Chapter 13
EPOV
I stared at her as we stopped in the middle of the sidewalk. "Where's your ring?" My voice was stilted as I spoke.
She wiggled her fingers free from my grasp. "James has it."
"Why?"
"Because we're not engaged anymore, so it doesn't belong to me." She turned from me, not meeting my gaze.
Bella moved to walk off, but I reached out, grasping her arm. She wrenched herself out of my hold, causing a few passersby to stare. "What do you mean you're not engaged anymore? Did you plan to ever tell me?"
The heat that rose in her eyes caused me to take a step back. "Honesty, right?" she ground out. "I said nothing because I don't owe you that part of me, not yet."
"If you don't want me to have that part of you, then why the fuck did you hold my hand?"
"Because I'm trying!" she shouted. "I'm trying to trust you and to see how I feel. I've had my damn heart shattered by you. But here I am." She opened her arms wide. "Because my world is so damn colorless without you in it. But that doesn't mean I owe you a fucking thing right now, or ever. When you showed up at my apartment, you asked for all these pieces of me, to know me, but what the fuck have you ever given me?"
"More than you know!" I yelled back.
"The fuck you have." She glared. "All you ever gave me were these small pieces of you. Just enough to make it seem like I knew you. Just enough personal details or little quirks about you to know part of your heart. Enough to make me love you, but still keep me at arm's length."
I grabbed my forearm, highlighting one of my tattoos. "My grandma, you know who knows about her? You and Esme. I guess Carlisle, but I never told him. You know who's ever seen my actual sketch book? You. No one else but me and you. But what did you ever give me, Bella? Huh? What part of you do I know no one knows?"
She took a step back, her eyes filling with tears. "There's nothing to know."
My brow furrowed. "What does that even mean?"
She swallowed thickly. "It means there's nothing to me. There's nothing I'm passionate about, there's no skeletons in my closet. Unless you count losing my virginity in the back of a van. I'm…there's nothing to me, there's nothing to tell."
I stared at her, my eyes searching hers. "Baby," I whispered, taking a step closer. "That's not…that's not true."
She raised her hands in front of her. "Stop, Edward."
Typically, I'd back off. I believed in giving people the space they requested and the right to do with their body that they saw fit. But the hurt in her eyes, and the way her body leaned toward me as I took another step, told me otherwise.
I moved us toward the entryway of an alley, at least giving us the illusion of privacy before wrapping my arms around her. I held her tight to me. "There's so much to you," I whispered against her hair. "There's so much light in you." And from how much darkness had encompassed me my whole life, I knew a bright light when I saw one.
There, wrapped up in my arms, was a girl who, in her own way, was so broken. She had the perfect life, parents who loved her, and gave her every tool and opportunity to use to thrive. Despite that, she was empty. I assumed she felt like a square peg trying to be put in a round hole, like she just didn't fit.
As she looked up at me, my heart filled with so much love, but simultaneously broke into a million pieces. Her beautiful hazel eyes were filled to the brim with tears, her cheeks stained from the ones that had already fallen.
"I feel like…"
I cupped her face between my palms. "What, baby?"
She squeezed her eyes shut at my words. "I feel like I've loved you for a thousand years, but I've never really known you. I'm so confused."
"I want—" I paused, swallowed around the lump in my throat. "I want you to know me, but it's going to take time. I can't promise you anything, Bella. I'm not going to open up overnight and spill things I've kept locked away. The only thing I can promise you is that I love you."
"I can handle that."
"I want to know you, too, Bella. You say there's nothing to you, but that's a lie. You just haven't discovered yourself yet. And, God, I want to be there when you do. I want to help you find what you're passionate about."
As the words left my lips, a part of my brain was screaming at me. It was telling me to shut the fuck up, to not make this beautiful girl promises I couldn't keep, that I'd fail her. All I would do was ruin her, drag her into my darkness.
Wasn't that why I walked away the first time? The fear of never being whole enough for her, of not being strong enough?
How could I help her if I couldn't even help myself?
But the thought of watching her walk away again, of losing the light she brought into this dark world of mine, almost brought me to my knees.
And then I had to wonder, was this what love was? The feeling that even though you were struggling, feeling like you were barely holding on, you still wanted to help them?
She was the only person I had ever felt desire for. When I looked at her, I wanted to run my fingers through her hair. I wanted to feel her lips, her body, pressed against mine. There had never been another beside her that I'd imagined being truly intimate with.
And I tried. So many times I had tried in the past. I'd kissed women, hoping to find the urge, that desire you were told men were supposed to have for women. But it just never…happened.
Bella was the only woman who had ever made me feel like maybe I wasn't broken as a man.
"We'll go slow?" Her voice trembled.
"As slow as you need," I breathed. "Bella?"
"Yeah?" she whispered, looking up at me.
"I really want to kiss you."
"Okay."
"But I don't know what I'm doing." She wanted pieces of me, and I would give them to her as I was able. This was the first of many.
Her eyes snapped to mine, a look of confusion written on her face, but she didn't question me, not yet at least. "That's okay, I do." A weak smile played on her lips.
She wrapped her arms around my neck, bringing me down to her level before pressing her mouth to mine. My hands slid to her waist, my fingers digging into her hips, as if I was trying to keep myself anchored to the ground.
This, this was what I would consider for the rest of my life my first kiss.