A/N: This is for Monster of Cookies who "won" this drabble by doing the facebook ducklings a huge favor and helping "cleaning up" our member-list. She wanted a sequel to "The Purrfect Spy" (drabble 169 in this collection) so here it is!
Please don't take this story seriously, though. Don't look for deeper meanings, character insight/ development/IC-ness or canon-ess… because you will only hurt yourself.
This also doubles as the April's Fool's drabble of this year, but for once I'm not trying to trick YOU… ;)
The Purrfect Spy 2: Are You Man Or... Cat?
Robin was not quite sure how to react. He had woken up with a naked man in his bed, sleeping soundly on top of the covers, somewhat curled up. He had even called Speedy just to make sure he wasn't dreaming, but for some reason his friend had just laughed and didn't believe him. Well, Robin didn't believe his own eyes either, so… he rubbed said eyes through the mask he had put on before going to bed. Sometimes seconds counted so he tended to wear one, but he was wondering if this one was malfunctioning somehow.
The man was huge, with a terrific physique, that much was obvious. He had his back towards the teen so Robin couldn't see his face, but his hair was snow white. And here was the question; was he dangerous? Was he an enemy? Robin lived in a world where portals to other dimensions seemed to pop up all the time, so having weird visitors now and then was almost the norm. Also, of course, there were aliens, teleportation… the way the man just slept didn't exactly scream "danger", after all, so the hero didn't want to just attack him. Especially while just wearing his underwear.
The man then stretched slightly, clearly about to wake up, leaving the teen forced to make an decision. He decided to do nothing, for now, and just try to remain calm.
Slade stifled a yawn and turned his head around. Robin was staring at him, for some reason. Maybe the young man didn't remember that they had picked up a cat yesterday?
Robin gaped when he saw that the man was missing an eye. It didn't take long to put two and two together; yesterday a cat with a missing eye had fallen asleep on his bed. This morning a naked man with a missing eye had woken up on it.
"Um… Hulk?" he said, calling the man by the nickname they had given him.
"What?" the man replied and then the two just stared at each other, seemingly frozen.
Slade didn't become aware that he was human again until he suddenly heard himself speak. After that it seemed like he picked up on everything at once. He was unmasked. He was naked. He was in Robin's bed. Robin knew who he was. The last thing was clear by the teen's face.
The Titan had thought the man was some kind of shape shifter… until he opened his mouth. The voice, even just that short, single word, made another set of clues click in position; the man's build, the missing eye on the right side… and the pieces had formed another picture.
"SLADE?!"
The man might as well still been a cat, judging by the way he pounced. Robin didn't stand a chance as he was pinned down on his bed, the naked man on top of him, pressing a hand over his mouth.
"No need to panic, Robin," he said, something the hero didn't agree with at all. He had EVERY reason to panic, and panic a lot! He was still a fighter, however, and the man was quite a bit more… vulnerable… than usual. A swift knee upwards and the villain let go of him with a pained grunt as his body automatically curled in on itself. Even Robin winced as he fled towards the door to warn his team.
A hand caught his ankle before he could really get out of bed, however, making him fall face down onto the floor. Thanks to his quick reflexes he was able to grab his communicator from the pile made up of his boots, gloves and belt which he had dropped next to the bed last night.
"Titans! Slade is in my bedroom!" he called out over all frequencies, not bothering with niceties. He didn't get the reaction he was hoping for, though.
"Good one, man," he heard Cyborg chuckle.
"Aw, it's too early! I've not even done MINE yet!" Beast Boy's voice complained next.
Robin stared at the communicator. Done his what?
"We're not going to fall for any of yours anyway, BB," Raven replied dryly.
"Oh yes, that was a fine one! I also have one! Look at all the winged Goorlacks outside the window!" came Starfire's merry voice.
"What are you talking about?! Slade is in my room!" Robin insisted as he tried to kick the man in question away.
"Dude, you should give it up as soon as we call it!" the changeling snorted.
At that moment Slade reached the com and turned it off.
"Forgot about April's Fools, Robin?" the man chuckled. "Seems your friends were ready for outrageous claims like me being in your bedroom. Do you often joke about that, I wonder? What might that mean…?"
"Damn!" Robin growled when he realized why his friends had reacted so oddly. Slade seemed to have recovered fully already, which was strange but confirmed a few suspicions Robin had about the man. The teen was being dragged back on top of the bed and despite his struggles he soon found himself pinned again. This time his knees as well, and he couldn't as much as budge.
"Well, this is an interesting situation…" Slade hummed.
"You are aware I can see your junk?" Robin asked, hoping to shame the man into covering himself. It turned out he didn't know Slade that well.
"Yes, that's quite a treat for you, isn't it?" the man smirked, not making any attempt to cover up. Not that he was the kind of person who walk around naked on a daily basis, he had the same sense of propriety as most other people, but he also knew how to prioritize, and his nakedness was less important than letting the boy under him alert his friends. "Look as much as you want."
"Go to hell!"
"But we recently got back?"
"You were a cat!"
"Well, that was random. Yes. I was."
"Why?"
"Because I've always wanted to be able to lick my own balls," the man deadpanned.
"Nice try."
"No, not very."
"Heh, tasted bad?" the teen smirked.
"No, I meant that it wasn't a good attempt at a believable reason."
"Meaning they tasted good, then?" the teen's smirk had only grown.
"Want to have a lick yourself?" the man growled. Maybe clothes helped because Robin didn't seem as intimidated as he wanted him to be. After that reply the teen turned an rather unattractive shade of red, however, and finally shut up. "Good," the man nodded. "Now, let's see… as you're not screaming your head off, I'm going to assume that the walls are pretty much soundproof." The displeased look on Robin's face told Slade that he was right. "I also assume that you don't want your friends to be hurt," he added, and smirked as he saw a shadow of fear cross the hero's features. "No, you really don't want that… I, on the other hand, have things I don't want to happen. I don't want to have to fight all your friends without any weapons, if I can help it."
"And naked," the teen blurted out.
"You seem very focused on that detail. Might I remind you that you're not wearing much either? Besides, your underwear slid down a bit while you were crawling around on the floor," Slade said, like the teen had done that of his free will.
"You looked!?"
"Pretty hard to avoid from that angle. Pretty ass too, by the way, but that's hardly the point here. The point is that if you don't want that ass, and those of your friends, hurt, you're going to do as I say."
Robin was seething in a mix of outrageous anger and mind numbing embarrassment. There was also fear for his friends mixed in, however, so he ended up nodding.
"What do you want, then?" he growled.
"Well, firstly," Slade said and shifted his grip so he was holding both of Robin's wrists in only one hand, "If you try to kick me again, I will pay you back," he promised, grabbing the hero's crotch.
Robin yelped as the hand closed firmly over that area, squeezing it.
"S-stop it! Let go!" he begged, his voice quite a lot higher than usual.
"I just want to make sure I rub it in," the man smirked, but then felt something that made him pause. He glanced down at the teen's crotch like he wasn't sure what he was feeling. "Oh." he then added in realization.
"Please…?" the teen was blushing furiously now and tears of embarrassment were stinging his eyes.
"Oh, don't worry about it. Perfectly normal," the man chuckled, but actually had the decency to let go of the hero's hardening member, which began to deflate again as soon as the stimulation stopped.
"Do me a favor and just kill me?" Robin muttered.
"I could, but that would still leave me naked and unarmed in a house full of Titans," Slade shrugged. "Now, first you are going to find me something to wear."
"How am I going to do that, you're not going to fit into anything of mine!" the teen growled.
"No, but you have a big friend. Get me something of the cyborg's, I know he has some clothes he wears around town when he doesn't' want to be spotted. But Robin?"
"Yeah?" the hero asked, having perked up at the idea of being let out of the room. Slade was as good as in jail. He was brought back to earth by hand closing around his throat merely, it seemed, to get his attention.
"I know what's going on in that busy little mind of yours, but if you sound the alarm, if you even as much as hint that I'm here, I won't hold back. Who knows, five against me, unarmed, unprotected, you might even win," the man continued, but didn't sound like he believed that for even a second, "but your team won't get away unharmed… and if I only break their arms or legs they are lucky. Understood?"
"Understood," Robin muttered.
"The laundry room is only a few doors down. Go there. If you're not back in two minutes, I'll come after you all."
Robin didn't think it was fair that a naked Slade still could be that intimidating. He glared at him. "I need to get dressed."
"Then do, but hurry. I'll start counting the seconds now."
The teen opened his mouth to object but he could almost hear the countdown and hurried to his wardrobe instead. He just pulled on a par of tights and his green short-sleeved shirt, leaving the rest and hurried out the door. Where he ran straight into Cyborg.
"Hey man, good joke," the older teen said jovially.
"Um, yeah, thanks, I'm… in a hurry…" Robin said.
"'Kay. Waffle's up for breakfast, when you're done. But Rob?"
"Yeah?"
"Slade being in your bedroom? That was a bit much, you know… I mean, yeah, I remember when you said you'd rather take a shower with Slade than with Kitten, but-"
"I-! I- I didn't mean-!" Robin stuttered glancing at the door which was still partly open.
"Hey, that was 'Truth or Dare', so you better not have lied," the other teen pretended to chastise him.
"I…" Robin kind of snapped. He couldn't let Slade get away, especially not after hearing that. "That's it, we're all gonna die…" he sighed and then pointed at the door. "Slade IS IN MY BEDROOM!"
"Oh, come ON, it IS getting old!" Cyborg sighed.
"HE IS! IT'S NOT A JOKE!"
"Fine, I'll fall for it, but he better not be naked…" the teen grinned and opened the door fully. "Oh, yes, Slade is here alright," he continued. "Although I guess he's hiding in the closet," he continued and went to open that. Empty. As was the room. "There? Happy? Oh, hi, Hulk!" the metal teen said to the large orange cat sitting on the bed and then patted its head. "Who's a good kitty? Is our Robin a bit silly today? Yes he is! Yes he is!" Cyborg then chuckled and left, closing the door after him and leaving Robin staring at it, gaping.
"What… I… but…" he turned around only to see a naked Slade lounging on his bed with a smirk on his face. "AAH! DON'T DO THAT! HOW DID YOU DO THAT?!"
"Damned if I know," the man shrugged.
"Wait, how did you turn into a cat in the first place? And why?" Robin asked, the danger he probably was in forgotten for the moment as his curiosity took over.
"Oh, just a DNA-changing serum," the man shrugged.
"Yes, those things keep lying around, no big deal…" Robin deadpanned. "Am I dreaming?" he added and went up to the man, poking his chest just to make sure he was really there. "But why? Oh… wait… I know why…" the teen then grinned cockily up at the villain. "Our improved security system! Really, Slade? You got that desperate? It's been fun watching you try to crack it for the last couple of weeks… that robot you sent…? Pathetic. I personally enjoyed melting that one-agh!" It was hard to continue talking a large hand was squeezing your throat.
"Are you quite done?" Slade growled. Robin, whose toes barely touched the floor, couldn't really reply. "Good." Slade let him go as the boy was turning slightly blue.
Robin coughed and drew a couple of deep breaths, backing away as he did so. Then something the man had said popped into his mind.
"Did… did you say you don't know how you turned back?" he asked.
"Just a little glitch, I'm sure."
"A little glitch? In your DNA?" The teen stared at the man as if he was crazy. "Was it supposed to do this? How long was it supposed to last?"
"Twenty-four hours."
"And has it been that long?"
"No."
"Then… something went wrong? Maybe you'll turn into a big puddle of sludge?"
"Don't sound so hopeful, Robin."
"I'm just worried about explaining the stain on my carpet," the teen muttered.
"Not the only stain in here, I'm sure."
"Shut up!"
"How about you telling me a bit more about that shower you would like to take with me?" the man asked sweetly. "No? Very well, I'm going to go spend some time with your friends then. After all, you did disobey me."
"No!" Robin cried out but suddenly he was grabbed and thrown to the opposite end of the room, crashing into the wall there. When he looked up the door was open and the man was gone.
"LOOK OUT! Slade is-!" he yelled as he rushed into the common room where the Titans were happily having breakfast.
"Dude, what's wrong with you today?" Beast Boy groaned.
"But-! He's… He… You didn't see him?"
"We did not see Slade. Are you having the hallucinations again?" Starfire asked. Starfire, who Robin then saw, was feeding a certain cat whipped cream from her plate. The black-haired hero thought he could see the feline smile as he slowly, almost obscenely, licked the treat off her fingers. Of course. Slade hadn't wanted to fight his team before, so why would he change his mind now?
"Waffles?" Raven offered, gesturing to the plate they had set out for him.
"Um… Yeah…" Robin sat down only to see a very friendly Slade pushing his head against the alien… or, rather, against her… chest. The cat more or less buried his head between the girl's boobs, while she giggled and petted him back.
"No cats on the table!" Robin called out and quickly snatched the feline up and dropped him unceremoniously on the floor.
"Hey, that was a bit mean…?" Cyborg said.
"They can… carry diseases…" Robin said, trying not to smirk down at the cat whose tail had poofed out in annoyance. The teen loathed any kind of animal cruelty, of course, but he couldn't help fantasizing about a sack and a couple of heavy rocks. "That reminds me, I found his owner online! Better take him back right now!" he said and shot up from the chair again, without touching his breakfast.
"Want a ride?" Cyborg asked.
"No, I'm good, it's not far!" Robin answered quickly wanting his team as far away from the dangerous man as he could. The hero picked up the cat again, wincing as he expected to be clawed half to death, but Slade merely pressed his claws slightly against the teen's skin, as a warning, a reminder of what he could do. "I'm getting you out of here like you wanted, okay? Just be a nice kitt- OW!"
Robin dropped the cursed cat right inside the threshold to his room and then turned to push the panel that closed the door. He turned back and stood nose-to-chest with the man again.
"Ah! I told you to stop that!"
"You should have expected it by now. Why are you so upset, Robin? Is it about Starfire?"
"You just keep your paws off her! Literally!"
"Aw, you're jealous. Haven't been allowed to feel her up yet?"
"I don't want to 'feel her up'!" the teen spat.
Slade actually looked a bit taken aback by that, but then smirked. "Ah, of course. That's why you preferred to shower with me instead of that little blonde ditz. Maybe you should change your uniform to include all the colors of the rainbow? Wouldn't be such a bit step…"
Robin had had enough and let his fist fly. Unfortunately Slade stopped it just before it hit his nose.
"Tsk-tsk… so cranky… and here I was thinking of offering to teach you a thing or two."
"You can't teach me anything!" Robin hissed, more out of habit than anything else.
Slade pulled the teen flush against his naked body so quickly that some of the air left Robin's lungs as he collided with the man's chest. "Are you sure?" The man's voice had changed, going even deeper. The teen had always thought his tone was suggestive, but now it was positively dripping with the promises of… something very forbidden, but also very, very good.
"I-" Robin began, but the man's lips on his stopped him. The hero wanted to believe that he had intended to say something proud, noble and devastating to the man's ego, but the truth was probably rather more pathetic.
Things happened very quickly. Robin felt himself being lifted off his feet and then he was suddenly on his bed, the man still kissing him and now pushing his shirt up as well. The hero reluctantly had to admit that, yes, he had been kissing back −quite enthusiastically− but he wasn't sure how far he was willing to go with this craziness… No matter how amazing it felt. He steeled himself and pushed at the man's shoulders. Then he had to bite down on his tongue, just to show that he was serious.
"Slade, stop!" he gasped as the man finally drew back a little.
"Why?"
It was a simple question, but Robin didn't have a really good answer. "Because… because you're a villain!"
"Yes, but that's not an STD, Robin, you won't catch it from me," the man said dryly.
"No, but… Wait, how am I going to be able to fight you if we… if we..?"
"Tell you what… as an incentive; if you fight me and win… you'll have a lot of very pleasurable conjugal visits to look forward to."
"I'm not legal!"
"Neither am I."
"What? No, I didn't mean- you're-"
"Shh. Come up with something better or let me fuck you," the man half scolded him, half chuckled.
"I… got nothing…" Robin blinked.
"Don't worry... I'll give it to you," the man smirked and then kissed his chest.
As the hero completely failed at coming up with better reasons even though he, after a while, presented the 'you're too big' reason, which was overruled, they stayed in Robin's room until late in the afternoon.
"I… guess I need to get you out…" the teen mumbled, not really having found his breath yet after the last round.
"Quite the opposite of what we've been doing for the last few hours," the man smirked.
"Shut up, I'll-" The teen became quiet when there was a knock on his door. "Shit!" he said and leaped out of the bed, pulling on his tights and shirt in record time. He opened the door a little, knowing Slade would have turned into Hulk by now, and tried to look innocent.
"Yes, Cyborg, what is it?"
"Just worried about you man, you've been locked away the whole day."
"Oh, sorry, yeah, I just got a headache… maybe a cold coming on… thought it was best to rest…" Robin lied.
"Good… started think Slade really was in your bedroom," the other ten grinned.
"Nope, just Hulk," Robin grinned back and slid the door open wider so Cyborg could see. "Haven't taken him back yet… you know… headache… will do it now, though."
"…"
"What?" Robin looked up at his friend, who had a very weird expression on his face.
"Man…?"
"Yes?"
"There's a… man…"
"Wha-" Robin spun around and yes, Slade was in his bed and he did not have a tail.
"Seems the time is up, I couldn't change back," the man just shrugged.
"SLADE'S IN ROBIN'S BEDROOM!" Cyborg yelled.
"Dude!" Beast Boy yelled back from the common room. "Not you too!"
The End
A/N: well, the original story had this kind of ending, so why not the sequel? ;) And I TOLD you not to take it seriously so no muttering about the likeliness of any of this happening, kay? ;)