Love Me, I'm Perfect!
Disclaimer: I am not happy I don't own RK, but AM happy that I don't own 'Sues.
A/N: This is a parody. I am making fun of all the Mary-Sues of the Rurouni Kenshin fandom. I REPEAT, THIS IS A PARODY! This is for fun, not torture (although it may hurt a bit).
WARNING: This fic includes disregard for plotlines, disregard for character, random and meaningless back stories, inconsistencies to the max, no real plot, no semblance of attempt at a plot, more out-of-character-ness than was previously thought to exist, pointless paragraphs of description, and all breeds of Mary-Sue (including, but not limited to, angst!Sue, love me!Sue, perfect!Sue, and kick ass!Sue) rolled into one. Continue at your own risk.
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Kathryn Susanne Isabelle Moonlight Serena Stardaughter Victory Nightingale Song Sakura Rhainn Beatrice Ginaresse-Smith-Saito-Himura-Seijuro-Shinomori the Third (all her friends called her KT-Sue) stood atop the blustery hilltop, her shining golden gently waved knee-length locks lightly swaying in the nearly non-existent breeze. Her sapphire ocean orbs glistened with unshed tears as she tenderly caressed the hilt of her antique katana with perfectly manicured fingers and thought of the past.
She had been forced from her home when her twin brother, Hajime Saito, had learnt that she was having an affair with Himura Battosai of the Ishin Shishi. KT-Sue sighed at the memory of the passionate nights and whispered endearments the love-struck hitokiri had imparted upon her. The fiery redhead had even taken her to meet his master, Hiko, who had helped her to master Hiten Mitsurugi Ryuu even beyond the skills of her lover. It had taken her three days to learn all the secrets, and she yearned for more. She had set out wandering, searching for a purpose to her life. When she returned, Kenshin was with another woman, and she, broken hearted and tears streaming down her alabaster face, found a previous love—Sagara Sanosuke. When they had been young together, he had promised he would never leave her, and yet he did.
More crystal tears fell as she recalled the perfect night she and Sanosuke had spent together. But she had to move on, and returned home. Her brother deeply regretted casting her out, and as an apology, helped her to master his special technique, the gatotsu, to the point where she defeated him. He had smiled happily then and accepted her back into the family. Hajime introduced her to her new half-brother-in-law, who had just married their half-sister Sora. She fell immediately in love with the stony-faced Shinomori Aoshi, and when Sora died of a "mysterious wound", eagerly pounced. He fell in love with her instantly, but she regretted leaving Sanosuke, and carried on a passionate affair with him on the side. KT-Sue could only confide in her younger brother Soujirou, who had been adopted out of the family at a young age, but returned when she did, the depth of his platonic love for her was that great.
Her golden lashes, sticky with tears, swept her ghost-like cheek as her eyes closed to hold back the emotion. Ah, of course she had forgotten her deranged second cousin twice removed, Enishi. Poor Enishi. And he was so handsome, too. Though what any of that had to do with the plot, no one knew.
The moonlight caressed her button nose and perfect pouted lips. Kathryn Susanne Isabelle Moonlight Serena Stardaughter Victory Nightingale Song Sakura Rhainn Beatrice Ginaresse-Smith-Saito-Himura-Seijuro-Shinomori the Third started down the hill, deciding to go back to her abusive husband who hadn't been mentioned previously.
"Darling," Kenshin said gently, taking her perfect hand gently in his, "would you like me to kill the bastard for you?"
"Oh Kenshin!" she simpered. "You would do that for me?"
"I would do anything for you, Kathryn Susanne Moonlight…er, Isabelle Moonlight Seredaught…no, no, Serena Star…is there a Pigeon in there or something?"
"Nightingale," she cut him off rudely, but as she was perfect, it wasn't rude at all. "Anyway, you were saying?"
"I shall kill your abusive husband and marry you!"
"Oh, KENSHIN!" KT-Sue cried happily, throwing her arms around the man who was miraculously taller than her even though she was a perfect 5' 7", illustrating the author's blatant disrespect for canon in one simple action.
Kenshin's eyes immediately swirled with amber fire as he stalked off to the small house nestled in a dark valley, the hot sun causing him to sweat. He stripped off his gi, displaying well-toned muscles, somewhat a la Baywatch. KT-Sue the deadly assassin decided to use this as a test of his abilities.
She was in a powder-blue kimono with silver and pink embroidery covering the sleeves and hems and a cream and gold obi was tied elegantly, setting off her narrow waist perfectly. Her golden hair cascaded about her shoulders like a river of sunlight and her ancient katana was stuck into the obi, looking somewhat out of place in the perfection standing there.
abusive!Aoshi was waiting for Kenshin at the door. "She is mine, Himura! How dare you try to kill me and marry her!"
"I must kill you!" homicidal!Kenshin replied. KT-Sue looked terrified, her French-manicured nails digging into the sky-colored silken fabric of her skirt. "She—" (he pointed) "—Wishes me to!"
A very dramatic battle filled with bad blood imagery ensued. Aoshi stabbed Kenshin and the cranberry juice of life spilled forth from his veins as he slit Aoshi's throat to let loose a scarlet waterfall of passion. Finally, they both lay on the rain-drenched grass in the sunset, red plastic necklaces of blood draped artistically over their bodies. KT-Sue sobbed in pure angst, caressing their faces through the maraschino cherry syrup of sugary (but bloody) yumminess. With her magical powers of love, emerald light coursed from her fingers and brought the two back to life. Tears pouring, they both embraced her tightly and proclaimed their undying love. All three then had a horrifically poorly written orgy with more description than anyone ever wanted.
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A/N: Will KT-Sue meet up with Sanosuke? Will Aoshi have a change of heart? Will Saito wonder how, precisely, Soujiro is related to him? Will KT-Sue totally ruin the characters of even MORE bishounen? All this and more in the next chapter of Love Me, I'm Perfect!
Second A/N: The chances of me continuing this are actually very slim, but if demand is high enough, I'll try to force myself into it. :P