Chapter 16

EPOV

I let myself into Esme and Carlisle's house, walking into the kitchen, where I found my sister. I pressed a kiss to her cheek. "Hey, Es. Where's Carl?"

She rolled her eyes, drying her hands off on a dish towel. "Oh, hi, it's good to see you, too. I'm doing great, Edward. Thanks for asking."

I pushed my shoulder against hers. "Sorry, I just needed to talk to him about something."

Her eyes locked with mine, her nerves evident. It was obvious that even though I was a grown man, she'd never stop worrying. It was endearing and actually very welcomed on my end. Her words came out in a rush. "Is everything okay?"

I slipped my hands into my pockets, and I could feel the heat on my cheeks. I wasn't one to blush, but the thought of talking to my sister about sex was enough to do it. "Everything's fine. It's a guy question, I guess."

I was twenty-five years old. I knew what sex entailed, but I needed to talk to someone about what I was feeling. Emmett wasn't an option. While we worked out together from time to time and occasionally would grab a beer, we'd grown apart over the last couple of years. Aside from that, there was no way I was admitting to him I'd never had sex. All that would do was open up a can of worms. My past and my future weren't any of his concern.

Carlisle was safe. He was like a brother to me, and he knew about my past.

"Oh, right." A look of relief washed over her. "Well, last I knew, he was out in the garage messing with that heap of junk he calls a car."

"Thanks." I gave her a quick squeeze.

—SB—

"Hey, man."

He looked out from under the hood of his very rusty sixty-eight Dodge Charger as I walked into the garage. For as long as I knew him, he'd been working on that car. "Hey, what's going on, Ed?"

I shrugged. How did you start a conversation about wanting to have sex with your girl but you were nervous? "Just thought I'd drop by and see what you and Esme were up to."

The heavy metal of the hood made a loud thud as he closed it. Leaning back against the car, arms crossed along his chest, he stared at me for a few long moments. "You're definitely not telling me something. You seem way too on edge. Is everything okay?"

"Yeah. I—I was hoping you had a few minutes? I can't talk to Esme about this. I guess I need a man's perspective."

His eyebrows rose. "Well, hit me with it."

"Bella and I are together."

He grinned, seeming genuinely happy for me. "That's great, man!"

I fidgeted in my spot. It was probably best to get it all out in the open. "It is, but, Carlisle, I've never had sex, and I assume she expects us to eventually. I've never trusted anyone enough, except for Bella. And it's, well, things are getting heavy between us. We're taking it slow, but I don't know how much longer we'll want to wait. I'm nervous as shit. Sometimes I feel like since I've never had sex, or really wanted to, as a man, I'm broken."

"I gotta say, this isn't exactly how I thought this conversation was gonna go." He chuckled nervously. "But I'm glad you felt comfortable coming to me. I'll be honest, it doesn't really surprise me with everything you've gone through. But, Edward, no matter what you've heard, sex doesn't make you whole as a person. There's more to you, more to your relationship than sex. You're not broken."

I swallowed thickly, trying to keep my tears at bay. I didn't know how much it would mean to hear those words from Carlisle—another man—that maybe I wasn't broken.

He paused for a moment, staring off into space before continuing. "I guess, some people, well, they don't feel that connection, that desire, if they aren't emotionally attached to someone. Do you get how much sense it makes for you? Edward, you had about the worst introduction to something that is supposed to be between two people in love that I can imagine. You have every right to be guarded. Your childhood, your innocence was ripped from you. So, the fact that you trust Bella, and that you want to be connected to her intimately, that's fucking amazing. I'm so proud of you. But I get the impression there's more going on here."

I ran my hands over my face, trying to wipe the tears away. "She's had sex before. What if I don't live up to her expectations?"

He shrugged. "She loves you, and you love her. Not to be corny, but that's really all you both need for it to be amazing. Everything else aside, there's something you need to think about. I know it scares the crap out of you, but if you're really considering this step, it might be wise for you to talk to her about everything. Obviously, it's your choice, but I don't know that it's fair to her to go into this blind. I think she needs to know if something might trigger you."

My heart was pounding in my chest as panic rose inside of me. I knew he was right, if I wanted to be with her, to have sex with her, she deserved to know everything. But if she walked away from me, I didn't know what I would do. I tried to be without her before, and I felt like a fucking zombie, just going through the motions. That wasn't a life I wanted. "I can't lose her. What if she wants nothing to do with me after I tell her, Carlisle? What if it's all too much for her?"

"I don't see that happening, but if it does, then she's not who you thought she was. From the few times I met her over the years, she seems like a pretty strong woman. I think Bella can handle more than you think. But if you're not ready to talk to her about it, that's okay. You'll need to think about how you want to move forward with her if that's the case, though."

"I've got a lot to think about."

"I'm always here if you need me, okay?"

"Yeah, thanks."

I left there that afternoon, knowing what I needed to do.

—SB—

Dinner had been quiet, and now we were together on the couch watching a movie. I couldn't for the life of me tell you what it was about. My mind was too preoccupied with everything Carlisle had said earlier.

I wanted things to move forward with her. I wanted to be intimate with her in every sense of the word. But was I ready for what that entailed? It was something that required complete honesty on both our parts, but would she look at me the same when she knew? Would she still see me, or would she just see my trauma?

"Hey, are you okay?"

Her words broke me from my thoughts. Slowly, I turned toward her. "I don't know."

"Okay." She reached over, lacing our fingers together.

My heart was pounding in my chest. My throat was tight, and it felt as if I couldn't get enough air into my lungs. "I don't know how to do this, Bella."

Her brow crinkled, concern marring her beautiful face. "You don't know how to do what, exactly?"

"There's so many things about me you don't know. And I don't know how to tell you about any of it or if I even know how to form the words."

"Edward, you don't have to—"

"But I do, Bella," I choked out.

And I did. No one was forcing me. It was my decision, my story to tell, and with how much I loved her, with how much I trusted her, I knew it was time to let her in.

She shifted her body closer to me, her other hand reaching out, wiping the tears that I didn't even realize had fallen. "I'm here, baby," she whispered. "I'm right here."

I squeezed her hand tightly, holding on for dear life. "I don't know where to start."

"I don't know either, but I promise I'll listen when you do."

I closed my eyes tightly, knowing that if I didn't say something now, I might not ever. So with all the courage I could gather, I told her my story, of the little boy who had so much stolen from him.

She didn't move an inch as I emptied my soul to her, as I told her about the dark things that plagued me. Her eyes grew sad, and a few tears fell from her eyes, but never once did I see pity in them. I did see anger flash through them, and I saw hurt, but most of all, the main thing I saw was her unwavering love.

"Thank you for trusting me, Edward." She climbed into my lap, wrapping her arms around me and holding me tightly. "I hate that you ever went through that. I hate that someone hurt you so badly." Her voice was thick with tears and the collar of my shirt was growing damp. "I know I can't take it all away, but the one thing I can do is love you."

My hands stroked her hair as I pressed a kiss to the top of her head. I let my head rest against the back of the couch. I was exhausted now, so I let my eyes drift shut. "I love you."

It was the last thing I remembered telling her before I fell asleep right there, wrapped up in her arms.