DISCLAIMER: I don't own angel characters or the song "Here I stand" by MADINA LAKE.
"Wes? You in there?" Gunn asked as he knocked on Wesley's door.
my hands shake
"No." Wesley said grumpily.
cuz today i know you're gonna break my heart
"That's too bad, Angel wants to talk to you…..it's about Conner." Before he could finish the door had flung open and Wesley was half way to Angel's office. Wesley jumped the last couple steps and burst through the office door.
and my life without you in it is a life not worth living.
"What happened?" Wesley asked breathlessly. Angel looked up.
"I have an idea one how you can visit Conner." The mortal's face lit up. "If you dress up like a woman…. then you could pretend to be his mother…. and then there you go." Wesley was shocked. He had never expected Angel to think something up like this.
"I have a question, Angel."
i'll be strong but i wish i was someone else,
"Yeah?"
"How come you're so understanding about Conner and I being in love?"
Angel took a deep breath, "I don't really mind who Conner loves as long as it doesn't end up destroying the world. As for you, well both of you…. I've been around for what? 200-some years? I've seen a lot so I'm not really bothered by this." The vampire concluded. Wesley nodded and turned to leave. "Oh and Wes?"
anyone but me tonight
"Yeah?"
"I'll let you drive over. The whole sunlight thing…you know?"
here i stand all alone tonight and i wish i was strong enough to breathe
without you in my life,
"Ok" Wesley walked back into the lobby.
i wish i was anyone but me.
so ill start to pretend im ok
"Good morning, Conner. Did you sleep well?" Conner looked over at the nurse who was disgusting happy. 'How can she be so happy when she works in a place of such suffering?'
but you should know by now
that my life is smoke and mirrors,
"Fine." Conner answered.
"Great. Well, can I get you anything before Group?" She asked.
"Group?" Conner was confused.
"Group Therapy" the nurse said.
the one thing is crystal clear
that i'm the one wishing i was someone else,
"I'm not crazy you know."
"I know that but talking about your feelings helps you feel better."
"Cutting makes me feel better." Conner lied.
"That isn't healthy though."
"Why do you care? Why do you care about me? A moody suicidal teen?"
And there's a piece of me in every single
"I like to help people. Conner you know there are people who feel the same way you do. Let's go. You should meet them."
anyone but me tonight
The nurse took Conner's hand and walked him down the hall to a large room, with a table a few couches, a ping pong table, overstuffed easy chairs, and of course the infamous folding metal chairs. There were already kids in there, about five girls and three boys not including Conner. Conner warily walked in. He felt so vulnerable. He walked over to an empty chair on the other side of the room. He sat away from everyone.
here i stand all alone tonight and i wish i was strong enough to breathe
without you in my life,
"Ok everyone, this is Conner. Introduce yourselves until the doctor gets here." The nurse left. Conner looked around he guessed they were all between the ages of 14 and 17. He didn't say anything. He didn't want to. After few minutes of that torturous silence one of the girls walked over, she was about 15.
i wish i was anyone but me.
"Hi Conner. My name is Aja." Conner looked into her eyes.
He missed his Wesley. He smelled no fear on her. He answered.
(where do we go)
"Nice to meet you."
"Same. I was just breaking the ice. I didn't know what to say. I was really nervous to get up and walk over here." She pushed a strand of red hair out of her face and sat down.
"You know? Sometimes when you're nervous it means you are supposed to do it." Conner said. He looked down at his arm.
(where do we go)
"Who's Wesley?" Aja asked. Conner saw she was looking at his exposed arm.
"No one…he is..." He started
"Conner this is a safe place. Nothing leaves this room. Now, who is Wesley?" She asked again.
inside i start to fall apart.
"The love of my life. The reason I started cutting. And I can't see him since I'm here." Conner started to cry. It felt his heart had just been ripped out.
and i'll pretend im holding on
"Conner I know how you feel. I'm here because my boyfriend, he raped me. I thought he loved me but one night he just forced me into his car and it happened. I never told anyone until you. My mother doesn't even know. I was put here because I was trying to hang myself." She finished.
i guess ill bleed in silence
Conner looked up into her hazel eyes, he spoke, "Why did you just tell me that? I'm the first person you've told? You don't know if your secret will be let out or…"
She cut him off, "Sometimes there are things about you that you can only tell a stranger."
Just then the doctor walked in. "Hey. Let's get started. Circle up."
i have to bleed in silence
The doctor was about 29 maybe. He had black hair cut to at his ear lobes, just barely covering the gauges in his ears and a part in the front was blue. Conner gasped. He felt the hair on the back of his neck stand straight up when he saw part of a tattoo on the doctor's right arm, it looked like a circle with a crack straight through the left side. This man was amazing. 'No, don't think about him. Your heart and loyalty lies with Wesley.'
here i stand all alone tonight and i wish i was strong enough to breathe
without you in my life,
Everyone grabbed the evil folding chairs and pulled them over toward the couch. Aja sat down next to Conner. She wanted him to feel welcome. She whispered to Conner, "That's Dr. Rumelle. We just call him Marc." Conner didn't hear any of what she was saying, he was to busy staring into Marc's beautiful green eyes.
i wish i was anyone but me
After everyone was in the circle he said, "Ok. Well I see have another patient here. Conner is it?" Conner blushed and nodded, "Great, so Conner why don't you tell us a little about yourself. Don't worry this is a safe place"
here i stand all alone tonight and i wish i was strong enough to breathe
without you in my life,
Conner looked down, he could feel all their eyes on him. He gulped, "I'm Conner, obviously, I'm seventeen, I work with my father's investigation firm and…and…yeah."
i wish i was anyone but me
"Thank you Conner. Well. Who would like to tell us about how the past couple days were?" Kids got up and spoke. He found out that their parents abused some of them and other's blamed them selves form their parents' divorce. Conner thought what he would say when it got to him. Thankfully the session ended before it did. But Marc came up to him after and sat him down.
here i stand all alone tonight and i wish i was strong enough to breathe
without you in my life,
"Why are you here Conner?" Marc asked him looking right in the eyes.
"I'm a cutter."
"Why do you cut?"
i wish i was anyone but me
"I didn't think the love of my life would love me."
"Are you sure this person wouldn't love you?"
"I know he does. He told me. He's the one who took me here." Conner just realized what he had said.
"Conner what does it say on your arm there?" Marc gestured
here i stand all alone tonight and i wish i was strong enough to breathe
without you in my life,
"Wesley." Conner didn't falter. He kind have wanted Marc to know.
"What's Wesley like?" Marc asked sincerely.
i wish i was anyone but me
Conner looked at him, his eyes not leaving Marc's.
here i stand all alone tonight and i wish i was strong enough to breathe
without you in my life,
"Amazing." Conner said, "He's known my father for years. There were friends before I was born."
i wish i was anyone but me
Conner started talking about how much he had always loved Wesley. He also talked about how much he missed him and the rest of the gang.
i wish i was anyone but me
"Well. Wesley must be very lucky to have someone like you love him." Marc said as he got up to leave. Conner looked at him, Marc winked. Conner felt his heart flutter.
A/N: UH OH! what is this? stay tuned