Chapter 9: Numb

It was morning, and it had happened, although it all seemed so blurry now. Had I been drunk, no I don't think so. All I knew was that I had done it with Jack, and for the first time in a while, I had felt wanted, I had felt loved. It hadn't been my first time, far from it actually. Kai had been my first, that time I will never forget, but from then on in the city, it all spiraled downward, but let's not get into that. It was now morning, maybe even into the afternoon, and the sun showed clearly through the shades.

"Jack," I mumbled, pulling the sheets around me.

"Jack?" I said again. He wasn't next to me, where he had been sleeping not but a few hours ago. I wrapped the blanket around my naked body and stepped onto the cold wooden floor, peeking into the kitchen.

"Jack…" I called out again. He wasn't here. He wasn't anywhere. What the hell was going on? Tears started to form in my eyes, but I sucked them back in, refusing to let this affect me. I was used to being taken advantage of, but for some reason, this time hurt. Last night, when he kissed me, there was something there, and when he touched my arm with his soft hand, it sent waves through my entire body. And then, when he had told me he loved me, I believed him. Now I wish I wouldn't have.

I cringed at my own stupidity, and angrily pulled on my clothes. Not bothering to put on those annoying heels. I stepped out the front door, and slammed it behind me. I must have looked quite stupid with my fancy black dress on in the middle of the day, but I was too angry to care.

As I walked down the dirt road back toward the vineyard, I noticed the mayor's wife running from the forest, a bunch of herbs in her arms. She looked frantic, and her eyes were red as though she had been crying. I was curious.

"Excuse me, but what's wrong?" I asked, trying to be as polite as possible, and not to let my anger show through. She seemed startled.

"It's my daughter, I'm sorry, something terrible has happened, I must go …" she said, tears now spilling from her eyes. Her daughter… Mary. What could have happened? I ran back to the house and quickly changed my clothes, and then ran back to town to find out what was going on. It seemed deserted, and only Lillia stood diligently watering her flowers.

"Lillia, what happened to Mary?" I asked, almost feeling concerned about the girl. Truthfully, I hadn't much liked the girl, but I also never got to know her.

"You haven't heard? Last night she had a miscarriage, and after losing the baby, the mayor says she tried to commit suicide, by slitting her wrists. She's at the midwife's right now, and has to go to the city, as soon as possible. They say she almost died," Lillia said, shaking her head. I couldn't believe it. After bidding Lillia thanks, I ran toward the midwife's house. I ran around the corner, and someone grabbed me by the arm. As I came to a stop I noticed that it was Jack who was holding onto me. I ripped my arm away from him.

"Where the hell did you go this morning? Think you can just do that to me, tell me you love me and then leave!" I screamed at him, starting to walk away. He grabbed my arm and pulled me into a more secluded area.

"Stop it Karen. Don't make a scene, not here, not now. I didn't mean to leave you alone this morning, but I had to go help Mary. Someone told me she had requested to see me, and I couldn't just leave her alone. I'm really sorry. I don't have much time right now so just let me explain everything," he said.

"You don't have much time?" I asked, my head was spinning with confusion.

"I'm going with Mary, to the city," he said.

"What? After what happened last night, you're just… just… going to leave me?" I said, my words were catching in my throat.

"Karen," he said, taking my hand in both of his. "Remember when I told you the baby was Harris'? Well it wasn't, it was mine. I still love her Karen, I don't think I've ever not loved her. Karen I care for you, a lot, and I would never want to hurt you like this, but I have to help Mary, she needs me, more than you do."

I looked at him, right into his eyes, and shook my head in disbelief. I wasn't going to cry. I had cried to much since the day I had returned here, and I wasn't going to let it happen again. As I looked into Jack's eyes, I knew that he was being sincere. Who was I to stop him from being with the one he loved, even if it wasn't me. Mary needed him.

"Just go Jack…" I said, dropping my head toward the dirt. He squeezed my hand, and kissed my cheek. It felt like a sting. He turned and walked the other way. I turned around, and walked back on through town. The wind had now picked up, and I could still hear the commotion down the road.

Now I knew how Kai felt, just being left, alone, losing someone you thought you loved. But I didn't love Jack, the feeling wasn't there. Maybe given more time, I could have grown to love him, but last night, I think I had just felt alone for too long.

I walked back up the road to the vineyard. All of a sudden, I felt tired. It seemed as though my legs would just give out from under me, and my head felt heavy. I opened the door to my house and walked up to my room, and as I pulled the covers from my bed I sighed, letting all the air escape from my body. I lay down under my covers, and closed my eyes. I felt unloved, unwanted, used, and betrayed, all the emotions sweeping through my body. I hated it. All I wanted right now was to not feel anything at all, to be emotionless, not letting anything hurt me. All I wanted was to feel numb.