2 and ½ weeks

I don't know

Summary: As opposed to 9 and ½ weeks lol! Sandy, Kirsten, Berkeley, fight, break-up, something's wrong.

Disclaimer: I don't own the OC. But I do own a chocolate rabbit and a chocolate hen! Yay for Easter!

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Dark chapter – suicidal thoughts and excessive amounts of vodka and sleeping pills. You have been warned.
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I don't know what I'm doing anymore, Kirsten thought to herself. I'm slowly going crazy.

I don't know who I am. Don't know if I care.

She rolled the phial of pills between her fingers. Meds were always easy to get in Newport, straight cash; no questions asked. There was a roaring trade from the Mexico border.

She glanced up at the large bottles of vodka on her nightstand, one already empty. Alcohol was too, she reflected. Newport must have the largest percentage of alcoholics per square mile of anywhere in the US.

And it looked like she was going to join the ranks; she'd drunk more this past week than she had the entire semester. Quite a feat for a college freshman.

But now it didn't seem to be working so well, it took a long time for the liquor to numb her feelings like it used to; she needed twice as much now. And to be honest she just wanted to sleep well for one night and not have an incredible hangover in the morning. Hence the pills.

Or so she told herself as she tossed two back with yet another shot of vodka.

She didn't really want to die did she?

The fact she had to ask herself scared her. Suicide had never really appealed to her before; Newport wasn't exactly big on that kind of thing. But she had to admit that the idea of not waking up to this mess was pretty tempting.

Another shot. Another pair of pills.

It would be easier. So much easier. And she'd never even know it.

Unless of course someone found her, took her to hospital, got her stomach pumped. Kirsten grimaced at the idea and took the next shot minus the pills.

Dying wouldn't change things, she reasoned. Her family would be sorry but they'd get over it. Her mom would probably become a fully fledged alcoholic but who wasn't? Hailey was already well on the way to going off the rails and her dad…well. He'd probably just use it as an example against the public UC system.

Jimmy might feel guilty but of course he'd think it was his fault. Make everything about him as per usual.

Her family and friends and neighbours would all come to the funeral, say things about her, say it was a shame, talk like they knew her when they didn't.

None of them knew a damn thing about her. None of them would know why.

The only person who really knew her was Sandy and even he didn't know why she wanted to do this.

God, she wanted to do this?

With a shaking hand she skipped the glass and swigged from the bottle, contemplating tossing back the pills as well.

No, no. She couldn't. That was the easy way out. She'd done this; she had to live with it. It was her punishment.

Angry tears splashing down her face Kirsten stumbled towards the bathroom and tipped the contents of the canister down the toilet.

No one knew her.

No one cared.

But she wouldn't give anyone the satisfaction of her dying, and certainly not herself. She watched the brightly coloured pills swirl in the water as she flushed.

So she wasn't going to die, she was going to suffer. But that didn't mean she couldn't help herself through it.

Back in her room, lights off, curtains drawn, Kirsten lay on her bed and drowned her sorrows in vodka, her salty tears mingling with the strong alcohol. It became perfectly clear in her hazy mind why she hadn't taken all the pills. She didn't want to sleep. She wanted to wake up from this nightmare. Not sleep, wake up. Even as she drifted into a heavy sleep she knew she just wanted to wake up.

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I always said there were a lot of Marissa-Kirsten mirrors, why not add another? Except of course Kirsten is vastly superior to Marissa but you know, she hasn't annoyed me lately!

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