, as her wide smile shined and the older women joked with her. Brittany kind of loved when she smiled like that, as if every cell in her was filled with joy. She suddenly wanted to paint the woman, just like this. She wanted to capture her better than any photo could. This is the painting she would hang on her wall, although if she were being truthful, she could have looked at her first painting of her forever as well.
They sat and ate for a while, and Brittany met so many women that she can't remember all of their names. After about an hour it was time for them to ride out, and Brittany could feel the excitement as everyone headed for their bikes.
"You ready, Legs?"
"I stay ready so I don't have to get ready, Snixx," Brittany said, and Santana broke out into a wide grin.
"Woah, give a girl a nickname and she gets all badass on you."
"I'm in a clubhouse filled with women in tight jeans and leather, I have to up my game."
"You're with Snixx, doll, you have nothing to worry about." Santana smiled. "Come on Legs, let's mount up."
Santana walked towards the door and Brittany followed. Once outside Santana handed Brittany her helmet and put on her own. They waited a few minutes before getting on their bike.
"Give everyone a moment to get into position. We will ride somewhere in the middle. We roll out by rank and we have two tail gunners in the rear. They ride in the back of the pack for safety reasons. We will ride somewhere in the middle and take it nice and slow."
"Sounds good."
"So let's roll, Legs"
"Let's roll, Snixx."
After a few minutes the pack began to slowly move. Within 15 minutes they were all rolling through the streets of Manhattan heading towards the highway.
Brittany quickly settled in, feeling like they had done this countless times before when in reality it had only been once. She listened to motorcycles rumble all around her as they rode in formation 2 by 2 down the highway occupying a single lane. All of those bikes roaring, Brittany understood why Santana said she would appreciate the way this helmet was made on the ride. The noise was not overbearing. A few minutes in she heard Santana address her.
"Ok Legs, we're about to hit the highway. It's a beautiful day for a ride. Relax and enjoy the views."
"Got it, Snixx," Brittany answered, and she could see the smile on Santana's face without actually seeing it.
Santana was right, it was a beautiful day for a ride, as the group made its way up the highway to the roads outside of the city limits. They continued along as Brittany viewed the world in a new way, and she felt more free by the minute. She was thankful for this gift, this friendship, that Santana has offered her. It's the first time New York has felt like a home for her and not a hideaway.
Santana makes this place feel like home, like a place where she wants to be, not where she has to be.
As they rode that way Santana felt how natural it felt to have Brittany's arms wrapped around her waist. She thought back to what Dave had said, "You don't want her, you want her." Truth is Santana has nothing against relationships. She's not hiding from love or trying to maintain some bad girl image. The truth of the matter is that some people are just bad at relationships, and she always finds people who are really bad at them. At some point a person just realizes that maybe it's not the other person, maybe they are the common denominator. Yeah, the women she dates are crazier than wearing socks with a bikini but she's the one who chose them. What does that say about her? Better to refrain from relationships until she figures out what that's all about.
About half way through the ride Brittany saw one of the riders in the front signal something. She had seen them doing different signals since the beginning of the ride. This time, though, Santana spoke.
"Road Captain says it's time for a break. We'll be pulling over at the next rest area."
"Okay" Brittany replied.
About 10 minutes later the bikers began rolling into a rest area. They all began pulling their bikes over at the far end of the lot.
Santana removed her helmet and began to get off the bike. Brittany did the same.
"How're you doing back there, Legs?" Santana smiled.
"Pretty good, Snixx."
"You're a good partner," Santana grinned. "Listen, we'll be here a while, 20 or 30 minutes. This is the time some people take to fuel up the bikes or themselves. They get their gas, their coffee, use the restroom, smoke, talk, whatever. You gotta go?"
"Not yet, but I wouldn't mind stretching my legs."
I wouldn't mind stretching those legs either, Santana thought, but she knew better than to share those thoughts.
"Sounds like a good idea. Let's go inside. I'm one of those weirdos that secretly loves rest areas. I like to see what foods they sell, how overpriced their Starbucks is, how clean their bathrooms are. I just like to observe."
Brittany smiled. "You're not a weirdo, I kind of like some rest areas as well."
"Oh yeah? For me, it's the whole city kid thing. I didn't travel a lot as a kid, it was just my mom and me at home for most of my childhood. My father was a father whenever he felt like being one, which meant most everything, including finances, fell on my mom when they split. Hell, it was probably like that when they were together sometimes as well. Come on Legs, I'll treat you to a snack and another Lopez tale."
"How can I turn that down?"
"Only a fool would," Santana replied, and Brittany had to laugh at how serious she sounded when she said that, like who wouldn't want to hear her stories? There was something about the way Santana met everything with such ease that made Brittany feel full inside.
The ladies saw a sandwich shop in the rest area and decided to split a sandwich. They ordered a bag of plain chips and two drinks and decided to grab a seat outside so they could see when the group started to round up to leave. They knew they still had a few minutes when they noticed a line of bikes getting gas as well as a few of the women still trailing in and out of the restroom. Still, they ordered small so that they didn't have too much to try and eat in a short period of time.
The ladies divided out the lunch and Brittany soon spoke. She was interested in hearing more about Santana's life.
"So, you were saying..." Brittany started.
"Oh yeah, well we didn't have much, but my grandmother always had these cool tales of going to sit ins and protests and traveling by bus and stopping places and seeing things, meeting new people, all of that stuff. So to me, on the rare occasions we did travel, if it was a road trip, everything was exciting to me, including stopping at the rest areas, wondering where the other people had been, where they were going. So something about a rest area triggers a memory of young Santana escaping the concrete jungle and seeing something beautiful and new."
"That sounds nice."
"Maybe soon I'll get to hear a story about little Legs? I don't want to push, but I'm not nearly as self absorbed as I must sound since I'm the only one telling tales. I'm not pushing, just don't want you to think I'm obnoxious."
"No, I know you're not obnoxious or self absorbed. There's just not a lot to tell about life in Ohio."
"It's cool. Not everyone is an open book. Still, just want to put it out there, I'm really interested in getting to know you, Brittany."
It was the way she said it, how she didn't call her "Ohio" or "Legs" or "Doll" or "Britts". She wants to know Brittany.
"I really like getting to know you too, Santana."
"Great. Well, here's to getting to know you," Santana said, raising her cup.
"Here's to getting to know you too."
Cougar watched the two women sitting and sharing their meal. She smiled softly. She had a soft spot for Santana, almost like she was a daughter of hers. Santana had been riding with the club since she was 19. Cougar was a friend of her dad's and had been Santana's sponsor when she was a prospect in the club. They had grown close, as she taught her what it meant to be a part of their sisterhood. She had come into the club when she and her dad had begun riding together. Santana took to it quickly, having ridden on her dad's bike with him in the years before their relationship became strained. Her dad belongs to a club for Harley riders and had always spoken of the brotherhood. He made it seem so exciting. He was not a part of the hardcore motorcycle clubs with the strict rules and hardcore members. He was just a guy who liked to ride his Harley with his friends. So when Santana told him she was thinking of looking for a club to join he guided her towards Cougar. He knew their club was just like his, and it was just the type of club Santana needed. They were just a group of women who participated in organized rides, had social gatherings and did charitable work for their community. He felt that the least he could do was educate her about all sides of life when it came to avid riders, and to show her which were the right and the wrong ways to go. He knew that handing her over to Cougar would be the right way to go.
Cougar was instrumental in bringing Santana closer to her father. Santana liked the woman, but she didn't really trust her as she was easing her way out of the closet. She wouldn't talk to Cougar about anything but bikes, as Cougar helped her take parts from the donor bike in the clubhouse and repair her own. Cougar was impressed by her knowledge of bikes, in her knowledge of how to ride in a pack. She knew that she must have learned that from her father Mateo, who everyone calls Wolf. Cougar had wanted to call Santana "Little wolf" when she was a prospect but she knew that Santana would never approve. In many ways Santana reminds her of the man that she strives hard not to be like. First of all they're both killers with the ladies. They have the same temperament. They are both charming and flirtatious. They both carry themselves in this sure way. They are so alike, and nothing alike at the same time.
Santana is not a cheater. She loathes cheaters. Santana is loyal beyond measure, family comes first. Santana works hard to keep her word. In those ways, Santana is more a product of her father being a disappointment to her than she is like her father.
One night shortly before Santana became a member they were sitting in the clubhouse and Santana worked on a member's bike changing the brakes. One of her duties as a prospect was to care for the bikes of members when instructed to do so. This night as she worked they sat and decided what name would go on her patch for good.
Cougar knew better than to not invite her into the conversation. She was an obedient prospect, but you could only push her so far. Luckily they were not the hazing type. Still, there were traditions, and Santana had to remain humble. Cougar gave her a voice always, even when she was just a prospect, and Santana used her charm to convince the others to settle on Snixx with two x's. As a member she would ultimately be called whatever she wanted to be called, but it was somewhat of an honor when the members weighed in on what your name would be.
Santana is Santana no matter where she is, but she has never dated another member and certainly never dated a prospect. She has sponsored prospects and she keeps her personal life personal. Her club has seen her flirt with members from other clubs, but she respects her clubhouse. There are members who have dated one another, but it's always been Santana's personal choice to keep her dating life away from the sisterhood. Cougar always admired her for making such an adult choice. As a matter of fact, Santana has only ever brought one other girl on a ride with her. It wasn't Dani, her only long term relationship. It was Nani, her cousin.
And now there's Legs, and Cougar feels like this is a big deal, even though Santana has never mentioned this woman to her before. She mentioned she was bringing someone on the ride, that's it, and everyone assumed it would be Nani. All Cougar knows about Legs is that she makes Santana beam, and that's enough for Cougar. When Cougar met Dani it was only because she had come to hear Santana sing in a band she was performing in. But Santana brought Legs to the clubhouse, introduced her to people, and she wonders if Santana is doing this to let herself fall again. If so it's about damn time. She's too good for all of this bedhopping she does with her "special friends". She deserves so much more but Cougar guesses she gets it from her father. She already knows that Legs isn't one of her special friends, because she would never bring one of them to the clubhouse.
Watching Snixx and Legs sit and have lunch together when Snixx would normally be in the middle of all of the hustle and bustle with the other club members made Cougar smile. She seemed so at peace. Cougar has seen the girl when she was in a storm, everything in life coming at her at once. Now the past few years she has seen her at peace, and with peace comes the ability to relax and open up to more. Maybe she's ready to open up to one more thing in her life.
Cougar, being the Road Captain, would make sure the ladies enjoyed their lunch before calling for the club to hit the road again. This thing between Legs and Snixx needs time to grow, and so Cougar will wait as the women enjoy lunch in the sunlight and hopefully she will see something bloom one day.
Brittany and Santana finished their lunch pretty quickly, and then went to the rest room to use it before hitting the road. Santana filled up her gas tank just in case and then she joined the others who were ready to roll. After a few minutes of getting into formation they were on the road again, both women relaxed and at total peace.
Along the way Brittany thought about what Santana had said. So far Santana knew she had a cat that died and that cat was her best friend. She knew she danced and painted and cooked and was from Ohio. She lived in Stuytown and she never rode a motorcycle until she met Santana. That's about it. Then there's the fact that Santana has invited Brittany to hear her sing, invited her on bike rides, and Brittany has yet to invite her to participate in the things that she likes to do, aside from cooking for her last weekend. Santana has been a good friend to her, the question that Brittany has is whether she has been a good friend as well.
Sure, she knows that Santana must enjoy her company. She obviously knows that Santana is attracted to her because the flirting only became playful after her announcement at the coffee shop that she was as straight as an arrow. Before that Santana had ben dead serious with her flirtations. Still, Brittany notices that Santana just enjoys flirting. She just has a very sexual energy and she embraces it. Brittany would be lying if she said she didn't like it. She would be lying if she said she didn't notice when Santana flirted with other women, and when they flirted back.
Brittany notices that if she catches Santana checking out another woman or flirting with one she feels something. Is it jealousy? She doesn't know. Santana owes her nothing in that department, however she notices that Santana tones it down when she is with Brittany. She focuses in on Brittany. She tends to her. She believes that she is just being a gracious host, after all she invited Brittany to these places and Brittany doesn't know anyone else there. Still, she wonders if it's more. She wonders if she really doesn't want Santana to lose interest in her. This is as close as she's ever come to her fantasy, and she wonders if she likes playing with the idea of it the way Lord Tubbington liked playing with his cat toys. Santana would be a safe choice, because she loves to flirt. Brittany could flirt back and nothing would become of it, because Santana is fluent in flirting. She knows how to play the game. She knows that's all it is, a game.
Brittany was lost in thought, as she rested her chin on Santana's shoulder, the way Santana had told her to if she wanted to as they went into a turn. Except they weren't going into a turn. Brittany doesn't know how long she stayed that way, lost in the conversation with herself that was taking place in her head. All she knew is that she felt safe with whatever she chose to feel, for the first time in a long time. She felt like she didn't fear the possibility of making a mistake, because Santana understood mistakes, and knew they were just a part of life. Santana knew that on the other side of any mistake someone might make would be the opportunity for growth.
Santana held her breath for a moment as she felt Brittany's arms wrap more tightly around her and her chin rest on her shoulder. She started to speak, to say something snarky or flirty or cocky...to be typical Santana, but something...maybe common sense... stopped her. It felt good, and why say something to make that feeling go away? Why say something to change her comfort level, snap her out of it, bring her to her senses, to stop what feels so damn good to Santana right now? Arms tightly wrapped around Santana's waist bringing herself closer to her was all they both secretly wanted right then. Brittany may not be able to speak openly, to answer the many unasked questions that Santana has, but she can do this. She can be free like this, if even for a moment.
The moment didn't last long enough. As soon as Brittany realized what she was doing she slowly pulled back. To move too quickly would maybe be offensive, or seem like she felt like they had done something wrong. She would slowly loosen her embrace as she waited for the flirty or snarky remark that the Santana she was coming to know would surely send her way.
It didn't come. All she heard was the roar of the bike and the bikes around them, and somehow, through all the noise, the sound of her heart beating in her chest.
Santana never spoke, never said a word, as her own mind raced, raced back to the conversation, and remembered what she had to do. She had to control this situation, no matter what, because even though she knows that she has done nothing wrong she knows that Sophia is in pain because of what happened between them. She knows that she can't let that happen again, especially to someone like Brittany who already seems like she's in so much pain, from exactly what Santana has no idea.
Santana doesn't know what it is about this girl. She has been with all types of girls and it used to be so much simpler when she was younger and actually out of the closet. She has had many a curious girl in her bed over the years, even girls from her friend group, but she never had the reaction she got from Sophia before. She's had it short term and a couple of weeks later clarity would come into play. She has had the girls who are embarrassed that they experimented with a girl and would get awkward, wondering if Santana would tell their other friends. Friends as confused as she was once upon a time, confused by what they felt and what they enjoyed, the shame and fear that would sometimes sink in when discovering what it all meant. Santana has been there, and so she treated it delicately. Santana has never been that person who had the need to share sexual conquests and details with others. If such conversations about experiences did come up she never felt the need to name names. She had always been thoughtful and quiet, because she remembers. She will always remember.
There's always that girl, that one girl, when you're struggling with everything you were ever taught about love and marriage and sex. She comes along and you find the courage to leap, to try something new. You're so vulnerable because now she holds your secret, your dark and dirty secret, and it gives her power over you as fear consumes you. How you allowed her to touch you in the dark, so that even you couldn't see, so that you could later pretend that you didn't let it happen, that you didn't enjoy it, that you didn't crave it again and again. Santana remember the first time she cracked open her closet door and let a girl slip in and how so many emotions came in with her, so many that she couldn't even examine the most important emotion, the emotion that revealed to her that this was what was right for her. This was who she was.
So when Sophia was in that place, Santana wishes she were more understanding. She wishes she remembered, and stopped thinking that Sophia was so open about it to them and so she just needed to stop making a big deal out of it about the rest of the world knowing. It is a big deal. Santana knows bravado when she sees it, and it was all just bravado. Sophia had trusted her with something. When she made the mistake of sleeping with her that first night at Natasha's she wasn't in the right state of mind to provide her with a sensual experience. She hadn't been disrespectful, she just hadn't given her an experience she could savor, that she could truly reflect on. She got her off fast, and was going to show her how to return the favor. Then she fell asleep. She at least held her close, but she didn't talk to her. She remembers asking her if she was ok, at least there was that, and then she passed out. The next morning she woke up with Sophia cuddled into her, both of them totally naked. Santana had to struggle hard to remember taking off her own clothes. She had, quickly, before returning to her task, focused more on her own need to get off than she wants to admit.
So their second time together wasn't totally a fluke. She wanted to do better. Sophia deserved better. She even tried telling her that she apologized for not making her first time with a woman more special. She wanted to give her the experience she deserved the first time. She wanted to show her more respect. Santana realizes the second time was about her just like the first time was. It was about her ego. It was about her guilt. Maybe it was about Sophia, but it wasn't only about her. Which is okay, because isn't sex a shared experience, even if you both aren't seeking to get the same thing from the experience?
Then there was the thing that Mercedes said, that now has her thinking. Natasha and Sophia both knew that Santana was more than a little drunk. She had tried to gather herself by removing herself from a situation where she was taking body shot after body shot off of a body that she had done so many amazing things to. She had stopped seeing Jasmine because Jasmine wanted more, and yet she was about to fall down that rabbit hole that night because she was drunk and horny which is a bad combination on a regular day but even worse when you're being tempted by someone you had managed to make an amicable break from. Had she slept with her again maybe their next break wouldn't be as friendly. So Santana stepped away, and stepped right into a flaming pile of Sophia shit.
Still, she takes the bulk of the responsibility. She decided to drink to excess, even if you should be able to drink in the home of a good friend and feel safe. Mercedes maybe had a point, she doesn't owe anyone her niceties anymore.
So Santana has stepped back, done a reset, and hasn't hooked up with anyone since Nikki. Not that hooking up with Nikki was such a long time ago. As a matter of fact she has hooked up with Nikki since she met Brittany, but way back in the beginning of their friendship, the night after Santana had invited Brittany to hear her sing.
It felt wrong. It didn't feel like enough. Alcohol was involved again, and the entire experience felt hollow. It felt like body parts moving together, which is exactly what sex is, but it didn't have that thing that shakes your soul. She realized that night that she hasn't had that in a very long time, and maybe that's what's missing. Maybe she needs to give up sex altogether until she can start to look for that again.
Or maybe just stick with the ones she feels safest with. Then she realized something, she hadn't reached out to either of them in a while either, not even to say hello.
Not since she met Brittany.
And now she's having a hard time understanding how this brief moment, with Brittany holding her tight and resting her chin on her shoulder for no other reason than she just wanted to do so, feels better than anything she and Nikki did not that many nights ago. She feels a warmth in her that reaches a place that Nikki never could reach.
Santana's not sure, but she thinks it may be her heart. It's been so long since she's listened to it, she's not quite sure she can recognize when it's trying to tell her something.
The group rode along, Santana and Brittany quiet until Brittany saw the sign that they were about to enter Albany. She had never been to the capital of New York before, and she was happy to be there with Santana and her club for a good cause. Brittany saw a series of hand signals from the front of the pack and the group began to slow. It was at that time that Santana spoke to her for the first time.
"We're going to cruise in, we have another club a few minutes in front of us and one coming up on our rear. It's going to get crazy now. You're going to see more bikes than you've probably ever seen in one place in your life."
"Looking forward to it," Brittany replied.
Slowly they cruised to the Empire State Plaza where the rally was being held. They made their way to the Capitol building. As they rode through Empire State Plaza Santana pointed out landmarks to Brittany.
"That's The Egg, It's a performing arts center. I'm sure you can guess how it got it's name," Santana said, bringing Brittany's attention to the large, egg shaped structure.
"It's wonderful," Brittany replied.
"It is. We are almost at the Capitol Building. Glad we always arrive early. We'll have a pretty good view of all of the action."
"Sounds good."
They rode until they reached the spot where they would wait for things to start on their bikes. When the entire club had pulled in and claimed a spot members started climbing off of their bikes. Once they were off Santana reached into her jacket pocket.
"I forgot, this is an autism awareness ribbon," Santana said, stopping to pin the ribbon on Brittany. A memento from your first charity ride."
"My first?" Brittany smiled.
"I have the feeling you kind of love it," Santana smirked.
"Are you always so sure of yourself?" Brittany smirked.
"Yes," Santana replied smiling.
"Shut up," Brittany rolled her eyes, laughing.
"Good luck with that," Santana replied, taking the helmet from Brittany's hand and putting both on her bike.
The group chatted for a while, as a sea of riders began to arrive. They found some of their sister clubs and Brittany found herself being introduced to person after person as Santana greeted more people than Brittany has ever known in her life. It was like one huge family reunion for a cause.
Soon the rally started, and with each person who spoke there were loud cheers, or chants or applause. It went on for hours. Santana came prepared, offering Brittany water and even trail mix. She asked if she needed to use the restroom and checked in on her often to make sure that she was comfortable. It was a long, fun day and at the end of the rally they all loaded up and headed over to their hotel.
It was going to take some time to check in, the lobby was literally overrun with riders. The officers in the club were allowed to check in first and the prospects would check in last. Thankfully, many had opted to do the mobile check in and so things were moving swiftly. With Santana being a member for so long she actually didn't have to wait very long to get checked in, and within 35 minutes the ladies were heading to their room.
Santana handed Brittany one of the keys and grabbed Brittany's bag and headed for the elevators. When the crowded elevator made it's way up, dropping a few people here and there at various floors before finally reaching Brittany and Santana's floor, the ladies were relieved to finally be able to relax for a few moments for the first time that day.
"Ugh," Santana grunted, dropping the bags just inside the door. "I am exhausted. Choose a bed Legs, because I'm falling into whichever one you are not using."
"I'm not picky Santana."
"Window or aisle, Ohio?"
"Go choose a bed, New York."
Santana went into the room and took off her jacket, throwing it on the bed nearest the door. She thought that Brittany might like the window. Brittany then went inside and did the same.
"See, now was that so hard?"
"It was brutal," Santana said dryly. She plopped down on the bed and went to pull off her boots. "Legs, I'm about to be terrible company," Santana yawned.
"It's okay," Brittany replied as Santana struggled with her boots. "Here, let me get those for you." Brittany said as she bent down in front of Santana.
"It's okay..."
"Quiet. You've been taking care of me all day. Let me help you for once. You have to be tired after that long ride and then the rally."
"I..." Santana started before Brittany took her heel and lifted it from the floor, pulling off the first boot.
"Thank you," Santana swallowed hard as she felt tingles at how gently Brittany touched her.
"No problem Santana" Brittany answered as she worked on the other boot. She tried not to make eye contact with her again, instead focusing on the boot. Looking up into those brown eyes, long dark lashes accentuating them, it was too much. She stood and finally looked at her again. She smiled at Santana before sitting on her own bed and working on taking her own boots off. She wondered why she had done that. She's never raced to take any of her other's friends boots off before.
Santana looked over at the blonde sitting there working on her boots before she tried to quiet all of the thoughts in her mind. She stood and grabbed the remote for the tv before taking off her motorcycle shirt revealing nothing but a black tank top. She pulled off her jeans and grabbed her bag before going into the bathroom. It was only then that Brittany breathed again.
Why did she struggle so hard not to look Santana's way when she was undressing? After all, she had already seen the woman nude. She had seen her nude, painted her, dipped her brush in the perfect brown hue, and yet this moment seemed more intimate. Santana in black underwear and a black tank top, in a hotel room, it kind of blew her mind. She's been thinking all day. She wants to give Santana more. She wants to share more with her, even if she doesn't totally understand all of her motives for doing so.
Santana used the restroom and washed her face and hands. When she exited the bathroom she had on a pair of short shorts, her hair was down and wild. Brittany thought she still looked beautiful.
"Gonna rest my eyes for a minute, Ohio, if you don't mind. We're meeting up with everyone at 9. I just need about an hour and then if you want to see a little of Albany we can take a ride and I'll show you. It's really not that big so if you want to grab some food afterwards that would work."
"That sounds great."
"Well I sleep like a log so trust me the tv won't bother me. Don't do anything I wouldn't do," Santana said, crawling into the bed and pulling the covers up to her chin.
Santana fell asleep quickly, while Brittany got comfortable in a chair near the window, looking down at the city below. She couldn't relax, and so she decided a hot shower might be nice.
Santana listened as the water ran, her imagination picturing things you should never imagine about a friend. The way the water must look running down her body, down those perfect legs, how her head probably fell back beneath the light spray of the shower.
She was wide awake now.
Santana sighed. She shook the thoughts out of her head, instead remembering Sophia, remembering that she doesn't really know Brittany or what is causing her so much pain. Instead she pictured what she needed to do, not what she wanted to do.
When Brittany exited the bathroom Santana was actually asleep, breathing softly. Brittany smiled. She had never seen Santana like this, so soft and peaceful. She always pictured her the way that she had painted her, like a storm. She didn't see a storm now, she saw serenity. Brittany didn't understand why she wanted to paint her this way, why she always seemed to want to paint her. She always seemed to be inspired by her.
Brittany climbed on top of the covers of her bed and surfed through the channels. She found some old movie on tv that made her laugh and so she watched it for a while. No time seemed to pass before Santana began to stir.
"Hey Ohio," Santana rasped, and Brittany loved the sound of her voice like this.
"Hey New York."
"Hope I didn't keep you too long. I'll get ready and we can have a look around."
"Don't worry. Relax a bit, Santana."
"Okay," Santana smiled softly.
Soon the ladies left, and Santana and Brittany drove slowly around the city with Santana pointing out points of interest to Brittany. Soon they stopped and grabbed a light dinner. They ran into many members of Santana's and other clubs throughout the city as everyone seemed to be enjoying the short trip.
By the time the ladies decided to head back to the hotel it was almost 7 pm. They thought it would be nice to have a few minutes to freshen up before they had to meet Santana's club at the bar. Thankfully the bar was just a 5 minute ride away, but Santana said that they like to meet in the parking lot and all ride over together. Santana said they should be in the lot by 8:50 pm ready to roll, and so they should be relaxed and rested by the time they would roll out.
Once in the room Santana once again kicked off her boots while Brittany did the same. She went to the bathroom and washed her face then she hopped on her bed and grabbed the remote control off the nightstand. She began channel surfing telling Brittany to stop her if she saw anything that interested her.
Brittany went into the restroom and washed her face. She looked at herself in the mirror before taking a deep breath. It was now or never.
Brittany walked back into the room and sat on her bed. Both women were sitting on top of their beds leaning against the headboards on top of the covers.
"Thank you, Santana."
"It's cool, Ohio, I enjoyed having the company."
"Thank you for that, too, but that's not what I'm talking about."
"What are you talking about?" Santana asked, sitting up straight and turning to face Brittany, sitting Indian style on her bed. Brittany mimicked her actions, sitting the same way and facing Santana.
"I haven't really made any real friends here in New York, I didn't really want to."
"Why not?" Santana asked, finally hoping to learn more.
"The friends I left behind in Ohio didn't really know how to support me when things got crazy. I think they felt conflicted. We were all so close, and when things got complicated between Jake and I they just didn't know how to be loyal to both of us, to help us both through our crisis when the two of us decided that we could no longer make it and needed to stop trying."
"Sadly, it happens." Santana responded just to acknowledge that she was listening. She wanted Brittany to continue.
"Jake and I had known each other forever, but we didn't start dating until we graduated from high school. There was just something about the fear of us all going our separate ways that made us stop flirting and finally get serious. Jake is a dancer, like me, but I took it far more seriously than he did. The summer after graduation we became a couple, and it just all went by so fast, those last weeks before we left for school. Next thing you know I was off to college and so was he. Still, we maintained the relationship. We only went to school about an hour and a half away from each other so we saw each other as often as we could find the time, which isn't as often as you would like when you are both college students trying to maintain your grades while participating in extracurricular activities and also making new friends. Jake asked me to do something for him, and it took a bit of convincing but I trusted him. He would never hurt me, not on purpose. I was so sure of that."
Brittany paused and Santana remained silent. She wanted her to finish.
"He asked me to...to send him some...pictures. Intimate pictures."
"Okay," Santana said encouragingly.
"Finally I did. Long story short he got drunk and passed out in his dorm, his roommate got in his phone. Initially the pictures were just shared among his friends. Eventually they made their way to the internet."
"I'm sorry Britt."
"Jake was really apologetic, but then he got thrown out of the dorms for fighting his roommate for what he had done. I was able to get him back in by having a sit down with the powers that be at the university and agreeing not to press charges against the guy that posted those pictures. His roommate was kicked out of the school, and the school avoided any negative attention I would have brought to them had I pursued things differently."
"That sucks."
"Honestly, I don't know if I would have pursued it anyway. My mother really turned on me when she found out. She actually searched the internet trying to find them. Someone pointed her in the right direction. She was disgusted by me."
"Brittany, that's your mother's hang up. The human body is beautiful, your body is beautiful, there is no shame in what you shared with your ex."
"The photos, some of them were kind of...kind of...filthy."
"I don't want to make you uncomfortable. Do you mean that you were touching yourself?"
"Yeah," Brittany almost whispered.
Santana smiled at her encouragingly. "People are so hung up about sex and sexuality. When you took the photos, did you feel sexy?"
"Not at first..."
"But eventually?"
"Yeah, I guess."
"When you saw them, did you feel beautiful?"
"Eventually, especially when Jake went so crazy over them."
"That's nice, but I don't really care how he felt about them, or how your mom felt. Honestly, did you feel beautiful when you first saw them?"
"Yes, I think so."
"So what else matters? Nothing else matters, Britt. Did your boyfriend leave you because of this?"
"Oh no, not at all. He did begin to have a hard time with people bringing it up, with people harassing him about it. Then I saw the comments people would leave, body shaming me. I was too skinny, too pale, trying too hard to be sexy when I wasn't.. it got to me. It felt like everyone who looked at me was seeing me with my clothes off no matter how much I was wearing."
"I've been there, Britt. Even worse they saw me having sex with someone I cared for very deeply. So many times I wished it was with anyone but her, because of how I felt about her, even though she did that stupid thing and posted us online. Some of the things I did with her, I have never done with anyone else. It almost felt like everyone I was with after that had to have an equal or better experience because they saw me, they expect the same of me. It fucked me up for a while. When our relationship ended, and I have to admit that video incident was the beginning of the end, I just didn't know who I had to be with the next person, so I didn't have sex for a while. I just decided it was easier. Then I found myself, and I realized I still decide what I want and what I don't want to do with someone when I'm having sex with them, and nobody can judge me for what I do or don't choose to do with them."
"I can't be like you, Santana."
"You can be better than me, Brittany. They were some pictures, just beautiful pictures. Whether you were touching yourself or just looking in a mirror. They were beautiful because you felt beautiful, because you are beautiful. And touching yourself is not filthy, it's the most honest thing in the world. If you can't get yourself off how can you expect someone else to get you off? Hey, I like the company of a beautiful woman, it's one of my favorite things, but I have to admit some of the most mind blowing orgasms I've ever had I've had alone. There's something so honest when you're getting off alone. You're not trying to be cute or quiet or not make an awful fuck face, you're just focusing on that feeling and nothing else."
"If you say so..."
"You mean to tell me you've never..."
"Masturbated? Not really, not to completion."
"Britt...it's your body. If you can't touch it why should anyone else be able to? Give yourself to yourself first. Get in touch with you, with the things you want, not only in the bedroom but outside of it as well. And you're in so much pain and turmoil over this situation because you keep seeing yourself how others saw you, how your mother saw you. Fuck them Britt. If that's all they can see they don't know you and they don't deserve you."
"I can't."
"Britt, you can. You absolutely can. I know your body is perfect and all I've seen is a perfect pair of legs and if this is a secret then I want you to know it's safe with me, but honestly you have to stop caring who sees it because it gives them power over you. You have to stop hearing their negative comments in your head. You have to stop believing that touching yourself is filthy. Our sexuality is a gift. Without it the population of the world would just dry up. Sex is life, not the only part, not even the most important part, but without it nothing exists."
Brittany remained quiet.
"When I first found out that our tape was on the internet, that some weirdo way on the other side of the globe could see me, I felt naked everywhere I went too. Then I realized, no matter if I do make it and become famous, the number of people who haven't seen it, who will never see it, outnumbers those who have. I can still sing and dance and nothing on the internet changes that. Now I go out and I let people paint me, their versions of me. Maybe they find me grotesque, but then I see something like what you painted and I feel amazing, not because you see me that way, but because I see myself that way too. I need to invite you over to my place so you can see it Britt. I hung it right on my bedroom wall. It's the first thing I see when I wake up and the last thing I see before I fall asleep. Not everybody gets to see me like that. It's why it's in my bedroom. If you're lucky enough for me to invite you into that space then I must believe that you see me that way, too, with or without my clothes on."
Brittany lifted her eyes and looked at Santana.
"Help me feel that way, Santana."
"You're beautiful, Britt. How can you not feel that way?"