"So where is this evil doer?" Virto said, trailing behind Lao as they snuck around a dimly-lit colonial home. It was the 2nd night of my arbitrary week of adventure, and early enough in the morning for the owls and the mages to be asleep. Nothing moved in the darkness of dawn other than them, their shadows moving against the creaky floorboards as moonlight poured in through damaged windows and torn curtains. Candlelight was sparse, but any more than that, and it could find them…
"I don't know Virto, but we can use cooler names than an 'evil doer,' Lao said, peeking around a corner with his revolver raised. He heard snoring, loud snoring that sounded more like a lawnmower gasping for gasoline than a normal snooze. He motioned to turn towards that direction, Virto nodding silently and forming a nano-gun in his hands.
"Like I said, I am a professional in bounty hunting, and we upper echelons have standards," he explained as they crept towards the snoring. "Evildoer sounds like we are Spiderman hunting some bank robber on a Saturday morning cartoon."
"I wouldn't mind that actually," Virto said, bumping into something on the ground. They stepped out of its way to allow the moon to shine onto it, seeing an assortment of bones floating around in a bunch of green-purple-ish goop. "It seems a lot less deadly than whatever has been eating all these people."
"Its last mistake will be trying to eat us," Lao proclaimed, slowly opening the cylinder of his revolver. It was his third check, but he had to absolutely make sure every single bullet in his gun, and subsequent loader, was primed with holy bullets. "When we reach the room, take my sword and-"
RAAAAIIIIIIIIII!
"Oh my glob," Virto whispered. "That's the monster! We should go to that one first."
"Are you crazy?" Lao asked back. "We hide, that's what we do."
"But we can kill that thing!"
"Yes, I know we can!" Lao whisper-shouted back. "But I ain't being another character that dies first in the movie. We kill the small thing first, then we figure out whatever that thing was." Lao hurried into the room of the snoring.
"But- wait up!" Virto followed, closing the door behind them. He saw Lao standing fully up now, seeing the rise and fall of the blanket on the bed. Virto immediately raised the gun at it, going by Lao's side.
"That is one, fast change of target," Lao remarked.
"Your word, I just really want to um, go to the monster now," Virto said.
"You're right," Lao said, cocking his weapon. "I really am pissed at whoever just kidnapped us in our sleep. Like, I wanna shot the…..you know."
"What?"
"You know, I just wanna shoot that- ah...I wanna shoot him," Lao said, nodding to Virto. "You know, just….you, yeah you know."
"Oh, you wanna shoot that n-"
"No no no," Lao said, watching Virto closely. "I wanna shoot that bitch."
"Yeah, yeah! They do seem like a bitch," Virto said, seeming as jumpy as a lion that had spotted an oasis of zebras. Lao nodded to himself, before slowly turning his weapon onto the scientist himself. "Crazy thing is...that you are the bitch in question, Virto."
"W-what you doing!?" Virto said.
"You think I don't know? You're not my friend! You've been acting weird all this time," Lao said, not bothering to whisper anymore. "I knew you were trying to lead me somewhere this entire time right? Well I just needed to do the opposite, and now I know for real."
"T-that's crazy! I would never- you have the wrong- what are you even- wow, this is just..ridicule- DIE!" Doppelgänger Virto aimed, but Lao had already shot him by the time he started raising the gun. Slime spilled out of the wound; Virto fell on his bum and scooted back into a wall. He started deforming, turning back into a Mindflayer that clutched her holy wound. "How...how did you know?" She asked with a pained hiss.
"My friend barely curses, and is white, dumbass." Lao went to the side of the bed, yanking the bed off to see Virto encased in the same carnivorous goop from earlier. That "breathing" was the slime pulsing, trying to feed off his body. His clothing was melted, leaving his petite form floating naked in the hungry slime. "Bingo. Now for the most important part." Lao took out a tape measure, holding it carefully over his friend's slime-encased genitals.
"What, what are you doing?" The Mindflayer asked, still slowly dying. "Aren't you going to free your friend now? You bested me."
"Oh I will, but I wanna see how big his dick is first," Lao said, reading the tape. "A few April fools ago, he got my size from Leana and stuffed a letter in her locker. Let's see…Four and a half inches, Nothing too bad, but can still be made fun of."
"Your friend is being digested by a smile monster and your priorities lie in making fun of genitalia?" The Mindflayer was astonished, slumping back in her seat against the wall. "No wonder I couldn't trick you, you sound like a terrible friend."
"Says the Mindflayer who eats travelers alive."
"Heartless monsters have standards! Cough cough." She coughed up a ball of slime from her stomach, watching it slowly melt through the wooden floor it landed on. "Well then...bounty hunter, if you may put me out of my misery..."
"Fine, I'll get the sword and break my friend out." Lao rolled his eyes, tossing aside the tape and carving out a hole for him to pull Virto out of. "I can't just catch a break, can't I?"