Disclaimer: Yeah, this site is called FanFiction, so take a guess…

A/N: This is a little murky brain-child I thought up the other day…

- Freestanding story

- Warning: not for everyone. For those of you who sometimes likes things a little bit… rougher. Not dark-dark, but murky, dub con, crude, bondage and stuff that comes with it. Although there's some crazy squeezed in too.

- POV-switching. Hopefully you'll keep up. ;)

- PWP (plot, what plot?) There's no psychological realism in this at all, so don't try to look for it…

Don't be afraid, my little ones… try it… you might just like it… -smiles a little bit too wide-

Possessive Fool

'THE TEEN TITANS TO LEAVE JUMP CITY!'

The headline caught the man's eye and he snatched up a paper, throwing some money from his jeans pocket at the vendor just to avoid the attention the man's yelling and subsequent death would draw. There might have been a hundred-dollar bill crumpled among the coins, but whatever. Slade's mind was on something else.

The article was short but to the point. Due to some decision of the Justice League, the Teen Titans were not only to leave Jump but the group was also to disband until further notice. They would each return to their original homes and factions, which meant Robin would return to Gotham. To the Bat. Where Slade would have great difficulty getting to him. Not acceptable.

The man growled and ripped the front page off, crumpled the rest of the paper up, and threw it in a bin no more than thirty feet from the place he had bought it, where a certain vendor now stood, fighting with his own conscience about whether or not he should call the man back. Slade disappeared into a dark alley, however, making the salesman decide that he had just gotten a really good tip and thus pocket the bill.

Robin was in his room, packing a bag. Returning to Gotham would be a bit weird, but he was looking forward to it as well. Things in Jump had been a little… dull lately.

Suddenly the end of a bo-staff shot out and slammed into the lid of the suitcase, closing it. Robin spun around, only to come face-to-chest with Slade.

"Don't bother to pack, little bird… you're not going anywhere…"

The hero didn't have time to react before something hit the side of his head and his world turned black.

Robin woke up tied spread-eagle to a bed with a ball-gag in his mouth. Actually, this was not the weirdest position he had ever woken up in, but it was among the top ten. He then realized that he was in his underwear and that Slade was glaring at him from behind his two-toned metal mask. Maybe it was among the top five weird awakenings.

"So… the Justice League thought they could take you away from me, did they?" the man beside the bed snarled as soon as the teen opened his eyes. He held the torn front page so Robin could see it. Visual aids were a good way to get one's point through, after all.

"Mmmph?" The hero said, and Slade could see his eyes widening behind his mask. "M-m-m-mmmph!"

"Well, I am not going to let them. You're mine, Robin, and by tonight, you will agree… you will refuse to go back to Gotham…"

"MM-IIMMIPH!"

"You object? Well, of course you do… you see, I have been approaching you the wrong way, after all… I tried to offer you power… strength… but you already have as much of those things as you think you want… so I'm going to show you something else, my little bird… I'm going to teach you how to enjoy having these things taken away from you… the pleasure that comes from being utterly… helpless…"

"M-mm? M-MEEGMM-MM!"

"Oh, you know I'm the only man who can do that… and I've been checking your internet activity, so I happen to know that you need a man…"

"MEEEMM!"

"Yes, yes, I know that you think that you are only curious… perhaps bi-sexual. No matter… I will clear things up for you… Let's begin, shall we?"

The bound teen shook his head furiously, but the mercenary only chuckled and was then holding a strip of black cloth in his hands.

"I'm sorry to inconvenience you… well, that was a lie… but nonetheless, I can't let you see my face, and I need to take off my mask for certain reasons… I'm sure you will forgive me."

Robin was not willing to forgive Slade at all. He tried to turn his head sharply from side to side to make it as difficult for the man as possible, but the blindfold was soon in place. Thanks to his mask it didn't press into his eyes, but he couldn't see a thing, and considering who's mercy he was at, it made his heart race.

The teen had always found the villain's cold, metal clad exterior and warm, deep seductive voice an unnerving combination, and those feelings were only heightened in his current situation. The fact that the damn bastard had invaded his privacy to the point of checking which sites he surfed on was a shock, but Robin had a feeling Slade would invade his privacy in a much more literal sense shortly.

The man looked down on the struggling boy and smirked before removing his mask. He undressed slowly, not for Robin's benefit, of course, since the hero couldn't see him, but for his own. Certain things were worth savoring.

He hadn't planned to teach the boy like this, and certainly not while he was still a teenager, but he had been grooming Robin for too long to have all his work destroyed by the influence of the Dark Knight. Robin was drawn to him, he knew, to the darkness, to the forbidden pleasure. He had, through online manipulations, slowly introduced the young man to the role of a submissive slave. He had made him fantasize about it, and, through carefully placed ads, fiction, art and even photographs, he knew Robin had begun to ask himself what it would feel like to have a Master. The man chuckled. He had taken the teen from the seemingly rather innocent story of a young woman tying her lover to the bed with silk scarves, to a series of photographs depicting a naked male collared slave on his knees, being made to suck two men off, the marks after a whip still clear on his ass and back. Of course he wouldn't tell Robin of this, it was better if the teen thought that he had become this… kinky… all by himself.

Now, Slade didn't plan to go quite that far tonight, and Robin, of course, would only ever serve him, no others, but he had lit the urge. He had planned to go further, introducing a chat, a web-cam, training the boy through giving orders online and then, perhaps setting up an anonymous meeting… but the news had changed everything. Still, Slade knew that Robin would never be able to deny his urges after he was through with him, and he was more than likely going to ask for more. On his knees.

Still, actual slave-training was some ways off. Having a slave that needed to be tied down meant that half the fun was lost, so Robin would have to settle for mostly bondage for a start. Well, Slade knew he liked those sites as well…

The man was naked now, and stretched before taking in the sight of the pale, taut body on his bed. He ran a hand from Robin's ankle all the way up his outer leg to his hip. The hero tried to jerk his body away. Slade answered with a slap to his cheek which wasn't hard enough to really hurt, but was clearly a warning.

"Now, now, Robin… you have to get used to my touch… Now, lean into it…" the man said as his hand cupped the cheek he had just slapped. Robin pulled away quickly and shook his head again.

"Very well."

The teen tensed as the bed dipped down, and then made a growling sound as he heard and felt the man straddle him. This was also the moment he realized that Slade was naked.

Robin froze; his heart beating like a rabbit's. The man was sitting, quite comfortably, it seemed, on his lower stomach, thankfully with most of his weight on his own knees, or the teen would be half crushed by now.

This was very much like on those sites he liked, very much like his dirties, darkest fantasies, and it scared him that a part of him, deep down, was excited and wanted to find out what would happen. If his friends had burst through the door at that moment and saved him, however, he would be tremendously grateful.

Slade suddenly grabbed his tied hand, and Robin couldn't stop him. The man's hold was strange; he was just using the tips of his fingers, but he was pressing down between the teen's first and second knuckle. The pressure was only very light, just like they were awkwardly holding hands, but Robin couldn't shake the grip off.

"Let's try this again…" the criminal purred, and stroked the teen's cheek once more with his free hand.

Robin snarled, the sound turned into a mere snort by the ball-gag, and moved his head away again.

"Bad boy… Now... I'm going to keep my hand here, just beside your cheek, and whenever you feel like being a good boy again, all you need to do is turn your head and let me pet you, understand?"

"MMrggrrgh!" Robin tried to curse him.

"Good. Let's begin."

The pressure between Robin's knuckles increased, and he felt the first pang of pain. This was a school-yard endurance-game, he remembered, a way to prove how tough you were, by letting a friend push a finger or the side of a pen into that place until you called it quits. But Robin couldn't call quits, and Slade wasn't a friend who would stop. The pressure rose slowly, and Robin knew it was to tease him. It was Slade saying 'I don't really want to hurt you; I will give you plenty of time to give in before the real pain starts'.

Robin wouldn't listen, though, but, as the pain increased, he tried to shake his head.

"You are doing this to yourself, my dear Robin…" Slade told him.

The teen couldn't hold back a scream now. He knew the pain wasn't dangerous, per se, Slade wasn't holding a knife to his throat or was busy cutting his hand off, he wasn't even trying to break his finger, but that made it almost worse, because it made submitting to it a bigger defeat. Soon, however, he just couldn't stand it anymore and turned his head into the warm, waiting hand. Immediately the pain stopped and Robin stayed still, breathing heavily and with a little bit of difficulty through his nose and around the gag, while the hand caressed and stroked his cheek.

"Very good, pet…" Slade praised the teen. "Now, I'm sure you will enjoy my touches from now on, won't you?"

His only reply was a weak snort, but at least the boy didn't move. Slade smirked. Ah, training him would be a joy… for both of them, he was sure. He let his hands caress Robin's face now, and then wander down the sides of his neck, making the teen shiver. It was an involuntary movement, however, and Slade didn't punish it. The teen tensed as his enemy's touch reached his chest, where it circled his nipples lazily.

"They are hard, you know… can you feel it?" Slade asked, knowing it was more likely from the slightly chilly air and the feathery touches, than from arousal, but would rather let Robin think that he was getting turned on. He flicked a nipple and now Robin jumped with a muffled yelp.

"See? Feels good, doesn't it? That mix of pain and pleasure… you will crave it before long…" Slade promised.

Robin shook his head again. He was not getting turned on, he was not! He gasped as a warm breath ghosted over his ear, but stayed still.

"Good boy…" Slade told him. "You have gotten used to my hands, so let's pick it up a notch, shall we?" A hot mouth followed his cheekbone up and lingered at his stretched lips, licking them. To the teen's horror his mouth welcomed the moisture, if nothing else, and sent pleasurable signals to his brain, making him raise his head a little before he noticed what he was doing.

Slade chuckled.

"Ah, my little hero… begging for a kiss? I wish I could comply, but that gag will stay in just a little bit longer… I'm afraid you will do something stupid, you see, and then I would have to hurt you… and this shouldn't be about pain, quite the opposite. Of course, that's partly up to you… You understand, don't you?"

Robin tried to glare through the blindfold, but when one of Slade's fingers started gliding towards his nipple, the nail digging in a little more with every moment, he gave one, quick nod.

"Good. I knew you would. You are highly intelligent, after all."

What bothered Robin with that statement was that the man didn't say it in a sarcastic way; he genuinely seemed to mean it. The teen felt a conflicted mix of pride and disgust.

Slade smiled at the now still form under him. Robin had clearly got some things to think about, but he couldn't let him come to any conclusions, because he knew the Titan was stubborn and would try to stick to them. A distraction was necessary. Thankfully he had many of those planned.

He kissed his way down the teen's throat and heard a low noise as he closed in on his nipples. If Robin was pleading for him to stop or continue didn't quite matter to Slade, it was the pleading itself that was the reward here. The man felt his own groin tighten and start to fill with blood, but he would ignore his own pleasure for the moment. He was a benevolent Master who only had his pet's enjoyment in mind after all. Slade chuckled dryly. Well… that might not be completely true… but he could pretend, for now.

He teased the areas around the very pert, pink nipples, not even touching the areola yet, making the boy squirm from the mere idea of what was possibly to come. Slade very much doubted that anyone had ever touched his little bird like this and his aim was to tip the scale from Robin being angry, scared and disgusted that this was done by Slade and against his will, to the point where he wanted it no matter what, just because he couldn't take the anticipation any longer.

Suddenly the time had come, and Robin twisted a little, pushing his nipple in the way of Slade's mouth. The man hummed happily and closed his lips over the eager nub, sucking it into his mouth. Robin arched and made a very delicious little noise. The man wanted to bite down on the nipple, only a little, but stopped himself. It was not time to introduce more of the pain-pleasure yet; it would snap Robin out of his current, helplessly eager state.

Instead he switched between the nipples, licking, blowing on them and rolling them carefully between his fingertips.

Robin was half way to heaven and couldn't believe himself. The fact that it was Slade doing this to him had been overclouded by the fact that it was really being done. His breath stuck in his throat as the man began to place his kisses a little further down. The idea that something else might soon be done to him was beginning to take root, and Robin couldn't help it; he really liked that idea.

The man could tell that the young hero had caught on, not only by the delicious little noises he made behind the gag, but alto the way his body arched and twitched right into his touches like a love-sick kitten. The man spent some extra time on the boy's stomach before shifting down and placed a sucking kiss just above the waistband of the black boxer-briefs. The somewhat tented boxer-briefs, which also had a wet spot on the front by now.

"I think I know what you want, Robin… and I'm feeling very generous… but you have your underwear on, and I won't remove them without permission," Slade told his little slave-to-be and licked the wet fabric stretched over the tip of the teen's shaft. "Do you want me to take them off? All you have to do is nod."

The boy seemed to go through a short internal struggle, but the nod came, and it looked more eager this time. Slade chuckled quietly and tore the fabric apart easily, revealing the one part of the young man's body he had yet to see.

"Nice, Robin… very nice… no need to blush…" the man purred and placed his hands on the boy's hips before slowly running them up toward each other, stopping just before he got to the groin-area.

Robin groaned. Why didn't the man touch him already? He knew he shouldn't be begging, silently or otherwise, but this was torture too! It was clear to him that this was going to happen, Slade would have his way with him, so why didn't he just get on with it? Why-

"MMMMrggghhh!"

Slade almost laughed at the reaction of him gripping the base of the teen's weeping cock. He wondered if there was something to the saying that young males were ruled by their smaller head. He himself had always had better control than that, of course. At least he believed he had. The man smirked, thinking that Robin better hope he had, or he would rip the poor boy open…

Before the teen had any chance to get used to the touch, Slade bent down and licked the head. That was all it took. Robin's whole body convulsed as he came all over himself. Slade had moved back to watch the cum paint white streaks across the sweaty skin. A last drop ran down the side of the softening member and Slade caught it on his finger to taste it. Not bad. He let the rest of it be, however, so Robin would feel the cooling stickiness of his own surrender.

"Very good, my boy… very good indeed…" Slade scooted forward, all the way up to Robin's chest. "I wish I could let you repay me in the same way… but, again… I'm afraid you're not properly trained yet…" Still, he stood on his knees and held his cock down, tracing it across Robin's face and lips. The teen tensed again, but no matter, Slade would soon have him hot and bothered once more.

Robin breathed in deeply through his nose and smelled the salty, musky odor from whatever was touching his face. The slick, smooth something, combined with the smell, quickly told him was the man was doing and he froze again, thanking the stars that there was no way Slade could push his cock into his mouth. Having it run over his lips, making them tingle, was bad enough.

He was dizzy from coming so hard and closed his eyes behind the blindfold for a moment as the man moved down his body again. His eyes snapped open, however, at the moment something was tied around his leg, just over his knee. It felt like a short belt being buckled, first around one and then his other leg. This woke Robin up from his daze, and he started to struggle furiously.

"There, there, don't worry. I'm just going to have you change position," the man said calmingly and patted the anxious teen's thigh. He then moved off the bed to the headboard, where several ropes were attached at different intervals across the frame. He chose two of the ones close to the middle and passed them through metal hoops which were attached to the new straps above Robin's knees. He secured them only loosely for now and walked down to the foot of the bed where a similar arrangement was holding Robin's ankles in place.

As soon as he freed the teen's feet, the boy started struggling harder, just as Slade had known he would. A foot lashed out and almost kicked him on the thigh, but the new restraints hindered the teen just enough for the villain to have time to retrieve two new ropes from the top of the bed. He caught a flailing foot and thread the rope through the ankle-hoops, yanking the foot up, bending the knee. He secured it and did the same to the other foot. The ropes he had picked this time were from each edge of the wide headboard, pulling the teen's feet apart as well as back. The man then tightened the first ropes, which were now pulling the boy's knees up. One more round of adjusting the bindings and Slade was happy. Robin, however, clearly wasn't. He was still struggling, his cock limp and the distressed sounds he was making was not from pleasure. No matter. Slade would change that. And if the teen was too stubborn to be grateful, it was his own fault.

"There, doesn't that feel better? No? Well, this position doesn't hurt, at least," the man said, not-so-subtly pointing out to the teen that there were ones that did. He settled between the spread legs, still on his knees, and ran a finger down one smooth, pale inner thigh. "Settle down… remember what I told you… I don't want to hurt you, not until you appreciate it at least… Let's see if I can interest you in some more playing…"

Robin bit the rubber ball in his mouth hard as the man took hold of his limp cock and started stroking it. He fought the new quivers of arousal, but couldn't help but think of how he looked like this, strung up, legs parted, again reminding him of some of those pictures he'd seen online. He wished this was one of those! One of his fantasies, because if it was, Robin would let it continue. I bit longer, at least. Probably not all the way, but yeah, definitely a bit longer.

Slade had to work for it, but the teen's cock began to harden again under his skillful fingers. The man had used some lubrication on the shaft which seemed to have done the trick, and he had also covered the boy's balls and crack with the stuff, as that would come in handy in just a little while. It was time to up the ante, however, and give the boy some real pleasure.

Slade licked the tip of the hero's cock, like he had done before, but this time Robin wasn't on the brink, so the result was only a gasp and a twitch. The man sucked the whole head into his mouth and massaged it with his tongue. This was really the submissive's job, but, as he was training an unwilling one, rewards were needed. Besides, how was the boy to know how it was done if he had never experienced it himself?

When he lifted his head, Robin arched his hips, trying to follow, which made the man chuckle.

"I think it's time to get rid of this," Slade said and then reached up and released the clasp of the gag. "Now, you can yell and scream and curse all you want. No one will hear you. But the more obnoxious you are, the faster I will take you. The sweeter you are, the longer I will prepare you, understand?" Slade made sure the boy could feel one of his fingers circling his opening while he spoke.

Robin got the message, giving the man a reluctant nod while drawing in deep breaths through his mouth. He licked his parched lips, tasting the salty residue which he knew was the man's precum. His lips were so dry, though, that he needed to lick them again.

"You like it, don't you? Yes, maybe I should give you a little taste… we have time, after all…"

"Don't… I don't care what you do to me, I'll bite!" Robin hissed.

"Thank you for the warning, but I'm not quite as brave as to try something like that. Still…"

The teen felt Slade shift again, but he was still between his legs, not coming any closer, which was a good thing, the Titan thought. Then the finger was back, circling his entrance and there was a sound, a fast paced sound which sounded slightly squishy and very familiar… Robin's eyes widened behind the blindfold as he realized what the man was doing.

"Now, boy, open your mouth and you will get the taste you wanted…" he heard the man grunt. Robin, of course, clamped his lips shut, but, as he did, the threatening finger pushed into him a little.

"No, don't!" Robin cried out, but the finger slipped in further.

"You know what to do," the man said simply.

Robin felt the digit push in even deeper and, when a second one started pushing against the opening, he gave in and opened his mouth a little.

"Wider… reach out your tongue…" The man grunted heavier now and, as Robin obeyed, there was one final snort and something hot and slimy hit first the teens' nose and mouth, then his cheek and then, again, his tongue and the roof of his mouth. Yet more then landed across his throat, chest and stomach until it seemed to end.

"Close your mouth now… swallow," came the order. Robin knew to expect it, of course. Slaves always swallowed, that was the rule. It took a second finger to enter him for him to obey, however, but he did.

Slade hummed as the boy beneath him complied, and ran a finger of his free hand through the white globs across the teen's throat.

"My favorite version of a pearl-necklace, I must say, and you look so pretty in it…" he smeared the collected glob on Robin's lips and withdrew his hand before his boy could do anything foolish, like try to bite him. "Very good, Robin. Now let me reward you while I… recuperate."

"Take… take them out… please…" the boy begged, trying to wriggle to dislodge the man's fingers which were still inside him.

"Oh, no, that wouldn't be fair to you," his tormentor chuckled. "Get used to them instead," he suggested and pushed in a little bit more.

Before Robin would come up with any more objections, the man swallowed his cock whole. It had faltered a little, but embarrassingly enough for Robin, not even become close to soft.

Robin groaned as the heat and suction completely surrounded him, and it didn't take long before he was pushing his hips up to meet the man's mouth. Slade continued to slide his fingers in and out of him, sometimes withdrawing them only to push his thick thumb in or only his first finger, leaving Robin not knowing what to expect. After a little while, after getting fucked with only one finger the teen pushed back against the intrusion as well.

"F-fucking… bastard-aaah!" Whether he meant for the man to do it or not, Slade had added a second finger and was fucking him deeply with them now. "Ahh… yes!" the teen cried out, too far gone to be able to stop himself. "G…go… to… to… hell… AAAHHHHNNNGH!"

A third finger spread him open, but Robin found his body welcoming it.

"Such a naughty little boy… maybe I should have you beg for more, now that you have figured out how to get it…" the villain chuckled, leaving the straining, pulsing cock for a moment. "I'm going to make you come on my fingers, Robin… Like the little whore you are, coming by just getting your ass filled, only wishing it was my cock instead… I'm going to make you cum right… now."

Slade's fingers did something inside him, curled or twisted, and it was like being hit by a tornado. Robin screamed and clawed at the sheets as streak after streak landed on his chest and stomach, even splattering as high as his jaw.

"My pretty little slut… I'm going to fuck you know, and I'm going to keep fucking you until you come again, do you understand?"

Robin didn't understand. He was not really present on the planet at the moment, and didn't return until the hard, blunt head of a cock pushed into him.

The teen wanted to say it hurt like hell, he wanted to claim that Slade ripped him open and it was pure agony… because when being raped that was what was supposed to happen. It wasn't supposed to feel good.

There was some pain, yes, and discomfort, but, for some unnatural reason, having someone shove a tree-log up his ass agreed with Robin.

"Uh… uh… yea…yea… mmm…" the teen moaned as Slade entered him deeper and deeper with short thrusts.

"Such an eager little slave. I thought it would take a little longer for you to crave my cock like this, but I should have known better… you know you have to take it all, don't you? I'm going to ram it all into your tight little pussy and you can't do a damn thing about it but be a good little slut!" With the last word Slade buried himself to the hilt, making the teen cry out and shudder as his entrance was stretched as far as it would go by the thick base.

Slade paused for a moment, wishing he could see the boy's eyes, but that would come later. He withdrew slowly, almost all the way, before slamming into the boy again. There were time to play, though the teen's cock were already starting to strain towards the ceiling again, and the man pulled his member out completely, going slow, watching the boy's hole close up again before pushing the head in once more. He kept doing that, popping the head in and out of the fluttering entrance until the boy started thrashing, trying to push back.

"Want to be fucked, Robin?" The man looked up and grinned, seeing those delicious, cum-covered lips set in a stubborn line. He withdrew again, seeing the mouth snarl. "Come on, boy… you can say it… It won't matter, I will still fuck you, but if you beg for it I'll do it now... instead of playing with you for an hour or so…" The teen's mouth turned into a distressed 'O' at those words.

"D… do it…" the hero growled quietly.

"Do what? I'm not sure I heard you?" the man purred.

"Do it! Do it you son of a bitch! Fuck me!"

Slade smirked in triumph and pushed in to the hilt.

There was no way anyone else on Earth had ever been this thoroughly fucked, Robin thought. It was just not physically possible. Not leaving survivors, anyway. He had begged for it, yes, but he didn't care anymore. He'd gladly beg for Slade's cock on his bare knees if he could just feel like this for a little longer. The thick rod was massaging that magic spot inside him and he was rapidly closing in on his third orgasm of the day. Well… fourth… he had jerked off in the shower that morning to be truthful. That seemed so very insignificant now, however.

Slade was really leaning into him, grunting about how tight he was and how good he felt. Robin couldn't find enough brain activity to answer back in any form but in gasps and moans. Then the climax suddenly hit him and the orgasm washed over him again and again, as he felt Slade fill him with seed, having him quiver as the heat filled his stomach.

"Clench," the man ordered as he pulled out a moment later. "If as much as a drop escapes, you will be licking it up."

Robin only groaned and did his best as Slade got up from the bed. The man opened a door and a moment later Robin heard the sound of running water. He was too tired to care about what was happening, however, at least until Slade came back, and, after a short time, removed his blindfold.

Robin blinked. The room wasn't that brightly lit, but the little light there was, still stung. Slade had, to Robin's disappointment, put on his mask again. All the teen had gathered from what he felt of the man's face was that he had a short beard, but that didn't help much. What Slade hadn't put on, though, was clothes. Robin glanced down and gulped. He was actually happy about the blindfold then, because without it, he would have panicked.

The villain seemed to admire his body in turn and the teen blushed.

"Let… let me go!" he demanded a bit hoarsely.

"Of course. The door is locked, by the way, don't bother with it," the man informed him, and, incredibly fast, he was free. Robin massaged his wrists, pulling up his legs to shield himself a little, while glaring at the man.

"This was fun and all," he muttered, "but I still have to go to Gotham for Easter, you know…"

"Do you think that trick would really work after this article?" Slade snorted and held the discarded first page up to the teen once more. "You are leaving for good. Well, not anymore. The League's inane decision forced me to act, to claim you. You know you are mine now."

"Ummmm… yes. Maybe… but I was really only going to be gone a week. That," Robin pointed to the article, "was the paper's April Fool's hoax."

The End

A/N: because it is the first of April but I didn't feel like writing purely fluffy crack for once… ;)