Sorry for the long delay. I had only started this as a little teaser until my last story was finished. Finished that up a couple of weeks ago and so now I'm here and totally dedicated to this one. Thanks for those who stuck around for it and hope you enjoy!
"Santana..." Brittany moaned, as she tangled her hands in Santana's dark hair. "Yes, right there baby..."
Santana worked her hands expertly, her fingers curling as she sucked at Brittany's breast. Brittany allowed her head to fall back against the headboard, temporarily quieting the rhythmic sound it was creating from their movements.
"Oh Santana...," Brittany moaned, the sound of her cell phone alarm tearing her away from the amazing feeling rushing through her body. She wishes it would stop, she's so close...
Brittany reluctantly opened her eyes and looked around, blushing at the dream her cell phone had awakened her from. She sighed deeply, realizing once again that the amazing feeling she felt wasn't real. This was the second time this had happened since she and Santana had their encounter in Albany. As embarrassing as it is she wishes she could just stay asleep until the end. Instead she wakes up frustrated. Frustrated, and with an intense need to pee.
This can't be her life. The friendship between she and Santana has been great, but for the first time in quite some time she finds herself thinking about sex...like, a lot. She's not sure she's ever felt this way before. It was just so different with Santana, and she wants to fully experience her, she wants them to fully experience each other. She knows that she made a mistake when she told Santana that it was just sex. Santana wanted her to admit that she was searching for more with her and she just can't do that. Still, she can't blame Santana for needing more, for being tired of being everyone's favorite person to discover themselves with. What about Santana's needs? Like she said, she's human, she has feelings. After hearing about what Santana is going through with her father she can understand that the woman needs more. She needs someone to connect with and find comfort in. She just wishes that she could give it to her. She just wishes that she could explore herself with her before she had to decide that she was maybe bisexual. Maybe even a lesbian. One thing she's starting to truly believe though, is that she's not exactly straight. This isn't curiosity anymore, this is wanton desire, and she knows it.
Not that Santana is making her declare her sexuality, she told her as much. She simply doesn't want to get invested in something that has no payoff other than sex. It's admirable really, for a 26 year old at least. A lot of 26 year olds are okay with just having fun. Maybe that's the thing. Brittany hasn't even reached her 24th birthday yet. She's still in her fun phase, although she isn't the type to really go looking for that kind of fun. Maybe it's her discovery phase, or maybe it's both. Santana has lived so much more than her, and not just because of the difference in their age. Santana just feels so mature.
They've hung out quite a bit during the days that have passed since the encounter at Santana's house. Brittany has even gone to the club to hear her sing again...twice. She has now had the chance to hear Quinn, Rachel and Finn sing as well. They're all so talented. She loves going to hear Santana sing. What she finds is that she can't take seeing her afterwards, as the ever present Nikki or Sophia or this new one who showed up at her last performance, Lexi, come over and find her afterwards. She seems to have a genuine connection with Lexi, who sat at the table with the group afterwards and shared a drink with Santana. They all seemed to know her and like her, and when she left Santana walked her to the door. Lexi leaned in for a soft kiss and Santana granted it to her, her hand lingering where it had lingered in the hotel room with Brittany, just atop the round of her ass. Lexi wasn't as subtle, she simply squeezed Santana's ass, and when their lips parted Santana wore a soft grin, before slapping Lexi on the ass and sending her on her way.
Brittany hates this bitch.
Still, Brittany knows that Santana is still interested in her, even though she doesn't allow the thought of anything intimate to come between them. She has seen Santana say goodnight to some woman each time she's been to the club, as sweetly as she possibly could, but even as flirty as she is she has not left with any of them. Why not? She has no idea when the last time Santana had sex with anyone was, but she knows that she didn't get any release when the two of them were together. Maybe she's taking care of her own needs, which Brittany doesn't want to think about. She doesn't want to think of the image of Santana touching herself, falling apart, hair wild and messy, pupils blown. She doesn't want to think about it, and yet she can't help it.
She's also been thinking about her sexuality, honestly, away from Ohio and the judgmental eyes of her mother and maybe even her friends. Brittany didn't have much exposure to openly gay people back home. Not that there aren't gay people in Ohio, just not in her circle of friends, which is pretty small. Some of the guys in some of her dance classes growing up she suspects were gay, but they never came out and said it. She met plenty of gay people in college. She was involved in the arts after all. Still, her curiosity had not been peaked, not like it is now. The thing is Brittany knows that it is far more than curiosity. She has a full blown crush on Santana Lopez. The problem is she doesn't know how to be in a relationship with a woman. She doesn't know how to tell this woman that she dreams of her, not just making love to her, but she dreams of Santana just holding her, being flirty and snarky and her usual perfect self. She dreams of riding on the back of Santana's bike and holding her close, knowing that she belongs to her. She dreams these things, and the urge to explore the possibility of making that a reality is overwhelming her. It's overwhelming her because to follow her desires would mean to turn her back on ever winning her mother's approval again, and every time she finds the courage to do that a sense of loss so strong overwhelms her and she cowers away, allowing Santana to slip further and further away from her.
Santana knows loss. She hasn't spoken to Mateo since she said goodnight to him after their showdown. She can't say she really misses him yet. This is the third time Mateo has called in the past three days. Santana finally did what she would never have expected herself to do...she blocked his number. She just has no desire to speak to him right now.
It was a bold decision. She was letting him know that his charms no longer worked on her, just like they didn't work on her mother anymore, and she was ready for the consequences...a life without the only man she ever wanted to love her. As the days had gone on, where she had been tempted to give him a second chance after feeling that he was sincere with her in his apologies and regrets, she reminded herself that she deserved to be protected, and that protection starts with her. So she blocked his number, and then she picked up the telephone to call the only person who would care.
"Hola abuela," Santana started.
"Hola Santana, how are you mi amor?"
"I'm good, how are you abuela?"
"I'm always better when you call. I know you're very busy, but I hope you can come by and see me soon."
"I know abuela, I'm so sorry..."
"Don't be, you're young and I know you have so many things on your plate. Just want you to know that I miss you, and I appreciate how often you take the time to call."
"I miss you always, abuela."
"Santana, I know that you and Mateo had a falling out. You know I don't choose sides but if I were to choose I would always choose yours."
"I know abuela," Santana sighed.
"I'm very disappointed in him. Very. You and your mother were very good for him, but he would rather lay in the gutter with the dogs. Any woman who tries to have a real relationship with him will always suffer, I'm sad to say. Only a certain kind of woman can tolerate him."
"I know," Santana sighed.
"I'm so sorry for the kind of father he has been to you. I'm not taking his side, but he did tell me what you said to him."
Santana cringed. She had been intentionally vile and cruel, and she had no desire for her grandmother to know that side of her.
"That wasn't for your ears, or I would have said it to you. Crying to his mother for his mistakes..."
"Santana..."
"I'm sorry abuela," Santana said, and her grandmother could hear the shame in her voice.
"Santana, stop! Escuchame (listen to me). Whatever tone you used, whatever specific words you said, Mateo did not disclose that to me. That remains between you and him. What he did disclose is that you were very open about how his behavior has affected you, and how he feels as if he has damaged you."
"I'm not damaged," Santana protested.
"No you are not. I just want you to know that I'm very glad that you finally got through to him. No matter what you decide in regards to your relationship with him you struck a chord with him, I want you to know that."
"Okay abuela"
"And whatever you said and however you said it is quite alright, because it worked."
"At least for now, abuela. Anyway, enough about Mateo. I called to find out how my abuela is."
"I'm good, mi amor. How is everyone?" she asked, referring to Santana's mother, aunt and cousin as always.
"They're good, thanks."
"Send them my love"
"I will. Nani is coming to stay with me this weekend, she's going to want to eat. I'll bring her by on Sunday before she leaves."
"I would love that but Santana, please nena, tell me you cook. You're too skinny, what are you eating?"
"You're calling me skinny over the phone?" Santana laughed.
"You've been skinny your entire life mija, I don't know what to do with you."
Santana knows her abuela still worries that she's not eating, still worries that her small frame will begin to drop weight again to a level that scares her.
"Don't worry abuela, okay? Never worry about me eating again. I keep a very healthy diet. I work out three days a week and I'm a waitress which is exercise in and of itself, and then I perform 2...3 times a week sometimes, so yeah, it's hard to gain weight but I'm at a healthy weight and my appetite is great."
The older woman sighed in relief at the words.
"Then you also have all of your women..."
"Abuela..."
"When are you going to find someone, Santana? Someone to watch over you and make sure you're taking care of yourself?"
"What, and take away that honor from you and mommy and aunt Gladys and Nani? I've got nothing but women watching over me." Santana smiled.
"You know what I mean. Don't let one silly girl make you forget that love is real."
"Don't worry abuela, I'll never turn into Wolf. I'm 26 years old. I'm just getting my own life on track before I think about sharing it with anyone else. Not like I want to be a singing waitress forever."
"The best singing waitress in the world, and if that is what makes you happy, I support you. It's an honest living, mija."
"I know abuela..."
"Mija, just be happy. I've seen you in pain so many times. No more, not even for your papi. I understand why you won't take his calls and I don't care. I almost lost you, you were so thin, nothing else matters to me. I know I have Mateo, he's my son, and I love him and wish him growth, but you, you are my heart. So if you must stay away from him, please do, but don't ever think you have to stay away from me."
"I never could, abuela..."
"You will never have to, Santana."
Santana hung up the phone. Her abuela knew her well, too well, like all of the women in her family. She has avoided her grandmother at times, not wanting her to play peacemaker. It was a relief to hear her grandmother tell her that she will stay out of it, she won't pressure her. She felt loved to know that her well being meant more to her grandmother than a reconciliation between father and daughter. Santana didn't want to lose them both. Giving up Wolf was enough, even if she felt like she never had him at all.
Brittany had been to both of her performances that week, and would be there again when she performed on Saturday. She would also come to the club the following week when they would be having their big Halloween celebration. It's the one day a year that the club has karaoke, allowing the regulars to sing duets with their favorite performers or to perform alone. Allowing the performers to just have fun and sing and the ones who are not working to drink and mingle a little was good business for both the customers and the staff. Santana was excited about it, says it's one of her favorite nights at the club. She also wants her to meet Pu when she comes on Saturday, and more importantly, Pu wants to meet her.
It's been strange. Brittany and Santana have been enjoying each other's company, but now that Santana knows for sure that Brittany wants to be intimate with her again she has found herself turning down every offer she has had to be with anyone. It really hasn't even been that hard to do, well, Lexi was maybe a little difficult, honestly. Lexi is a good, stress free time and someone she actually considers a friend, someone she can talk to beyond the bedroom. Overall, though, she would much rather laugh and joke with Brittany than to be with another woman in any way. Their banter, the way they are learning to communicate with just a look or a touch, Santana has that with other people in her life, but it came so quickly, so easily, between she and Brittany. She feels like she has known her forever, and then sometimes she feels like she doesn't know her at all. It excites her. Everything about Brittany excites her.
It's Santana's night off, and she's on her way to Brittany's place for dinner. Although her friends have backed off since she told them to, she knows that they are not blind to the fact that Brittany has attended her last 2 performances. Sugar takes in the scene from the bar sometimes with an interested grin on her face, waiting for the moment that Brittany and Sophia clash. It will never happen. Santana doesn't think Sophia has it in her to overstep her bounds, and if she does Santana is ready to say what needs to be said and end this Sophia mess once and for all. As for any of the other women Santana has been with that like to come and hear her sing from time to time, they understand how the game is played. Even Nikki, who understands the mistakes she made with Santana by getting angry seeing her with other women. Nikki has had these kinds of arrangements with many women before, and yet there's something about Santana, some parts she secretly doesn't like the idea of sharing, even if she knows she would be horrible at settling down.
Santana knocked on the door and as always Brittany's breath caught in her throat at the arrival of her crush. She tried not to reach the door too quickly in anticipation, and to manage the grin that was spreading across her face and yet she knew the moment she opened the door she would fail miserably and grin from ear to ear.
"Hey Britts," Santana greeted the woman with a mischievous smile on her face. "Smells good in here, Ohio."
"Hey Santana," Brittany smiled, stepping back to let the woman in before hugging her. "Thanks".
"You and these cooking classes, you're going to spoil me with all of this home cooking."
"What can I say? You're my only real friend here and so that makes you my only guinea pig."
Santana smiled. "Well, I brought some wine. Don't know what we're having but I brought my favorite. Deal with it," Santana smirked as she handed a smiling Brittany the bottle.
"Thanks, go, make your self comfortable on the couch. Dinner will be another 30 minutes."
Santana took off her jacket and Brittany took it to hang up before she made her way to the couch. Brittany turned on some music and then went into the kitchen to check on their dinner. When she returned she had two glasses of the wine Santana had brought with her. She handed Santana a glass.
"Since you love it so much I thought you might like a glass before dinner to get us started."
"You know me so well, Ohio."
Santana freed the glass from Brittany's hand.
"To friendship," Santana raised her glass in a toast.
"To friendship," Brittany smiled in return, bringing their glasses together.
Each woman took a small sip before speaking.
"So my cousin Pu is coming to see me perform tomorrow night. You'll finally get to meet her."
"Looking forward to it."
"Yeah, between work and her boyfriend she doesn't make it here as often as she used to for the time being so she's coming to hear me sing and then she's staying at the apartment with me. Sometimes we will go out to the club together afterwards. If we do you're welcome to come along."
"Thanks for the invite, but Pu may want to keep you to herself."
Santana smiled, "I forgot, not sure I ever told you but Pu's real name is Nani. You might not want to call her Pu. It's kind of a thing I call her, because, you know, punani..." Santana smiled.
Brittany paused for a second before she shook her head and rolled her eyes, laughing.
"Ugh, you are insufferable," Brittany laughed. "Thank you for saving me from that bit of embarrassment."
"No problem," Santana laughed. "This means I must like you a lot, because I've allowed people to call her that just to see her reaction. It's never pretty. People think I have a sharp tongue but Pu can make onions cry with the verbal lashings she can dish out. Nobody needs that tomorrow night."
"Duly noted."
"So yeah, I'm the only one who calls her Pu, and sometimes she calls me Santa because I had a shitty job as Mrs. Claus once. Some of the kids were terrors but the outfit was a look, though."
Brittany laughed and just then a cat scurried from beneath a chair and struggled to jump up on the couch between Brittany and Santana.
"Sorry," Brittany said, grabbing the cat and sitting her on the other side of her, petting her gently. "Lady Tubbington can be a bit possessive. She's no longer hiding from you, she has reached the point where she wants to know how long you intend on being around and if she needs to start hating you for it."
Santana laughed. "I was wondering when I would get to meet the elusive Lady Tubbington," Santana said, silently celebrating the fact that Brittany's cat is real and she has just taken another step away from the crazy zone.
"She doesn't grant everyone an audience, she must sense that you're special."
"She's not wrong," Santana said and sipped her wine. Brittany laughed. The cat shot her a look through squinted eyes. "Good to meet you Lady T. I guess you get to share that name with Teena Marie because I'm far too lazy to call you Lady Tubbington every time I see you."
Brittany laughed, "You can always call her 'my lady' since she thinks she's royalty anyway."
"Nope, that may work for you but not for me. I'm a lesbian in a riding club. When I refer to some pussy as my lady I better not mean an actual cat. I mind as well have let them give me 'Songbird' as my road name if I did that. At least if 'Songbird' got her ass kicked she could keep her dignity. The lesbian that calls a cat her lady can kiss her dignity goodbye. No offense to Lady T, but I'm a catch. My lady has got to live up to the honor of being called my lady."
Brittany laughed, "Well, I'll leave you and your ego alone for a moment. I better go and check on dinner."
"Knock before you come back in, you have no idea what my ego and I will get up to while you're gone." Santana smiled.
Brittany just playfully rolled her eyes as she went into the kitchen to check the food.
Santana liked watching the woman cook for her. Something about it made her feel good. Many women have cooked for her in the past, but she doesn't understand why this felt better, why Brittany's food always tasted better, why the conversation was always more interesting, why it all felt so good, so natural. It didn't feel like when she was hanging out with her other friends and they throw on something for them to eat and hang out. It didn't feel like when she went to meet women who she had slept with, or was going to sleep with, that swagger she throws up all flirty and ready to get past the food and get to what she really came there for. The banter, the posturing, the foreplay they engage in before the clothes come off. This was different. This was new, and she liked it even if she couldn't label it.
The two sat to eat, and it gave them a chance to talk about all of the upcoming things they had planned.
"So are you going to tell me what you're singing this weekend?" Brittany started.
"Well I will be performing two solo songs and two songs with Mercedes. Then she will be performing two songs. Basically we're splitting a set since Berry has some big audition she's preparing for so she can't take her turn at the mic this weekend. The theater geeks will be absolutely devastated."
"Good for her, and I can't wait to see you and Mercedes perform, she's amazing."
"She certainly is. It's going to be a good set."
"So how come you're splitting the set, is it to save your voice?"
"Not really, it's more of a way to keep things new and fresh. It's just how things are done at the club. When someone takes off it gives us a chance to collaborate with some of the other singers. We remain on rotation to pick up a set when things like this happens. We're a group of singers trying to make it, we all have auditions now and then for one thing or another. Times like this when our turn comes up we have a few duos that have some collaborations worked out with some of the others. Mercedes and I sound amazing together and so we have quite a few songs we have rehearsed together under our belts. It's easy to pick two and then pick something fun for ourselves, or something we wanted to try outside of one of our regular sets. So yeah, I get to open with two songs and Mercedes gets to bring the house down after we do our two together. Since Pu is coming I decided to pick one of her favorite artists she likes me to sing. It's been a while since she made it out to see me."
"So which artist is it, may I ask?"
"Amy Winehouse."
"Oh cool! I like Amy Winehouse. You really do sing all kinds of music don't you?"
"My musical tastes are pretty versatile. I love so many different genres. It's fun to play around with them. Plus, it will be a nice surprise for Pu."
"You're really excited for Pu... I mean Nani... to come visit aren't you?"
"Yeah I am," Santana smiled at Brittany's attempt to remember Nani's given name. "But don't tell her that." Santana smirked.
"I have a feeling she already knows." Brittany said.
"I'm sure she does. I can't wait for you to meet her. She's my biggest fan."
"She sounds nice."
"She can be, unless you give her a reason to be otherwise," Santana laughed. "So like I said, sometimes Pu likes to party into the night when she comes through, or sometimes we just go back to the apartment and have a total pajama party. We literally will sit in bed eating popcorn and listening to music and talking all night. Sometimes we will dance around in our pajamas. If you join us maybe I'll finally get to see some of those dance moves."
"I don't do much dancing these days."
"It's almost a sin to waste a gift. If you are good at it, if there is still any part of it that makes your heart race the way that singing makes mine race, then even if you just dance in the dark in your house, please dance, Brittany, for nobody but you. You said you loved it, don't let anyone steal that from you. If you let them take pieces of you away, eventually you won't even recognize yourself anymore."
"I haven't felt like dancing in a while, not dancing like I was trained to dance. maybe dancing around the house in my underwear when something fun comes on the radio, but otherwise no."
"Really?" Santana asked sadly, and Brittany really thought, because by the way that Santana said it she felt a sadness, a loss, in that moment as well.
"Well, just one time, at least that I can think of, in recent memory." Brittany answered honestly.
"When was that?" Santana asked, taking a sip of her wine.
"At the club, when you sang 'Last Dance' the first time I came to see you. That intro is so haunting, and you sang it so beautifully I just felt my body moving, even if it was only in my mind." Brittany admitted, blushing.
"I wish you would have danced," Santana said, looking deeply into Brittany's eyes. "I bet it would have been amazing."
"How do you know?" Brittany asked.
"Because you're amazing." Santana answered.
Brittany simply smiled before taking another forkful of pasta.
"My compliments to the chef," Santana said. "Thank you for sharing this meal with me."
"You are more than welcome. It's nice to have company to eat with."
"Great, because it's nice to not have to cook," Santana smiled. "My grocery bill is down 20 percent since I met you."
"20 percent?" Brittany smirked.
"I thought a math mind like yours would appreciate if I spoke in percentages to you."
Brittany smiled. "It just made me realize that you're a shitty tipper..."
"I pay you in song," Santana smiled. "That makes me a fucking awesome tipper, because I'm good at it."
Brittany just chuckled. She loved the confidence on this woman.
"I can't argue with that. I finally have hope that I won't become the cat lady while I'm living here in New York City. I was actually considering getting another cat. Lady Tubbington has been all alone since Lord Tubbington died."
"She's not alone, she has the best cat mommy ever." Santana said.
"Yeah, but I think that even she was starting to think I was pathetic. You are literally my first house guest since moving here."
"Really?"
"Really. I met people at work, and I went out for dinner or to a bar a couple of times with them, but I would hardly call them real friends."
"I get it."
"Now I have a real friend," Brittany smiled.
"Only because you let yourself have one." Santana responded, "And I'm really glad that you did."
"I'm really glad too, Santana."
"So, are you coming to Halloween karaoke?"
"Wouldn't miss it for the world."
"Are you wearing a costume?"
"I have no idea."
"And what are you singing?"
"I'm not singing in a room full of singers."
"It's karaoke."
"Yeah well I have been to karaoke bars in the past and it was like those people were auditioning for Broadway."
"And this will be no different, but you will also get the drunks, and people like Dave who just want to have a good time, and worse of all you'll get Sugar. Before that happens I suggest you let her make you one of her drinks and you drink the shit out of that drink do you hear me? You will need it. You will appreciate it. You will wish you made it a double. Trust me."
Brittany laughed, "It can't be that bad."
"Oh it can, and it will be."
"I'll make sure to be prepared."
"So pick a song, unless you want to do a duet."
"I'm not singing with you, I'll just sound worse."
"It's not American Idol it's karaoke. Plus, your girl can rap too, I've got flow."
Brittany rolled her eyes and laughed. "Modesty must be your only weakness."
"Nope, good at that too, when I need to be. I just never need to be," Santana smiled.
"Good to know."
"Why don't we do a dance number?"
"I don't dance anymore."
"I thought you just said my singing makes you want to dance."
"It does, but I don't dance."
"Dance with me," Santana said, putting down her fork.
"Now?" Brittany asked incredulously.
"If you want to, but I meant soon. Dance with me Britt Britt. Let's go out and dance, or here, or back at my place or anywhere you want. If you need me to sing for you to dance that would make me so happy to do that for you. Somewhere private, just you and I. You can come to the club when nobody is there. Sugar makes sure that we always have access so that we can rehearse anytime. Just like my singing inspired you, I just know your dancing will inspire me. Will you dance for me, Britt?"
"I'll think about it."
"Awesome. I'm pretty sure I'll be dancing this weekend. Pu is an amazing dancer. She's not trained, never went to school for it, but the girl can just naturally move. It's a sight to see."
"Can she sing too?"
"Better than Sugar," Santana smirked. "She's not horrible, but dance is more her thing. Maybe with a little vocal training which she has never been interested in. Pu is an excellent drummer, though. Her dad plays the drums and he taught her to play as well."
"That's so cool."
"Yeah, she's pretty cool. What about you, can you sing at all?"
"I can carry a tune, but I can't sing nearly good enough to share a stage with you guys."
"But you can dance good enough to do so I bet. Maybe one day you can dance backup for me. Wear something all tiny and sexy..." Santana smiled naughtily.
"Eat your food, pervert," Brittany blushed.
"So are you in? Me, you, and a routine for karaoke night?"
"It could be fun."
"So who did you have in mind?"
"Britney, of course." Brittany smiled and Santana smiled an equally cheeky smile.
The two women finished their meal and then hung out listening to music and talking for about an hour before Santana said she had to leave. Nani would be coming in early the next day and she wanted to do a little shopping and straighten the place up. She didn't really have a lot to do, but she also wanted to get some rest. Anytime Nani was around it usually meant late nights even if they stayed in, and Santana had her set on Saturday, and so she would get as much relaxation in as possible.
The next day Santana couldn't help but smile when she heard the key turning in the door. Nani had called and told her that she would be there within a half an hour and that she had brought cheesesteaks and to save her appetite, which meant that she was ready to get right into their girl talk. Nani knew that things were tense with Wolf, and then there was whatever catching up they had to do regarding Santana's chaotic love life, and so Nani was both anxious and excited to see Santana. She was very protective of her, and also never wanted to see her slip into a dark place again, and so this visit was only in part to run away from a weekend with her future in laws, it was a perfect excuse for some Santana time.
"Honey, I'm home..." Nani yelled dramatically as she closed the door behind her.
"I'm literally sitting right here, why the hell are you so loud?" Santana smiled, standing from the piano bench where she had been practicing and walking towards the front door.
"Miss me?"
"Saw you last week," Santana smiled.
"You sound good. Your playing sucks less each time I see you." Nani smiled.
"Thanks I guess," Santana said, pulling her cousin into a hug once she reached her.
"I have cheeeesssee steaksssss" Nani said in her Oprah voice. "You get a cheese steak, I get a cheese steak," she said, handing Santana the bag.
Santana laughed, "Welcome home, Nani. I've got our special iced team/lemonade blend chilling in the fridge. Let me warm up those cheese steaks while you take your bags to your room."
"You not gonna help me?" Nani smiled.
"I did, I took the cheese steaks."
"So rude," Nani said, picking up the small bag and heading towards her room. "Hope you at least changed the sheets if you banged anybody in my bed." Nani said jokingly, knowing that Santana rarely brings anyone to their apartment and even if she did she wouldn't use Nani's bed to have sex with them.
"Somebody has to give those sheets a workout, you never did." Santana yelled from the kitchen and Nani smiled. "Oh and my abuela wants you to make time to come by and eat with us."
"See, that's why I love you."
"You love me because my abuela feeds you?"
"It's really the only reason," Nani smiled, heading into the bathroom to freshen up. When she came out she sat at the table with Santana as she placed the food and drinks on the table. "How is abuela anyway?"
"She's good, and she is okay with me blocking Mateo..."
"You blocked your father?"
"Absolutely. Blocked him yesterday. Abuela said she's just going to stay out of it. She knows that her son is a shitty dad."
"Yeah, she does." Nani said sadly.
"Anyway, we can talk about him later, don't want anyone to mess up my cheese steak high."
"Ok," Nani said, knowing that Santana always needed to be in the mood to talk about Wolf or the mere thought of him would make her either angry or sad. She could tell that it would be a sad moment this time if she continued the conversation and so she decided to save it for later and bring up one that instantly brought a smile to Santana's face.
"How's Brittany?" Nani asked.
"She's good. You'll get to meet her tomorrow, she confirmed that she will be there when I perform."
"Excellent, and how have things been going with you two?"
"Friendship is stronger than ever. Was at her place yesterday, she cooked for me again."
"She cooks for you a lot," Nani smiled.
"I told you she takes a cooking class. I am her guinea pig."
"Well any girl that makes sure you're eating already has a good start with me," Nani said.
"Wanky" Santana smiled.
"And have you seen her pussy yet?" Nani smirked, coming back with a snarky reply of her own.
"Smart ass. Yes, I have seen the elusive Lady Tubbington or as I like to call her Lady T."
"Teena Marie would be honored."
"So yeah, so far no signs of the crazy, but..."
"But what?"
"She did kiss me and tell me that my lips were kind of addictive."
"When did this happen?"
"The night that I had it out with Wolf. Instead of us cancelling our plans to go out for dinner she came by to cheer me up. We ordered in soul food and she gave me the best hug ever, then she kissed me. I pulled away but then she did it again later..."
"And?" Nani asked frustrated. "Why the hell do you always do that Santana, just trail off at the good part all dramatic and go to a commercial break? Just tell the damn story."
Santana laughed. "I do it because I know it drives your nosey ass crazy."
"Well quit it!" Nani said emphatically.
"And I heard your voice in my head, which instantly just put out the fire." Santana sighed.
"What did I say?" Nani smiled.
"You like to be seduced by beautiful women, which may be the most obvious thing you've ever said in your life. What person that likes women doesn't like to be seduced by beautiful women?" Santana sighed.
Nani laughed, " Seduction is an art form and can be sexy as hell, but when someone goes from seducing to hot pursuit the fun goes away pretty quickly. I know that you know the difference. While it can be flattering, not everyone likes being pursued, at least not as aggressively as some of these women have pursued you. There is something to be said for a person who can accept that someone doesn't want them. Who can fall back and give people time to consider if they want to be with you. I know that there are people who like the thrill of the chase, but there is a thin line between someone just hesitant to say yes and someone who firmly means no. You were very firm with Sophia. Yeah, true seduction is nice, but not gonna lie I have a problem with Sophia, and Natasha too, for the way things went down between you two."
"I'm responsible for myself, Pu."
"Yeah you are, Santana, but I know you, you drank like that because you thought that you were safe among friends. Just like you thought you were safe when Dani did what she did to you. Sophia was wrong. Natasha was wrong and Dani was the worst. Listen, I'm not the only one who feels this way, everybody that has your back at the club feels the same way. I'm not saying you're off the hook for sleeping with Sophia, or that some crime was committed against you, but if a guy had taken advantage of me while I was drunk a lot of people would be seeing things differently. You would be seeing things differently, Santana, and until you do I'm going to be a holy terror to anyone who gains your trust until they earn mine."
"Pu, behave yourself this weekend, I mean it."
"Oh you don't have to worry Santana, not unless I see something I don't like. Then you have to worry. Then everybody has to worry. Santana, I'm not going to let anybody hurt you, not if I see it coming. I could have lost you," Nani paused. She doesn't cry a lot, not in front of others, but the thought of how lost Santana was after the sex tape was leaked, the thought of how thin and frail she had gotten, the thought of how there no longer seemed to be any light in her, it was hard to hold back those tears even though she managed to. She swallowed hard and looked away towards the window with the beautiful view, and she tried to push the thought of a world without Santana in it out of her mind.
Santana reached across the table and squeezed her hand softly.
"Pu, I'm never going to that place again, okay, and I do see things differently. I just don't like to blame others for my actions. I had sex with Sophia because I wanted to. Yeah, I knew not to and so I intended not to even if she's attractive but at the end of the day I got drunk and let my guard down..."
"In a house full of people you have known for years and trusted, just like you trusted Dani. I get it Santana, but people have to meet you half way. Sophia knew you didn't want to sleep with her. Natasha knew you didn't want to sleep with Sophia, and you never said it was because you didn't find her attractive. You had your reasons, and whatever those reasons were nobody needed to know but you and them not knowing doesn't mean that those reasons weren't valid. They didn't respect you Santana. They had their image of you and decided for you what you could live with and what you couldn't live with, just like Dani had done. Never again, Santana."
"Never again Pu," Santana replied, letting the words sink in.
"I'm proud of you, Santana. You came so far, and you really seem to like this girl, and I still don't know what the hell intimate contact is but I'm glad that if she has the ability to shake up your emotions that you are moving slowly with her. I can't blame a person for needing to find themselves, and she's a few years younger than you, too. She deserves that room to grow and I'm happy to see that you're giving it to her. I also need to know that she can give you what you need as well. How well did she take it when you pulled away from that kiss?"
"She took it well. She understood where I was coming from and she accepted my offer of friendship and she knows I'll be here when she decides what she wants, just as long as it doesn't take forever. We hang out, I haven't really been with anyone else since then but Lexi came to hang out with me earlier this week at one of my performances and we were all okay."
"Sexy Lexi came by and you didn't go home with her? You're losing your touch, girl."
"My touch is just fine," Santana scoffed and Nani laughed.
"What's Lexi up to these days?"
"She's good."
"Wait a minute Santana, you said you haven't been with anyone since Brittany tried to kiss you?" Nani asked as if having a revelation.
"That was literally days ago, Pu."
"How about before that? Have you been with anyone since you two have had intimate contact?"
"Will you stop saying intimate contact!"
"Intimate contact," Nani said, smiling.
"Ugh, I totally regret saying that to you."
Nani laughed, "Just answer the question."
"No, I'm not a sex addict, Pu. I've taken some time off before."
"When?" Nani laughed.
"Shut up."
"Seriously, I know you have some level of self control, but I also know you like to flirt and keep the company of women even if you're not having sex with them, so who was the last person you've been with, even hanging out with, since you've met Brittany?"
"Nikki"
"Oh come on Santana..." Nani said, disappointed.
"I know Pu. It was just once right after I met her and nobody since then. I don't even know why I did it."
"Maybe to get your mind off of Brittany?"
"No, that's not it."
"Would it be so bad if it was? I mean, I don't want you to fall for someone who can't love you like you need them to love you, or who is stuck in the closet or in denial, but if you were to find someone stable to get in a relationship with I would be so happy for you, Santana."
"I'm looking for something different, Pu. Just looking for happiness and stability. I'm not asking for anything unattainable. I just need the right person by my side."
"Do you want Brittany to be the right person?"
"I don't know Pu, but I know that I don't want to be anything like Wolf, and right now my Lopez DNA is shining through. Going on those rides and ending up with a different girl every time. Some of the guys from Wolf's club would even pat me on the back about it like that's something to be proud of. I couldn't even see how much like Wolf I was becoming. Sure, I'm not a liar and a cheater, but I'm also not offering these women anything but a good time, and I have so much more to offer than that."
"You do, Santana, but don't be so hard on yourself. You are nothing like Wolf. I know that's your dad and I love him but Wolf is empty promises and disappointments. He's inconsiderate, immature and self centered and I for one am so glad that you finally called him out on his shit. He's too old to have a fully grown daughter in pain over him. He loves you Santana, I know he does, but that was never excuse enough to be neglected by him. My heart broke for you having to deal with a dad like him. Maybe some time apart will grow him up."
"Maybe, but even if I never have him I know I will always have you," Santana smiled.
"Always have, always will Santana."
Nani and Santana finished their lunch and hung out a while catching up and watching tv. As the two sat watching the end of "The Bodyguard" Santana's phone rang and Nani noticed the slight twinkle in her eye. She watched as Santana casually got up, trying to act as if she wanted something from the kitchen. Nani already knew who it was in her mind, but she smiled inwardly. Santana has never found the need to get up and leave to talk to someone around Nani, not unless she was trying to guard her emotions. She already knew that Santana liked this girl. Now she knows that Santana really likes this girl.
"Hey Ohio," Santana smiled into the phone.
"Hey New York. Hope I'm not interrupting your time with Nani."
"Somebody has to give me a break from that woman," Santana huffed.
"Please, you love every moment with her I can hear it in your voice."
"Oh, so you know me that well now, huh? " Santana dropped her voice to a level that oozed sex. "What am I thinking now, Brittany?" She rasped.
Brittany gulped, glad that Santana couldn't see her face. "You just can't help yourself, can you?"
"I really can't," Santana laughed. "What's going on with you, Britt?"
"Do you know what costume you're wearing next week?"
"I was thinking lingerie, that way I can go as 'everyone's fantasy'? Santana joked, before thinking that might be a great idea for the future.
"I don't know what I'm going to do with you." Brittany shook her head.
"I could teach you," Santana smirked.
"You are on a roll today," Brittany laughed. Anyway, I have something in mind for us..."
"Britts, are we about to do some couples shit and have matching costumes?" Santana laughed.
"No, we're about to do some best friend shit and have matching costumes so that we can kick butt at karaoke."
"In that case, hell yeah!"
"Great, we can start by raiding each other's closets first. It's pretty simple, we may have most of what we need."
"Okay, what did you have in mind?"
"Like I said before, Britney...of course." Brittany smiled before attempting to end the call "bye Santana."
Santana laughed, "oh so you're gonna make me wait?"
"Yeah, I am."
"It's okay Britt, I'll wait for you as long as I have to," Santana flirted, but there was no laughter in her voice. She meant it, and Brittany knew she wasn't exactly joking. She suspects that she's talking about more than a song choice.
"We'll talk later and figure out a day we can get together. We need time to practice."
"Oh you're serious about this, huh?" Santana smiled.
"It's been a long time since I've taken a stage, Santana. I'm not going to look like a fool."
Santana smiled. She remembered that once upon a time this girl was a serious performer. She realizes that this little moment may be just what she needs to get that passion back. To remember why they do what they do. They do it for the love of how it makes them feel.
"Don't worry, we're gonna kill it, Britts."
"Absolutely," Brittany smiled. "Talk to you soon, Snixx."
"Later, Legs" Santana smiled before hanging up.
Nani smiled knowingly at Santana as she entered he room.
"What the hell are you grinning at?"
"Someone I haven't seen in a really long time." Nani said, smiling.
"You drive out here just to mess with me, and yet I greet you every time with open arms like a big dummy."
Nani laughed. "First of all, you answered the phone when "The Bodyguard" was on and nobody was in danger. There are only a few people in the world you interrupt Whitney for."
"You got me there."
"It was Brittany, wasn't it?"
"It was Lexi."
"Bullshit, I've seen you and Lexi together. Hell I've heard you and Lexi together and I will never forgive you for that by the way."
Santana laughed.
"You have never looked like this after talking to anyone except maybe Dani the demon."
"Dani wasn't a bad person, she did a stupid thing."
"What she did almost killed you even if she didn't mean for it to. Sorry if I don't like the bitch after that."
Santana let it go. That wasn't a fight she was going to win with Nani, and Nani is one of maybe only 4 people on this planet that she would do that for. The others were her mother, her abuela, and her Aunt Gladys.
"So back to Brittany. Okay, I'm about to be the nosey big cousin here. You wanna talk about what's really going on between you two, because the way you snuck out of here to throw a napkin away just as you took your "friends" call..." Nani said, making air quotes with her fingers. Santana rolled her eyes.
"What I want to know is are you going to be okay if this girl hooks up with someone else? You turned her down, even if she knows that you're still interested. You told her to go and find herself, what if she finds herself with someone else?" Nani continued.
"That's a chance I have to take." Santana said, her heart clenching in her chest.
"Is it?"
"Didn't you agree with me when I said I wasn't going to sleep with her?"
"I did, and I still do Santana, but for how long is the question. Move very cautiously, but do you know what you would actually need from her to take another step with her? I want you to have a clear plan, and if you do I'm glad that you're focused. What do you need from her?"
"I need her to say it Nani."
"To say what?"
"To say that what happened between us in Albany meant something. I need her to say I mean something, and not just as her best friend."
"That makes sense Santana, even if I still have no clue what type of intimate contact you're talking about because you're starting to sound like you two had sex in Albany. Maybe not the kind of sex you're used to, but whatever it was it meant something to you. In one way or another you made love to that woman that night, even if neither of you idiots realize it."
"It did mean something, and stop saying 'intimate contact'," Santana rolled her eyes.
"Intimate contact," Nani laughed. "At this point you're just asking for it."
Santana rolled her eyes.
"Seriously Santana, if this girl makes you feel something meet her half way. Tell her clearly what you need from her if the conversation comes up again, because she may not be clear on how much validation you need in order to get to a point where you are both comfortable. It's a confusing time for both of you for very different reasons. Just be clear with her."
Santana let the words soak in. She had told Brittany that she would be there and help her on her journey but she never clearly said what she needed. Maybe at the time she wasn't so clear about what she herself needed either, or at least she wasn't fully able to admit it. She wants Brittany, she wants Brittany even more than she wants to have sex with Brittany, and that's scary to Santana. Most of all, she wants Brittany to want her in the same way. Santana is sick of speaking to women with her body. This woman she speaks to with her soul.
"Let me show you something," Santana said, standing as Nani watched her.
"Get up, lazy ass," Santana said.
"See, your communication skills suck. How was I supposed to know I had to get up, too?" Nani smiled.
"I hate you," Santana said, rolling her eyes.
"You hate me because you love me, Simon," Nani laughed as Santana scowled. Nani called Santana that sometimes because she said she had chipmunk cheeks, and since Alvin and the chipmunks sang as well it was her way of calling Santana a singing chipmunk. She chose Simon because Santana was gay, and Simon's name was the gayest to her. Santana actually thought Theodore sounded gayer but she kept silent, because she'd rather be called Simon than Theodore. Theodore is kind of a pushover. Plus, Simon has more of Santana's personality traits, so she could get behind being Simon. Simon is obviously the smartest. Theodore was kind of gullible.
Nani got up and followed Santana to her bedroom.
"Ok, what freaky mess have you added to the boom boom room."
"Stop calling my bedroom the boom boom room," Santana rolled her eyes. Once they reached her room she pointed to the portrait over the wall.
"I told you how I met Brittany, I posed in her art class. She stood up for me when some pervy guy was leering at me. This is how she saw me. This is how she drew me when she had only heard me speak maybe 10 words. She saw me, and she saw me as beautiful and powerful and vulnerable and sexy. She saw so much more than my body. She painted my soul."
"Wow. First of all that's beautiful, she's crazy talented. Second of all ewwww, warn me before you show me naked paintings of you." Nani laughed. "Third of all, seriously Santana, I can't wait to meet her tonight."
"I can't wait for you to meet her either, Pu." Santana answered sincerely.