Disclaimer: Sadly, still not mine. Farscape is still property of the fine folks at Henson Ent.
A/N: Thanks to notasebacean for providing a beta read before I posted. :) This was written in response to a challenge to show a character or race's spirituality. I decided to see how it may have played a role in who Bialar Crais is.
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The Peacekeepers don't believe in religion. There are no gods, no controlling forces, no fate, only the chain of command. Those of us who were recruited generally had a harder time conforming to the Peacekeeper way than those born to service. Some recruits were lucky enough to come from homeworlds that had no religion, and they assimilated more quickly. Though I have never understood how that might be possible. There must be something to maintain order, and religion can do this.
Tauvo and I were not that fortunate.
For years we believed in the Spirit Mother, asked her for help keeping us safe and together. The fact that we did remain together for our first few cycles allowed us to keep our beliefs longer than most. Many of the others had abandoned their religions rather quickly. They believed their predicament was a punishment by their Higher Power and saw the lack of salvation as proof that they had been abandoned and similarly abandoned their gods.
Tauvo and I would meet late at night, when everyone else was asleep, and conduct our prayers. It was a simple ritual, but it kept us close, and I believe it gave us strength that the others did not have.
Over the years, I found that I didn't have time to think much about the Spirit Mother. I devoted myself to being the best Peacekeeper I could, and that left little time for anything else. When Tauvo was selected for Prowler training, there was no further reason for me to think of her. For several cycles, she had merely been a way to connect with my brother, but he was assigned to a different ship. Our paths crossed several times over the intervening cycles, but never for any great length of time.
That all changed when I was granted command of a carrier. Once a respectable amount of time had passed, I arranged for him to be transferred to Icarion Company. He was due for a promotion, and I did not believe the current company commander was competent. As he had received impeccable evaluations, no one questioned my request. I doubt they realized he was my brother. Crais is not an entirely uncommon name.
After he had been onboard a month, he brought up something I had not thought of for many cycles. It was late and we had been drinking Raslak, but neither of us was drunk…
I"Bialar, have you thought about the Spirit Mother lately?"
The question is so unexpected that I do not answer immediately. "Not for many cycles. Why do you ask?"
"I think she is still looking out for us. I pray to her as often as I can, though it has been hard keeping that secret."
I cannot understand why he would still be doing this, so I say nothing.
"I believe that it is she has brought us together again. We have both succeeded and survived while many of the others in our recruit class were lost long ago. There has to be a reason for our surviving this long. And our success. After all, no other conscript has ever commanded a carrier."
I try not to get upset with him; he is my brother, and I love him, but I cannot believe he would claim that my…our success is due to anything other than hard work. "That is an interesting theory."
He smiles weakly. "But one you do not believe. It's all right, brother. I understand you not sharing my belief. I have found a few others over the cycles. I find it gives me strength…"
I interrupt, "You have shared that you still believe in the Spirit Mother with others?" I had not known this. If I had, I would not have arranged for his transfer.
"Don't worry. I am always careful. It has only been a handful of people over the years, and we have never formed any sort of group or gotten together. I would never do anything to endanger myself."
"And now?"
"You know I would never do anything to embarrass you. No one will know about my beliefs, other than you. I think you would benefit from embracing those beliefs again, though. They might even help you manage your stress."
"I don't suffer from stress," I snap.
Tauvo chuckled. "Of course not. Consider it. I can help you if you change your mind. It can be like old times."
I push away those memories of old times. Yes, they were happy times, but they were filled with the ignorance of youth. Then we couldn't understand how someone could live without religion. But long ago, I decided that the Peacekeepers are correct. There is no substance to religion. It is a foolish superstition instituted to control the masses. A part of me wants to shake Tauvo and point this out to him, but I love him too much. I have waited so long to have him back in my life, I will not push him away; not after all we have both been through. Instead, I will strive to show him that my way is better…/I
Now, I sit in a cell, imprisoned by those whom I had once incarcerated. Pa'u Zhaan rediscovered religion while a prisoner. Ka D'Argo reconsidered his life. I begin to realize that perhaps Tauvo had been right. Had I listened to him, would things have turned out differently?
I now realize that the stress I was under had clouded my judgment. When Tauvo died, I was not able to see the facts clearly. I knew he was a good pilot and that he would not have made such a stupid mistake, one lethal enough to have killed him. No, he must have been murdered. And I was sure it was the pilot of that white craft who was responsible.
I realize now that belief was wrong. Crichton did not murder my brother. It was an accident. Tauvo was moving too fast, and Crichton had appeared out of nowhere. As I embrace the tenets of the Spirit Mother, I will let go of my anger, let go of what he Peacekeepers taught me. I have a greater calling than to be a mindless warrior, blindly following orders, striving for personal glory. After all these cycles, I return to my roots and find that the Peacekeepers were wrong.
A cell is the perfect place for reconsidering one's life. The Spirit Mother will be my salvation. I will find once again the path which she has laid before me.