Title: Blacking Out the Friction

Pairing: CJ/Simon established relationship. (CJ/Toby friendship.)

Rating: T

Spoilers: "Full Disclosure".

Disclaimer: Not my characters, not making a profit. The title for the fic was shamelessly lifted from a song of the same name by Death Cab For Cutie.

A/N: This is something that I actually wrote ages ago, but I finally gave it a bit of a polish and here it is. It was a reactionary piece. I realise that the Vice President doesn't work in the West Wing itself, but please just roll with the canteen thing! (You'll understand later...)

Blacking Out the Friction

"Getting into that elevator... I knew he was married... If I could take back one decision..."

CJ's words were whispered in the dark. Toby heard them and said nothing at first. It should have been shocking. She had bedded down with one guy for almost two years now. To the world she was CJ Cregg, Press Secretary to the President of the United States of America; she was expected to walk the straight and narrow without making those kind of mistakes.

Toby had known CJ well even in those early days, ten years back down the line. She had certainly been no angel and men had always been her weakness. He knew that it was because, at root, she was terribly insecure despite her solid, 'six-foot tall, Berkley-feminista' façade. CJ had been different back then, Toby mused: immature even. Immature to the extent of trying her very best to fit in with the career guys: the job, the car... the long list of lays. No one ever told her, he supposed, that she needn't have bothered – she could play ball with the guys on her own terms. He was right on both accounts though, people didn't tell CJ the things she needed to hear back then and he was as guilty as any one of her friends. Toby mentally kicked himself. There could not have been a shadow of a doubt in the mind of those who knew her back then that she was looking for a partner. It was blindingly obvious that all CJ really wanted was a real relationship, and yet they – himself included – watched her throw herself at men who were completely unsuited to her, again and again. Maybe, he wonders, it had been the end of the only serious relationship – with Ben while she was at college – that had led to the list of careless flings. Be that as it may, those flings had left her open to hurt, which in turn left her emotionally numb and unwilling to open up, afraid of the pain.

A lot had changed in CJ since she arrived at The White House. She had always been witty, sharp, kind and caring, but while the 'greenness' about her had gone, that numbness was still firmly present. She had warred against it; he saw her struggle with it sometimes, usually after a particularly hard day. He knew that she sat alone in her office and wished she had someone to go home to. War with it she did, and what appeared to all of them as a school-girl crush, the "thing" with Danny Concannon had been more than perhaps even she would admit. He had warned against it as her boss, avoiding his duty to broach the subject as her friend. Hard headed and independent to the last, she had gone ahead with it anyway. Danny had hurt her or she had hurt herself, he didn't know which and preferred to keep it that way. It didn't matter now and Toby happily wrote off the whole affair as a much needed heads up for her heart and where it found itself now: deeply in love with Special Agent Simon Donovan.

Toby broke the silence; his voice low and his words slow: "Have you told him?" Watching her downcast features with almost black eyes, he knew the answer. CJ's hands took on a mind of their own as they wrung together nervously in her lap. He sighed deeply.

CJ and Simon had been together nearly the full two years since the stalker was caught. They had been casual at first – maybe even careful – dating only when their schedules permitted: taking a quick lunch here, catching a late dinner there. Their courting seemed to consist of late night phone conversations and stolen moments. During what little 'real' time they managed to get together, modesty kept their affection behind closed apartment doors and away from the public eye. After the election, however, they had unwittingly 'gone public'. Beautiful pictures from the Christmas Eve service at the National Cathedral in D.C. made their way into the papers and magazines and overnight, the pair became the nation's newest golden couple. It all came about at the President's request. He had personally asked Simon to attend the service and made sure he sat next to CJ, among the rest of the Senior Staff and family. Accepting the President's blessing, they had unabashedly held hands through the most part of the televised service like it was the most natural thing to do. CJ had actually squeezed closer to Simon through the anthems, the Cathedral choir filling the air with such beauty she had felt overwhelmed to be there. It had been special, sharing the moment with so many of the people she truly loved, and for Simon too, it was a dream come true.

Since that magical night, however, the path hadn't been so straight forward. Early that very month, Simon had gladly accepted promotion to Head the Vice President's protection detail. He had been thrilled by the challenge and responsibility, and had expected CJ to be too. However, his excitement had been greeted with a slightly paling complexion and a weak smile. She had put it down to a particularly stressful day at the office but he had been less than convinced. He had just made the biggest step up in his career – he was head of protection for the Vice-President of the United States of America – and it was hard for him to see what there was to reticent about. But as far as CJ was concerned, he was protecting John Hoynes, and that upset her far more than she wanted to let on, and as the weeks wore on, more than Simon thought to be reasonable.

Despite an underlying and unaddressed tension, the festive season had not been spoiled. The wonderful mass at the Cathedral had kicked off what turned into their fairy-tale Christmas. It was spent together at CJ's. They had spent the night making love and talking lazily in tangled sheets, not getting up on Christmas Day till gone noon. Simon had cooked up a fantastic lunch with CJ playing kitchen aid; laughter and wine flowed freely. After so many hurried dates and short nights, the time they spent together over Christmas seemed a blissful eternity. It had led to impassioned declarations of love and Simon moving in, both of which had since proved to be harder than either of them expected.

Waking each morning in each others arms never seemed to be anything but a novelty to Simon, and if she was honest, his seemingly boundless enthusiasm scared her a little. Despite that, they had been getting nicely acclimatised to the everyday reality of living together. Her apartment was easily within walking distance of the White House and sometimes they would walk out together in the mornings.

As January neared it's close, after Inauguration, the Vice President's schedule left Simon coming home pretty exhausted. Often he would fall asleep in front of the TV waiting up for CJ to return. Whenever she came in to see him so peaceful, she would just sit down and watch him. The light from the TV would flicker over his face, the soft hues softening his already relaxed, handsome features. She loved the way he looked in those moments, he always seemed so at ease. She never wanted to wake him, and yet there were so many times when she got in, she desperately wanted to talk. There were things she couldn't discuss, things she didn't know he saw weighing her down. Simon for his part wished she would wake him; her eyes would always bear a subtle sorrow whenever he roused to find her perched on the end of the sofa watching him. But that wasn't every night. Often enough, they would just fall together and openly take refuge in each other from the world. For Simon, that was enough, to know she was there, that she loved him. There would be moments when doubt about the stability of their relationship would creep into his mind: times that CJ's whimpers in bed would be too soft, or her eyes too sad – they would betray her need for him, or the strain that life put on her. Those time would unsettle him, she would seem fragile: too fragile.

"You should tell him, CJ. If this gets out-" Toby's voice was barely above a whisper.

She practically exploded in his face, "this is not getting out, Toby!"

"And what if it does!" he would always out do her for volume.

"It won't." Her tone was low, warning: he matched her again.

"Is it why you were so hard on him for taking the job?"

"I..." He had her number and she knew it. Yes, yes, it was why she had been upset. In her mind, Simon's life would never have been a fair exchange for Hoynes'. That was what it came down to. She had been with both men and there was no question over to whom her love and loyalty belonged. The guilt of her secret had played heavily on her mind. It wasn't just the personal conflict that troubled her though, there was a professional problem to consider: how effectively could Simon do his job knowing about their transgression? In fact, that made it tempting to tell him, maybe he would transfer... maybe he wouldn't put give the last full measure. Those were the thoughts that kept her up at night, those were the things she wouldn't wake him for when he was asleep in front of the TV. At the end of the day it was a decision that had to be made by her, and her alone.

Toby got up, she couldn't bring herself to look at him. He paused by her chair and spoke softly: "All I'm saying... is if it were Andi, I'd want to know."

And with that, he slowly exited her office, pulling the door to a gentle. His heart tugged: he had seen CJ and Simon together and he could honestly say he'd never seen her happier. Well, maybe not so much in the last few months. Since the New Year, he had seen the worries pile up on CJ and her Father's deteriorating health was causing her more and more distress. This thing with Hoynes couldn't have come at a worse time. Toby was angry that at the timing of it all. Watching her plead and struggle with Tal and his deteriorating mind was as hard as it was heart-breaking.

For a time, Simon pitching up some evenings to take her home had brought visible solace to her features but the past month had been different. Something had been gradually changing in CJ, something subtle, something well hidden under her hard exterior. Recently, Simon hadn't been by to pick her up, and the Vice President was currently in Washington. Toby sighed and rubbed his head; he knew her father had been getting worse recently and that it probably didn't help that Ben was back. Ben had been the anomaly of her younger days: two years, that was the longest CJ had ever spent with one guy. In fact, they had been around the stage CJ and Simon were at now; after six months of living together, it had fallen apart.

The gentle light of the table lamp was the only light on in her office and it lent her no warmth. Tucking her hair back behind her ear, CJ struggled to keep it together. She had been young and foolish.

"John Hoynes," when she said it out loud, the past seemed absurd. That one night of reckless passion, lust, pure heat... they were things she had felt a lot in those days. But then, this job had created her anew and in the process, galvanised her soul against the irrational need for those feelings. She had matured. It was how she found herself hopelessly, terrifyingly in love with an extraordinary man, a considerate man, a very real man. CJ sighed deeply. Simon – it seemed her thoughts always came back to him these days. Oh Simon! How would she, howcould she tell him this? The girl who blindly stepped into the elevator with Hoynes, who was charmed by his confident Texan swagger, that was not the woman Simon had fallen for. Simon Donovan didn't swagger, he wasn't arrogant and he sure as hell wasn't a womaniser; he was loyal and he was true.

This was a mess. Maybe a month ago, she could have handled telling him – but not now. Not after the way she'd been to him recently. At work, she was always this big strong woman, hard enough to play ball with the big boys. At home, Simon saw the softer, weaker, more vulnerable version of CJ Cregg. Simon saw the scared little girl, the one her Daddy had loved, nurtured, protected and inspired. Letting anyone see that side of her scared CJ to death and it proved to be the one last issue, that on top of everything else, she just couldn't deal with. It was why she was gently pushing Simon away. Losing her father so cruelly sapped on her already dwindling strength. It felt like she was having her soul chipped away, each dying minute another bit off the block. She was falling apart, blow by blow.

As if everything else hadn't been enough, Ben's arrival back in her life had rocked her and made things worse. She was painfully reminded of the fact that it had so nearly worked out with him – and that had been without the terrifyingly soulful love she and Simon shared. And as awful was to think it, right now, Ben seemed uncomplicated – an attractive alternative. Luckily, it wasn't that attractive. The absence of the depth of connection was undoubtedly what sent their relationship into an irrecoverable tailspin over what should have been nothing more than marital banter.

Still, after a week of incessant pestering, she consented to seeing him. When she brought Ben to her office, Carol had looked at her boss with uncertainty before she leaving quickly. Ben was as gracious and warm as ever, and midway through lunch had given her a photo of a time long gone: of a young girl long gone. While CJ refused to indulge in his amorous advances, even for old times' sake or whatever escapism she felt she needed, she was glad for the distraction. Ben was as charming as ever and even through the darkness, he had managed to make her chuckle lightly and for that, she was grateful.

Simon sat alone. He waited at her dining table with a ragged old duffel bag by his feet. He stared into the empty darkness and listened to the rhythmic thud of his own heart in his ears. It was late and she hadn't called. It was midnight and she wasn't home. Normally, he would have put it down to a difficult day had she not been this way for the past month. She stayed progressively longer at work and would slip in for a few hours rest in the early morning, knowing full well that he would have given up waiting and gone to bed alone. They still lived in the same space and slept in the same bed, but they practically didn't touch one another. At night she would stay well to her side, often now with her back to him. In the morning, she got up first. They washed and dressed with distance and forced, awkward silence. He tried gently, subtly to close, the rift that was emerging between them, only to be pushed further away. She was getting thinner. They hadn't shared a meal in nearly three weeks, he hoped she was still eating, even if it was just those calorie-free salad-type meals.

For a couple who had always been so direct with one another about their relationship, only a scarce few words had passed between them in the last few weeks. He wanted nothing more than to talk, to ask her what had gone so monumentally wrong, but the consistent foreboding in her eyes when he took a breath to speak made him hold his tongue.

CJ had become increasingly distant since her father went into a nursing home. His care had finally become too much for Molly to cope with alone, and for that no one could blame her. Simon knew that seeing it happen was breaking CJ's heart. She had offered, not for the first time, to give up her career to take up his care; but in one of his more lucid moments, Tal had told her emphatically, 'no'. It didn't take long for Simon to realise that the day they had taken Tal to the home had been the start of all this silence. He gave talking his best try, but at the mention of the subject of her father, she had shot him down. He had resolved that even if she wouldn't talk, he would do his utmost to comfort her, be strong for her, just be there with her. It seemed though, despite his efforts, CJ was still intent on facing everything alone, as she always had done. The last trip home, like the first the previous February, had been arranged for when Simon was away working. Like the last time, she hadn't returned his calls that weekend and when he challenged her about it, her response had been hurtfully curt.

She had avoided his touch for the last few days and he noted woefully that they hadn't kissed in nearly three weeks and they hadn't made love in over two months. In his heart he knew that he still loved her more than anything, but this distance: it was wearing him down.

Now it was Friday and he waited, as he had done the last few nights, for her to come home. The night before, he had sat at the table with the lights on and waited till 1AM before she returned. He had risen to his feet and greeted her softly with a warm smile. CJ had brushed past him, shirking away from his embrace, heading straight for bed. Despite feeling well and truly alienated, Simon had resolved to give it another try. He too got changed for bed and gently laid down next to her too-thin form. She had taken up her now usual position – her back facing him. Tentatively, he had put a soft hand on her shoulder, only to let it slip away when she tensed under his most tender of touches. He whispered to her, asking simply what was wrong but she just pulled the comforter closer to her chin. Lying perfectly still, he had listened to her breathe, waiting for the long even rhythm of sleep, but it didn't come. Biting the bullet and moving closer, he spooned his body up to hers as he had done so many times in the past. She had tensed again. He ignored the sign and began instead to lay soft kisses on the side of her neck, tenderly holding her to him. He whispered in between the feather-lite contact with her skin that everything would be alright. She said nothing, did nothing. Gently, he released her and tried to turn her so that he could see her face. She resisted and he stopped as the moonlight caught in a tear drop. He kissed the back of her shoulder and whispered, "I love you." She had stayed perfectly still, perfectly silent. Letting go, he rolled onto his back in despair. Neither one of them slept that night.

Time ticked by. A few cars breezed down the road, but none gave out the distinctive hum of CJ's Mustang. He went through it in his head again. He would offer to give her some space. Go to his sister's for a few days. Maybe it would give her time to think. She could call him and he'd come back and they could talk. Deep down, he knew this wouldn't happen. In reality he had solemnly packed his clothes because he was drained. It hurt to be kept at arms length. It hurt to see her suffer and be helpless, useless, unable to protect her from some invisible foe whose identity he couldn't be sure of. What if she didn't call though? What if this is what she wanted him to do? Simon's thoughts were cut short by the tell-tale revs of the Mustang's engine as she pulled up outside. It was a half past midnight.

CJ sat in her car and cut the engine. Her hands shook. It was torture going into her home and seeing him there. Last night she had so nearly given in, so nearly let go. She knew in her heart that Simon would never hurt her, but that wasn't the issue at all. One day he would leave her, not through loss of love, but through the brutality of nature. He was too good, too important to lose. Looking heavenwards, she asked for strength and guidance but a moment later still felt the same. The cold set in as the warm air of the canvas-encased cabin quickly dissipated. The door creaked open and squeaked as it closed. Simon had been meaning to get round to oiling it for her.

Each step on the journey up the stairs seemed to take for ever, yet it was over in the blink of an eye. Her apartment was bathed in a cold black. Patches of sulphur orange from the streetlights through the large windows illuminated the floor. She went straight for her bedroom, relieved by the lack of light, thinking he was asleep.

"It's late." His voice stopped her dead. She didn't turn to see where he was lurking. She was glad he had left the lights off. There was an uneasy silence. CJ heard him stand, a pine dining table chair scraping back against the parquet floor. He'd picked something up and walked slowly but determinedly towards her. "I wanted to talk." Still, she said nothing. He was standing about two feet from her right shoulder. "But I thought you'd be like this," his voice wavered: "it's like talking to a brick wall, CJ." He took a deep breath, finding it hard to control his voice, "I love you! And I want to help, I won't judge, I'll just... I'll just listen..." his words vanished as if mist in the air. When she made no move to speak, he continued with a heaving heart. He had left the lights off so she wouldn't see the pain on his face or the tears in his eyes. "I'll leave, you can have some time to yourself - if that's what you want."

His words resonated in her mind. It was a bag in his hand. He was leaving. Inwardly, she was surprised. It was her biggest fear – losing him – and there he was, duffel in hand, ready to do just that. Was she satisfied? her mind berated her. Well done, CJ, he's going, there'll be no fuss over him getting too close and slipping away.

"Is that what you want, CJ?" She found herself nodding. Even in the scarce light, he could see the movement of her already bowed head. Simon had forgotten the awful constricting feeling you get in your throat when tears first set in. He straightened up and composed himself, "I'll be at Emma's... will you call me?" Again, she nodded.

The front door clicked closed almost silently. She waited, standing in the same spot, listening for the building's main door. The heavy clatter came, and like opening the floodgates, beads of salty tears escaped her eyes. Something drew her inexplicably to one of the large windows that looked down onto the street. She saw his tall figure walk, uncharacteristically dragging his feet, to his car. The lights flashed as he unlocked the suburban. He slung the bag half-heartedly onto the passenger seat and paused. Ever-so slowly, he turned and looked up to where she stood. In the glow of the streetlights, she could see his face; it was wet and deeply sad. The few seconds felt like a lifetime. The car door closed crisply. CJ felt her hand press up against the cold glass, reaching out. She collapsed where she was as his tail lights vanished into the night.

Her bed seemed empty as she fell into it. Even though they hadn't been physically close when they slept recently, he had been there. It took five minutes lying there alone for her to realise space was the last thing she needed. Pushing Simon away, driving him to pack a bag and go away, was the worst decision she had ever made.

Never mind sleeping with Hoynes, sleeping without Simon was something far worse than she had ever imagined.

Simon had got a strange look from the night doorman. Emma's husband answered the front door, bleary-eyed, baseball bat in hand. Seeing the awkward mess of a man that stood before him, he welcomed his brother-in-law into his home without hesitation. The men got on well, they were very alike in personality, so much so that one of Emma's friends had commented that she had married a slightly funnier, significantly louder version of her brother. Sitting on their couch, Simon had poured his heart out to them both. Emma held her big brother tightly to her and whispered measured words of comfort. Eventually, he made it to their spare room. Trudging like a soldier back from the front line, he collapsed onto the bed fully clothed, cell phone in hand.

Saturday came and went in a storm. The Hoynes resignation issue had got Leo looking over his shoulder and spending more time in the Oval. The book was playing on CJ's mind, not to mention the way she had been broadsided with the news live on TV the morning before. Soon enough though, it was 4PM and she was able to call a full lid for the day. On two hours sleep, she was exhausted and according to Toby, it was beginning to show. He all but dragged her down to the canteen for something to eat. To CJ's horror, he bought her a burger, refusing in the way only Toby could, to let her eat a salad. They ate in silence.

A glimpse of silver drew Toby's eyes to the entrance of the canteen. Simon Donovan came in with a couple of agents on his detail. The two he was with seemed jovial, although tired. Their easy attitude didn't extend to their boss, who walked one pace behind them. Perhaps that was the blow of finding the man you were willing to give your life for was an adulterer. Toby knew it was more than that.

CJ noticed her friend's momentary distraction and called him on it. "It's nothing," he'd said, taking another big bite of the burger. She managed to get the vast majority of the burger down and Toby let the fact she hadn't touched a single one of her fries go. With a grim smile, she got up first, not wanting to sit around any longer. Just as they were leaving, CJ's phone rang. They stopped and she checked the caller ID.

"It's... I've got to take it." Her eyes pleaded with Toby to leave, but he stood fast, his presence keeping her at the exit of the canteen.

"Sure," he encouraged, uncompromising in his physical presence. Turning her back to him, she flipped the phone open.

"Daddy?" Her shoulders dropped and her back slumped. "Daddy, it's Claudia – no, no not this weekend, it's next... like we said, Daddy... I spoke to you yesterday... no! Daddy, I haven't abandoned you... no..." Toby's heart weakened, and he laid a hand on her shoulder and squeezed. He turned slightly back towards the steadily emptying canteen, his eyes quickly scanning the room.

Simon had spotted her the moment he walked in. He had guided his team to sit at a table purposefully out of her line of sight. The canteen was good for that. He was grateful that Toby was making her eat but felt incredibly inadequate that he had never been able to get his girlfriend to eat something as unhealthy as that. He didn't touch his own meal, and unusually, didn't engage or disapprove of the light hearted conversation Pam and Jamie were having about the whole Hoynes resignation.

Ordinarily he would have been keeping his agents from idle gossip. He would have been silently cursing Hoynes for his betrayal. He would be glad that he found this out before someone decided to take a shot at his proectee. None of those thoughts crossed his mind, he didn't have the energy to invest into feeling anger or do the things he usually would. It seemed to him that this whole business was just another fly in his already ruined pie.

Toby turned a little further, his efforts a little more urgent, CJ was pleading with her father, trying to hold it together for another minute or two. Relief washed through him when his eyes met Simon's. His relief was short-lived though, the Secret Service Agent didn't look himself. He wore a completely vacant expression and only raised his eyebrows in question to Toby's implicit and obvious request. Tightening his supportive grip on CJ's shoulders, Toby angrily motioned with his head for him to come over. Simon blinked long and hard before giving in and without a word to his companions, abruptly got up from his table.

CJ didn't notice the brief lapse in the reassuring pressure on her shoulders, but something changed and it made her relax a little. After another two minutes of heart-wrenching verbal battling, she hung up the phone, letting it slowly click closed in her hand. She hung her head in emotional exhaustion. The hands began to gently massage the back of her shoulders, working on a particularly hard knot just below her right shoulder blade. It was then she let herself realise they had not been Toby's hands for a while. The cell phone in her hand seemed heavy. She waited for him to say something, she longed for a whisper, anything. Their silence continued, Simon's hands stilled and left her body. He stepped around her and held the canteen door open for her, his face open but his eyes sad. CJ hung her head further and in silent submission, put one foot in front of the other. He followed her and they began a slow march through the basement corridors of the White House, heading back towards the West Wing.

They walked side by side; their silence was neither companionable nor awkward. Simon desperately wanted to say something, but he needed her to initiate the conversation, he needed to know that she really wanted him to be there. As soon as they hit security, CJ picked up the pace of their stride, Simon followed, staying just off her left shoulder, letting her lead. Toby ran into them in the hallway. He pulled CJ to one side and muttered in a low voice for her to go home. She stood up straighter and resumed her path back to her office. Carol was waiting with a few messages, CJ dealt with them quickly and professionally and Simon stood patiently at her door, diligently keeping himself out of the way. After fifteen minutes, CJ began packing files into her briefcase. Carol smiled sweetly at Simon, sensing something wasn't quite right, but hoping with all her heart that her boss actually going home early might sort things out. In her mind, CJ and Simon were a perfect couple, they were fun and caring; Agent Donovan was great for her boss. So great in fact, that she felt no guilt what so ever in leaving Ben on hold until he got the point.

CJ didn't object when Simon got into her Mustang next to her. Still, she didn't speak. As soon as the front door to her apartment was closed, CJ let out a deep sigh, leaning against the cool wood for support. Simon stood close, silently studying her face. Tears came to her eyes and her voice was barely above a whisper:

"I slept with John Hoynes."

Simon's face betrayed nothing of his feelings, but he could feel his heart beginning to break. Before his thoughts could get too carried away with when and why, she continued with a shaky voice. "It was during..." she started slowly, but suddenly the floodgates opened and she practically stumbled over her words as she struggled to get it all out: "it was ten years ago but he's writing this book, and..." CJ tried to take a long breath, but it just came out as a shuddering sniff as the tears began to fall. "Oh God!" She broke down against the door and Simon fought down a wave of nausea. "I'm so sorry," she whimpered, shaking her head as she began to sink down towards the floor. Suddenly she stopped falling, his strong arms had enveloped her, bringing her back to her full height against his chest.

"It's ok, CJ." He tried to comfort her but his voice was weak and he all but choked on his words.

"But it's not, Simon!" She pulled back from him, presenting him with desperately sad and painfully truthful eyes. "You don't know that girl! You don't know that I'm someone who could sleep with a married man, someone who could cheat because she was so damn scared and needed..." CJ stopped herself, she had never intended to tell Simon about Marco. Her eyes widened, shocked at herself. He remained terrifyingly neutral. "I needed you!" She admitted, hiding her face, her sobs racking through her small body. Simon reached out to still her and with a finger on her chin, brought her face back up to his.

"CJ?"

"In Dayton, Marco... the reunion." His hand fell away from her face in shock, his jaw slackened and he gaped at her in disbelief. CJ swallowed hard and squeezed her eyes shut, unable to look at Simon, guilt rushed up and consumed her completely. She hated that she began to shake, and to her surprise he very suddenly took her back into his arms. He held her tight to him, crushing her against his chest as if holding onto her could keep him together. He was trying desperately to process all of what she had told him. His chest was heaving, CJ could hear his laboured breaths as he tried to maintain control. He was surprised just how much it hurt physically. The ache in his chest and the squeeze in his throat seemed to sting and stab more than any bullet, more than anything he had ever put himself through in his army days. His eyes burned with hot tears and she still shook in his arms.

He heard her whispered apologies, over and over. It occurred to him that he was probably scaring her and that seemed to reach through the pain and he pulled back from the emotional edge he was walking. CJ felt him relax his grip on her and gingerly rest his cheek against the top of her head. With wide, eyes she cautiously moved her head to rest in the crook of his neck.

They stood in that embrace for what must have been ten minutes. They held one another tenderly as thoughts ran wild, each trying desperately to see a way through – a way forward. Simon kept his arms about her, his strength returning, and she found herself clinging to his shirt as if letting go meant that she would fall. He wanted to tell her it was all going to be alright, that he could find it in himself to forgive her but finding the words was proving harder than he had ever imagined. She needed to tell him that she never meant to hurt him, but somehow in the light of everything, that sentiment seemed inadequate and cliché.

"That girl is... brash, she's afraid, insecure, lonely..." CJ spoke clearly, her forehead barely still resting against his neck. Simon took a deep breath, his tone was soft and staggeringly warm.

"She's also considerate, brave, strong... and she's loved, CJ." She leant back as his embrace loosened once again, her breath caught as she saw that there was nothing but sincerity in his eyes. The hurt had been pushed away, he was being a martyr for her, and she didn't know whether to be grateful or downright ashamed that she had pushed him that far.

"You?"

"I can deal with that girl, she's part of the you I know, the you I love."

"Why are you so..."

"So?"

"You must be angry." He nodded and looked away:

"I should have been there."

"It wasn't your fault!" Simon snorted. It wasn't his fault, but it didn't make him feel any better. He knew CJ, he knew that no matter how much she had apparently changed, some of those impulses had remained in her.

"You needed me."

"I... yes. I did but that's no excuse." They both knew she wasn't just talking about that February weekend. CJ had needed Simon in a way she had not been willing to admit, it had been the last barrier between them and realising that, Simon smiled. It wasn't an excuse for the way she had acted, it wasn't a justification, it was just the genuine truth and it was more soothing to both of them than any sort apology could ever be. For her to shout that she needed him because she was defending her actions was one thing, but this heart felt admission of her need seemed to go some way towards repairing the tear in his worn heart.

"I need you – I love you so much it scares me Simon! I'm so damn scared of losing you. I don't want to lose you like I'm losing him..." All this, Simon had been right to think, went back to the torture that was the 'long goodbye'. His heart tugged and his embrace tightened.

"CJ, shhh... I'm here." He kissed her forehead, "I'll always be here."

End.