CHAPTER 58

DIFFICULT TO EXPLAIN

Grant had returned to his chair in the console room and was watching the activity in the manipulator room on the scanner.

The Doctor entered and quietly returned his toolbox to its storage locker. He threw a quick glance in his companion's direction, throwing a concerned look over at the apparently sleeping Jason who was lying with his back to him. It crossed his mind that he should at least put on the appearance of good spirits but simply could not manage it. With a resigned sigh, he turned his attention to the control console and began carefully returning all the controls to their proper settings. After several minutes and several circuits around the console, he gave a satisfied grunt. "Yes, that's done it," he said quietly, rubbing his hands together. Looking up, he drew a deep breath, giving his companion a steady look. Before he could say anything, however, Jason said quietly, "I'm awake."

This was so unexpected the Doctor actually jumped. "Do you feel up to talking?"

Jason rolled onto his back, his eyes staring blindly up at the ceiling. "I don't really know if I feel up to anything," he replied truthfully, "but I'm not going to panic."

"That's good." The Doctor started across the room, stopping dead in his tracks when Jason added, "So long as Grant stays."

"What?"

"Grant stays," Jason repeated firmly.

The Doctor closed his eyes, a pained look coming to his face. "Jason, I know you're uneasy—"

"Uneasy! Doctor, you scared the hell out of me! I thought I knew you. But...my God, I don't know you at all anymore."

"It's far more complicated than—"

"I've been getting in your way ever since Florida," Jason went on forcefully. "I'm not the submissive go-along-with-whatever-the-Doctor-says companion anymore. People actually listen to me, and your over-inflated ego just can't take it. I may be blind, but I can still see that!"

"There's no need to be insulting. It has nothing to do with—" The Doctor broke off as Jason's words sank in. "Blind. You couldn't see. You couldn't see! Of course! Your whole sensor array is damaged." He let out a cry of annoyance, striking himself on the forehead. "Now I'm the one who's blind!" He charged around the room, the words tumbling out of him faster and faster. "The allure of all those different timelines the power to choose any one I wanted. The power to avoid—" He broke off, stiffening visibly before going on. "I'm such an idiot! I should've seen it sooner!"

"Seen what?" Jason wanted to know, managing to get a word in edgeways.

"A trap," the Doctor replied succinctly. "A very clever trap. You are not the only one with an inner demon to fight, Jason. And I'm very much afraid that you encountered mine first hand."

"What?" Jason asked bewilderment. "What are you talking about?"

"The temporal corridor was completely fractured, and my timeline got fractured along with it allowing the future—a possible future—to fold into the present. Time, alternate time, and alternate dimensions all coexisting in a jumble. But you couldn't see it. And when you touched me, you unbalanced my time field enough to allow an alternate reality to take over. An alternate version of myself."

"Is that supposed to make me feel better?" Jason snapped. "It wasn't really you?"

"I didn't say that. I'm not very proud of—"

"You pompous bastard!"

"Jason, I am trying to explain! There's no need to be insulting."

"No need to be insulting?" Jason exploded. "You arrogant, egotistical, condescending, thinly veiled tyrant! I am sick to death of stroking your ego! After two hundred years, what thanks do I get? You use my every weakness against me. Ridicule my strengths. You were violent, cruel, and sadistic. And now you expect me to believe that all that bile didn't come from you! Dammit, Doctor, you tried to kill me!"

Grant's mouth dropped open in disbelief. "What?" he gasped in a horrified whisper.

"It's true!" Jason went on forcefully. "Look at me, for pity sake. He attacked me. Didn't even hesitate. Why should he? I can't transmute. I can barely fight back!"

"That has nothing—" the Doctor objected, only to be cut off again.

"Dammit, you enjoyed tormenting me." Correcting himself, Jason's voice lowered in pitch and took on an even sharper accusing edge. "No, you were intoxicated by it. You were like a man possessed. You—" He broke off as is own words suddenly exploded in his mind. He sank back, his unseeing eyes wide. "A man…possessed…" he repeated in a small voice. "Oh my God…"

"That's what I've been trying to tell you," the Doctor cried in exasperation, finally managing to complete a sentence. "I was not me! Here. Now. That is not who I am!"

Jason closed his eyes and hugged himself, suddenly feeling very cold. He drew a deep breath and fought to get himself back under control. "It was you."

"You're sure?"

"Doctor, you've already established that I know your aura in my sleep. Even when you switched places with the Master, I knew who you were."

"Then why did you stop calling me by name?"

Jason opened his mouth to answer, only to stop, a stunned look coming to his face. "I…I… don't know." He closed his eyes and shivered.

"You can only pick up physical characteristics, not personality changes. And with your sensors out of commission, you couldn't tell the difference between me and the alternate version." The Doctor's voice lowered as he added, "That's what he was counting on."

"What who was counting on?"

The Doctor hesitated before replying, "A twisted, evil individual I am trying very hard to avoid. He, on the other hand, is doing everything in his power to steer me in his direction."

"Why?" This was Grant, who was hanging onto the conversation by a thread.

"Because he is a future—far future, thankfully—version of myself. Make that possible version. Somehow he's managed to manifest himself and is trying to take control of my present. He is a twisted, evil—"

"Abomination to nature," Jason said suddenly, his venomous tone causing the Time Lord to stiffen visibly. "You called me an abomination to nature."

"Yes…"

Jason spoke each of the next words in a precise and deliberate manner. "A hideous, grotesque monstrosity."

"Jason…"

"Was that your true feelings coming out through this alternate self?"

"No!" the Doctor snapped.

Jason snorted and turned away. "Then answer me this. If it wasn't you, how do you know what happened? How do you remember events that you claim you weren't a party to?"

"Would you believe me even if I told you?"

The Alterran remained silent, causing the Time Lord to sigh heavily. In an earnest tone he said, "Jason, I can only repeat that I am desperately sorry you had to be on the receiving end of all that."

Jason continued in his silence. He put a hand to his head, struggling to reconcile what he was being told with what he already knew. There was so much! How could he possibly sift through it all? And he was so desperately tired after fighting to—Fighting. He had been angry and fighting back in the console room, but in the temporal corridor he had been so overwhelmed with terror that he could barely fight for his life. Why was it suddenly so easy to get angry again? Try as he might he simply could not get angry while inside the temporal corridor. Had he too slipped into an alternate reality where his volatile temper did not exist?

"Can you accept any of this?" the Doctor said at last. "More importantly, can you forgive me and get past it?"

"I…I… Oh, I don't know," Jason moaned. "I suppose intellectually I can accept what you say. Heaven knows we've seen stranger things."

"And emotionally?"

"Emotionally?" Jason gave a bitter laugh. "Doctor, I'm an emotional train wreck; you said so yourself. I can't get past what happened ten years ago. How am I supposed to get past this?"

The pained look that came to the Doctor's face was so heart-wrenching that Grant almost felt like crying. "That's your decision to make," the Time Lord said at last. "I only ask that you wait until you're stronger before making any final commitments."