What did I just do? Brittany thought. Not only had she told Santana about the pictures, she asked for her help like some pathetic, weak, broken woman. Santana seemed to take it well. The pictures she wasn't worried about, the woman does have a whole sex tape leaked on the internet as well as the fact that she poses nude multiple times a month. It's the brokenness that Brittany worries about, the fact that she would need anyone to help her get through this.
They've been pretty quiet for the past 5 minutes, as if Santana is letting it all soak in. After Brittany finished telling at least part of her story Santana stood up and offered Brittany a hug. Then she went into the mini fridge and grabbed a bottle of water and two glasses, sharing the water between them. They each pretended to watch tv for 5 minutes as they spent the most awkward 5 minutes together since the day they met.
Santana is okay with all of this. More than okay. Of course she understands fully, and she can't say that the entire sex tape thing wasn't another blow to her relationship with her father. Her mother was none too pleased either but she was more angry at Dani than at Santana. Still, Santana felt that her mother at least wondered how she had gotten herself into this mess. She's not sure if her abuela knows, if so she has chosen not to comment on it. Same with her grandmother, who was always supportive and so Santana isn't sure her "keep your head up" pep talks were because she could see that her granddaughter was struggling or if they were because she actually knew what Santana was struggling with. It was a hard time, but it was Nani who didn't let her hang her head in shame. Nani was by her side as often as possible, and if anyone dared to bring it up when Nani was around she made sure to remind Santana who she was and the two of them together would tear that person apart with their words. Then afterwards, when the threat was gone and the shame would creep in it was Nani who stood tall with Santana, fighting it all off.
Soon Santana allowed her friends in, and they were supportive. They never judged her. If anything, they judged Dani. Santana knows that's why they are not as forgiving of Sophia and Natasha. They think that Santana forgives too easily since what went down between her and Dani happened. They believe that she takes more than her fair share of the responsibility for some of her mistakes. Maybe she does. She's trying to figure it all out. She's still a work in progress.
Brittany is stressing out, she can tell, and she has to do something to let her know that everything is okay, that nothing has changed between them. She has to give her the vulnerable parts of Santana, the parts that she tries to forget, the part she left behind when she came to terms with her past, her hurts and the people who have hurt her.
"Britt," Santana said softly, more softly than Brittany has ever heard her speak before. "I don't want to make it seem like this will be an easy journey. Maybe it's a lifetime journey. I don't want to give you the impression that I have it all together. I'm still trying to figure out things about myself, things that I need to change, things that I think I need to keep as they are. I'm 26 years old, I'm not going to have it all figured out this quickly. I'm still young, still just starting out in some ways, and in some ways I feel like a total mess. Still, I have reclaimed my body, reclaimed the ability to be intimate in the ways that I choose, and that feels amazing. Britt, it's not going to happen overnight, but it's going to happen. In a few years it will all be old news. You may not realize it but for a lot of people it already is."
Brittany sighed, "It will never be old news for my mother."
"And it will never be old news for my father, Britt. My papi, he has all of this machismo, all of these ideas who a woman should be, who his daughter should be. I'm not her. I'm never going to be that person. A very long time ago I learned that I can't live trying to make him proud. Whatever I do it won't be good enough. I realize now that it won't be good enough because it won't be my authentic self. I won't even really be who he wants me to be. I would just simply be miserable. At the end of the day I need to love me more than I need him to love me. That's my only chance at happiness."
"You're right, I know, but my mother and I were close once. My stepfather has cancer and she's going through a lot and I'm all the way here in New York city running from a few dirty pictures and ugly comments."
"Don't simplify it, Brittany. There's never a reason to stay and take someone's abuse, not even your own parents," Santana sighed. She was about to admit something to Brittany that she doesn't admit to anyone, even if they probably already know.
"My dad wasn't a good dad, and it felt like, growing up, that the more he showed that I wasn't important enough for him the more I chased after his love. He barely found time for me growing up. I can't tell you how many times he missed his weekend with me because he had some ass lined up for the weekend. That was the least of it. Whatever I needed my mother made sure that I had. You don't know how many times I heard "I don't have it". I need new shoes, or I need money to go to one of my singing competitions in high school, or sometimes something as simple as spending money for a trip to the movies. "I don't have it." But his bike, his women, he always managed to have enough to keep both around. Then one day a couple of years ago he shows up with this new bike. When we started riding he always promised me that when he got a new bike that old one was mine. He loved it like it was his baby and so nobody deserved to ever own it but his actual kid. Well he shows up on this bike one day and I think he's going to hand me the keys to his old one and that I just inherited my first Harley. Nope, he sold it, said he needed the cash to get this bike, which is fine, but he could have sat me down and told me. To him it was just a bike, to me it was the first time he really was going to give me something that meant something to him, because obviously his DNA doesn't mean shit to him. Sometimes I don't even feel like his kid. So when life was kicking me in my ass he decided it would be a good time to be involved in my life, just long enough to tell me not to be a dyke or to ask me why am I fucking people on the internet. He doesn't want his friends jerking off to his daughter on some porn website. I told him he needed new friends. So yeah, my dad is an asshole, and I secretly love him like crazy and secretly want him to love me back. They're our parents Britt, but they're not perfect and sometimes they need to grow up too. My dad is growing up. The less I need from him the closer we get because I don't depend on him. I can't depend on him. Maybe when you stop needing your mom's approval you will be closer one day, too. Maybe not, but I promise you, living to make her happy will only make you miserable."
"Sorry about your dad."
"Sorry about your mom. Britt, I can't fix your life, but I will promise you that I can be a friend, a friend that won't have to choose a side between you and any guy. Your friend, just yours."
"Thank you, Santana."
"Hey, I've been thinking about trimming my friend list down recently anyway, so that means I have an opening," Santana smiled.
"I think I'll put in an application, then."
"You've already been officially approved, Britt."
With the mood lighter the women began to get ready to go to the bar. They got dressed and by the time they got to the lobby quite a few of the other members were already there. Santana was happy to be back in her element, what happened in the room was heavy and she wasn't used to being heavy with Britt. Their friendship was light and free but somehow this is what Santana had been craving. She had been craving knowing more about Brittany. She still wants to know even more and she even thinks that maybe being on the other side, helping someone through a similar situation, will help her as well. It does have her thinking about the people she has in her life, who needs to go, who needs to stay, and which relationships need to be addressed. More than anything now, it has her thinking about her dad. She knows that soon she's going to sit him down and tell him how she really feels, even if she loses him because of it.
Once the group had all met up in the parking lot they made their way over to the bar. There were already a ton of bikes parked outside. Santana explained that they were meeting their sister club there, and it was likely some other clubs would be present as well since so many of them were in town.
Once inside Brittany was impressed with the size of the place. She guesses she had expected some small place with big biker guys shooting pool and breaking chairs over each other's heads. There were biker guys there, drinking, but it was really civil. There was a lot of laughing and loud music and people shooting pool. Lots of people huddled in corners trying to have conversations over the loud music. By the way a smile spread across Santana's face she was really looking forward to seeing some of these people.
"Come on Legs, let me show you around. There are some ladies here from another chapter of the Tainted Angels. If you get sick of my company feel free to mingle. Be careful with some of these guys, though. If the wrong type of club shows up we will leave anyway, but you don't want to get mixed up with some of these guys."
Brittany followed Santana over to a group of women who greeted Santana enthusiastically. They hugged and laughed and finally when things calmed down she introduced Legs to the group. Before both women knew it they had a beer in their hand and an arm around their shoulder and women were telling crazy stories and both of them were laughing their asses off. It was exactly what they needed.
Brittany couldn't believe how easy it felt, how these women just embraced anyone who was said to be one of them. She was with Snixx, and so because of that Legs must be okay. She had no idea who was paying for these beers but the moment one bottle got low then someone would instantly hand over another. It was like a family reunion.
Santana couldn't help it, she couldn't stop stealing looks at Brittany. She had never seen her like this, laughing until her sides hurt. She was tall and stunning. An older member of her sister club, a woman they called Big Mama who wore a patch very similar to Santana's patch but it wasn't heart shaped wrapped a strong arm around Santana's shoulder and leaned and spoke close to her ear so that she could hear her.
"Where did you find the blonde, Snixx?"
"Heaven," Santana answered smiling.
"Who the hell did you bribe to let you in there?" she laughed, kissing her on the cheek. "Seriously, she's fucking adorable. If I was 30 years younger you would have to hide her from me."
"I'm hiding her from you now, Big Mama. You've still got it, doll, and I know you and the blondes."
"A bull shitter like your father, except you're far better looking, but you ain't lying about the blondes. These days it's more like the grays," Big Mama laughed and Santana joined in. "Shit, that's more for me, lot of grays out there. Listen, seriously, she looks good on you, Snixx."
"She's just a friend," Santana said.
"Hey, you've had a crazy ride, man. I remember when we thought we were going to have to tie you to one of the clubhouse chairs to slow your ass down. You're growing up nice. You make us proud. You're the future of this club. Long after all of us old timers are gone you're going to be telling the prospects about us and all of the crazy shit we did, the crazy shit we got you girls out of. You, Pickles and Dynamite and all of those other wild ones we helped tame. Fuck man, those were some times! The three of you made me glad I never had kids. I had you crazy fuckers, though, and it meant the world to me."
Santana laughed with the older woman. "Glad we had you too, would probably be in prison together if we didn't, and a woman's prison would have been the death of Pickles. The girl needs her penis."
"Cougar and I talk about you girls all of the time. You all grew up real nice. I know Wolf gave you a hard time, and I hope we were there for you when you needed us. I pulled you to the side because that Diamond chick is here. Don't let her annoy you or your lady. That spicy side of you, give her the night off. I like seeing you laugh like this. If you need somebody to handle it I'll make sure it's handled."
"I'm good Big Mama, trust me. We had one road trip fling two years ago, hooked up a couple of times, it was a fucking long and crazy ride, you know how it is," Santana laughed, knowing that she's seen Big Mama find herself a female companion for a road trip, somebody you hook up with for as long as the ride is, someone from another club, and at the end of the ride you've made some good memories. Problem is Diamond thought that Snixx would be her choice for every ride their clubs met up for. "That's why I don't fuck with anyone that's a Tainted Angel, no matter what chapter they come from."
"Smart girl. Listen. Have fun, enjoy your time with your lady, your sisters are here if you need us. It won't be a scene. She gets out of line this time I'll make sure I have a chat with the right people to pull her pretty ass in line."
"I'm great, Big Mama, and Legs is a free agent. Still, I won't tolerate anybody fucking with her."
"Just keep your temper, Snixx. Keep your temper. You look happier than the last time I saw you. Don't know if it's Legs or something else but whatever it is keep doing it. Don't let some crazy chick drag you down, hun."
"Anything for you, Big Mama." Santana replied.
The two turned their attention back to the group, Brittany still laughing as a member named Pumpkin told a story about some wild clubhouse party that lasted an entire weekend where Snixx got drunk and gave an entire concert on top of the pool table. Big Mama noticed how Santana was smiling more at Brittany than she was at the memories the ladies shared of the times they had together.
Looks like Snixx really is growing up.
That second beer had Santana needing to make a break for the bathroom. When she exited the stall the very person Big Mama had warned her about was staring her in the face.
"Hey Snixx."
"Hello, Diamond."
"Long time."
"Long time indeed."
"See you made a new friend."
"Made a lot of new friends. I'm sure you have too."
"Listen, sorry about what happened last time, I had no business getting jealous. I know how it goes."
"You fucked up a good memory, that's for sure."
"So we could make a new one. I'll be doing the fall cross country ride, I know you will be too. You never miss one. The shit we could do at every stop."
"I don't think so Diamond. There's a lot of ass on those rides, you'll be okay."
"Mmmmm, but that thing you do when you're angry, I've been thinking about it since it happened. I want you to fuck me when you're like that, all angry and rough."
Santana can't say that she didn't find that offer just a little tempting, on a carnal level at least, but she wasn't going there.
"Who is that blonde you're with Snixx, she's cute."
"That's Legs, and you don't have a chance."
"And why do you call her Legs? Is it because she wraps them around you?"
"You already know why, and you haven't even seen them up close."
"That's the best you could come up with for a beautiful woman like that?"
"She also has a great ass, but I thought we would save the name ass for you in case you ever need an alias, for totally different reason than your ass looks great though, of course."
"I'd let you call me Great Ass," she smirked.
"Nope, just Ass. Jackass, pain in the ass, I can think of a few more."
"Do you think she would mind if she knew all of the things we did?"
"I don't think she would give a single shit. I have better than I gave you in me, doll."
"Do you think she would join us?" Diamond smiled.
"Come on now Diamond, you know that's not the type of woman you share, and trust me I don't need any help when it comes to pleasing a woman, but you already know that, don't you?"
"Seriously, I just wanted to apologize for last time. You wouldn't answer my calls."
"You may have thought it was okay for you to be confrontational with someone I was fucking with, as if you own me or exclusive rights to my body, but I didn't like it one bit. I don't care if I'm in a relationship or just fucking for the duration of the ride like we do, I don't allow for a woman to be disrespected while she is keeping company with me. I wouldn't have allowed anyone to get in your face, and I certainly wouldn't allow you to get in Ladybug's face as long as we were together that weekend. I treated you with respect. You did not return the favor. She's a member of your club, your sister. That shit would never fly with the Tainted Angels, disrespecting each other in public over some hook up. Me fighting you and defending that girl had her thinking we were going to be together forever. Still, I appreciate the apology and I accept it, as long as you never come at me that way again. I don't do bar fights, doll. That was my last one. I'm getting too old for that shit."
"You're right, she's a member in my club, and she should have asked me before she went for you. You know the way it works, it was a respect thing. It was up to her to come to me if she was going to hook up with you. It's water under the bridge now, she will play by the rules next time. Still, for someone your size you throw a pretty decent punch."
"Yeah, sorry about that. Still, that was some shit you all were supposed to handle in house. I never should have known about it. Wasn't my job to check in with you about hooking up with her. You're not my lady."
"Yeah, I know, and I know I jumped on you first, but I was going for her you know."
"Yes you did, and as I said if she was spending time with me I couldn't allow that to happen. It was my thing to deal with. You put me in a bad position. Who the fuck wants to hook up with a woman who wouldn't protect them? I'd look like shit standing there letting you attack her regardless if it was between sisters."
"Again, I'm sorry."
"We live and learn, doll." Santana said, before drying her hands and turning to face Diamond. "And for the record, if you're asking for the go ahead to go for Legs I don't own her, but I already know you'd be wasting your time," Santana said before walking out the door.
Like she's been saying, everybody she fucks turns out to be insane.
Santana was ready to leave. Two beers was usually her limit when she had to ride the next day especially with a passenger in her care and after seeing Diamond she was just ready to go. The girl had a jealous streak no matter how evolved she was trying to act right now. Santana doesn't trust her, and if Santana responded the way she did for someone who she was just sleeping with on a ride she doesn't know what she would do if Diamond bothered Brittany.
When Santana arrived back at the table it was Brittany who was talking excitedly, telling some story about when she was a cheerleader. Santana had to laugh even if she had no idea what the story was about since she didn't hear it all. She could see Brittany as a cheerleader. She's seeing glimpses of a girl who is bubbly, not subdued like she has come to know her. She's seeing the person that was hiding beneath a secret that's been released, that had seemingly been crushing everything that she truly is.
"Fucking adorable," Big Mama said, wrapping her arm around Santana's shoulder and pulling her in.
"Fucking hot," Santana mumbled. " I wanted to call it a night, but she's having a ball isn't she?"
"Oh yeah, not a chance. She's about to go outside and prove she knows how to do something called an aerial. I have no fucking clue what that is but does it make me a dirty old woman if I want to see it?"
Santana laughed, "Absolutely fucking not."
"Apparently, like you, the girl likes a challenge. Cinnamon was a cheerleader and she thought she was top shit because she was at the top of the pyramid. Legs started telling cheerleading stories and the rest is history."
"Seems like it's about to be a cheer off in this bitch."
"I really fucking hope so," Big Mama said.
Brittany finished her story and then pulled off her jacket. It wasn't until that moment that Santana knew she was serious.
"How many did she have?" Santana asked Big Mama.
"Couple of beers. They're just having a little fun. She's sober as a nun."
Brittany's arms looked amazing in that tight tee. So did her breasts. Santana swallowed hard. She handed Santana the jacket as she walked past and winked at her. She did it with such confidence that Santana could do nothing but take the jacket and follow along with the other ten or so women who were at the table. On the way out Big Mama waved Cougar over to see the show.
"Okay Legs, you're telling me you can do an aerial, especially in those jeans?" Cinnamon taunted.
"I can do an aerial in my sleep" Brittany bragged.
Something told Santana to take out her phone to record this. It sounded like it would be amazing. Or a disaster. If it was amazing she would want to keep it, if it was a disaster she could delete it.
Brittany made it to the parking lot and walked through it, opting for a patch of grass on the other side of the parking lot.
"Wait a minute," Santana yelled, turning her bike on so the light could shine on Brittany. One of the other girls whose bike was nearby did the same.
"Watch and learn, pyramid top," Brittany said to Cinnamon and the group laughed.
Brittany quickly moved forward and launched into a no handed cartwheel. She then went into a split. Everybody howled and cheered. Brittany stood and dusted herself off, and then walked towards Santana.
"If I leave now, I'll fuck her to death before this night is over," Santana mumbled and Big Mama and Cougar laughed. "I hope you two can find me a good lawyer." Santana said, clearing her throat and composing herself before Brittany reached her.
"One more beer Legs?" Santana asked when Brittany finally reached her and took the jacket from Santana's hands.
"One more won't hurt," Brittany smiled, strutting past Santana. Big Mama and Cougar chuckled at how Santana's eyes were glued to her ass.
"We've lost her now," Cougar said.
"But what a way to go," Big Mama added. "Come on Snixx, you look like you can use one more as well, my treat."
Santana sighed, "I'm trying not to do the same shit again." She confessed while walking to the bar.
"Just be you, Snixx, and know your motives," Cougar said.
"She digs you just as much as you dig her," Big Mama added.
"It's complicated," Santana said, because these two have no idea that Brittany is likely only curious. They have no idea what she's been through. Maybe she doesn't even like Santana, maybe she was just lonely. All they can see is what Santana sees, this energy between them, but maybe it's like a nova. Like some astrological event that occurs, causing this new star to appear in your midst, to shine brightly for a brief while and disappear. Santana is tired of hot and brief encounters. All of a sudden she's just fucking tired.
"It's always complicated, honey," Cougar replied. "Just be you, Snixx. You're a fighter. You're strong and beautiful and you actually work on yourself. Whatever happens just let it happen. You're not Wolf, Snixx. That kind of life won't work for you for too long. You're so much better than what you've been giving yourself. Bringing Legs here, that look you keep giving her, the fact that I know you could have left here with Diamond tonight and you didn't, I think you finally know that you're better than that too."
"By the way, she's been sneaking looks at you all night as well," Big Mama added. "The attraction isn't one sided."
The ladies went back over to the table, where their group had resumed their animated discussion. Brittany was laughing and beaming, and it made Santana feel warm all over. She's never seen her like this. All of a sudden she wishes she could paint her too, to show her how beautiful she thought she was just as Brittany had painted her. Words just aren't enough.
But there's Sophia. Not Sophia herself but what Sophia represents. She needs a minute to work that around in her brain. It's not really as simple as everyone has tried to make it. Sophia is Sophia and Brittany is Brittany. What if...
oh shit...
What if her idiotic friends were right? What if she's not doing this because of Sophia? What if for the first time in a really long time she was just afraid of rejection?
Where is that beer?
As if reading her mind Big Mama appeared at her side and handed her two beers. She pat her on the back as Santana went over to hand Brittany one. She was struggling. Struggling to be her friend. She wants to be more, or maybe right now she just wants to do more. She is so turned on right now, and not because of that split, but that shit didn't help matters. She's turned on because she's connecting to her. Because Brittany is opening up. Not because of the conversation, well maybe because of it. Not the subject matter, not the pain, the fact that she is talking about real life with this woman. The fact that they know the same pain. The fact that she's over there laughing and being this person she has never seen before, and the way that some of her friends are looking at her. The fact that Katt is devouring Brittany with her eyes and if she didn't know for a fact that Snixx would climb through her window at 4 in the morning and strangle her while she slept if she ever crossed her she would be shooting her shot at Brittany right now. Santana's body is vibrating and when she placed her hand unconsciously on the small of Brittany's back as she handed her a cold beer, the way Brittany stopped smiling and turned, looking down into her eyes before bringing the bottle to her lips. The way she swallowed and her throat moved before she brought the bottle down and licked her lips.
"Thanks doll," she winked, but Santana didn't smile at the joke. Brittany was flirting with her and she has never done that before. Santana knows she wants her to make a move. Santana is hesitant.
Snixx, however, doesn't give a shit about what happened with Sophia.
"Wanna get out of here?" Santana asked, her mouth close to Brittany's ear.
"Yeah"
"But you're having so much fun," Santana said, wanting to slow things down, to slow herself down.
"Who said the fun had to end if we left?"
Okay, fuck this shit...
"Finish your beer, then we'll say goodnight."
"Okay"
Santana returned to Cougar and Big Mama. Before she could speak, the older women met her with a smile.
"Goodnight Snixx" Cougar said.
"Who said I was leaving?"
"That little exchange did. You know it, I know it, this whole fucking bar knows it." Big Mama added.
"What's the damage?" Santana asked, reaching for her wallet and wanting to know what their tab was.
"Your money is no good here, tonight is on us." Big Mama said.
"I've got it..."
"You turning down our free drinks?" Cougar asked seriously.
"No," Santana smiled, kissing both women on their cheeks.
"Everything is going to be okay, Snixx" Cougar encouraged.
"Don't do anything I wouldn't do," Big Mama said, "but make sure to do everything that I would," she winked, and Santana laughed.
"Love you both."
"We love you too, Snixx."
"See you in the morning. Big Mama, in case I don't see you tomorrow before we ride out I'll see you on the next ride. You ladies get home safe."
"You'll see me before that. Maybe some of the ladies and I will ride in to hear you sing. I gotta keep a better eye on you."
"I would love that."
"I'll make sure to make that happen."
Santana sipped her beer slowly, watching as Brittany continued to chat with her new friends. When she was done she locked eyes with Santana and downed the rest of her beer in one long gulp.
It was time to go.
Santana did the same, before going to the table and saying goodnight. On the way out she stopped to say goodbye to some other members of the sister chapter of the Tainted Angels before heading out to the bike.
"You ready Legs?"
"Very, Snixx"
"Let's roll," Santana said, handing Brittany her helmet.
Brittany climbed onto the bike and wrapped her arms around Santana's waist. While she had started out the night filled with angst and even regret for her conversation with Santana, as the night went on she just felt this sense of relief. She felt young and free and like a fresh start was happening. Santana knows, and Santana doesn't care. Now she has someone to talk to, when the demons come to haunt her. Someone to help her fight them off. Someone to take her somewhere where she can laugh until her sides hurt and she can flip and split. She wants to dance. She wishes she would have pulled Santana close and moved to the music with her, but then that struggle came in. She's not gay. Her mother would not approve, but as she stood in that bar watching Santana subconsciously sway to the music she wanted to wrap her arms around her waist, to move against her, to feel her breath on her neck. She wanted to, but she couldn't, because she's not gay.
Still, now that Santana had told her that story, she can't help but think about the woman touching herself. Brittany wet her lips at the thought. She thought about how Santana spoke about being totally free, not worrying about how she looked or sounded. Brittany bets she looks beautiful. How could she not?
Brittany admitted a long time ago that she was curious, but Santana is the only friend she has, and yet one night in a bar and she's flirting with her. She's making a mistake, a big mistake, because she's not gay, she's curious and horny and happy for the first time in almost 2 years. What is she doing?
The ladies pull up to the hotel and Santana parked her bike. Both ladies climbed off and as the looming thoughts of what may happen between them lingered in the air they moved slowly through the hotel lobby and towards the elevators.
They arrived at the door of their room far too quickly. Nothing was decided, and yet something was already happening. All of these reservations, and yet both women knew that the other was too special to them to ever have regrets. Santana was torn all over again. Brittany trusted her with her darkest secret, the only person she's told this thing to and who hadn't discovered it in a way that violated her. It gave Brittany a new sense of power and control, and Santana feared that it was just too soon for Brittany to take this leap. Still, Brittany is a grown woman. Santana has to stop trying to think for herself and for everyone else around her. Why does she feel the need to protect people from her? Does she really see herself as someone out of control or bad? What the hell is going on with her?
Santana opened the door and let Brittany walk through first. She took the sight of her in before they walked into the room. Santana decided she wasn't going to make a move. No pressure. Brittany could change her mind. She was going to act like nothing ever happened at the bar. She wasn't going to pull her in and kiss her the way she normally would. She wasn't going to say something dirty or snarky. She wasn't going to care about her reputation. She was going to allow Brittany to take them where she wanted to go. If she lost her courage...her desire, on the way to the room Santana would allow her that grace. She would allow her that without leaving her and going back to the bar to find someone to take the edge off. It was Brittany's call.
Santana walked to her bed and took off her jacket before sitting to take off her boots. Brittany did the same. It was quiet, too quiet. Soon it was Brittany who walked to Santana's bed, standing between her legs as Santana leaned back on her elbows looking up at Brittany. Santana sat up, her left hand gently grasping the back of Brittany's thigh, waiting.
"So, do you?" Brittany asked softly, staring down at her.
"Do I what?"
"Fuck with the lights on?" Brittany asked sincerely, going back to the first conversation they had in the coffee shop.
Santana smirked. "Absolutely. I fuck with the lights low. I enjoy watching. Don't you?"
"It never mattered to me much either way. I usually turn them off."
"What a waste."
"I think I could be persuaded to change."
"I think you should be persuaded to change in this instance," Santana replied.
Santana's hand began to move slowly up and down the back of Brittany's thigh. She couldn't help herself when she let it wander just a little to trace the round of her ass. Brittany grinned down at her.
"Where are we going with this, Brittany?"
"Where do you want it to go?"
"I'm not driving this car, not yet at least."
"Let's just see where the night takes us."
"I can live with that. How about we take it slow, no pressure."
"No pressure"
"You want to stop at any time, no hard feelings."
"No hard feelings"
Santana took her other hand and slowly ran it up the back of her other thigh until it rested on her ass like her other hand did. She stood and pulled her close and caressed her softly up and down her back before bringing her lips to Brittany's neck. Brittany moaned softly and Santana felt her resolve leaving her even more.
In Santana's mind she was still debating where she would allow this to go. She wants Brittany to know that she wants her, that she's attracted to her, but maybe they both need to think a little more before this actually happens. Their friendship had reached a new level of trust and understanding that day. Maybe they both needed a little time to absorb it all. Still, she needed something, and she knew that Brittany did as well, and they've already changed everything. Santana knew that nothing would ever be the same between them, and she knew that she didn't want it to be.
Santana didn't know why she was standing when there was not one but two beds available for their use. She just felt like it was too much, too quick, too soon. She wanted to give Brittany time to ground herself, she wanted her to know that whatever she gave her that night would be more than enough, more than she ever dreamed of when they left the city hours before.
Santana backed Brittany up to the wall across from her bed, moving one hand gently from behind her and allowing her fingers to touch the abs beneath Brittany's shirt.
"Shit, you're beautiful." Santana said, raining kisses on Brittany's neck.
"So are you, but you already knew that," Brittany sighed.
"So should you, I'll make sure you know." Santana said, looking into her eyes before watching Brittany slowly close hers as Santana brought their lips together.
Fireworks...that's what it felt like. Brittany's heart was pounding and her mind started racing. This is wrong. Santana is a woman, and yet, the feeling of those perfect lips, the lips she watched cool her drink and couldn't get out of her mind ever since, those lips pushed her mother out of her mind. The thought passed quickly as she parted her lips, wanting more, and it was the first kiss she's ever had that instantly made her throb. Sex had only ever been okay, pleasant. On rare occasions she craved it, but she knows she's in trouble. She knows, instantly, that this yearning will be a part of her forever now. Santana introduced her to this feeling, and only Santana can satisfy it.
Santana had one hand wrapped around Brittany's waist and the other she used to brace herself against the wall. She needed to touch something cold and hard because she was floating away. She needed that wall to remind her that she was in charge, that this would only go as far as she would allow it. She needed that wall to help her focus on anything but the two beds behind her.
Not that she needs a bed to do what she wants to do, but it would make it so much better.
Santana kissed her like that, slowly, exploring the warmth of Brittany's mouth for countless moments, before her hands moved before her mind could catch up. Santana felt her hand unbuttoning Brittany's jeans, and she sensed Brittany's eyes opening.
"Is this okay?" Santana asked, stilling her hands.
"Yes,"
"No pressure"
"I want to, Santana"
Santana opened the button of Brittany's pants and slowly slid down the zipper, her bottom lip caught between her teeth as she looked into blue eyes. Santana stood back and removed her t shirt, revealing her bra and the body that Brittany had painted in her mind over and over again. Brittany all of a sudden felt shy, and maybe a little panicked, to look at her. She hadn't been like this with someone in almost 2 years. Nobody has seen her like this in almost 2 years. Santana took the bottom of Brittany's shirt in her hand and began to pull it up.
Santana sensed the panic in her and pulled her in close.
"It's okay. Are you okay?"
"Yeah."
"The truth, Britt."
"I just...," Brittany let her hand feel across the wall until she found the light switch, darkening the room.
"You can turn the lights off if it makes you more comfortable, but I promise you you're gonna wish you kept them on."
Brittany's heart was pounding.
"I just...give me a few minutes, okay?"
"We can stop."
"No, no Santana, don't stop. I don't want you to."
"It's okay, just tell me what you need."
"I need you to do what you were doing, before the lights went off."
"Okay. Whatever you want Brittany, at any time just let me know."
"I just need you to do what you were doing."
"Okay," Santana said.
Santana just caressed her for a moment before kissing her softly again. She rained kisses down Brittany's jaw before raising her shirt above her head and tossing it to the side, hoping that it landed on the chair that sat in the corner of the room.
Santana wishes she could see her clearly, wishes she could pull back the curtains and allow the moonlight in just to get a glimpse of her, but if this is what Brittany wants, if this is what she needs, she will gladly give this to her.
Santana brought their lips together again, gently caressing her body, running her hands softly over her covered breasts, before making her way to Brittany's back and releasing her from her bra. She tossed the garment to the side and cupped Brittany's breast while kissing her, using her thumb to circle her hardening nipple. She could feel how heavy Brittany's breathing was becoming and she was amazed that her own breaths were so calm and steady considering how much she wanted the blonde. This wasn't Santana the sex machine all cocky and sure, this was just Santana, the woman, just like the woman she was holding in her arms, seeking something new.
Santana brought her lips to Brittany's chest and took a tender breast into her mouth. She used her hand to shower attention onto the other as she heard Brittany's head fall softly back into the wall. Soon her hand moved down slowly until she reached the place where she had first started, Brittany's pants.
Santana worked on Brittany's pants until she opened them fully, releasing Brittany's breast from her mouth and dragging her tongue down her body slowly, using her hands to drag her pants down as well. Brittany helped her by kicking them free from her legs, and even though Brittany finally stood before her totally nude, she knew she still wasn't free.
Santana found Brittany's hand in the darkness and led her to the bed. She wanted to see her, to feast on her with her eyes, to let her see what this moment meant to her in her own brown orbs, but she had to respect that Brittany wasn't ready. She would gladly give her whatever she was ready for, even if she had to do without what she needed right then.
Santana lay beside her, just caressing and kissing her, holding her. She didn't want to go any further. She didn't intend to escalate things, until she felt Brittany reach back and unclasp her bra.
Santana helped her remove it and toss it to the side, as Brittany tenderly touched her for the first time. Santana allowed her to explore, closing her eyes to fight off the pain of the darkness she was trying to see through from struggling to get a glimpse of the blonde in her bed, and instead Santana just relaxed into the feeling. She kissed Brittany softly as Brittany touched her in awe, and Santana allowed her to make the next move.
Brittany took a deep breath as she timidly reached for the button on Santana's jeans. Santana adjusted her body to help her remove them, and then Brittany traced the top of her panties with her fingers before dragging them down Santana's legs as well. They lay there together, kissing softly, tenderly, figuring out their next move.
Santana allowed her hands to explore as well, waiting for Brittany to indicate that she wanted more. Soon she took Santana's hand and brought it between her legs.
"Are you sure you're ready for this?" Santana asked.
"Yes"
Santana took Brittany's hand and brought it to herself.
"I want you to touch yourself, Brittany. I want you to know it's not filthy, it's beautiful."
"Santana..."
"Give yourself to yourself first, and then you can give yourself to me. You asked me to help you, let me help you." Santana said softly to her in the dark.
Santana kissed Brittany, and moved her hand to her sensitive spot. Soon Brittany began to touch herself, and Santana deepened the kiss, assisting her with her arousal. She caressed her and made her way to her breasts, taking one in her mouth and rubbing the other. Brittany moaned softly.
Santana placed her knee between Brittany's legs, applying pressure, forcing her hand closer to herself as she felt her begin to rub herself more intensely. Santana moved against her, gently assisting her, and she tasted her breasts once again. Santana didn't want to say anything, she just wanted Brittany to focus on the feeling, just as she was, feeling the blonde beneath her, all moist and warm.
Brittany's moans became more intense, and Santana really wanted to bury her fingers deep inside of her and curl, to feel Brittany flutter around her, but it could wait. It could wait until Brittany understood, until she knew, that every part of her is beautiful, everything about her is perfect, even when she touches herself.
Santana grinded her deeper and Brittany rubbed herself furiously. Her breath quickened and her body began to quake and it happened quickly. Brittany cried out in the dark, and Santana wished she could see her.
"Oh fuh...oh..."
Santana moved her hips into her like waves on an ocean, intensifying the orgasm. The way Brittany grabbed her so tightly almost made her want to cry. She was feeling so many things, none of which she was able to comprehend at the moment.
Santana rained kisses all over Brittany as she came down. She knew that the woman was likely sensitive and so she was firm and comforting with her touch. She held her close, caressing her, until her breathing evened out.
"Are you okay?"
"Yes"
Santana and Brittany continued to kiss softly for a few minutes before Brittany spoke.
"I...I want to uh...I don't really know..."
"Sshhhhh, it's okay," Santana said, rubbing her back. "Let's just let tonight be about you, okay? I like just what we're doing right now, it's really nice." Santana said pulling her closer.
"You sure?" Brittany asked guiltily.
"Absolutely" Santana said, placing a soft kiss on her lips. "I thought it was beautiful, by the way."
"What?"
"You touching yourself. I think it's one of the most beautiful things I've ever been a part of," Santana said, nuzzling away the long blonde hair from Brittany's forehead and placing a tender kiss there. Brittany sighed and curled further into Santana.
Santana wasn't lying. It was one of the most beautiful experiences she has ever had, and it was enough. All she could hope was that it didn't make things awkward between them in the morning.
They fell asleep that way, and when Santana felt Brittany stir in the morning she lay there pretending to sleep, allowing her time to find a tee shirt and shorts and slip into the bathroom. She didn't want to see her naked until Brittany was ready. She wanted that moment to be something that brought them closer and not something that left Brittany feeling a lot of anxiety and regret.
As she lay there listening to Brittany gather their clothing from wherever it all may have fallen and head into the bathroom she waited until she heard the shower running before she got out of bed. While she would have preferred to stay naked she thought it might be better if she greeted Brittany wearing something and so she grabbed her t shirt from where Brittany had placed their things on the chair and pulled it over her head. She found her underwear and did the same. Then she grabbed the remote and faced something she hadn't faced in years.
How does she act when they see each other? She doesn't want to act all coupley and kiss her good morning. Well she wants to but that probably would be too much for Brittany. She doesn't want to keep asking her if she is okay but she wants to know. She doesn't want to act like nothing at all happened because what if Brittany thinks it all meant nothing? What the hell does she do after they say good morning to one another? She doesn't know, but she better figure it out fast because she just heard the water turn off in the shower.
Santana tried to look casual and unbothered, as she watched the news atop the bed she and Brittany had made love in the night before. Made love? Santana rolled those words around in her head. She didn't feel right saying they fucked, even if she doesn't have a problem with that word at all. That word simply describes something other than what happened between them last night. Had sex would be accurate as well, but it doesn't feel like enough. Connected seems to feel the most appropriate, because what they had done may have gotten Brittany off but she can hardly consider that actual sex. She would figure it out later. All she knows is that she doesn't regret it, and she really hopes that Brittany doesn't either.
Brittany came out with her hair falling across her shoulders. She was wearing a t shirt with a cat on it and a pair of pajama pants to match. Apparently she didn't get dressed for the day, she simply threw on what she had planned to sleep in the night before. Santana wanted to make a joke about pussy but the timing was bad. Still, she smiled internally.
"Good morning Ohio," Santana said as Brittany's eyes shyly met hers.
"Good morning Santana."
"Did you sleep well?"
"I did,"
"Excellent. There's breakfast downstairs, if my sisters didn't devour it all already."
Brittany laughed, "I could go for some breakfast soon."
"Awesome, I'll get my lazy ass in the shower and we can grab something before we head out. We have a few hours to kill, checkout is at noon and we're hitting the road at 1. Have you enjoyed yourself so far?"
"I have," Brittany said, and a blush appeared on her face. Santana pretended not to notice.
"I have too. We usually spend some time together at the clubhouse when we reach home after a ride. You wanna join us? Seems like my sisters love you."
"They're really nice."
"Glad you enjoyed the company. Maybe you'll join us on another ride. Sometimes we just go out on the weekend but I have to work a lot so I miss some of those. Still, there are plenty that I make over the course of the year so just let me know."
"Okay."
"By the way, you were very impressive. What the fuck was that? And then that split, who are you, Catwoman? Is that's why you have cats all over your pajamas? Fucking awesome!"
Brittany laughed. "Captain of the cheerleading team 3 years in a row."
"Look at you!" Santana smiled. "Well, gonna go and shower and when you're hungry we can go downstairs and eat."
"That's fine."
"Then if you want to go out for a while later we could. We may run into a few of your new besties."
Brittany laughed.
"Hope you like the road name I gave you because it seems like Legs is here to stay."
Brittany smiled softly at Santana, and Santana isn't sure what was running through her mind.
"Well I would love to see the ladies again, and I certainly would love to have breakfast with you, but afterwards I may just want to come back up here and crawl back into my pajamas and rest for a while. You can hang out with your friends, though. I wouldn't be offended. I'm just a little tired."
"Mind if I keep you company?"
"I think I'd kind of love that," Brittany replied, and Santana beamed inside.
Santana grabbed her bag and washed and dressed, and when she returned Brittany was dressed for breakfast. The ladies went downstairs and did run into a number of Santana's sisters in the dining area. They joined in with the group and had a great conversation about the night before and the ride up to Albany. After about an hour the women went upstairs to relax for a while.
Everything appeared to be comfortable between the two of them, but there was still a slight awkwardness. Not a bad thing, just a not knowing, but they both seemed okay with that for now.
Brittany put her pajamas back on and Santana decided to put her unused sleepwear on as well. By the time Brittany exited the bathroom Santana was already back on her bed sitting up playing with the remote. It was then that Santana decided to take a leap of faith.
"Wanna share?" Santana asked, pulling back the covers. "No strings attached."
Brittany laughed. "I know you're an honorable woman, Santana, and I would certainly like to share your bed with you."
Brittany climbed in and Santana threw an arm around her and smiled. It made Brittany giggle.
"So Legs, since we both seem okay I guess it's okay if we talk about the elephant in the room."
"There's an elephant in here? I thought you just farted," Brittany joked.
Santana laughed, "You know what, I like seeing you happy. I don't know if I've ever seen you as happy as I saw you last night."
"Last night was a really good night."
"Yeah?" Santana smiled.
"Yeah"
"And how are you feeling about what happened between us?"
"I'm okay. Santana, I hope you're not worried that I think you owe me anything after last night. It was wonderful, but I have no plans to start getting weird on you."
"I never thought you would, Britts, and I have no expectations either. I really like our friendship, and I don't want to lose it. It's so new, and so unexpected, and I just wanted to make sure that no matter what our friendship continues to grow. There's something else that's been bothering me, and I just wanted to get it off my chest."
Brittany was a little worried by the serious tone in Santana's voice.
"People get the wrong idea about me. I'm usually okay with that because what they eat doesn't make me shit as they say. What they think of me is not my reality. Still, I am a huge flirt, in a way it's a part of my job, it makes me money, but also it's kind of who I am. It's not all I am though. I don't use people, I don't use women. I don't want you to ever feel like you're some notch on my bedpost no matter what people may say about me. I'm not some player."
"You don't have to explain yourself to me."
"I want to. I just want you to know that if you come and see me sing again, and I hope that you do, you may run into people, people I've been with. If any questions come up you can ask me, I have nothing to hide. I like you Brittany, and at the very least I want you to be comfortable being friends with me, even after what happened between us."
"I'm not a teenager Santana. Just because we had sex I don't think that you have to commit to me. I mean, this may sound ridiculous after last night or maybe it doesn't, but I'm still not gay. I'm not going to make any demands of you."
"It's not that," Santana sighed. "Listen, it was sex. It's not a problem for me if it was just an experience for you. Life is nothing but a series of experiences both good and bad. I've been open with you since the day I first met you, so I mind as well stop beating around the bush and tell you what's bugging me. Sophia...I was the first woman that Sophia was ever with, and we are still friends, though I've been thinking a lot and I've removed myself from that friend group quite a bit. I need to reevaluate those relationships for various reasons. I slept with Sophia, twice, and she has become rather clingy. That was almost a year ago and she's still hanging around. My friends call her a stalker but I wouldn't go that far. She's just confused. So even though I was attracted to you I had told myself that I wouldn't be your first, because I didn't want it to turn out to be something that ruined our friendship. So yeah, obviously I didn't keep that promise to myself, but I'm not unhappy about that. I rather enjoyed last night."
Brittany smiled. "Santana, you don't owe me any explanations, and I'm not confused. Like you said it was an experience. It was nice. It's something I've always wondered about, being with a woman and now I've tried it with someone who happens to be the only friend I have but you're also a really good friend to have. I won't let it ruin that. If I did it would just be me and Lady Tubbington again."
Santana was relieved. It seems that things have turned out better than she could have hoped for. Santana kissed Brittany on the top of her head and then yawned.
"We've got 3 hours before checkout and exactly 5 items of clothing apiece to pack, so you want to grab a quick nap before we hit the road."
"You read my mind, Snixx. Wanna cuddle?" Brittany smiled.
"Hell yes," Santana replied.
The women took a nap and then got ready to hit the road. Once they met up with the bikers Santana jumped on her bike and Brittany wrapped her arms around her waist. It felt different, and Santana wondered if it felt different for Brittany, too. It just felt more comfortable to Santana, more natural.
As soon as they hit the highway Santana got her answer. Brittany wrapped her arm's around Santana's waist more tightly than she ever had before, and she leaned her cheek against Santana's shoulder.
It felt different for Brittany, too.