Chapter 9

BPOV

I was hoping it was late enough that I could sneak in and James wouldn't notice. I just wanted to slip into the bed, curl up, and fall asleep without waking him.

I didn't want to think about the conversation we needed to have. And I really didn't want to think about the one I'd have with Edward tomorrow. As I slipped the key into the lock and turned, all I really wanted was silence and time with my own thoughts. I took a moment, leaning my head against the door, once again hoping James was asleep, or maybe that he'd even gone out with friends for the night.

But of course I had no such luck. It was well past midnight, and once I opened the door, I was met with James looking toward me from the couch.

"Hey." His voice was tired, which made it apparent he'd waited up for me.

"Hey, you're still up." I slipped off my shoes and dropped my keys onto the end table.

"Yeah." He cleared his throat. "I didn't expect you to be home late."

"Sorry," I murmured. "It's not often I go to my parents' house. I'm always stuck here in the city."

"We could do that, you know? There's no reason we can't spend more time with Renee and Charlie. I know that—"

"James—"

"Bella." He stood from his seat, making his way over to me. "Please, don't do this. I love you. Do you need time? Is that it?"

I shook my head. "I don't need time," I whispered. "You're amazing. You treat me so well, you spoil me, but we're just not meant to be together. And I'm so sorry that I let you think otherwise, that I let myself think otherwise. I'm sorry that you uprooted yourself and moved in here. Fuck, I'm just sorry, James. But everything I said on Friday…it's all still true."

He had tears in his eyes. "I guess I knew a weekend away wasn't really going to change anything, but I had to keep some hope. I—I really love you, Bella. I wish it was enough for you, I wish I was enough for you." He scooped his keys off the table, moving toward the door.

"Where are you going?"

He shrugged. "To my sister's. We talked for a while after you left. She's cool with me staying there for a bit until I can find a new place. I'll have my stuff out of here by the end of the week."

With that, he turned and walked out the door, shutting it quietly behind him.

I felt like I was supposed to feel more. As if I should be a crying mess as I watched him walk away, but I wasn't. Sure, I was sad. I didn't like the idea of hurting someone I cared about. But if anything, I felt free with the weight of lying to him and to myself finally being lifted.

From here on out I could concentrate on my future and whatever that looked like. Would that future include Edward? I wasn't sure, but I guess I'd know more after our conversation tomorrow.

—SB—

My leg bounced nervously as I stared at the clock on the wall. There was just a half hour left of my workday and then I'd be on my way to meet up with Edward.

Countless times during the day I'd written, deleted, rewritten, and then once again deleted texts to him, backing out. But I knew it wouldn't do me any good.

If I didn't, all I would do was wonder "what if".

"Hey, Bella." Angela stopped at my desk, taking a seat on the edge.

"Oh, hey, Ang." I looked up at her sheepishly.

She leaned in, whispering. "Were you ever going to tell me about you and James? Ben told me this morning." She pulled back, looking me over as if she expected me to burst into tears.

Apparently, word traveled fast, but I guess it was to be expected when James and Ben were best friends. "Um, I mean, it just happened last night, and there really wasn't a good time to bring it up."

She nodded. "Well, it's like I told you before, you're still one of my best friends, okay?" She patted me on the hand.

"Yeah, of course, Ang." But I didn't feel like she was being truthful. It was as if she was repeating lines she knew she was supposed to say.

I glanced up at the clock. It was five thirty. "Well, I'm out of here." I stood from my seat, gathering my things. "I'll see you tomorrow, okay?"

"Yup, have a good night." She smiled.

"Yeah, you too," I called back as I rushed out the door.

—SB—

I took a deep breath, standing outside of the cafe. I'd already peeked in the window, so I knew he was there, but I couldn't convince myself to open the door.

So, instead, I reached into my purse and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. I didn't smoke as often as I used to, but sometimes in a tough situation, nothing else would do.

I shook one out, lighting it, putting it to my lips, and taking a deep pull before pushing the smoke out of my lungs. Already I could feel it racing through my system, comforting me. As I took another drag, I turned to face the window, finding Edward's eyes trained on me.

I dropped the cigarette onto the sidewalk, stomping it out. Squaring my shoulders, I pulled open the door and walked inside.

As I made my way over to the table, he stood from his seat. "Hey." His voice was raspy, as if it was the first time he'd spoken that day.

"Hey." I already could feel the telltale lump forming in my throat as I looked at him.

He pulled out my chair for me, and I sat. He took his seat across from me once again. We sat there for what felt like an eternity, staring at each other, but neither of us found the words we were looking for.

He fidgeted in his spot. "Can I, um, can I get you anything?"

"I'm good."

And the silence returned.

"Bella—"

"Why now, Edward? It's been two years since you've spoken to me, so why now? You broke my heart. You paraded girls in front of me after I told you I was in love with you. Do you know how much that killed me? If nothing else, I thought we were friends. Friends aren't supposed to do shit like that."

He reached behind him, rubbing the back of his neck. "I guess I always had hope I'd find my balls and eventually tell you how I felt. And then I found out you're engaged and I knew I was running out of time. Now or never, you know? I couldn't live with never. As for how I treated you, there's really no excuse, but I did it, well, I think I did it, hoping you'd figure out you didn't love me. Even though I loved—love—you. I'm not…I'm not good for you, Bella. I never was, but I'm selfish."

"Didn't I deserve the chance to say who or what was good for me? You were everything to me. You were the only person I ever felt like I could be myself with. Even when you never gave me all of you, I still felt safe with you."

"I hate talking in past tense."

"Well, all I have right now is the past. All I have is the hurt you left me with."

He raked his hand through his hair, letting out a rough breath. "There are things about me, things from my past that make it hard for me to trust people. I pushed you away because I was scared."

"Scared of what?"

"Scared if you loved me, you'd eventually see me for what I really am—a damaged, broken man."

"Do you really think I couldn't tell that already?" I snapped.

His gaze dropped to his hands on the table while his shoulders slumped forward slightly. He seemed utterly defeated in the moment. I had gone too far. I'd never seen him so close to crying.

"That's what I was afraid of," he whispered. "That it's written as clearly on me as this ink is on my skin."

I ran my hands over my face. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be so harsh."

He shook his head. "It's nothing I don't deserve, Bella. You gave me your heart, and I stomped on it. Scared or not, it wasn't what I should have done. And if I could go back, if I could have a second chance…"

"Look, I don't know what I can give you, Edward. I don't know if I can give you more than friendship. I don't even know if I can give you that."

"Whatever you're willing to give me, I'll take it. I don't care how you're in my life as long as you're there."

Once again, I prayed I was making the right choice.

How do you feel this conversation went? He's trying to be as honest as he can and tell her everything on his terms and his timeline.

Also, there is an outtake in my Facebook group, 'Stories by MissLiss15' of the conversation of Edward telling Bella that he can't love her. It will be posted here once this story is complete. But if you can't wait until then, head on over to the group!