Chapter 17

EPOV

I awoke to the smell of coffee brewing. Slowly opening my eyes, I realized I was still at Bella's, sleeping on her couch. I groaned loudly as I stretched out my stiff limbs before standing and heading into the kitchen.

I walked into the room, taking in the sight before me. Bella was sitting at the table, looking like she hadn't slept at all. I swallowed down my anxiety as I made my way over to her. I kissed the top of her head, and some of the worry was eased as she leaned into me. "Hey."

"Hey, you sleep okay? I didn't want to wake you, you seemed really peaceful."

"What, did you watch me sleep?" I chuckled, but immediately stopped as her tired, red-rimmed eyes met mine.

"A little, yeah," she whispered.

I poured myself a cup of coffee before dropping into the chair beside her. I glanced at the clock. It was already after nine. "You look like you haven't slept at all. And aren't you supposed to be at work?"

She stared down into her cup. "I called out."

I reached out, pulling one of her hands off her mug, entwining our fingers. "We can talk about it, you know." It was something I had never imagined saying, but it felt right with her. It felt safe. I knew if I said I needed to stop, she'd hear me.

Her eyes snapped to mine, and the pain I saw there broke me.

"It's not about me," she whispered. "I'm not making this about me."

"No, you're not. This is about us. What I told you last night, it's a lot."

"It's so much." She shut her eyes tightly.

"I get it if it's too much—"

Her eyes popped open. "No. It's a lot, but never doubt my love. I'm just trying…I guess I'm trying to process it all. I'm so mad." Her palms slammed on the table, coffee sloshing out of her cup. "You were a baby, for Christ's sake, you were—"

And that was when the dam opened and her tears flowed. I knew she'd been too calm last night. So, I did the only thing I could think of. I pulled her up and over into my lap, wrapping my arms around her. My own tears flowed with hers. There was nothing I could do to fix it. If there was, I would have done it a long time ago.

"I hate it, Edward. I hate that anyone hurt you, that your mom didn't stop that monster from violating you."

I waited until it seemed her tears had subsided and her breathing evened out before I pulled back. I cupped her face between my palms, gazing into her eyes. "Look at me, Bella," I murmured. "I'm here. I'm okay. No one is hurting me now."

Which was true. No one was hurting me now, but the past still haunted me. Bella wasn't my cure, I knew that, but she sure as hell helped to soothe the ache inside of me.

She blew out a shuddering breath. "It all makes so much sense now."

"What does?"

She rested her head on my shoulder, her fingers playing with the hair at the nape of my neck. "You pushing me away, never letting me in? I'm sorry—"

"No." My tone was stern. "Don't you dare apologize for anything. You did nothing wrong. Just because I had a fucked up childhood, there's no excuse for the way I treated you. And I think there's something else you need to know."

She sat up, eyes wide. "There's more?"

I nodded. "You deserve the whole truth about me. All those girls I brought around, I never did anything with them. I've never done anything with anyone, aside from a few kisses. But even those meant nothing, and it was more to just prove to myself I could."

She was completely still, and if I didn't see her chest rise and fall, I would have thought she wasn't breathing. "You've never…" Her words were so quiet that if she weren't on my lap, I wouldn't have heard them.

I shook my head. "Never."

"Edward."

"Before I met you, I never had a connection strong enough to anyone. I've never trusted anyone like I trust you."

She was quiet for a long time. The hands on the clock ticked slowly, and I felt my anxiety rise. Was this going to be the reason she left me and not the fact that I was sexually abused as a child? Was I not enough of a man for her? I felt the bile rising in my throat.

"I know I'm not experienced like the other guys you were with—"

"If you think I give a shit about that, you know nothing about me. I'm just a little in shock from everything. But honey, when we finally—" She paused for a moment, before continuing her thought. "I love you, Edward. It'll be amazing. Just like with any new partner, we'll learn from each other, and it'll be so much fun." She smiled for the first time that morning and I couldn't help the stupid grin on my face.

I pressed my lips against hers, slowly deepening the kiss until we were both panting as I pulled back. I loved the dark pink blush that covered her cheeks and trailed down her chest. My mind immediately wondered just how far that blush went, but I needed to tamp down my thoughts. "I need to be at the shop in an hour. Do you want to come hang out?"

"I don't want to be in the way." She bit her lip.

"You won't be. Besides, I'm sure Peter could find something for you to do. Lord knows he always finds something for me. It's a little better now that I'm not just an apprentice, but I'm still at the bottom of the food chain there."

"I dunno. You look pretty cute with a broom in your hand. Very domestic." She waggled her eyebrows.

I poked my finger into her side, making her squirm and squeal, which in hindsight was a very bad idea. I had no control over my body's reaction to her, and the feeling of her wiggling in my lap, well, it was making things hard. It wasn't the first time she'd been on my lap when I'd had an erection, but this time it just felt different. Now that she knew everything, it seemed more intimate.

She stilled, and I watched as she swallowed, her tongue peeking out to swipe over her bottom lip. My fingers trailed her naked thigh to the hem of her shorts. "You ever think about getting a tattoo here like we used to talk about? I could do it for you." The huskiness of my voice surprised even me.

Her eyes were full of desire as she looked at me and then down to where my hand rested. "One day I'll let you mark me, but it'll be behind closed doors."

She hopped up from my lap, and as I watched her walk away, I realized how light I felt. I knew my issues weren't going anywhere, but it was different. I could breathe easier knowing that two of my biggest fears didn't come true.

She didn't look at me with pity. Sure, there was sadness and anger on my behalf, but not pity. And there was still fire in her eyes when I kissed her. She still found me desirable. She still wanted me.

For now, I was only inching forward in life, but anything that moved me forward and not backward, I'd learned to consider it a success.