This is the translation of my idea for a St. Valentine's-Challenge in a German HP-Community. Actually I was too late to partake in the challenge, but as it is not possible to get rid of good ideas I wrote my story nevertheless.
Given were:
Genre: either Humor and/or Romance
One of the following pairings: SnapexHermione, HarryxDraco, HarryxGinny, RonxHermione, RonxTonks
Setting: St. Valentine's Day
And 3 of the following sentences:
- Let me be your bathing sponge
- You are the Voldemort of love…
- Grrr, stroke my chest-pelt…
- You are the jelly, I am the baby…
- Oh yes, play it again, Sam.
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any of the characters from the HP-universe used in this story. They all belong to JKR. I only borrowed them and am not earning money with them.
The story:
Puppet theaterHermione Jane Samantha Granger was sitting in the room of requirements and tried to forget that it was St. Valentine's Day. For, honestly, who needed St. Valentine's Day? This was just another silly day, where everyone suddenly expected flowers and chocolates. And love-cards and such things. Okay, if one was in love with someone, this day might hold something special. Even despite all the expectations. But she was not in love with someone.
The short relationship with Ron had ended more than three months ago, for, after a very short time, they had discovered that all making up was not worth the quarreling. And they did quarrel, more than before when they had only been friends. So they finally came to the conclusion, that it would be better to be just friends once again. A decision Harry had welcomed, for his two best friends meant too much to him to lose them. For even though he still was happy with Ginny, a girlfriend was something different than the best friends.
The whole day had been really screwed up. It had started with lots of tiny pink glitter-hearts made of cotton candy raining down from the ceiling of the great hall. Definitely Dumbledore's idea! But how he had managed to get this organized from his portrait in headmistress McGonagall's office, Hermione did not know.
In the hallways suddenly appeared far more couples than usually, and by the end of the third lesson, Hermione wouldn't have wondered if those Valentine's goblins from her second year had reappeared, that Professor Lockheart had brought along back then. Luckily this was not the case, but the house elves had decided to play the love messengers that day. Dobby's idea! And because they were serving their masters and mistresses this way, it had been quite easy for him to convince the other elves of his plan. As it was now Hermione's seventh and final year in Hogwarts, and after years of fighting in vain, she had come to the conclusion that she wouldn't gain anything by talking to the elves themselves about their rights. Therefore she now mostly ignored the little servants.
At lunch Lavender and Parvati had showed off excitedly their many Valentine's cards and pitied Hermione for not having received even one. As if Hermione cared for those cards. The only thing that had annoyed her right then was the pitiful ado of her class mates, which was why she finally had gotten up to spend the remainder of the lunch break in the library. Unfortunately she had been a little too late to escape the words of Professor McGonagall, who reminded the students that there would be a St. Valentine's party in the evening.
All this, and in addition the prospect of a pink cotton-candy-party convinced Hermione to sneak out of the Gryffindor common room and to walk up and down three times in front of the ballet-teaching troll while thinking: 'I need a room to escape St. Valentine's Day.'
When she entered the room of requirements, she found herself in a room that resembled very much her Kindergarten. Oh yes, she thought, back in Kindergarten you didn't care about St. Valentine's Day. In Kindergarten the 14th of February simply meant another day of play. And somehow, she did not exactly know why, she felt a desire to play those childish games once more.
After looking around for a short time, she even discovered a magically altered cassette recorder along with some audio plays, one of them being "The Little Merman". How had she loved that story when being little. In a jiffy the audio play was in the cassette recorder and the well known story by Ottfried Preußler was audible.
For a while she played with the big Lego bricks, building Hogwarts and Hogsmeade in miniature (with a little help of her wand), quite oblivious to her surroundings, listening to the play. Then the puppet theater in one of the corners attracted her attention. It had the classical glove puppets: the Punch, Gretel, the King, the Crocodile and the Grandmother. With a few chosen charms Hermione changed the heads of the puppets according her wishes. The Grandmother now bore unmistakably the features of Professor McGonagall, the Crocodile had long, black, greasy hair and the King had a scar in the shape of a lightning on his forehead.
"Oh King Harry! Bad lore reaches this country of ours." A freckled red-haired Punch approached the King.
"What is it, my faithful friend and Punch Ron?"
"The Crocodile named Snape is loose, and has threatened to gorge the most important maiden of this country!"
"Oh no! You do not mean Princess Ginny, my fair betrothed one?" If the puppet had been capable of it, it would have shown a face of terror.
Change of scene and puppets, Punch Ron was replaced by Princess Ginny of Gretel.
"Oh my beloved Ginny! An o so terrible harm is threatening you and our joint future. A dangerous beast is after you!"
"Aaaaaaahhh! O my King, this must not be. Hide me, if necessary, but do not leave me alone, Harry, dream of my sleepless nights!"
"Don't worry, I have already talked to the court magician. She promised to stand by me in this important hour and to turn you into something inconspicuously so we can hide you."
"May I dare to ask into what you will turn me, oh my beloved one?"
"The only place the beast insistently avoids is the bathroom as is easily detected by his greasy hair. Therefore we are going to hide you there."
"Oh yes, let me be your bathing sponge, Harry!"
Another change of scene. King Harry was tucked against the frame, so that he was present, without needing one of Hermione's hands, which were needed for other puppets. For now, the play turned to the final act featuring court magician McGonagall and Crocodile Snape.
"It is all done, your fiancée is well hidden!" With these words the court magician walked towards the corner in which King Harry was leaning.
"And not one single minute too early, for the crocodile is already in the palace", appeared Punch Ron only to disappear again immediately.
"Wawawawawawawawa! I am the horrible Crocodile Snape. And I have come to gorge the most important maiden of this country!"
"Forget it, you greasy git! You'll never get my fiancée", King Harry retorted, leaning against the frame with a bored expression.
"Princess Ginny?" the Crocodile jeered. "Who said that I wanted to gorge Princess Ginny? I always wanted the one who is all the world to me - Minerva McGonagall, your court magician! Wawawawawawawa!" And the crocodile immediately leapt at the grandmotherly court magician and devoured her in one bite.
"And how am I to get back my fiancée?" King Harry asked from his corner.
"Well, my dear children, that is something I might tell you the next time", Hermione ended her play.
"Not bad, Miss Granger, not bad. But my hair is the result of a messed up potion during my first year, and not even Poppy Pomfrey was able to undo the damage done by a certain James Potter!"
Appalled Hermione appeared form behind the puppet theater. "Professor Snape!"
And really, in the middle of the kindergarten-nursery stood the one and only Professor Severus Snape.
"The same! Or should I perhaps say Crocodile Snape?" And with a slight mocking smirk the potions master raised one eyebrow. "I would say, taking in account that we both obviously thought the same while calling this room, I will for once not deduct points from you for this improper representation of my self. But I recommend to do this theater play once more, but this time a little more realistic. So, play it again, Sam!"
Surprised Hermione looked at the professor. He knew her third given name? And he was not going to deduct points but wanted to see the play, a little reversed, once more instead? What did happen to Professor Snape? The same moment an idea struck her. "With pleasure", she answered. "But only if you play the part of the crocodile." And she held out the puppet.
Snape hesitated a little, then he took the glove puppet, waved his wand, and the next moment the crocodile wore the crown of the king.
"And that is supposed to be more realistic?" Somehow Hermione had lost all awe she usually held for the stern professor.
"But Potter as king is realistic?" was the sarcastic remark.
Once again fate commenced in the little world of the puppets. And this time it were the louring scallywags Ex-King Harry and Punch Ron who wanted to kidnap the fair maiden Ginny of Gretel. But by mistake they captured McGonagall, which threw Crocodile Snape into a severe fit of lovesickness. This sight touched the heart of the tender Princess Ginny, who spontaneously fell in love with the crocodile and told Harry that he could stay where the pepper grows1. Why Princess Ginny suddenly had bushy brown hair instead of glossy ginger hair, Hermione could not explain. But she was too much distracted to really pay attention to this detail, and was in great danger of finishing the play early due to wanting to laugh this heartily, because the heartsick crocodile was ever so funny. And when Ex-king Harry declared that he thought Crocodile Snape far more ruttish than Princess Ginny, she couldn't hold back any longer. Rolling on the ground she laughed this hard that in the end she really had some problems to get enough oxygen into her lungs. The lascivious "Grr, stroke my chest-pelt", with which Ex-king Harry now approached the crocodile was completely lost to her.
Snape watched her for a few minutes, then he decided to do something about it. For he did not want his most gifted student to laugh herself to pieces. Something that was said to be possible in the magical world. Resolutely he grabbed the girl, pinned her to the floor and kissed her until her mind started to work again. And then he continued kissing her until her mind stopped working once more, but this time for other reasons…
Fin.
1"To go where the pepper grows" is a direct translation of the German idiom "Dorthin gehen wo der Pfeffer wächst", which means some unfriendly, far away place. (In history it meant that a person who was sent there had to go to South America.)