Title: From What I Once Was
Author: BluesyEyes
Rating: PG
Summary: Sitting across from Grissom, all Sara wants to do is vent, but she can't.
A/N: I do not own CSI. I do not own these characters. I take no credit for them.
A story for Sara.
Things always change. When do things not change? In my opinion, this has changed. This… thing. This relationship status. I thought I knew what to do about it in the beginning, but honestly, right now, I have no clue.
I got lost along the way. In some way, I suppose I lost who I was. But who doesn't lose their selves as time passes on. But from what I once was, I have become someone that I never really wanted to be.
You know, he had always wanted what was best for me. But now, I don't know… does he? Does he want what's best for me? I can't tell. He gives mixed messages.
I wish he wouldn't. I wish he would come and say what he was feeling, and tell me what to do about us… at least then I could get over the impossibility of the thought.
One date… would that be enough? Would one kiss be enough? I don't think so. I don't think anything would be enough.
I look at him now. His eyes downcast, most likely studying the case file in front of him. What is he thinking? Is he that much of a machine? No, he couldn't be.
That's what I can't get enough of him. He's complex. He's this allusion of what I've always wanted to be… more or less, he's what I've always wanted to have.
Why can't I have him? Why can't he let me in? What scares him so? What could I do to hurt him? If I were his, I'd be at his beck-and-call. I'd do whatever I could to please him.
Maybe that scares him. Would that scare me?
Maybe so.
But Grissom, do you really think you could be happy alone? Do you think I'm happy? I'm not. Look at me. I've become this… empty vessel.
I need to be filled. I need something.
I'm empty.
I need you. I've always needed you. I came to Las Vegas for you and you alone. I didn't care what I was leaving behind, I didn't care what the others would think.
I dropped it all to be with you because I thought that maybe, just maybe, you had changed and that I could finally be the one you talked to at night.
Did that happen? No. Not really.
Actually, not at all.
If anything, it drove me farther away from you. In some ways, I thought I was getting closer, even if it were just a millimeter, but I've only realized, these past few days, that by getting that much closer, I've only driven myself farther away.
You're like an allusion. You're this unattainable thing. Like a god. I believe in you, Grissom. I always have. I believe that one day you'll understand how I truly feel and that you will eventually tell me exactly how you feel about me, but until then, you're there. And my faith waivers.
Will you?
Will you tell me things that I will fear or that I have dreamed for so long?
You're like a rock. You don't change. You're a constant. Am I the one that overanalyzes? Am I the one that throws things out of proportion? I must be. You're ground that I can stand on, that I can feel strong on. You give me strength.
At least I think so.
I'm like a moth driven to the flame. You're hot… burning. Not just in the physical sense. I love it when you talk. You're words pierce my very being. Why, I cannot say. But you're words do, whether you be talking about a case file like you are now, or when you're talking about something more personal.
I wish you'd open up to me.
My childhood was rough. Blood, sweat, purgation, shredded, and no innocence. I grew up to fast. My childhood is barely nonexistent. I built walls to protect my heart. That's why coming to Vegas was easier. But since then, I've been building more walls. The bricks are getting thicket, heavier. I'm getting tired. I'm sick of carrying this around. I can't breathe. I feel suffocated. I want to be free. Can you break that wall? I don't know but I believe you can.
How?
Grissom… I was such a different person 5 years ago. I was happy, content. I had made a life for myself. I dropped it all to be with you, for a hope of a future with you. Do I believe it still? I still do.
I don't sleep. I don't eat. All I do is work. Do I not do those things to be with you? No, I don't think so. More or less, I'm looking for confidence, consolidation, trust, and peace.
Will I be able to find that in you? Have I? Have you?
I'm a caged bird. I want to sing. I want to be free of pain, of constraints, of these chains that are tying me down.
Grissom, I'm tired. I want to go home. I want to breathe. I don't want to be this person; I want you to break the walls.
Come knocking on my door.
I want you to break them so that when they build again, you're in here with me, that you're enfolded within my very being.
Please, Grissom, come save me.