Chapter 10: All The Little Things

After that morning, I didn't leave my room for that entire afternoon and a good part of the next day. I sulked. It was the only way I could find of dealing with my loss. My loss, yet another to add to my list. I didn't get it… I couldn't understand why all this was happening to me.

"Where are you now goddess?" I cried out, thumping my head against the back wall. The tears streamed from my eyes. "Where are you now…?"

As a child, my mother had taken me to church every Sunday. While there I had always been taught that if you believed and relied on the Harvest Goddess, she would help you with whatever you needed. My mother had told me that the Goddess watched over us all, and I believed her. Maybe that was my first mistake, relying on a mythological being for my every need. If I was to survive, I was to do it on my own, even if that meant hiding myself away until I felt like I could survive.

I pulled the covers over my head and closed my eyes, hoping to sleep off this intolerable headache. Maybe if I was lucky I would wake up and find that this had all been a dream, and I would be back in the city. But I knew that couldn't be true, for my heart hurt far too much for this to be a dream… It hurt too much to even be a nightmare.

"Look at the moon… have you ever seen it so big?" I asked as I ran my hands up and down my arms. He wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled me in closer to him. I lay my head on his chest and looked up to the star filled sky and smiled.

"No… I can't say I have," he whispered as he knelt his chin on the top of my head, stroking my hair softly as he took my hand in his.

"Where were you today?" I questioned curiously, looking up into his eyes.

"I went to the forest and made an offering to the Goddess," he said calmly, still staring at the sky.

"Why? Most of the villagers only do that in times of distress, hoping that just maybe there is some celestial being that will make all their problems go away…" I sighed. I didn't have much faith in the Goddess, for she never seemed to be able to make these bruises disappear.

"I prayed. I prayed that your father realize what he is doing, and I prayed that you are able to forgive him. I prayed for the vineyard, that it might possibly bring a good harvest next year. I prayed for you Karen… I prayed for us. I know you've had it tough, I've watched you fall so many times, and it's hard not being able to do anything. But that's why you must," he said, placing a soft kiss upon my lips, holding me tightly in his arms.

"There's nothing I can do," I replied, dropping my head to the ground. He picked my chin up and looked me right in the eyes and smiled.

"You can pray Karen. You can believe that everything is going to be alright. You have to have faith. Have faith in me, I want above all else to make you happy. Have faith in us, that we'll make it through all this. Have faith in yourself. Karen, you are like that star," he said, pointing off to the north, at the brightest star in the sky. "The north star Karen, without you, I would be lost."

I grinned at him, and placed another kiss on his lips.

"You know Kai, even though I don't seem to have much faith in the Goddess, I find myself wishing to her for the things I desire. Before you came, when he would hit me, I would hope and pray and wish for a way out. I would wish that she would send me a boat so I could escape from this place, and never look back. I wished that she would save me. And she did… she did save me. But she sent me no boat or ticket to get away. She sent me something far better than that… she sent me you."

"Kai…" I whispered. But he was gone. All that was left was the memories of us, memories that would only come to me in my dreams, and haunt me until the day I died. I choked back my tears, and pulled myself out of bed. The sun shone brightly outside, but was only to be masked once again as I pulled the curtains shut.

I walked to my mirror. My eyes were reddened and my skin was pale. I pulled back my hair out of my face. I looked horrible, like a monster that hadn't seen the daylight for years. Maybe today I would go out, just maybe. As I got ready, I felt some energy returning to my body for the first time, and it felt good.

"Karen… it's good to see you. I made eggs, it's not much but I can cook you up some pancakes or sausage if you'd like," my mother said genially as I walked down the stairs into the main room. It was wonderful seeing her happy, and I think she was happy to see me.

"Eggs are fine," I replied seating myself at the table. She placed a plate in front of me, and I meekly picked at the food. I still didn't seem to have much of an appetite.

"Are you alright dear?" my mother asked with a worried look on her face. After not appearing once from my room for nearly two days, I could see why she was worried.

"I'm fine," and for the first time in a while, I actually did feel fine. Not great, but fine. There was a knock at the door. My mother walked from the kitchen, gave me a kiss on the top of me head, and turned to answer the door as I finished off my eggs. After a few quiet mumbling, my mother returned to the kitchen.

"There is someone outside for you," she said quietly with a smile on her face.

"I don't want to talk to anyone, not yet…" I replied, swallowing a sip of water.

"This is no one you will regret seeing dear, just go out and talk to him," she said looking out the kitchen window. Him… I wanted nothing to do with a boy right now, but I trusted my mother. I grabbed my winter jacket and headed out the front door.

Outside there was boy my age, with golden brown hair and a fuzzy fleece jacket staring at the ground.

"Cliff?" I questioned, a smile appearing on my face. My mother was right, this was someone I would not regret seeing. I loved Cliff with all my heart, and for a cousin that lived so close, I felt like I hadn't seen him in forever. He looked up from the ground and took a nervous step forward.

"Hey Karen," he said, kicking up some dirt with his foot. I still stood on the front porch, looking down at the nervous boy with a funny expression on my face.

"What's the matter? Can't even talk to your own cousin now?" I laughed. I walked up to him and hugged him. He returned the embrace and smiled.

"I haven't seen you in a while Karen. Well… I saw you at Ann's little surprise party, but I haven't really talked to you since you left the first time. How are things?" He asked, with a genuine look of concern on his face.

"They're hard… but getting better," I replied.

"That's good to hear. Hey Karen, would you mind just talking a walk with me, I need to talk to someone. I know this is out of the blue, and probably a bad time but…"

"It's fine, let's go," I replied, and we started a walk down the vineyard path towards the forest.

"Now what's on your mind?"

"It's just Ann, no not really Ann, I have no problem with Ann… it's just the whole thing. Getting married… being a dad! It's a lot to handle at one time, you know?"

"No I wouldn't know actually. But don't worry so much about it. I mean, I know it's going to be a big change for you, and I'm sure the fact you are going to be a dad is scary, but Cliff, you will be an amazing dad. And Ann loves you so much, you two will be perfect."

We continued to walk through the forest, by the carpenter's house, and up into the springs. We talked about life while I was gone, and the future, and how things have changed for better and for worse. It was nice having someone to talk to, especially someone neutral and loving like my cousin. He had always been level headed, maybe from spending his whole life fending for himself. Even after his aunt, my mother, had offered him a home to live in when he wandered to Flowerbud, he chose to stay out and live on his own, and I admired him for it. He was strong, and I could learn from him. The sun was slowly setting in the west, but I felt like there was something I still needed to finish before the day ended.

"Cliff, will you do me a favor?" I asked him. He nodded his head.

"I'd do anything for you, you've helped me so much today, thank you." He said smiling, taking my hands in his.

"Will you come pray with me… to the Harvest Goddess?" I asked meekly.

"I thought you didn't believe…" he said.

"I didn't think I did either… but there's nothing else I can do," I replied.

"Of course I will come." We walked past the carpenter's house and seated ourselves in the back forest, just over the bridge. It was beautiful here as the fireflies started to come out from hiding, and the moon came up in the night sky. It was the same place I had seen in my dream… the dream that hurt so much to remember, but showed me something that I would have never thought of on my own. Cliff and I sat in silence… and I prayed, and Cliff stayed with me. Even as the tears started to spill from my eyes, he held me and comforted me, and when it was time to go home, he led me back.

"Thank you so much Cliff, for coming with me and keeping me company, I'm really lucky to have a cousin like you, and Ann is lucky to have you as a husband," I smiled. We said our goodbyes, and I pulled open the door to my home.

"You're just in time for dinner." My mother said as she lit a candle on the table. It smelled delicious. As I seated myself at the table, and said grace, I realized that I still had something to be thankful for. I had Cliff, my cousin, and my mother. I had my family.