Muse

by crushed2

Brittany Pierce left everything behind in Ohio in hopes of finding a new beginning in New York City, and by everything she meant her trust in people and her passion for performing. A chance encounter with a beautiful model may just change all of that.

5. Chapter 5

"You rode two hours out here just to say hi?"

"You're my favorite cousin, I missed you."

"We speak on the phone 30 times a week."

"You are exaggerating, and the telephone is not the same."

Santana sighed and Nani just stared at her.

"Okay, last weekend I went on the autism ride with the Tainted Angels..."

"Cool, let me guess, you rode more than your bike that weekend and now you have another psychopath on your hands."

"Is that really what you think of me?"

"Yes,"

"Fuck off, Pu " Santana sighed.

"If you're not going to call me by my proper name I'm not going to be your unpaid therapist for the day."

"Like you don't come to me with your man problems."

"I don't have any man problems."

"Not today, I'll just check back tomorrow."

"I don't know why I love you."

"Because I'm your favorite cousin."

"Yes, you are. Anyway Santana, what brings you to Philadelphia?"

"Cheese steaks. I brought your favorite."

"I live here now, I eat them all the time."

"Ok, so I'll take it home with me."

"Give me that steak. I'm going to need food for this very special episode of 'Days of Santana's lives."

Santana sighed. "Okay, so I took my friend Brittany on this ride with me..."

"The hot blonde?" Nani asked, biting into her sandwich.

"Yes, the hot blonde. We connected. We had a good conversation and..."

"You fucked her, yeah, ok, got it, so get to the problem."

"Ok no...well yeah,... no.. just shut up and let me tell the story."

"So rude," Nani laughed.

"Ok, like, I told you how we met and I thought she was hot and I also thought she was into women but turns out she was only curious. So yeah, I didn't actually have sex with her technically but I had intimate contact with her and I kind of turned down her offer to give me a happy ending."

"Ok, that story is full of confusion but I see you're trying to be a gentlewoman and not give details but you can tell your therapist anything and it stays here you know that."

"I know."

"So okay if I need more details I'm gonna ask but I'll let that slide for now. You and Brittany connected and she's curious and apparently you like her."

"Of course I like her, but I never said what the problem was."

"You turned down sex? New sex with a beautiful woman, in favor of 'intimate contact', whatever the hell that is. Oh Santana, you're rewriting the oldest story in the book. You don't want a night with her, you want a relationship with her."

"Why does everyone jump straight to relationship? Is there nothing in between?"

"No, not really, not if you're eliminating fuck buddy which you seem to be doing since you had intimate contact and not sex."

"Will you stop saying intimate contact."

"Intimate contact," Nani smiled.

"You are such a fucking toddler, Pu."

"Says the woman that's been calling me 'Pu" since she discovered what punani was."

"Punani," Santana snickered. "I can never thank Aunt Gladys enough for naming you that."

"She didn't name me that, she named me Nani."

"Close enough."

"I was named after her best friend who died, remember, which reminds me if something ever happens to me don't name your kid Nani. Don't do that to them."

Santana laughed.

"Anyway, what is the problem? Did this one go crazy on you too?"

"No, we had a talk, all is well in friendshipville."

"But you want more?"

"Doesn't matter what I want, she's not gay."

"But she had intimate contact?"

"You of all people know that doesn't make you gay. You had intimate contact in college with a girl, didn't you?"

"No, I had sex."

"And you are not gay."

"No I am not."

"And neither is Brittany. I tested the waters a little to find out where her head was after this, she's not looking for anything but my friendship. She loudly declared her heterosexuality and said we will continue to be best friends."

"You should have just fucked her. You had one job, Santana, one job," Nani laughed.

"Go ahead, laugh at my pain."

"Awwwww Santa, she may be straight, or she may just still be figuring things out. I don't care who you are or how good the sex is one night of intimate contact is usually not enough to solve the sexuality puzzle, not when you are genuinely confused."

"You knew after one night, and stop calling me Santa."

"When you stop calling me Pu. Listen, I wasn't confused, I was curious. I knew what I liked, I just wanted to try something new. I went into that night knowing I wasn't giving up penis. Anyway, we're not here to talk about my one night with a woman, we're here to talk about you falling for a curious girl. The occupational hazards of a player."

"I'm not a player, and I don't know if I'm falling for her."

"Then why are you here?"

"Cheese steaks"

"Santana..."

"I like her a lot, and it's not the sex because I didn't have sex, just..."

"Intimate contact"

"Yes. I want to step back and let her find herself on her own terms. She has a lot going on and I don't want to complicate things. Plus, I'm a crazy woman magnate."

"Has she done anything crazy?"

"Give it time."

"How do you know?"

"I don't know. Haven't known her long enough to see any signs. Then again I've been to her house twice and have never actually seen her cat. She could be imaginary."

"Shut up Santana, some cats don't like strangers."

"Next time I'm there I better see a cat, or at least some fur on a sweater."

Nani laughed.

"So let's break this down. You like her but she says she's not gay. Even if she was you wouldn't try for a relationship with her until you see her cat..."

"...or some fur on a sweater."

"Then there's the fact that she's also a Brittany."

"Yup, a Brittany."

Nani laughed, "The fact that you say that so seriously will never not be hilarious."

"I need to find me an Agnes. Nobody has ever had a problem with an Agnes."

"Nobody has ever had sex with an Agnes, either. If you name your child Agnes she has no choice but to grow up to be a nun."

"I promise you, there is a hot Agnes out there and I need to find her."

"In order to find an Agnes you would have to go to a nursing home or to 1935."

"Don't hate on Agneses."

"Santana, you can't find anyone because you think with your lady dick. You keep picking these beautiful women who are used to using what they have to get what they want. Admit it, you like to be seduced, and then they think they have you in their web and when their usual charms don't keep you they lose their shit, hence, you and your crazy lady problems."

"I don't think with my lady dick. I just haven't found the right person."

"Are you going to make me remind you of some of your choices?"

"What? Sophia the stalker? Dani the pornographer? Nikki the rich, hot chick who eats pussy like it's her last meal but is possessive as hell?"

"How about Wolf's stepdaughter?"

"First of all, she wasn't his stepdaughter, she was the daughter of the woman he was making miserable at the time. Second of all that was an act of defiance. Third of all that girl wasn't going to stop until I made my knuckles disappear so let's just keep it real. She kept finding ways for me to catch her partially clothed in that house. I mean, who accidentally walks into the kitchen totally nude for a glass of water just when everybody but the gay girl leaves the house? She walked right past the bathroom for water. She could have at least said juice to make her story more believable. Fucking her was inevitable." Santana ranted. "Anyway, if it wasn't me it would have been someone else."

Nani just stared at Santana unconvinced by her rant.

"Oh whatever! I was glad when that relationship between Wolf and her mother ended. Dinners were awkward as fuck after that. Plus, Wolf deserved that. How are you going to move some random girl into your daughter's bedroom that she rarely used because you were always standing her up? He made us share a bed, after he knew I was gay. I was 17, why the hell was I sharing a bed with a girl at 17 especially when I was fresh out of the closet?"

"Excuses, excuses. What about Diamond?"

"There are road rules! Diamond was right that Ladybug was supposed to tell her that she was going to offer her company to someone Diamond had been with before. She just went at it wrong and almost got me arrested."

"Your temper almost got you arrested."

"Plus, that was understandable, there are a lot of women on those rides just looking to have a good time on the road. Everyone knows what those ride relationships are all about."

"And yet instead of fucking one of them this time you bring your own and have intimate contact with her. Since when are you bringing women on rides anyway? I thought you said that was like bringing sand to the beach."

"I wasn't looking to hook up with anyone on this ride. This was simply an overnight trip."

"You didn't answer my question. Since when did you start bringing women on rides?"

"She's interested in riding. She likes it, but doesn't know how to ride, so why not bring her?"

"Liar"

"I am not a liar!"

"You are a lying liar from liarsville!" You took her because you like her. You like her a lot. Just you taking her told me everything I needed to know and if you weren't a lying liar from liarsville you would just admit it!"

"Ugh it was a moment of weakness when I invited her, okay, and I couldn't take it back after she showed up for that first ride wearing a tee shirt she bought in the kids section. The twins were calling to me. I had to answer, I'm a breast girl. It's my weakness."

"I thought you were an ass girl."

"That too"

"...and a leg girl"

"Shut up"

"So what are you going to do?"

"I drove two hours and brought you a cheese steak! I thought that was enough payment for some answers."

"If you wanted answers you would have brought dessert. Nope, you're gonna have to figure this one out all by yourself."

"You have an opinion on everything, and now all of a sudden you're telling me to figure it out by myself the first time I actually ask for your opinion?"

"If you really wanted my opinion you wouldn't have asked and then I would have butt in like usual. You threw me off my game."

"Well, I'm not asking then."

"Well in that case, my wise and always correct advice would be to just continue to be her friend. If you like her give her time to work it out but don't fall into bed with her if you are falling in love. If she can't be a fuck buddy then you can't help her with figuring out her confused state. She's just going to have to figure out who she is without your helpful hands. She's already out of your friend zone. You took her on a Tainted Angels ride. I know what that means. That's your space and you didn't even share that with Dani. San, you're falling for someone who may never be able to fall with you, even if they wanted to. Some people never find the courage to live their truth, and even if she is gay or bi or any other color of the rainbow it doesn't mean that she certainly feels the same way about you that you feel about her. You don't know what this girl is made of. You don't know if she will break your heart because she can't follow her own. You can be there for her but protect your heart, San, please. Dani put you through enough with not considering how you would feel about things. You need to be around people who consider your feelings."

Santana let the words soak in.

"You already knew this, Santana. You just needed to hear it from someone who isn't going to judge you. It would be nice to see you in love again," Nani added, smiling.

"I don't know about love, Nani. I'm not opposed to it, but I'm tired Pu. I'm tired of not knowing whose bed I'm going to end up in when I'm lonely and I need someone to hold me. This is going to sound crazy but I'm tired of empty orgasms. I'm tired of giving them and tired of receiving them. I was more satisfied having intimate contact with Brittany than I've been with a lot of the women I share my bed with lately. I don't know. She's sweet."

Nani smiled, "You know I'm coming to New York to meet her, right?"

"Of course you are, you're nosey."

"I need to know she's good enough for the best cousin ever."

"I need to know too, Pu."

By the time Santana hit the New Jersey Turnpike she felt stronger. She may have already been shot with cupid's arrow but she would take whatever she needed to take to slow the venom down. She's going to ask herself the hard questions, like why this girl? Why a Brittany? Why when she has so many women, including the two that are her tried and true bed buddies. Lexi and Santana go way back, and they have a lot of fun together. Tiffany was the first woman she was with after her breakup with Dani. They get along well. Santana just didn't want a relationship so soon after Dani, and by the time she was okay with one she and Tiffany had cooled down. Tiffany dated someone for a while and they didn't hook up then, but when Tiffany's relationship ended they didn't reevaluate their status. They just went right back to being friends with benefits. They did enjoy one another's company, they just could never meet in the same place at the same time, never wanting a relationship when the other was ready for one. They just couldn't seem to get there.

Then there's Lexi. Lexi is who she calls when she wants to party. They will always leave their vehicles home because there will be no designated drivers, they are both having as much fun as they can tolerate and then falling into bed to end the night right. Lexi is who she calls when she just wants to be free, to not think. Nani always says that Santana hooks up with Tiffany but it's Snixx who hooks up with Lexi. Both women know about what happened with Dani. They are both cool about it. That's why Santana feels safe with them. Lexi has even seen it. She thought it was hot and artfully done. Tiffany has never seen it, and Santana is happy about that.

It was Lexi who made Santana feel okay about not going down on women she's not serious about. When they first began hooking up she just thought it was something that Santana didn't enjoy doing it, and then her curiosity killed her and she found the video online. She had hoped that Santana didn't see it as some sort of betrayal that she went looking for it, and for a moment Santana felt weird about it, but she came to accept that it wasn't to judge. Lexi is a free spirit and she simply thought it would be hot. Because Santana knows Lexi she just couldn't stay mad about it. When things calmed down Lexi did need to know if it was personal. Her insecurities were creeping in. She and Santana had hooked up countless times. Lexi had gone down on Santana. As a matter of fact it was one of her favorite things to do. Santana seemed to really enjoy it as well. So since she obviously had done it with Dani and seemed to really enjoy it, and seemed to be really good at it, why hadn't she done it with her in all of that time? Santana was uncomfortable at first. Lexi wasn't exactly the girl she had serious conversations with, but when Santana told her that she had only done that with Dani, and wanted to only ever share that with people she was in a serious relationship with, Lexi was really understanding. She told her if she wanted to save something for the women she loved then she could choose whatever that something was. That moment was another milestone in Santana's healing, and it came from the most unexpected source ever. She understood that no matter what someone else saw her do with Dani she had every right to reserve certain acts for whomever she cared to share them with. Because of that, to this day Dani is the only person that she's ever shared that experience with, not that she hasn't been tempted in the heat of passion. She's just always managed to pull back.

Then there is the whole strap on thing. Santana is pretty much a free spirit in the bedroom, but she's not one who is into a lot of toys. Sure, she owns a few, she's always willing to accommodate whatever woman she is with and give them what they are into, but she herself always says that she was gifted with everything she needs to ever please a woman. She doesn't even use a vibrator to get herself off on the rare occasions she decides to do that without a partner. She's just not a toy girl, but of course Dani knew her motives when they made that video and so it was a pretty adventurous night for them.

Santana has been thinking a lot about all of these things. Nani has always said that she can be too forgiving if she can justify in her mind what someone else's motives are. But Nani says fuck that, if it caused you harm their motives really shouldn't matter. Sure, you can forgive people over time, depending on the person and the circumstances, but Santana can forgive far too easily. Nani thinks it's because she wants the world to think that she is a tough girl, that nothing can hurt her, but Nani said the danger of that is people believing it and doing more things that can hurt you. Santana knows that Nani is not wrong.

Not that Santana forgives everyone. She can hold a vendetta like a mafia boss when she wants to. Maybe she did forgive Dani too fast. Maybe she should have been more angry at Natasha for giving Sophia the green light to make a pass at her when she knew that Santana was shitfaced. Maybe she did treat Sophia like this innocent, doe eyed newbie to the world of sapphic desires but she had heard enough of Santana saying no to her advances that she had to have known that a drunk Santana may have been her best chance at getting a yes. Even then Santana had said no quite a few times before Sophia had gotten that yes. The only time Santana has slept with a woman as drunk as she was happened because Santana was equally as drunk and they both knew where the night was heading before they started drinking. She and Lexi had many a night of drunken sex but neither of them had mixed emotions about it in the morning. Even when Santana would go home drunk with Nikki she didn't feel the same way. She and Nikki had been together countless times, and when she would sit there drinking with Nikki she knew that her judgement would go out of the window and she would give in to her desires. Still, it's just not cool to weaken a woman's resolve in that way, and so Nani is right, she should not be so easily forgiving.

Now Lexi she could find her way to forgiving. Lexi has always been pretty much upfront with Santana. Santana knows that plenty of her so called friends pretended to be supportive and then went right on the internet to find that video. For some of them it was curiosity, for most of them it was. Some it was done only to turn their nose up at them, to judge. Lexi had done it out of curiosity but she never lied about it. She told Santana she had seen it. She had heard so much about it through the grapevine and she would always shut the talk down. Still, people knew that she and Santana would hook up and there would always be the person who would remark about how amazing their sex life would be. When she heard about Santana going down on Dani she had to see it for herself. Her ego had gotten temporarily bruised. Then Santana explained why and it made perfect sense to Lexi. She didn't feel slighted, she offered Santana a validation that she sorely needed at the time, that she only owes the person that she's with what she wants to share with them and nothing more. Either that person is willing to accept that or they don't deserve her time. Santana's not sure that she would have gotten that message as quickly and as clearly if Lexi didn't see the video and talk with her about it. So Lexi's apology is one she feels okay about accepting. Lexi has always been real with her.

By the time Santana made her way to New York she had figured out some things. She was going to phase some people out of her life, no hard feelings, it was just time to move on from them. Clearly Natasha's allegiance is stronger to Sophia and they could have one another. Santana won't stop Sophia from coming to the club, but she will get nothing more than a pleasant hello and goodbye from her and that's it. She's put up with this long enough out of guilt and she has nothing to feel guilty about.

As for Brittany, well, she's not going to let herself have any romantic ideas about a future with her. They can remain friends as long as things don't get complicated. If they do, well then she has to go too. Santana has been through too much to let anything or anyone take her to a dark place. Santana decided she would focus on the friendship part, the part she had accepted before Brittany made her move, a move that Santana has to admit that she didn't want to fight. She doesn't really feel like she gave Brittany her body, it didn't really feel like sex for her, and not because she didn't have an orgasm. Santana has had sex where she hasn't gotten off before. This was something different. It was intimacy. It was Santana using her body in a different way to help Brittany find herself. Not her sexual identity but her actual sexuality. Her sensual self. Her ability to enjoy sex alone or in the company of another person. Her friends at the club would think she's talking bullshit, but she thinks Nani would understand because Nani has always understood her best. She just wasn't in the mood to share the entire story with Nani. She can't share it with Nani, because she refuses to tell anyone any of Brittany's confidences. Brittany trusted Santana, and Santana knows how much trust means when you're opening up after going through something like that. She would never be the one to betray that trust, even to someone who she trusted with her own life.

Brittany didn't know quite how she felt after returning from the ride. She held Santana closely all the way home. She wanted that feeling she had when she had woke up in Santana's arms the morning after. She wishes she could describe it. She had not felt like that with anyone, ever. Not even Jake.

She and Jake ended on good terms. It was Brittany who couldn't do it, who couldn't keep trying. She couldn't keep seeing the combination of guilt and shame in his eyes. it's all she could see. She couldn't even see the love anymore, even though she knows it was still there.

Jake tried to be her knight in shining armor, but it just wasn't going to happen. Brittany almost dropped out of school because of it, but her friends, they were there for her. It got complicated when she had made up her mind that she wanted to end things with Jake and that Jake wanted them to keep fighting for their relationship. Somehow her friends didn't know how to keep things neutral. They felt caught in the middle and Brittany could see it was just one more thing they were uncomfortable about. Soon it just felt like they were more sympathetic to Jake then they were to her, even though it was Jake's mistakes that had gotten them into this. It was Jake who asked for the photos in the first place and then had the nerve to be so careless with them. A fingerprint lock on your phone is fine if you don't intend to get so drunk that you don't notice when someone is taking one of your fingers and unlocking your phone. So yeah, maybe Brittany harbored some bitterness. After graduation she knew she was leaving Ohio and never returning.

So Brittany didn't understand how this girl who had guided Brittany's own hand to touch herself managed to make her feel so many things. She doesn't know how she made her feel so comfortable about sex. She doesn't know why she loved it so much.

And she doesn't know why she can't stop hearing her mother's words in her head. The things that she would say about what she and Santana had done.

But Brittany came to New York for a new start, and shouldn't a new start include living her life the way that she wants to?

Brittany doesn't want a relationship with Santana, but she can't get out of her mind the way she cared for her. How tender she was with her. How she kept asking how she was doing. How she let her be in control of how things went, until the end where she encouraged her to please herself, which she would not have been so successful at so quickly had she not had Santana's naked body pressed against hers, their breasts touching, an arm wrapped tightly around her, bringing her closer. Brittany can't remember ever exploding the way that she did. She's always been so self conscious. She can't recall ever feeling as free as she did, writhing beneath Santana in the dark. She felt nurtured, if that makes any sense. It makes Brittany wonder if she's ever truly surrendered to an orgasm, ever truly done as Santana had described when she described touching herself. She only had a few beers so it wasn't the alcohol. Maybe it was the fantasy being fulfilled that made her feel that way.

Maybe it was the woman who led the way for her.

All Brittany knows is that she can't stop thinking about it. All she knows is that she's craving the full experience, to be touched by Santana and to touch her back.

All she knows is that the feeling is so strong, that her mother's voice doesn't matter. Her mother is in Ohio. She barely speaks to her.

Santana brings her joy, and that's all that matters right now.

She knows that she's not gay. She still finds men attractive. She just doesn't know if she's maybe bisexual. Can you still be bi curious after you've been with a woman? She doesn't know. She doesn't know and she doesn't know how to talk to Santana about it, and right now Santana is all she has. She doesn't know who she is right now, but she knows one thing for sure.

She can be who she wants to be in New York City.

When Santana returned to work there wasn't an intervention this time. When her shift was over and as she wiped down tables the group sat clearly waiting for Santana to join them. She ignored them for a while. If they planned on being nosey she was going to make them wait. She guesses she made them wait too long because by the time she sat down whatever tiny sliver of a filter Sugar has was already gone.

"So Sanny did you make sweet sweet love this weekend?" Sugar asked smiling.

"Did any of you?" Santana retorted.

"Come on Santana!" Rachel replied frustrated.

"If you and Quinn would just go ahead and have your one night of lady passion you two wouldn't be so interested in my love life."

"You're avoiding the subject," Mercedes added.

"And you're avoiding sleeping with dolphin lips over there and blaming it on Jesus."

"Oh look, bitchy Santana is back." Kurt said, rolling his eyes.

"I thought you all said she needed to make an appearance, well here she is."

"Santana, we're just concerned about you." Dave said.

"I'm concerned every time you and Kurt have sex as well. It's like imagining a Great Dane humping one of those fancy little show dog poodles. Still, I never ask about your sex life and trust me I'm curious because the image of that same show dog topping that Great Dane is hysterical to me."

"Santana, what are we going to do about Sophia?" Finn asked.

"Trust me I'll be having a conversation with Sophia if needed. The one thing I did decide over the weekend was that I may need a break from that particular friend group. I love them to death but I'm getting too old to party that hard. Had the opportunity to talk to some of my older sisters in the Tainted Angels as well as my cousin Pu and I got some good shit out of it. So you don't have to worry about me and Brittany. You want to know what happened this weekend? She finally trusted me. She finally made a much needed friend here in this big scary city. Most of you came here from somewhere else. You all know this is a tough city to find people to genuinely connect with. She and I genuinely connected this weekend, and I realized that I needed that as much as she did. We are friends, good friends, and I'm hoping we will become great friends. It was a great weekend, and she's a great girl but don't worry about me grandmas and grandpas, I will move cautiously and not trust too quickly."

"What did Nani have to say about all of this?"

"Ask her yourself when she comes up here to hear me sing. Her blockhead boyfriend's family is coming to Philly so of course Nani is using me as an excuse not to be there. She will be coming up here to hear me sing and staying for the weekend with me. You know Nani, if she has an opinion she will strongly express it, and even more strongly express it after two of Sugar's drinks."

Sugar smiled proudly.

"So how about you guys stop worrying about me until I give you a reason to worry. I'm okay. I'm not going to fall in love with a closet gay and start singing sad love songs during every set I do unlike a certain diva in our midst did when she and Baby Frankenstein broke up for three and a half hours."

"We broke up for 10 days Santana." Rachel complained.

"That was because you and Sugar Tits Hudson were using the stage as your personal therapy couch. You would sing a sad song, he would answer back with a sadder song, You would cry and get all dramatic on stage and run off, he would look at your flat ass longingly and forget that he's supposed to be collecting a cover charge at the door. Now that was a much needed intervention. We had to sit you two doofuses down for a chat and you were arguing why? Because Finn asked what would you do if you didn't make it on Broadway. I wanted to slap the shit out of both of you for that nonsense. Only thing that saved you that night was one of Sugar's drinks."

Sugar smiled proudly once again and the group all shook their heads in agreement.

"And you filthy misfits better not scare her away. When she comes here you don't give her a hard time, and by you I mean you Lucy. You behave yourself Quinn. You serve her those dry wings with a smile or so help me I will pee in your boyfriend's beer again the next time he's here."

"What do you mean 'again'?"

"I warned him before. The way he dresses sets me off."

"Santana..." Rachel started.

"I'm just kidding, this time, but don't cross me Q. You play nice and I will continue to pretend to believe you're dating that douche bag for his stellar personality and earth shattering sex and not because his family has a lawn the size of a New York City park."

"If you say you're okay Santana, we will believe you," Dave added, hoping to end the death stares that Quinn and Santana were sending each other.

"And if you're not okay we will know," Mercedes added.

"Great. Now that this issues has been settled we can go back and answer the first question I asked this evening. Who here made sweet sweet love this past weekend?" Santana asked, grabbing a wing from Dave's plate and sitting back in her chair as everyone looked at her rolling their eyes.

Santana and Brittany text daily since the ride. They also speak almost daily, even if only for a few minutes. They haven't seen one another since they returned. After the ride Brittany came back to the clubhouse for the post ride celebration. The prospects that didn't go out on the ride put together a post ride meal for the riders to enjoy once they returned. Brittany continued to enjoy the company of the Tainted Angels and even exchanged numbers with a few. She promised to join them for another ride in the future.

After hanging out at the clubhouse Santana took Brittany home. Brittany invited her upstairs. Santana didn't want to be rude so she went up just to help Brittany with her bag. As she was leaving Brittany leaned in and gave her a soft kiss on the lips and then a big hug. She thanked her once again for an amazing weekend and then Santana went to return Wolf's bike and pick up her own. Since then Santana has been thinking non stop. She's been thinking about all of the people in her life. She knew that this was another new start for her in her life, another turning point. She's had a number of them in her life. Her first was probably realizing that Wolf would never really be a father to her. The second was coming out. The third was dealing with the aftermath of the video leaking. The fourth was her grandma dying. Now she's here, and she understands that Brittany may be a catalyst, seeing someone in a space where she once was, but she knows this isn't about Brittany. This is about cleaning out the messes in your life. So Sophia, Natasha, that whole entire friend group, Santana may have outgrown it all. She's too old to party that hard. She's come too far to need those sorts of escapes. She has a job and a side gig and bills and grown up responsibilities. She no longer has a space for them.

Then there is Wolf. It's time for their final showdown. She knows what that means, if it doesn't go well she has to let him go too. Something in her tells her that now is the time. She's ready. She realizes that this may be as far as she and Wolf go on this ride called life. He may have already given her all that he has to give, and if this is all he has then she has no need for him anymore. He's just another painful reminder. Santana realizes that she may have to sweep him out with the rest of the trash. If so, she can live with that. He's brought her more pain than joy in this life anyway.

She and Wolf would be going on their monthly ride that weekend. Santana doesn't always look forward to it but she tries to always show up. She can't say the same for Wolf, but they do try and ride at least once a month together. This coming weekend Santana intended for it to be more than just another ride. She would finally speak her peace to her father.

The week went by quickly. Lots of work and two nights of modeling at the institute. A meeting at the Tainted Angels clubhouse. Her ride with Wolf would be followed up by finally being able to see Brittany. Santana had invited her to dinner. She knew that she would need something to make her day feel lighter after confronting Wolf.

By the time Saturday morning came around Santana showered and got ready for her ride with Wolf. Before leaving the house she made sure to give him a call to make sure they were still riding out that day. It wouldn't be the first time the man bailed at the last minute. She had learned to save herself a trip and call before leaving the house. If she didn't get an answer she didn't bother to leave the house. If she got the wrong answer she didn't bother to leave the house. You never knew when he had a woman in his bed he didn't feel like getting off of yet or if he had partied too hard the night before. She had learned a long time ago how to minimize her disappointments regarding Wolf.

Since the man actually answered even though she had clearly woken him up she decided to head out and wait for him. Once at his apartment she called to let him know she was downstairs. She had long ago given up on going upstairs. She was usually met by some awkward introduction to some barely dressed woman. She could live without all of the unnecessary fawning they would do over meeting Wolf's daughter. Or even worse over their declarations that they didn't know he had a daughter. Then there was her absolute favorite, when they would get jealous and think she was someone he was fucking before he would tell them that she was his daughter and they would stare at her as if trying to put an imaginary beard on her face to see the resemblance. To avoid each of those treats Santana would usually just wait on her bike until he came downstairs.

When Wolf exited the building he pulled some brunette in for a kiss and slapped her on the ass before sending her on her way. "What a gentleman", Santana thought, before Wolf walked over to where Santana was parked near his bike.

"Hola chamaca (kid)," Wolf greeted Santana. He went in for a hug and a kiss and Santana rolled her eyes, weakly hugging the man back.

"Hola Wolf," Santana said dryly.

"Ready to roll out?"

"Si"

"So let's get to it," Wolf said, hopping on his bike and revving the engine.

The two rode mostly silent as usual, even though they could chat through the bluetooth in their helmets. They rode up into the mountains and when they reached a park with a beautiful view of the water and the mountains Santana finally spoke.

"Pull over Wolf, we need to talk."

"Oh boy, it was always trouble when your mother said those words to me."

"I'm not my mother, and it's only trouble if you want it to be."

Santana pulled over and waited for Wolf to follow. Once he did she parked her bike and removed her helmet.

"Let's go find a seat," Santana said, leading the way before Wolf even had a chance to respond. She found a nice spot in the shade facing the water and the mountains. It kind of felt like the calm before the storm for her, but a storm that she was looking forward to, a storm that was going to wash away some of the grime from their relationship and ultimately free her from the confines of it.

"What's going on Snixx?"

"That's a question I've wanted to ask you all of my life, Wolf. What is your problem with me?"

"Is this about the dyke thing?"

"Lesbian Wolf. I'm a lesbian. You don't get to call me a dyke. You can call me a lesbian, or gay, or better yet, your daughter. If none of those work for you my name is Santana, Santana Marie Lopez. From what I understand you named me. You gave me some of your DNA. Then you basically told me I was on my own."

"I never told you that, Snixx."

"Santana. Call me by the name that you chose for me, when you promised my mother the world for giving you your only child, though I doubt that there aren't more neglected kids in your Wolf pack that some woman decided to spare from your idea of fatherhood."

"What the hell is all of this attitude about? Like I said, are we having the gay argument again, because I thought that we were over that?"

"We're not over shit, Wolf. We just don't talk about it. We don't talk about anything so I don't even know why we do these rides anymore. When I was little you threw me on the back of your bike and we rode around. I was fucking adorable, a chick magnet from birth I guess, because you got plenty of numbers because of these cheeks. It was an easy way to seem like you were bonding with me without ever saying an actual word to me. That was when you showed up at all."

"Woah, what is this? Kick Wolf in the nuts day?"

"No, Mateo. I'm going to call you by the name that saint of a woman chose for you, and you can call me Santana, the name she suggested for me and my mother so kindly agreed to. Yeah, abuela actually talks to me, so she told me that you fell in love with that name because of her. Apparently you only had names picked out for your son. Is that the problem? Is it because I'm a woman?"

"That's not it. Fatherhood isn't for everybody Santana. I did the best I could."

"No you didn't, Mateo."

"Stop calling me Mateo."

"I'm not fucking calling you Wolf when I'm talking about real life and real pain. You're not Wolf and I'm not Snixx. We can use road names when we're on the road. Right now I'm sitting right here, having an ugly conversation in a beautiful place. You hate it when I call you papi, but you love it when your women call you that. 'Call me Wolf, Santana', that's all I ever heard, when maybe that little girl wanted to call someone papi, to have a man that wasn't ashamed to let the world know that I was their child. That they were proud of me. Only time I ever heard it was when you stood me on some bar that I was too young to be in and made me sing. That's the only fucking time you were proud of me Mateo, and still, you made me call you Wolf. Then when I came out it's like you would have rather I call some man I was fucking papi than to be with a woman. It's sick and misogynistic. I know that world, that biker world, and how women are seen, the old lady culture and all of that bullshit, but to pass it on to the way you treat your daughter is some sick shit, man."

"Hey, I hear you run through your fair share of women out here yourself..."

"I'm not making babies when I do it. I'm not lying and promising them the world. Every woman I have ever been with has gotten exactly what I promised them. Relationships fail but when I'm in I'm all in. If I'm out to have a good time that's what she showed up for and that's what I give her. I'm very considerate of every woman I've ever been with, even if I don't remember their name in the morning."

"And that's the problem Santana. What are you doing out here running around with these women? What the hell are you doing? You are a woman. You should find a man and settle down."

"A man like my father? My life would be so much better that way. Why Mateo? Why does who I share my bed with bother you so much? You think only a man can please a woman? Love a woman? I promise you I do both better than a lot of men out there."

"That's the problem, trying to do a man's job..."

"So sticking your penis inside random women makes you a man? You really think that's what pleases a woman?"

"Watch your mouth Santana.."

"Woah, am I speaking to my father now? So do I call you dad? Papi? Or do I still just call you Wolf?"

"See that's the fucking problem, Santana! You are not a man!"

"I don't want to be a man, Mateo. That's your biggest problem with dealing with the fact that I love women. I am a woman, a woman who loves making other women feel special and loved in a way that you can't even comprehend."

"Santana, you want to do the job of a man..."

"You're treating me like I'm your fucking competition. I'm your daughter. If I were your son you would be patting me on the back and taking me for beers and shit for the amount of women who find their way to my bed, but I disgust you. You act like you're afraid I'm trying to show you up. Like I'm going to find one of those women that fell out of your bed and..."

"Callate Santana..."

"The thought kills you, the thought of me in bed with a woman and the fact that they want to be there more than they want to be anywhere else in the world when they're with me. Maybe I should do that. Maybe I'll find that brunette that you just rolled around with, give her a real experience, let her choose who knows a woman better."

"I'm leaving."

"That's what you do Mateo, you leave. I didn't come here for this, but once again we got stuck on my sexuality. Do yourself a favor, stop seeing women as objects for your pleasure, then maybe when you think of me loving a woman you don't think of us with our clothes off. Maybe you think of us sitting in a place like this, sharing our dreams and our pain. Maybe you think of us in a kitchen laughing and making dinner together. Maybe you think of me holding her as she cries because her cat died or someone hurt her feelings. I spend so many more moments like that with women than I spend fucking them. Women are real people, Mateo. They need real love. I'm a real person. I need real love. I needed your love and you loved for me to chase it, just like those other women. Well I'm not chasing it anymore Mateo. You give it to me or you keep it, but either way I will be just fine."

"This is bullshit!"

"My feelings are bullshit? Great. That's just fine. So let me put you out of your misery. One last thing Mateo. The Harley you promised me. It wasn't about the bike you know, but it hurt me when you sold it when you promised it to me. That was the one promise I thought you would keep, because aside from your DNA it was the one thing you gave me, your love for riding. You loved that bike, said you loved it like a child and nobody deserved it but me. To me that bike held your love for me, Mateo. I can buy my own bike one day, can sell my bike and get myself a hog and go on about my life. I plan on doing that one day, when I find the right lady to ride through this life with me, when I'm done riding solo. But to have had something that you loved more than me, that you spent more time with than me, spent more money on than me, well maybe it would have made me feel like your daughter just once. All of these years Mateo I've been begging for scraps from your table. I perform twice a week and never once have you come in to see me. Do you know why I love the spotlight so much, why I love singing up there every chance I get? It was those times you put me on that bar to sing. That look in your eyes as I entertained the clubhouse. When they would cheer for me I didn't see them Mateo, because I was always looking for you. It was the only time you looked at me like you loved me. The only time you looked like I made you proud. I think I look for that in people every time I perform, and I still look for your face in the crowd even though I realized a long time ago you would never show up. It's okay now. I'm done, Mateo, do you hear me? I am fucking done!"

Santana stood to leave and Mateo was stunned. He honestly didn't know what to do.

"Santana..."

Santana ignored the man and kept walking.

"Mija..."

Santana stood in her tracks, stunned. She hadn't heard Mateo call her that since she was small enough for him to lift on that bar for her to sing.

"Please, before you go..."

Santana turned and looked back at the man. He looked so small and defeated. Santana had never dared to speak to him like that before. He is her father. She knew that she was being vile and crude and disrespectful but it seemed like it would be the only way to get his attention. He was so used to her shrinking away. So used to her dealing with his misogyny. She was at her wits end. It was all she had left.

The last thing that she would have ever thought to do seems to have been the first thing that's finally gotten through to him. She hates to admit it felt good to break him down. It felt good to make him feel what she has felt so many times growing up with him. It also felt horrible. She loves this man. She also hates this man. It's this confusion, this brokenness, that follows her wherever she goes. She has to fix it or eliminate it. Heal it or kill it.

Her verbal assault was warranted. It was there to protect her, to protect her from this part of herself that too easily forgives those who harm her. In the future there would be a price to pay for doing so, and it would be steep.

Santana had her say, and she turned ready to hear his, no matter how defiant she was.

"I know I've been a shitty father. I can admit I never knew how to be a father or a husband. My papi died when I was young and I didn't have a man around to show me what a man does for his family. I'm sorry about the bike. If it's any consolation I sold it to a brother in my club who wanted to teach his son to ride, and he promised to sell it back to me if he ever wanted to get rid of it. I was going to give you this one if anything ever happened. Everybody close to me already knows that."

"I didn't know that, which shows how close we are I guess."

"Santana, I'm telling you these things now, because I'm not sure you will ever speak to me again. Believe me I've seen women who have had enough of my shit and were finally ready to walk away. Right now, you look just like your mami looked when she handed me those papers and a pen and told me not to say a word and just sign. I knew my words meant nothing anymore, and so I did. When I let our family die, I didn't know how to look at my own daughter in the eye anymore."

"This isn't about you..."

"I'm not saying it for me, Santana. I'm saying it for you. I made mistake after mistake, and after a while you don't know how to correct them anymore. You're ready to give up because you'll never get it right, you'll never get to fix it. If you're lucky you have someone in your life to tell you that you can, and to guide you. Your mami was that for me, before I made her hate me too. Sometimes our mistakes swallow us whole, Santana. Sometimes one mistake only leads to the next, until you're buried beneath them."

Santana understood. She may not forgive him for it, but that part she could relate to.

"None of this explains why you hate me, Mateo. When I came out you were the last person I thought would ever give a shit. You haven't given a shit what I've done with my life since I was 10. What the hell does me being a lesbian have to do with your million mistakes?"

"I honestly blamed myself for you being a dyke..."

"Mateo, you don't get to call me that ever again. That's not a word you get to use. Some lesbians find it acceptable to use that term among themselves but it's never a term you get to use, entiendes? I don't want to hear that from you again. You don't get to call me a dyke ever again in life."

"I apologize. I'm from a different time and place..."

"There was never a time or place where that word would not have been considered a slur, especially not from people like you. So let's get this settled here and now once again. You can call me a lesbian, or gay, or a woman who loves women. Never say that word again, I'm serious Mateo."

"Okay," he sighed. "Mistake after mistake..."

"Are we done here?" Santana asked.

"I do love you, Santana."

"Is that why we ride in silence? Why you stood me up for ass time and time again? Why abuela had to force you back into my life after my grandmother died? Why at 17 I came out to my dad and he made me share my own bed with some random girl who you told everyone was your stepdaughter. You move her mother in and I don't get a warning until I show up for my visit, a visit I only showed up for because I wanted my father to love me even though I loved women?"

"I don't know how to talk to you Santana. Everything I do or say is wrong.."

"And so I get punished because you suck at life?"

"You weren't perfect, Santana. You fucked that girl right in my house."

"Oh cut the shit, Mateo. I was a kid. I thought for years your sick ass put her in my bed to torture me because you thought she was straight and would shame me if I tried anything with her. For the record she threw it at me, Mateo and I didn't take it just because I was Wolf's kid and couldn't turn down pussy, I did it because I knew it would make you furious. You didn't give a shit so why should I?"

Mateo sighed, "It wasn't a wise or considerate choice, but it wasn't a setup Santana. Her mom was my old lady and the kid came with her. You were barely around and she needed someplace to sleep. I wouldn't have set either of you up like that. Listen. I'm sorry for everything."

"You called her your stepdaughter and you barely called me your daughter. You barely treated me like your daughter but you're out here playing daddy to some other woman's kid. Don't get me started on how many times you turned me down when I needed money. It's okay, I had the best mother in the world and she worked her ass off for me, and my grandmothers kept a close eye on me. Women raised me, but despite that and contrary to what you believe I don't hate men. I don't want to be a man. I simply don't want to be with a man. I love women and nothing will ever change that, and I will gladly give you up before I give loving women up. I'm tired of your stereotypes and your judgement. While we're at it, a woman I loved asked me to make a video with her. She was my first real love. I was young and trusting and I did what the woman I loved asked of me. I had to deal with people seeing me in a way they never had the right to see me. I went through a hell you couldn't imagine because of that. Never once did you ask me how I was. You told me you didn't want your friends seeing it. You thought of how it impacted you and never thought of how it impacted me. Again, it's okay. I made it through and I'm stronger for it. Still, you were an asshole for not supporting your own flesh and blood."

"I'm sorry."

"I'm done and I'm leaving. No need for me to wait for you, it's like riding alone anyway, you barely say a fucking word to me. So, I appreciate you listening and I appreciate the apologies. Get home safe and have a nice life Mateo."

Santana stood to walk away and Mateo reached out to touch her.

"Santana please..."

Santana recoiled at the touch. She wasn't used to it. they didn't talk, they didn't touch. A hug hello and a hug goodbye sometimes. Always cold, always quick and formal. This was gentle and he rubbed her shoulder. She didn't know whether to tell him to stop or cry.

She did neither, she simply stepped away from the touch, and the man looked sad, as if he finally understood all that he had done to her.

"Please, don't ride home angry. Bad things can happen when people are not focused on the road. You may not believe me, but it would kill me if anything ever happened to you, especially while doing something I taught you how to do. I love you Santana, that's why I handed you over to Cougar, to make sure you were always safe."

"One thing you taught me, Mateo, was how to ride safely."

"Just let me ride with you Santana. I won't say a word."

"You never do, Mateo."

It was the last thing Santana said before walking to her bike. He would either follow or not, she didn't really care. She had her say and she felt lighter for it. She was still angry but she would make it home okay. As angry as she was part of her knew she would make it home because Mateo was at her side. The only good things he ever taught her were on that bike, so when she rode that was the best her father ever offered her in this life. She was angry, but it had gone better than she expected. She did get an apology and his wanting to ride home with her certainly felt like an 'I love you'.

Mateo didn't dare utter a word as they rode silently, afraid the girl would outrun him on her bike. Her bike was built for speed, his was built for luxury and comfort. It was another reason he wanted her to have the Harley. Driving girls around on that thing and Santana's urge to take it up a notch higher than he had ever taught her always made him nervous. He did worry about her. It really was why he handed her over to Cougar. He had seen her zip past him in traffic when she was young, weaving in and out of lanes skillfully with some girl holding on tight, riding right past him even though she knew his bike as well as she would know her own if she rode past it on the street. She never felt it was worth it to stop and say hello to him. He can't say that he hadn't done the exact same thing to her. So when he handed Santana over to Cougar he secretly gave the woman two instruction, don't let her die and don't let her become like me.

Then with the things he did to her mother, why would she love men? Her sexuality made him uncomfortable for irrational reasons. As she said she is not a man hater, she only hates one man, the one man that let her down. It was easier when he allowed himself the luxury of thinking she hated all men, even though he knew that wasn't true. To have to face the fact that she only hates him hurts a hundred times worse.

He knew this day would come one day, and while he did not allow her to call him papi because he knew that he had never truly been one, it hurt like hell to hear her constantly call him Mateo. He could deal with her calling him Wolf. She had called him that most of the years of her life. She never called him Mateo. Never, unless she was angry. Today that was the only thing she called him after the less than warm hug he had gotten when he allowed her to see him leave his home with yet another woman. She may have been young, but she knows that his scandalous ways cost her a home with a mother and father present. He doesn't know why he insisted on bringing woman after woman across her path.

Mateo had a lot to think about and no idea how to fix things. It made him think about the one thing he once had in his life that could make it all feel better, Santana's mother, Olivia.

But she wouldn't want to hear it, She wouldn't want to help him get his daughter back. He never deserved her, and he doesn't deserve Santana. whatever he needs to do, he needs to figure out on his own.

As they pulled into the city both Santana and Mateo were surprised when he began to follow Santana to her house. He hadn't been there in years, and Santana wouldn't invite him up that night. She had a dinner date with Brittany, and even if she didn't she would not have invited him, not that night.

They were about two blocks away from her house when she was startled by the sound of her father's voice in her ear. He was singing softly.

You are my sunshine

My only sunshine

you make me happy

when skies are gray

you'll never know dear

how much I love you

Please don't take my sunshine away

Santana couldn't help but smile. The man sounded awful and beautiful at the same time. She understood. She understood that he was trying to speak to her in her own language and he was trying to tell her something real with those words, that she was precious in his life, and that he didn't want her to leave him.

"Goodnight Wolf," was all she said, as she sped up the last block home and stopped her bike just outside of her building. She watched in her rear view mirror as Wolf turned the corner heading towards his own home.

Santana was drained by the time she reached home, and really wasn't in the mood to go out to dinner. Her emotions were still all over the place, and she fluctuated between being angry and sad and even scared as she replayed it all in her mind. She took a long hot shower hoping that it would relax her, and then she went to lay down before getting ready to meet Brittany for dinner. It's not like she had to glam up, this wasn't a date, just two friends eating food and sharing some good conversation. So Santana took the opportunity to rest until an hour before they were to meet up.

When Santana woke up she felt as if someone had beaten her with a bat. She was sore, her head was pounding and she had no energy. She simply did not want to go out and figure out where to go and what to eat. Finally she picked up the phone and called Brittany.

"Hello,"

"Hey Ohio, how's it going?"

"It's going good. What's up?

"Had a bit of a stressful day, would you mind if I skipped out on coming to get you?"

"No, I understand." Brittany said trying to hide her disappointment.

"No, you don't. Do you mind eating in with me? You can finally come and see my place. We can order in and maybe we can watch a movie or we can just watch my neighbors and place bets on which ones will end up on the crime channel."

Brittany laughed, "Sure, I don't mind coming over."

"I'll send you an Uber."

"No Santana, I can get there on my own. You're always treating. I'll pick up some dinner on the way over, anything you want. I'll save you the delivery fee."

Santana smiled, "You're awesome, Ohio. Listen, just bring food I'm not really picky about it. Just no funny business. Beef, chicken, turkey, seafood or pork and no weird parts like pigs nuts."

Brittany laughed, "What's your favorite?"

"Italian, but you know what, do you like soul food? I'm in the mood for my grandmother's cooking. Whenever I need a hug I think of her food."

"You need a hug?"

"I wouldn't hate it right now, that's for sure."

"Santana, what's wrong?" Brittany asked, and Santana kind of swooned at the concern in her voice.

"Not much doll, just dealt with a tough thing today. Tell you all about it when you get here."

"I want to hear all about it, okay?"

"You got it Legs."

"And where can I get some good soul food?"

"There's a spot two blocks from my house. How about I call you an Uber, set up a stop at the restaurant, and you pick up the food. I'll order and then you can make your way over here. You get to treat next time, this one is on me."

"That sounds like you're doing a lot for a tired person."

"Naw, I'm really good at using a phone. Are you a health food nut?"

"Nope, I can live outside of the health food box on occasion."

"Good, because I'm going for comfort food. How about some mac and cheese, collard greens, yams, cornbread and bbq chicken because I'm going for a food makes me happy moment. I'll get some sweet potato pie for dessert. Do you know what you would like? They have healthier options as well."

"I'll have what you're having, or order something different and we will share."

"Oh cool. The fried chicken is amazing. I'll order some cabbage, and some black eyed peas and rice. Then I'll get some peach cobbler to top it all off. That way we can share and you can try all of my favorites in one night."

Brittany laughed, "whatever you want, my treat."

"A meal like that only works with lemonade and sweet tea. I'll order one of each, then I'll show you how I would mix them when I was a kid."

"Looking forward to it," Brittany smiled.

"Great! now get over here I'm starving," Santana ordered.

"On my way, Snixx."

45 minutes later the car pulled up in front of Santana's address. Brittany was confused. This couldn't be the right building.

It was gorgeous and there was a doorman waiting outside. The building had terraces, some enclosed in glass and some open. That was what Brittany could see from the outside.

"Good evening," the doorman said, as he opened the door to the car in front of the building.

"Good evening," Brittany replied, still in awe. "I'm here to see Santana Lopez."

"Yes, she's expecting you," the man replied with a smile. He opened the door to the building. "Have a great evening," he said as she made her way to the elevators.

Her eyes scanned the lobby. She saw a sign for a pool and a sauna. Brittany was flabbergasted. She couldn't understand before how Santana could afford a Hell's kitchen apartment working as a waitress and performer at a club. She knows that the art institute isn't paying her that much to model or her tuition would be higher. For a second she wondered if there were more videos on the internet that Santana failed to mention. What the hell was going on?

When Brittany reached Santana's floor she was waiting on her with the door open and a huge smile on her face. Apparently the doorman had informed Santana that Brittany was on her way up. Santana smiled and stood back allowing the woman entrance into the apartment.

Not only was the building amazing the apartment was huge and beautifully decorated. Santana took the bags from Brittany and smiled. She took them to the dining room table before hugging Brittany and kissing her on the cheek.

"Santana," Brittany said almost breathless, "this place is amazing." Brittany's eyes continued to scan the room.

"Thank you," Santana smiled. "I know you must have questions..."

"Well yeah, but it's none of my business."

"I'm an open book, at least for you I am," Santana smiled. "My grandmother bought this place when my grandfather died. She lived a few blocks away from here in an older rent controlled apartment in the building next to the building where I lived with my mom. She saw when they were building this place and thought it would be a great investment for our family. The activist in her also said she wasn't going to stand by while they slowly pushed out all of the middle class people and people of color. She decided that's how she would invest the life insurance money. My mother and my aunt Gladys had their own insurance policies on papa so my grandmother used the policy that he left her as she pleased. She decided to buy this place and we paid it off in full with the policy she left us when she died. We meaning my cousin Pu and I. She left us this apartment and the policy to pay it off. Pu and I lived together for a while before she moved to Philly for work. Then she met her boyfriend and decided she wasn't coming back, and so now I pay the maintenance and Pu accepts me paying her half of the maintenance and the utilities as rent. She doesn't worry about this huge bill she has in New York City every month for a place she doesn't live in and she owns half of a great investment if we ever choose to sell. It works out well for us. She told me I could rent out her room if the bills ever got too crazy but I prefer to keep it to myself for now at least. It's a lot of work but I manage. It's worth it."

"Oh it certainly is. It's amazing Santana. I couldn't imagine how you manage this. I have a one bedroom and I do pretty well as an accountant but New York city rents are insane."

"Yes they are. Trust me it helps that this place is paid in full so I only have to pay the building maintenance, which honestly is as high as some New York City rents but I would be paying the same for a decent place in a far less safe neighborhood and look at all of the extras I get. Only way I'd leave is if Pu and I decided to rent it out and I left the city. Otherwise, this is our security blanket. So you can see why I don't bring a lot of girls home with me, I don't need drama here. Some of these people are so stuffy and I can understand it, they invested a lot in this place. Sophia knows where I live, but that's more because we started out as friends and I never imagined sleeping with her. Nikki has dropped me off at home before but Nikki lives in a similar manner, she knows not to bring drama to my place. She also knows I wouldn't bring any drama to her doorstep. We have an understanding."

Brittany didn't want to hear about Nikki. Something about the mere thought of her and Santana together makes her chest ache. She doesn't know why, Maybe because she can't unsee what she saw between them that first night at the club. Maybe even that's part of the reason she's never been back. She never wants to see that again.

"Well, come get comfortable and let's dig into this food. I'll give you the $2 tour after dinner. There is a restroom right through that doorway. I'll grab some plates and set us up."

"Thank you."

"No problem."

Brittany admired the pictures on the wall leading to the bathroom. There were pictures of Santana throughout the years , many alongside a beautiful caramel skinned girl who seemed close in age to her. Brittany was guessing that it must be her cousin Pu, since they co own the place and seem very close. She remembered that Santana said her grandmother was African American, and she noticed a picture of the two embracing an older African American woman. They all shared the same smile.

Then there was a picture of two women who had to be Santana's and Pu's mothers. Brittany couldn't help but think that she came from a long line of beautiful women. Then Brittany saw a picture of the older woman with an older man. He was very good looking, light skinned with short, curly hair and a light mustache. Santana had his eyes, the way they crinkled when he smiled was just like hers.

As she made her way back to the dining room she couldn't help but think how great Santana looked as she worked in her simple blue jeans and t shirt. She had her hair down and slippers on her feet. Brittany had to smile. The woman looked beautiful doing anything, even setting a table to enjoy takeout.

"So, please tell me you've had real down home soul food before." Santana said with a smile.

"I'm no expert, but I've enjoyed what I've had," Brittany admitted.

"My grandmother was an amazing cook. She made us healthy meals, but Sundays were a taste of where my grandmother came from, no substitutions or calorie counting. Probably part of the reason my eating disorder didn't last as long as it could have," Santana laughed. "She would make these dishes and she would teach Pu and I about our history. She always said that her family is the result of everything she fought for. We look like all of the colors of the rainbow blended together. She would teach us about the civil rights movement and the historical moments that she was a part of. She would remind us that we were a part of historical moments that haven't even happened yet, and that we needed to be aware and prepared when we were called upon to fight for our rights and the rights of others. This food reminds me of her. Each dish she had a story for, either personal or what it meant historically to our people. She told us both to be proud, that I have this African American and Puerto Rican history to embrace. Pu's father is Creole so Pu is fluent in French. Our grandfather was part German. We are just this melting pot of people and we had this strong woman at the head of the table. Any time I need strength I get closer to the things she taught me, the gifts she gave me. So this food tonight is going to give me my strength back. It's going to remind me who I came from."

Brittany knew Santana was struggling with something.

"What happened today, Santana?"

"First let's dish out our plates, I'm hungry, and I want to feed you. I want to know if you like it. Maybe one day I'll cook for you like you cooked for me. Both of my grandmothers taught me how to cook. You'll get the best of both worlds, soul food and Latin food. I can pretty much get anything I want from Pu if I make her a Sunday dinner complete with dessert, especially if I make something my abuela taught me since our grandmother taught us both how to make her soul food recipes."

Brittany laughed.

"It's okay though, because when she makes her grandmother's gumbo recipe with our grandmother's cornbread on the side I'm weak. When I was struggling with my eating disorder, the night she helped me to admit to her what she already knew, she made me that gumbo and cornbread and held me in her arms as I cried and slowly ate every bite. Then she took all of her vacation time and came and stayed here for three weeks. She helped me through everything, the eating disorder, the leaked video, the nasty comments. After she went back to work she made sure we video chatted at least twice a week so she could see how I was doing with her own eyes. She offered to leave her job and move back here. Pu's not my cousin she's my big sister. She's only 9 months older than me but sometimes being with her feels like being with my grandmother, and that's a good thing. She has so much of my grandmother in her, her wisdom and strength and unconditional love. I think all of the women in my family have parts of her in us that the others reach out for."

"That's beautiful Santana."

"Ok, I put a little of everything on your plate just because I want you to try everything. When you find what you like most just feel free to grab some more. There's a pitcher of cold water here and that empty glass right there, try mixing the tea and lemonade...so good. They won't teach you any of this in that fancy cooking class," Santana smiled.

Brittany was happy to see Santana so excited about this food and what it means to her. Brittany was surprised when Santana reached across the table and took Brittany's hand. She said a short prayer and blessed the meal, and then they dug in. Brittany had to admit she had an image of soul food as being heavy and greasy. The meal was nothing like that. The fried chicken was perfect, and the seasonings were amazing. Even the drink wasn't as sweet as she imagined it would be.

"Wow Santana, this is amazing. I never imagined food like this would not be heavy on the stomach."

"Yeah, they're very good. Some soul food restaurants the food can be heavy but this one is amazing. They have that balance of healthy cooking and flavor that my grandmother managed to pull off. It's one of only two soul food restaurants she would eat at in New York. She wouldn't even try some of the others. She was from South Carolina and it always made me laugh when she would just walk in and look at somebody's plate and turn and walk out talking about "nope, those greens ain't right, I can tell." She was the worst food critic in the world because she didn't even taste it before she dismissed it forever."

Brittany laughed with Santana about the memory and then they ate and shared stories and had a great meal. Santana dished out a small portion of each dessert and Brittany enjoyed them both as much as she enjoyed the meal. At the end she watched Santana sigh and put her fork down.

"Ok, I know you want to know what happened today. I just needed a minute to think about my family, my real family. I hate to say it but I would have loved to see my abuela tonight. Sometimes I avoid her. She reminds me of Mateo. She raised him better than that but as an adult we make our own decisions. We become who we choose to become. He became a horrible father. We rode together today, and I decided to tell him many of the ways that he hurt me. I just want to know why he was so disappointed to be my father. What about me was never enough for him to love?"

"Oh Santana..."

"A part of me doesn't take it personally. That's just who Wolf is, but the kid in me just can't let it go. Sure, I know I'm not the only person who had a shitty father, some had much worse. Still, I can't say that it didn't hurt to watch how much Pu's dad loved her. They included me a lot in things mainly because Pu and I were attached at the hip, but a lot of times I went because Pu wanted me there. She had no idea how hard it was to watch, no matter how nice her dad was to me."

Brittany saw Santana fighting back the tears and did something unexpected. She stood and went over to Santana and wrapped her arms around her neck.

"Would it be okay if I gave you that hug, Santana?"

Santana didn't want Brittany to see the tear running down her cheek so she quickly wiped it away as she moved to stand.

"Yeah, that would be nice." Santana said standing before turning and feeling Brittany pull her quickly into her arms.

They hugged for a moment. Brittany was going to hold her for as long as she needed to be held. She didn't realize that it would feel as good to her as she hoped it felt to Santana.

Soon the hug turned into a caress, instinctively, Brittany hadn't intended for it to but it did. Santana's eyes widened a bit as she began to break the hug.

"Thanks Britts. Let me show you..."

Brittany leaned in and kissed Santana and it took Santana's breath away. The boldness of it all. She was enjoying it, after all it was just a kiss, until Santana heard Nani's words in her head, haunting her.

You like to be seduced by beautiful women

Ugh, who the fuck doesn't? Santana thought.

Still, Nani had a point. Santana gently broke the kiss and smiled up at Brittany.

"Thanks for that, feeling better already." Santana said

"Sorry if that was too bold, your lips are kind of addictive."

"So I've been told," Santana said confidently and Brittany laughed. "Come on, let's walk off some of this dinner and let me show you around."

Santana showed Brittany around and she was amazed by the place. It was very much unlike how she imagined Santana lived and yet it very much reflected Santana's personality. Santana proudly showed off her extensive music collection, everything from old vinyl records to cds to a laptop loaded with music. Her stereo system was top notch and of course she had a microphone set up so she could sing. She also had a small baby grand piano and an acoustic guitar on a stand in the massive living room.

"You play?"

"Not well enough for anyone to hear but me, but I'm working on it. Come on, let's have a seat. Would you like some coffee or something?"

"No, I want you to tell me all about today, that's if you want to. How did your father take it?"

"He was actually less of a douche bag than I thought he would be. Which if you knew Mateo Lopez is not saying a lot. Listen, I said my peace and I offered to let him go. He doesn't have to deal with me anymore. No more bullshit rides where we say a total of 20 words to each other the entire day. No more dealing with disappointment after disappointment. My abuela will just have to live with the fact that I will always love her and she will always be a part of my life but she has to give up this fantasy of my father and I ever having a relationship. The man doesn't even allow me to call him papi or dad. Wolf, that's who he is. Maybe that's the only person he will ever be to me."

"I'm so sorry Santana."

"I told you Britt, living to please others will make you miserable. I'll never be enough for him. I know he doesn't want us to be this way, he said as much when he apologized which actually surprised the hell out of me, but even if we're okay I think it will only be temporary. My father is a failure as a father and a man. One conversation with me will never be enough to set a man like him straight."

"You never know, Santana."

"That's the difference between you and I Britt, I'm okay with not sticking around long enough to find out. To me, as of today, even with how hopeful things ended today, as of today I no longer have a man I'm willing to acknowledge as my father."

"You won't ever open up your heart to him again, Santana?"

"Not enough to ever let him hurt me, Brittany."

The two sat silently for a few moments after Santana spoke those words, before Santana felt Brittany's pinky finger wrap around her own. Santana looked up and smiled.

They sat that way for a moment, silently, before Brittany found the courage to speak. She adjusted her body to face Santana on the sofa, and Santana did the same.

"Sometimes I wish I could do that, forget about my mother and my step father. My step sister..."

"I didn't know you had a sister, Britt."

"My step father has a daughter...it takes more than that to make someone your sister."

"I understand."

"She was raised by her mother. She thought I was in competition with her for her father. He was nice to me, but I never really connected with him. My mother always wanted me to be little miss perfect, better than his daughter, better than any daughter who ever dared to daughter in the world. When I fell in love with dance and became really good at it her constant bragging for all of the wrong reasons just knocked all of the joy out of it for me. Her need to push me to be better, do better, never lose...dance didn't belong to me anymore, it belonged to her. When those pictures came out I almost danced myself to death trying to make her proud of me again, but nothing mattered anymore. So yeah, I know how it feels not to be enough. That's my mother though, you know? I could just imagine if she knew..." Brittany stopped herself.

"If she knew you were intimate with a woman?"

That's not what Brittany was going to say. Still, she let Santana believe that it was. She wasn't sure she was ready to say the other thing.

What if she knew that she wanted to be with Santana? What if she knew that nobody has made her feel as good, as safe, as Santana does?

"Yeah" Brittany replied instead.

"Why does she have a say in what you do with your body? Why do you allow her to shame you, even when she's not here to do it in person?"

'That's my mother..."

"Yeah, I got that Britt. I get it, really I do, but she's in Ohio, and you're here. If you can't be you when she's so far away when can you start finding the courage to be yourself?"

Brittany paused before taking a chance. She leaned in and kissed Santana again. Santana broke away.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm sorry."

"No, don't be sorry. Just answer the question...please Britt."

"Finding the courage..."

Santana sighed, "Brittany..."

"I can't stop thinking about it Santana. What does that mean?"

"It means we had a good time."

"Do you think about it?"

"Yeah Britt, I think about it. I think about it a lot."

"I don't know what I feel anymore Santana."

"Do you feel ashamed?"

"No, no Santana, even though I wouldn't want my mother to know, she would take the joy away from me just like she did with dance, I'm not ashamed of what happened between us."

"If it's any consolation we didn't technically have sex, you masturbated."

Brittany laughed, "My mother would be equally horrified."

"So basically your mother doesn't ever want you to get off."

"Unless a man is involved, which honestly, didn't excite me the way that it should have."

Brittany was surprised she had said that out loud. Santana was intrigued.

"You didn't enjoy sex in the past?"

"No, I mean I did, and I didn't. Sometimes I felt like I did it out of obligation, you know? I'm in a relationship and I love him but I may not really feel like it in the moment. Then you realize that you don't feel like it in a lot of moments. I liked holding him and kissing him, and sometimes I liked the sex, but sometimes it felt like he didn't give me time to really want him. A lot of men lack ... I can't find the words."

Brittany knew what she wanted to say, and it was like Santana read her mind.

"They lack what we had."

"Yeah," Brittany said shyly.

"Sensuality. Patience. I get it. Hey, some women lack it too, we're not perfect, but for me, the before and the after is almost as important as the act."

"Yeah..." Brittany remembered, remembered how every moment of that night felt. Every part of her remembered. "It made everything more..."

"Intense?"

"Yes," Brittany answered, licking her lips. Santana really hopes that she doesn't do that again. This conversation is hard enough to deal with, and yet Santana wants to know more. She needs to know more while Brittany is willing to share. She knows how hard it is to get Brittany to open up.

"Brittany, can I ask you something personal?"

"Yes"

"Was that the most intense orgasm you've ever had?"

"Yes"

"Is that the first orgasm you've ever had?"

"That would be two questions," Brittany answered, licking her lips. Santana really wished she would stop doing that, or at least that she would stop noticing her do it.

"Who's counting?" Santana smirked, licking her own lips and yes, Brittany noticed.

"I have had an orgasm before, but many times when I'm having sex my mind is all over the place. For me to..."

"Come..."

"Yeah, I really need to focus or it doesn't happen, and when it does, sometimes I feel a little dirty."

"Orgasms are natural, they're beautiful, they're the reason we all have desires. You have to change the way you see yourself, the way you see sex. Get your mom out of your head, however you have to do that. I'm here for you Britt, and if it means enough to you, you will succeed at this. It has to mean enough to you, Britt." Santana said, taking her hand.

"It means enough to me."

"Then Brittany, you have to deal with your mom. Maybe not face to face, but with the way she made you feel, the way she makes you feel."

"When you came out Santana, was there someone special?"

"No, well yeah."

"Which one is it?" Brittany asked sternly and Santana liked it, she doesn't know why she liked it so much.

"Did I come out for a particular girl I was interested in, no. Was there someone special, yes."

"What does that mean?"

"I came out for me Britt. I was special enough to come out for. I was the only reason I needed."

"But there had to be a girl, a special girl, that helped you realize..."

"Britt, there were so many girls who helped me realize. There was Angela, my first crush. There was Casey, the good friend whose house I would spend the night at and who was the first girl who moved her body against mine, even though we had clothes on and we never kissed. There was Nina, my first kiss. There was Robin, the first girl I ever had sex with. Each girl brought me closer to knowing. The one girl thing, that may be a lot of people's experiences but that wasn't mine. There's no one path to finding yourself, everybody's journey looks different. It doesn't matter how you get to your destination, all that matters is that you end up where you need to be."

"I want..." Brittany paused.

"What do you want, Britt?" Santana asked.

"I want..." Brittany sighed. "I need..."

"What Brittany?" Santana asked.

"You're gonna make me say it..."

"Say it, Brittany..."

"I want to be with you again. I need..."

"What?"

"I need to know. I don't need you to help me touch myself. I want you to touch me. I..."

"What Brittany?"

"I want to touch you too."

Santana sighed. "Brittany, shit Brittany, I want that too, but..."

"What Santana? Like you said it's just an experience..."

"Is it, Britt?"

"It..."

"Be real Britt? Is it, or do you have feelings for me?"

"It's an experience Santana..."

"See Britt, that won't work for me, not anymore, not with you..."

"What do you mean 'not with me'?"

"Do you really want me to treat you like I treat the rest of these girls, just as a fun time? Yeah, I'm nice and I respect them in the morning, but at the end of the day it truly is just an experience. Britt, what happened to me today with Wolf, I'm just ready for my life to be less of a mess. Some people need to go, and some need to stay, and I want you to stay, Britt. I would rather have you as a friend than to squander it all on sex. I loved what we did last weekend, but I also love your company."

"Santana..."

"And Brittany, I know you already know this, but I'm a person, I'm human, and I have feelings. I'm not just some sex machine to get girls off, to help then find themselves, because guess what, I'm still finding me as well. I like you Brittany, I don't just want to fuck you. I don't just want you to fuck me."

"What do you want?"

"I want you to find yourself and when you do I hope you will still want to give yourself to me. I don't want us to keep hooking up while you deal with this roller coaster of emotions you're on. I don't want you to start avoiding me because we didn't have sex tonight. I want you to still be my good friend. I want to still be myself with you. I want to go on rides and invite you places and I can't help myself so I'm still going to flirt with you, but if you come to me, come to me knowing that I have a heart, and I maybe just lost my father, and I just can't take having it broken right now. I'm fragile, and I like you enough to admit that to you. If you need me to help you figure it all out Britt, I'm all in, but I don't want to use my body to do that. Not this time. So as badly as I want to kiss you, as badly as I want to take you into my bedroom and touch you everywhere all night long, as badly as I actually want to see you naked and trembling from my touch in my bed, I'm going to have to slow this down, but I'm going to leave you with one thought."

"What's that?"

"If you find the courage to find yourself, you know where to find me, and I will not turn you down again. I'll give you everything you wanted tonight, and I'll give that to you time and time again, even better than your body and your mind could ever imagine."