Trying to Quit
Disclaimer: I own no one!
A/N- Kind of relates to the tag team split of Masters and Carlito, but not really.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
I wish I knew how to quit you.
-Brokeback Mountain
As hard as he tried, Carlos was unable to leave the sleeping man in his arms. He knew the best way to guard his heart was to leave. He knew if he stayed, it would only happen again and again.
Chris Mordetsky snored softly, unaware of his lover's turmoil. Carlos sighed. Should he leave a scribbled note and once again try to forget all about Chris?
How many times had they been through this? Each time led to heartache. Why? Why was he unable to leave Chris? There had to be a reason he wasn't seeing.
Chris and Carlos kept getting back together. Their first breakup had lasted six months. Their second breakup had lasted three months. Now they were content to having occasional one-night stands with each other.
After Chris, Carlos had tried dating other men. For some reason though, every man he dated had issues, small things that drove him mad. He had even once dumped a man for being too tall.
Chris completed him, in ways few others had. Yet, they argued like cats and dogs. Chris got on his nerves, more than anyone ever had.
As the other man snored, Carlos stifled laughter. He wondered if Chris knew he sounded like an angry train. Should he tell him? Annoying Chris was fun, even if the other man got annoyed way too easily.
He knew he should be sleeping. He knew morning would come soon enough. Once morning came, it would be as if they were apart. Once morning came, it would be as if they didn't love each other.
When morning came, Carlos' heart would break again. He'd be down for a day or two and then it would be as if nothing had ever happened.
They had been doing this for the past year. As sad as it was, Carlos had gotten used to the broken hearts. It was a part of life. What could he do?
Chris stirred in his arms, causing Carlos to glance down. He met Chris' piercing stare.
"Have you been to sleep yet?" he murmured, reaching up and running his fingers through Carlos' hair.
"No, I've been watching you snore, Mi Tren Enojado," Carlos murmured. Chris blinked.
"What's that mean?"
"My angry train. You snore,"
"I do not!"
"Do too"
"Do not"
Carlos hated to admit he missed arguing with Chris. Their stupid arguments always got them angry, but they always ended up making up.
Chris pulled him down, refusing to let him sit up. Carlos smirked, knowing he was getting on Chris' nerves. He didn't sleep during these times, if he could help it. He wanted to savor each moment he had with Chris.
Their trysts were getting farther apart. At first, it had been once a week. Then, it went to every month. Now, they were every three months.
They always vowed 'this' was 'the last time'. They would move on. They would find happiness with someone else.
They always ended up back together.
They were almost empathic, when it came to each other. Carlos somehow always knew what Chris was feeling, except when it came to him. He never knew. He could only wonder.
Did Chris miss him when they were apart as much as he missed him?
What was he supposed to do? He loved Chris. He always had. Yet, it seemed like when they were together, they were miserable. When they were apart, they were miserable.
Was there no median?
Carlos' head sunk into the plush pillow. He sighed, Chris protectively clutching him. The hotel room was nice, much better than the places they usually stayed in.
Their affair was the worst kept secret in the back. Everyone knew, and yet, they didn't know. They knew Chris and Carlos were lovers in some way but they just didn't know how far the connection extended.
Before he knew it, the sun was drifting into his eyes, warming his skin, and waking him up. Surprisingly, Chris was still sound asleep.
It was the first time Carlos could remember waking up with Chris in his arms. Every time they had one of their trysts, Chris was always gone by the time Carlos woke up. Could this mean something?
Carlos sighed. They couldn't get back together. As much as he loved Chris, they were too different to get along. Carlos was secure in his sexuality, in who he was. Chris wasn't even out to his family.
What was Carlos going to do?
Leaving Chris alone, Carlos took a hot shower. That was always his remedy for a broken heart. The low hiss of the water hid the fact he cried.
He didn't understand how he could despise and yet love someone so much. Chris was such a major part of his soul.
Walking out of the shower, Carlos wasn't surprised to find Chris gone. He was used to it. It was sex, pure sex. There was no emotion involved.
Yet, it was all about emotion.
Carlos struggled to read Chris' almost illegible handwriting.
Carlos,
When can I see you again?
Chris
A sob caught in Carlos' throat. Chris never asked that. What could that mean? Could it mean nothing?
Dressing, Carlos decided to hang around the hotel room for a while. He needed to think. Should he call Chris?
His cell phone began to beep, signaling that he had a voice message. Carlos was baffled. What could it mean? Who had called? As far as he knew, no one had called him all night.
Listening, his eyes widened. It was Chris.
Carlos, I'm on my way back to the hotel. Sorry I had to leave, but if I stayed, I would never have left. I can't hurt you. When we're together, we do nothing but argue. When we're apart, we're miserable. What's a guy to do it? I just wish I could figure out what it was about you.
Carlos knew what Chris meant. Why did he keep coming back for heartache? What was it about Chris that set him apart from the other guys?
Glancing toward the open window, he realized only the heavens knew the answer to that and they weren't giving it up yet.
THE END