2 and ½ weeks

Better

Summary: As opposed to 9 and ½ weeks lol! Sandy, Kirsten, Berkeley, fight, break-up, something's wrong.

Disclaimer: I wouldn't be here if I did.

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And here we are. It's been a wonderful ride. Love you all my precious reviewers!

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Better. Better?

'I thought it would be better this way.'

He couldn't believe his wife had said that.

Scratch that, he couldn't believe what she'd said full stop. The secret she had just told him. After twenty years.

'How could it possibly be better this way? You lied to me.'

'Sandy,' she pleaded but her husband wasn't listening.

'Two weeks,' he growled. 'Two weeks!'

He couldn't believe this

'We were only broken up for two weeks.'

'Seventeen days,'

The longest days of her life

'We're not arguing over the technicalities, it's still an incredibly short time to make such a giant decision. Two weeks. And we weren't even properly broken up.'

'I know, I...'

'We were just not talking.'

'I know Sandy, I know…I just didn't know what to do.'

'Talking to me would have been a start.'

'Come on, you would have flipped. We fell out over nothing remember. We weren't talking, didn't see each other. It felt like being broken up.'

'You were the one who wouldn't take my calls.'

He remembered the endless phone calls, the sound of the dial tone when she hung up on him. Again.

'I didn't know what to say.'

It wasn't a defence but it didn't matter.

'Something. Anything.'

Kirsten sighed. 'I couldn't.'

'Why not?'

'Because you would have wanted to keep it and I couldn't. We couldn't. I was eighteen Sandy, still living in a dorm. You were in Law School on a scholarship, living in a mail truck! Not exactly the best place to bring up a child.'

She has a point, his conscious told him, but Sandy didn't want to listen.

'We could have figured it out, together. But no, you had to shut me out. Is that when it all started?'

'What started?'

'You, shutting me out when something unexpected happens or something goes wrong.'

She couldn't answer that, it was true; she'd done it again and again over the years, shutting Sandy out and forcing him to break down the walls time and time again.

He'd become silent, staring at her, his blue eyes piercing, angry.

'I had no one Sandy,' she said falteringly hoping she could make him understand, stop him hating her.

His response was bitter. 'You could have had me.'

''Please believe me when I say there wasn't anyone I could talk to. I'm sorry but I couldn't talk to you ok? I didn't know how things were going to turn out. I'd known you what, two months? Less than that.'

'And those six weeks hadn't meant anything to you?'

'That isn't true Sandy, you know what I mean.'

'Do I? I'm not so sure.'

'How was I supposed to know we'd figure everything out, that we'd be here today? I never thought I'd be telling you this.'

'Obviously.'

'Sandy, I never wanted it to be like this. But once we were back together I couldn't face telling you. I knew you'd hate me. I didn't want to risk that.'

'Just like you didn't want to risk me knowing about our child.'

'I know you think it was heartless and cruel, that you don't understand how I could but don't think I didn't suffer for it.'

'Suffered did you?'

'Please Sandy. This isn't easy.'

'Well it isn't easy to hear either. I don't suppose it's ever easy to hear your wife has kept a secret from you for the past twenty years, that she aborted your baby without you even knowing. That she lied.'

'I didn't lie. I just…didn't tell you.'

'You took a life.'

'It was my life too Sandy.'

'And mine. Mine and yours and you killed it.'

'It was my life, my body. I had every right to do it.'

'Don't talk to me about rights Kirsten. What about the rights of that baby?'

'Don't act as if I did it on a whim Sandy. Don't pretend I didn't think twice, didn't care. Because I did. I still do ok? You know how much it hurt? You know how much I cried? How awful I felt? No, you don't. So don't you judge me.'

'I wasn't…'

'Yes you are Sandy. You know, I hated myself for a long time, years even. I cried every day for a week. I cried myself sick. I didn't sleep, eat, I was like a zombie. You know all that. And I deserved it. I almost lost you, only didn't because you were too damn stubborn.'

'I didn't know what was wrong.'

'So you're saying if I'd told you we wouldn't be here today?'

'I…how can I answer that Kirsten?'

'I don't suppose you can.'

'Why did you do it if it hurt so much?'

'I didn't know it was gonna be that bad. I felt guilty in a thousand different ways. For doing it, for not telling anyone, for lying to you, for keeping it a secret, for being happy, smiling, laughing ever again. It was driving me crazy. Remember those pills? The four bottles of vodka? I knew I had to stop. So I let go. I'll always feel guilty, I'll always be sorry, but I don't regret it.'

'You don't?'

'No. Regretting things makes it harder. It just guilt I still have.'

'What's the difference?'

'I can live with the guilt.'

'You mean you can justify yourself.'

'I mean there was no way things could have worked out. There's not point regretting something that would have been a disaster. What I did is always with me. It always will be. It's not as if as soon as it was over I picked myself up and carried on. I didn't just slip back into life with you although it seems like it. It took years to not cry when I thought about it and even now that's not always true.'

'Kirsten, I…'

'Don't Sandy, just let me finish.'

'I like to think it's one of those choices we make and it maps out what happens next, shapes the future. And that means Seth and Ryan. They're my saving grace. I probably don't deserve them, or you but I won't look at you all and feel regret, guilt yes but I can't let it destroy me.'

Kirsten hesitated. She didn't have anything left to say.

'We can't let this destroy us either, Sandy.'

He didn't answer, staring past her, his vibrant blue eyes glassy and unfathomable.

'Sandy?' She could hear the tremble in her voice and knew he did to because his hand found hers and squeezed it.

'No,' he told her, pausing to swallow the lump from his throat. When he spoke again his voice was more like his own, if a little gravelly. 'No. It won't. We won't let it…I just, need a little time to...to get my head round this.'

'I'm sorry.'

'Don't Kirsten, don't apologise. What's done is done. You had your reasons; valid ones and I've got to come to terms with them. It's not that I don't understand I…I guess I'm sorry myself. Sorry that you didn't tell me, that you went through it alone, that you kept it secret this long…'

'It's not your fault.'

'But…'

'I'm okay Sandy.' Kirsten gently caressed the side of his face, 'It was a long time ago…'

'Doesn't mean you've forgotten.'

'No, impossible.'

'But you're okay?'

'I'm okay. Are we okay?'

'We're better than that. Even right now we're better than okay. We're always better than that.'

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And that's it. Aw I feel sad.
My plans at present are to work the fic Finale/Blowin' in the Wind. To register you vote for what you want next visit my LJ (I'm ansyUNDERSCORE LINEpansy - stupid won't put the line in. It's not the dash, it's the low dash!) and read the ridiculously long list of fics there. You've been FANTASTIC readers and reviewers. It was worth staying up till 4.30 to write this!

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