You are never thankful for what you have until it is gone. That is what most people say. And they may have a point, but who cares?
Yes, there are things I am thankful for. Without having lost them. My nakama on the Going Merry. I never thought Luffy would survive as a pirate, let alone make it to the Grand Line. Especially with his carefree attitude, who would have thought he would still be alive? But still…he did manage to make me join him.
But what choice did I have? Am I supposed to just die and let her down? Every night I dream that same dream. The night of our 2001st fight. The one duel we used real swords. And of course, I lost. The part that crushes me most is that because she is gone I will never have the chance to beat her or lose to her (which I would not) again.
The dream begins with when I challenged her. When I had found her outside, and to this day I am still unsure what she was doing out there. It then goes to our fight. I have seen it so many times that I can count the number of mistakes I made.
The final part is our promise. The promise that I vow to keep to this day. After our promise everything goes black. The next thing I know I'm inside Sensei's house watching her fall down the stairs…I reach out to catch her but I know there is nothing I can do, it is only dream, saving her there won't bring her back. There is a sickening crack as her body hit the floor. But the last part is always what throws me off.
"This is your fault, Roronoa Zoro!"
It always feels like my heart has been broken in two. When I was pirate hunter people would say I was heartless. They were wrong. And they still are. I've woken up from that dream countless times with tears in my eyes. I know it was not my fault; Kuina's death, but then why does my dream try to make me think so?
And then of course there is Tashigi. She looks so much like Kuina it annoys the damn hell out of me! Her damn attitude, it's all determined, just like Kuina's. She's a cloned copycat! And the part that is most disturbing is that she can't beat me. It's not that I want to be beat, but Kuina, she was capable of it.
No matter how many times I tell myself that Tashigi and Kuina are two totally different people, my heart won't accept it. They're just so much alike. Why must I be tormented? Was I not tortured enough with Kuina's death?
The death of my best friend. And now her look-alike is trying to kill me. Is the dream trying to tell me something? Is Kuina reborn in Tashigi and trying to take revenge?
Either way, I have to stay strong.
For my nakama.
For my captain.
For the promise I made.
Shawna