Remus was the only one up when the owl arrived. He was always awake now. Sleep brought nightmares, replays of the horror he had watched from that damned apartment in Diagon Alley. Gwen's body collapsed over and over in his mind; her golden hair lit harshly by that green light as it flew up behind her. He'd rather just stay awake.

The rapping on his window caused Remus to look up from the red armchair he was slumped in. He stood reluctantly and let the owl in. It flew to the unmade bed, dropped the paper, and strutted impatiently as Remus dug out the money to pay him. He unceremoniously threw the money onto the bed from his place at the large desk in the corner of the room. The owl clucked at him angrily, but picked up the coins in his beak and flew off. Remus looked at the paper sitting on his bed. He really didn't want to read it. He walked over to the bed to pick up the paper and take it downstairs for Abigail. It had fallen open, the front page visible. Remus couldn't help but see the headline.

High-Ranking Minstry Officials and Entire Family Killed

His jaw dropped open as he read the beginning of the article:

Basil and Oriel Meadowes, two powerful officials in the Department of International Magical Cooperation and strong allies of department head Lester Lawrence, were killed late last night along with their son, Milton; daughter-in-law, Urania; and grandson, Wirt. Their younger daughter's whereabouts are unknown. It is possible that Dorcas Meadowes, an intern at the ministry, escaped the attack but authorities have advised friends and loved ones not to hold out much hope. The dark mark was discovered over the Meadowes' home by neighbor and close family friend, Gideon Prewett. He is resolved to finding the last member of the family. "I know Dorcas is alive. I will not give up until I find her," he remarked.

Remus saw that the rest of the article examined all of the possible motives for killing the Meadoweses: their political decisions, Milton's prominence as a Quidditch player. There were a few more quotes from Prewett. Remus didn't need to read it. He burst out of his room and, breathlessly, ran down the hall to Sirius' room.

"Sirius," he knocked hard on the door. "Sirius, you have to read this." He continued to rap on the door until he heard a waking Sirius grumble. It sounded like he was whispering something. This was not the time for him to start talking to himself.

"SIRIUS," he boomed.

The door opened a crack and a bleary-eyed Sirius clad in pajama bottoms stuck his head out.

"What is it?" he asked in a gravely voice, rubbing his head.

Remus took a breath and held up the paper. "It's Dorcas," he said raggedly. Sirius ripped the paper from his hands; his face suddenly waking up. His gray eyes flicked through the article and grew wide with shock and a hint of comprehension. Remus noticed that he glanced over his shoulder at something. As Sirius finished up the article, Remus noticed something moving behind him. Sirius turned around completely and Remus caught his breath as he saw her walk up behind the black-haired man clad in only an old tee-shirt and knickers.

Sirius embraced Dorcas tightly as the tears began to fill her eyes. Remus was disgusted with himself, but was sure a wave of jealousy had just surged through him. Dorcas' head fell on Sirius' shoulder and he stroked her hair as her body shook with sobs and Remus walked back to his room; conflicting emotions overtaking him.

"Why didn't you just tell me, Dorcas?" he asked; kissing a tear from her cheek.

She paused, looking down at their intertwined hands with water clinging to her black lashes. "It was just that…I...didn't know how I ended up here. I was upstairs in my room and I heard them burst in and my parents and Milton and Urania screaming." She clenched her eyes shut and Sirius let go of one hand to pull her to him. She swallowed hard and kept talking. "And I knew I had to do something, I knew I had to go down and help, but when I went into the hallway, I heard them laughing." Her head fell into his chest and her breathing quickened. He smoothed her hair and wrapped his other arm around her back. "Cackling, really. Talking about what a lark it was to kill my nephew." she spat angrily and tears slipped from her eyes. Sirius scowled and muttered something about evil bastards. "And then I saw them climbing the stairs. Rosier was there. He was the first one I saw. Trouble was he saw me too." Sirius tightened his grip around her protectively as she sniffed up her tears. Her hands rested in fists against his chest. "He sneered at me just like he did that night. I was so angry that I was just about to kill him, but then some tall blond man walked up behind him and saw me too. They smiled at each other and all I could do was run. I shut myself in the bedroom and tried desperately to think of a place where I could apparate. But I couldn't clear my mind. I couldn't get a picture of anything. Then the door burst open," her voice cracked and she seemed to collapse a little. Sirius helped her to the edge of the bed where he sat next to her with his arms as tightly around her as possible. She swallowed again. "Rosier shouted a curse at me and I felt the cut across my shoulder. Somehow I managed to apparate before anyone else attacked me. I didn't know what I was doing, where I was going. I was sure I would splice myself and they would kill me. And then, I was here. And there you were." She looked up at him; trembling lips and water-filled eyes. Then, almost sadly, she whispered. "It was the best thing I've ever seen in my life."

"Dorcas," he whispered, letting a hand caress her face, wipe away her tears. She closed her eyes and more tears streamed down her face. Sirius pulled her to his chest and buried his head in her hair. He gently rocked her as she cried; pain and fear but mostly rage building up inside of him. When it seemed that she had nothing left, she sat up and smiled sadly at him, cupping his cheek in her hand and exploring his eyes.

Sirius put his own hand on top of hers and dove into her dark eyes, feeling his emotions soften. Absent mindedly, he traced her features; running a thumb across her dark eyebrows, the line between them, her cheekbones, her lips. She kissed the pad of his thumb and he let it slide down her chin and stroked her jaw line with his forefinger, his fingertips resting on the side of her neck.

"I love you," he said quietly.

Dorcas' eyes immediately filled up again, she bit her lip and looked down, shaking her head. "You weren't supposed to say that," she sobbed. "Not now."

Sirius tipped her head back up so that she looked him in the eye. "Why not?" he asked.

She clenched her eyes shut painfully and then swallowed, throwing back her head and huffing.

"In June, I thought this was done, Sirius," she sniffed, her eyes still shut. "I thought I'd never see you again. So," she took a breath and opened her eyes. "I moved on."

Sirius sat up a little straighter and as he backed away, his hand fell from under Dorcas' chin. "You moved on?" The anger was invading his voice, "you mean there's someone else?"

Reluctantly, she nodded.

"Well, just drop him then."

Dorcas laughed mirthlessly and looked at him. "It's not that simple, Sirius. He's not Cade Bradley. This isn't some stupid thing. What I have with him is real, it's really good."

Sirius' fists clenched tightly and he growled slightly. He felt an intense pain in his chest and had difficulty breathing. "Who is he?" he demanded.

"You can't go fight with him, Sirius," she was sitting in a pose of feigned confidence. "I get to make the decision."

"And you're picking him?" Sirius spat angrily, his breathing sharp.

Dorcas sighed. "You have to understand, I care about him. He deserves…"

"Oh I understand Dorcas," Sirius shot up and began to pace the bedroom, occasionally turning to glare at her with vicious eyes. "All I've ever been to you is a crutch, a way out of whatever grief you happen to be feeling at the moment. You've used me from the beginning. I was just a good fuck. You never actually cared a jot for me, did you?"

She cried out with exasperation; her fists clenching and her nostrils flaring. "I loved you more than anything in the world, Sirius," she screamed back. "But you, you were a big fat bastard. Throwing that "I love you" at me the way you did. You broke my heart. I thought I would never be able to get over you. I waited for three months for you to owl me, find me, send me a smoke signal, ANYTHING! And he was there, waiting for me to get over you, waiting patiently while telling me how amazing I was and how I deserved someone who cared." She stood angrily and walked right up to a shocked Sirius. She yelled the last part in his face; her eyes flashing with rage and unwept tears. "And I woke up one day and I realized he was right. I deserve someone who thinks of a relationship as more than just another one of his many exploits. Someone who actually gives a fuck what happens to it. Especially now, I can't be with someone who hasn't thought about where the hell this thing will go. I can't be with someone who makes stupid, rash decisions and won't believe anyone who tells him they're ridiculous. It's too god-damned dangerous, Sirius."

Sirius' nostrils flared and he gritted his teeth. He tried to ignore that sharp pain in his chest as it built up. His gray eyes were dark and stormy as his breathing quickened and his body tightened. "Then why did you come here last night?"

"I told you, Sirius," she spat back. "I have no idea how I ended up here."

"Don't you think that proves that you care just a bit about me?" he threw his arms out violently.

Dorcas took a breath; pulling herself up to her full height. "I never said I didn't still love you, Sirius," she said quietly. Then she shook her head and violently pushed her hair out of her face. "But things with you are just….they're always so hard."

Sirius' jaw dropped and his eyes fell to the floor. He froze for a second. "So you'd rather be with someone who makes things easy?"

She paused, her mouth open, and then looked down at her feet. "I guess I would."

"Fine," he scoffed, storming back to the bed and waving an arm. "Go, he's probably worried shitless about you."

"Sirius," there were tears in her eyes. "I'm sorry. I wish…"

"Just get out, Dorcas," he said quietly, collapsing in the place where they had just spent the night together and letting his head fall into his hands.

She took a long look at him, mouth moving silently. "I do love him," she said, almost as an afterthought.

"Dorcas," he glared at her.

She nodded and a second later, with a pop, she was gone.

James' head had shown up in the fire later on that day. Sirius told him the entire story. James seemed rather concerned and wanted to prolong the conversation, but Sirius had told him to go back to his honeymoon. He would be fine. James obliged willingly. Sirius thought maybe Lily was in the room, pressing him to come back upstairs.

Sirius spent the next week flying his motorcycle around the country in an attempt to distract himself. He slept in random pubs and met countless women. He considered what had happened with Julia Connors, but came to the conclusion that the risk was what made this exciting. The drinking started up again. He started picking fights in bars. But nothing made the pain in Sirius' soul disappear. No matter how drunk he got, how many dangerous stunts he pulled, how many strange women he brought back to his shabby rooms, he just heard Dorcas repeating "you broke my heart."

He returned to Godric's Hollow the day Lily and James were coming back from their honeymoon. He was sporting more than a few cuts and a black eye he had received from an angry wizard whose girlfriend Sirius had tried to pick up in Surrey.

Remus seemed to have picked up a bit in the time that Sirius was gone. He had a bit more color and looked more rested. For once, the transformation must have helped a little; exhausting Remus to the point of dreamless sleep. Seeing Dorcas alive like that, however, had thrown him. And when Sirius had wrapped his arms around her, Remus had felt his stomach drop. For a millisecond, Remus was sure he finally had a friend who could understand his pain. But, of course, Sirius always got lucky like that. It was typical. It burned Remus inside.

When Sirius arrived at the house, Lily and James were already there. The four of them were sitting in the living room, sipping butterbeers. Lily and James were holding hands and smiling at each other every few seconds. They all sat up abruptly when Sirius came through the door. He raised his head in acknowledgement and put his duffle bag down in the hallway. Gringy immediately popped out of nowhere and sent it up the stairs.

"Alright, Sirius?" James asked, his brow furrowed.

"Fine," Sirius shrugged; collapsing in an armchair across from Remus. The other four in the room exchanged glances and sat back down.

"Siri…" Lily started; her eyes blinking nervously.

"For Merlin's sake," he yelled. "I'm fine. I got over her before, I'll do it again."

The room was permeated by a stunned silence. Lily and James dropped hands and everyone looked sheepishly at the floor.

"Sirius," Lily said quietly after a second; twisting her hands. "How was your holiday?"

Sirius shifted angrily in his seat and pursed his lips. "Alright."

She smiled nervously at him and nodded.

Sirius was very eager to get the conversation rolling in a different direction. "Where is the Order meeting tomorrow?" he asked.

Lily and James exchanged glances and Sirius scowled.

"You're still going to come?" James asked, staring warily at his friend.

Remus leaned forward in his chair.

"Why wouldn't I come?" Sirius asked, blinking in surprise.

"Dorcas and Prewett," James shrugged sheepishly.

Sirius' lips parted and suddenly he understood. "Close family friend," he scoffed.

"You didn't know?" Lily asked in surprise.

"Obviously not," he stood and began stomping to the staircase. "Excuse me."