Published June 27, 2019

Texts and Training

One need not be a chamber to be haunted,
One need not be a house;
The brain has corridors surpassing
Material place.

~ Emily Dickinson

Ben intended to go his mother's apartment only long enough to eat, change clothes, and rest a bit before returning to Takodana. This time, though, his parents were there when he arrived. Naturally, they would not let him take off again without giving some explanation for why he had been away longer than planned, why he had returned to the temple, and why he was leaving again.

Ben weighed what he could safely tell them. Leia was not as familiar with the Force as Luke, and Han barely understood it. As tragic and bizarre as Rey's predicament was to Ben and Luke, it would have seemed crazy, perhaps even frightening, to Leia and Han. And then there was the matter Luke had hinted at, about the nature of Ben and Rey's relationship.

He chose his words carefully. "I met and offered to train a Force-sensitive kid on Takodana."

That surprised his parents, but they did not press him for as many details as they would have if they had known the Force-sensitive kid was a girl, or that she was under a spell.

"That's—quite generous of you," Leia remarked. She looked at him with an odd expression, so unfamiliar that it took Ben a moment to recognize the sentiment it conveyed: pride, or admiration, or at least some kind of respect. When was the last time she had looked at him that way? For years he had craved looks like that from both of his parents.

For once, Ben was glad that his parents were too absorbed in their work to pay him much attention. Leia simply asked him to check in periodically and let them know where he went.

Ben put on his school uniform, a set of robes modeled after traditional Jedi attire, before journeying to Takodana. He figured if he was going to be Rey's teacher, he ought to look the part.

After making planetfall, he bypassed Maz Kanata's castle completely, instead heading straight for the beach where he and Rey had talked the previous two nights.

He found Rey practicing with the lightsaber, facing a tree as though it were her opponent and trying different, half-practiced, half-improvised moves.

She looked cleaner and better-groomed than when Ben had first met her. Half of her hair was pulled back while the rest hung down to her shoulders. She was dressed in a darker outfit, with a tunic and a gray sash looped over her shoulders to give the illusion of a dress.

She looked pretty, Ben thought—and very human, not like a savage or an animal.

A beeping noise alerted him to BB-8's presence. Ben turned and saw the astromech rolling up to him. It asked a rather impertinent question.

"I'm not spying," Ben insisted. "I'm observing. I'm her teacher now, I have to assess her abilities."

Turning back to Rey, he watched, fascinated, as she continued to spin and swing the weapon, gaining momentum and confidence. Finally, she swung the lightsaber all the way through the tree, slicing the trunk. A moment later it shifted and fell sideways. Its landing was softened somewhat by its branches and leaves, but the impact still caused some porgs and other small creatures to flinch, cry out, or scatter. BB-8 made a sound like something between a whimper and a chastisement.

Rey looked around, a little sheepish as she realized what she had done. When she saw Ben, she turned off the lightsaber and approached him. "I didn't realize you were watching."

"Sorry," he said. "I didn't mean to intrude."

"It's alright. I didn't mean to keep you waiting."

Ben regarded the weapon in her hand. "You handle that as though you've been using it for years, not days."

"Well, like I said, I knew how to fight with a staff, so I tried adapting some of those techniques to this."

A few nearby porgs chirruped, as though to get her attention. Rey turned to them with a smile and bent down to pet one of them. "They've been helping me, too."

Ben cocked his head, watching her interact with the birds as a human. "Can you understand them?"

"Sort of," Rey answered. "I understand more when I'm a porg, but it kind of carries over to when I'm human."

"And they understand you?"

"I think so. They know that I'm one of them, some of the time. But they also know I'm not really like them. Even when I'm a porg, I don't think the way they do. I don't have their instincts, or the experience a porg my age would have. I can't swim or fly as well as them." A strange, embarrassed, almost rueful smile crossed her face. "The first few days, some of them tried to teach me. Then, after I'd watched them for a while, I realized some of the males were trying to get my attention."

Ben looked at her, then at the porgs, then back at her. "You're serious."

Rey nodded. "Porgs are very family-oriented. They choose mates pretty young and have the same mate for life. They build nests and have porglets. None of them really live on their own. But obviously I can't have a porg family." Rey made a face as though she had tasted something bitter. "Well, maybe I could, but who knows what the effects would be, switching from porg to human and back."

Ben might have laughed at such a ridiculous idea, if it had not been so utterly real, and concerning Rey. She had to contemplate such strange, bleak possibilities. It was almost as if she was caught between two worlds, not fully belonging to either.

Before Ben could think of anything to say, Rey stood and dusted off her knees. "You promised we'd work on combat," she reminded him.

"Right." After seeing the way she had practiced, Ben was a little wary of sparring with her again. Luke had always urged him to go easy on his classmates when they practiced, and there had been moments when it became clear that Luke held back on his own Force powers and fighting abilities when training his students. But there was no need to go easy on Rey; in fact, she kept Ben on his toes, reminding him again and again not to underestimate her.

Much of the time, it seemed, Rey had the right idea about how to do something; she only lacked the vocabulary to articulate these ideas. As they paused every now and then in their spar, Ben offered instructions and suggestions, exhorting her to be mindful of the Force around them. It was like pointing out something that Rey had already sensed but not consciously recognized. When he pointed out better stances or movements, she adapted quickly and did not hesitate to use her new knowledge against him.

A few times, mutually impressed and challenged by each other, they met each other's eyes and smiled over their crossed lightsaber blades, twin blue lasers illuminating their faces in the semi-darkness of the Takodana night.

Finally, as they were getting tired, Ben suggested they sit on the beach and talk and read. They spread out a blanket on the sand and built a fire, the better to see the borrowed datapad. Ben told Rey about his visit and explained what Luke had loaned him.

As he scrolled through the contents, something occurred to Ben for the first time. "Can you read?"

Perhaps not surprisingly, Rey replied, "Yes. A few languages, actually."

"How did you learn?"

"Sometimes I found datapads with logs or manuals. Those usually could switch to other languages. I picked up other spoken languages from traders."

Ben smirked a little. "Is there anything you can't do?"

Rey smiled back, a little shy but also proud. "I guess I don't know yet."

That made Ben laugh. "Would you rather read this yourself, or listen while I read?"

"You can read it. I'll listen."

Ben did so. He could not recall having ever read aloud to someone, at least not since he himself was learning to read. He was not sure if he was good at it. The first text he had chosen was a sort of treatise on the nature of light and darkness. It was written in heightened, lyrical language, at least in this translation.

When he finished a passage, he looked up to see if Rey was listening. She was frowning slightly. "That sounds lovely, but … I don't understand. Is this a story, or information?"

"Fiction or nonfiction?"

"Yeah."

"It's … well, some of it is poetry, I guess."

"What's that?"

Of course—a planet like Jakku was not likely to have any poets, or creative literature from other planets. "Um … well, it's a style of writing. A short piece of poetry is called a poem. Often it rhymes. But not always. It usually has patterns in the words, to make them sound a certain way." He looked back at the screen, skimming through the scanned pages. "There's also a lot of philosophy—that's, uh, trying to figure out how the universe works."

"I was expecting something about the history of the Jedi, or instructions on how to use the Force."

Ben regarded her thoughtfully. "Being a Jedi—or a Sith, or any kind of Force user—isn't about knowing a lot of facts, or remembering certain stories, or following a bunch of rules. It's about … how you interact with the world. How you perceive and respond to it. It's a whole philosophy." He hesitated, uncertain whether it was wise, as a teacher, to admit his own doubts about what he was supposed to be teaching. Deciding to trust her, he confessed, "To be honest, I don't know if I believe or agree with all of it, but you have to learn it before you can decide whether you do or not."

Rey looked at him and nodded in acceptance, wrapping her blanket closer around herself.

They took turns reading, passing the datapad back and forth. Ben liked hearing Rey's voice as she read in her sweet, unpretentious accent. But Rey said she liked listening to him, and that she was tired after working and training, so Ben obliged her by taking longer turns.

When he looked up from reading a longer passage, he saw that Rey was lying on her side on the blanket he had brought. Her eyes were closed.

Ben spoke softly. "Rey?"

She did not answer. Ben wondered if he should let her sleep, or wake her so she would not feel she had wasted her time as a human.

She shivered when the breeze picked up. Seeing this, Ben put the datapad down and and carefully reached around her to adjust the blanket, tucking it around her so she was shielded from the cold air.

He decided to let her sleep. But now he was not sure what to do with himself. He didn't think it right to leave her alone, out in the open; but he couldn't just sit there and watch her sleep. He supposed he could continue reading for his own benefit, so he could refresh his memory and teach her well. But he found it hard to focus on the words, as he kept looking up from the page to glance at Rey. She looked more peaceful than he had ever seen her. She was … beautiful, he reflected.

A beeping sound behind him startled him out of his reverie. He turned and saw BB-8 rolling up to the blanket.

"Keep it down!" Ben hissed. "What are you doing here?"

The droid seemed to shrink back as it registered his sharp tone, but it answered him matter-of-factly.

"'Chaperone?' Maz said that?" Ben felt indignant, but upon reflection, he realized with embarrassment and some shame that Maz probably had the right idea. "Fine. Just be quiet, alright?"

BB-8 made a noise of assent, and retreated to a spot where the forest bordered the lake. It acted as though it was idly exploring, but it turned its eye to the humans every now and then.

Choosing to ignore the droid, Ben lay down on his side and put the datapad down on the blanket. He tried reading again, and got through a few paragraphs, but, almost inevitably, his mind and his eyes wandered to Rey again.

He thought back to what his uncle had said, and what he expected his parents would say when they eventually learned about her. He was starting to think they would have to, because he did not anticipate or desire an end to this—this arrangement, this relationship, that he and Rey had established. He only wondered what shape it would take.

He had never felt this way about anyone—wanting to be physically, emotionally, and spiritually close to someone, in a way different than a parent. Part of the reason he had offered to teach Rey was so he would have a reason to keep coming back, to see her again and again. But he was starting to want more than that.

He had never been in love before, and he did not think he was now, but he suspected he might be falling into it.

Looking at Rey now, so vulnerable in sleep, Ben felt emotions he had heard about but never experienced before—an instinct to guard and protect, which Luke would have commended; but also a desire to hold and possess, which Luke would have abhorred.

Luke had talked about the flaws in the Jedi's teachings about emotional attachment. He had hinted that the practice of taking children from their parents and the prohibition against marriage had negatively impacted his biological father, Anakin Skywalker, though he never explicated how this had happened. Luke himself had never married, instead dedicating himself to preserving the legacy of the Jedi, but he had never said outright whether he wanted his students to practice celibacy.

If Rey joined the training temple, would Luke allow two of his students to be together? Would he see her as someone who could help Ben stay in the light, or someone who would drive his already volatile nephew into the darkness? Ben could sense both in her, and he felt inexorably drawn to both aspects of her.

He felt as though he were verging along a precipice, getting closer and closer to the edge, catching glimpses of what lay below. He could still turn back, but it would be arduous, and leave him wondering what would have happened if he had continued.

The lightsaber called, but when it was touched, everything changed.

"No-o-o! Come back!"

Horror at seeing the distraught little girl, recognizing her as a younger Rey, and watching her be pulled backwards and prevented from running after the departing ship.

When it was over, Maz was there, her words gentle but unwelcome. "Dear child. I see your eyes. You already know the truth. Whomever you're waiting for on Jakku … they're never coming back."

Rey ran away, toward the woods, but there she faced a new terror, this one fully real in the present moment. Ben recognized the kind of fear that coursed through her, for he had felt it himself, usually in dreams or moments of loneliness. And when he sensed what caused it, he stepped back in shock.

It was the thing that had given him nightmares throughout his life. It was a deformed humanoid creature whose name he did not know, but whose presence was intimately, unpleasantly familiar.

"You." The creature's tone was strange, almost surprised, as he appraised Rey, who was unarmed and immobilized. "You're just a scavenger. You haven't even been trained." He stepped closer, reaching out his hand. Rey flinched, anticipating the touch of those clawlike fingers, yet they did not make contact with her skin. Instead, she felt the creature probing deeper into her mind. "And yet … so much strength. You have the spirit of a true Jedi." He withdrew, focusing on her whole person once more. "But not for long."

Rey's memory of what happened next was mostly of disorientation. It took her several moments to get her bearings and realize she was now a porg.

She tried to run on her webbed feet, only to stumble and fall on her feathered stomach. She desperately tried to flap her wings and fly, but just as she started to gain lift, her tiny limbs froze again. She was suspended in midair, but then she started to move backwards, further and further, until she reached the creature's outstretched hands.

Rey whimpered as he grasped her and turned her around to face him. Now he seemed even bigger—the biggest, most formidable thing in the entire galaxy. Rey had never felt so small in her life. The creature laughed over her, reveling in her helplessness and humiliation. Then he tossed her into the air, where she hung as though suspended by invisible strings.

The memory blended into another: the arrival of a stranger in the forest, a tall young man carrying a shooting weapon. He chased after Rey, who struggled to fly away, until his shot hit her wing and she came falling to the ground.

Then something different happened: the hunter was not alone. He was being followed by another hunter, and it was not clear which of them it was hunting.

Ben came forward, searching for his quarry, but instead he found the young woman—his friend, his apprentice, his partner—bleeding, in pain, in danger of death, all because of him.

"No … please …" Ben begged.

The creature came up behind him as he knelt in despair.

"No! Leave him!" Rey pleaded.

The creature hissed, "Fulfill—your—destiny!"

Ben awoke with a start, gasping as he sat upright. A few feet away, Rey was also panting for breath, looking at him with wide, frightened eyes, her blanket fallen from her shoulders.

"Rey," Ben gasped. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah. Are you?"

"I think so."

"What happened?"

Ben looked around at the datapad on the blanket and the remains of the now burnt-out fire. "You fell asleep while we were reading. But—I guess I fell asleep too. I was having this dream …" He had been dreaming about Rey—but in part of the dream, he had been Rey.

"I was dreaming, too. It felt like you were there."

"You were in mine, too. And … so was the sorcerer. I thought … I saw when he cursed you."

Rey looked at him in bewilderment. "That's what I was dreaming about. Did we … is it possible for people to share dreams? Is that some weird Force power?"

"I don't know. If that's what happened, it wasn't intentional on my part. I saw you were asleep, and I laid down and tried to keep reading …" Ben trailed off, unwilling to admit why he had stopped reading.

Rey seemed intensely embarrassed. "I'm so sorry."

"For what?"

"Falling asleep on you. And pulling you into my nightmare."

"Hey." Ben reached out and touched her shoulder. "It's okay. I've had nightmares my whole life." He smiled wryly, dropping his arm. "You probably have more reason to have them than I do."

She returned his half-smile, half-grimace. "I guess."

They both looked away, glancing at the moon (it was quite late in the night now) and the lake and the forest. The silence that hung between them bordered on awkwardness.

"Do you want me to leave?" Ben asked.

"No." She paused, looking sideways at him. "Do you want to leave?"

"Not if you want me here."

"I do. You make me feel safe."

Hearing that only made him want to stay more, to preserve that feeling for her. Despite being the son of heroes and training in the ways of the Jedi, he had never been a protector, a comforter. There had never been anyone who needed anything from him. It was nice to be needed, or better yet, wanted.

"Was that what it was like?" he asked. He did not need to explain what he was referring to.

Rey swallowed and nodded. "Yes."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Rey did not answer right away. When she looked at Ben, there were tears in her eyes. He started to reach out, thinking to touch her arm again, but suddenly she thrust herself forward, putting her arms around him and pressing her face against his shoulder.

Ben was shocked. The only person who hugged him anymore was his mother, when they reunited or were about to separate, and even that customary exchange had become awkward on both sides. At any rate, he never initiated that kind of physical contact—even if, on some level, some subconscious part of him wanted it.

Now, Rey was crying and breathing heavily against him, and nothing seemed more appropriate than to put his arms around her and hold her close. She didn't need words. She just needed someone to be there—someone who understood fear and loneliness.

Ben had never held someone smaller than himself, but he tried to do what he thought his parents would have done, rubbing her back a little, stroking her hair. Hearing her sobs subside and her breathing even out brought a sense of relief and satisfaction. But neither of them let go, not wanting this moment of connection to end.

Ben tried to remember the details of the dream. He had seen at least one of the visions she experienced when she touched the Skywalker lightsaber, and he was pretty sure it was from her past. He would have to ask about it another time. More pressing were the memories of her transformation.

"This might sound strange," he said slowly. "I don't want to frighten you more, but … in the dream, when I saw the sorcerer—I felt like I recognized him, somehow. I think I've seen him—or felt him. I don't understand it."

He had no idea what Rey was thinking, but then she confessed, "You reminded me of him, when we first met."

Ben blinked, his brow furrowed. "How so?"

She drew back from her embrace, shifting on the blanket so she was sitting right next to Ben. "I can't explain it. Maybe I was … sensing it through the Force. You have something in common with him. I just don't know what."

Hearing this, Ben felt unnerved all over again. Rey, however, seemed past the point of fearing him. She grasped his arm with both hands and rested her head on his shoulder. Ben tried to cover her clasped hands with one of his.

"Do you dream about that day often?" Ben asked.

"Not exactly. I dream about transforming, or not being able to change back and forth." She paused, and there was real anxiety in her voice when she spoke again. "I'm worried I might be becoming less human."

Ben tried not to betray the fear these words stirred in him. "How do you mean?"

"It's hard to put into words. My first few days as a porg were really vivid—like in the dream. Everything was new and frightening. I looked like a porg, but I still thought like a human. I remembered everything about being human. Now … it's getting hard to tell. I wonder if something might happen … if I might forget about being human, or stop changing back and forth." Rey paused and let go of Ben's arm to wipe more tears from her face. "Sometimes I think it might not be so bad to forget, or to always be a porg. Other times … well … I've come to realize, I like being human." She looked down at her hand resting on her lap, her legs folded under her. "It's not easy, but … there's a lot to like about it."

"What, specifically?"

He sensed her becoming embarrassed again. "Mostly little things. Sometimes big things." She snuggled into his side again. "This is one."

Feeling encouraged by this, and more tender than he'd ever felt toward anyone, Ben put his arm around her, turned his face toward her and kissed the side of her head. Rey seemed to freeze at this, but then she leaned into him, apparently welcoming it.

The spent the very last part of the night this way, huddled together like two lost souls, until the sky began to brighten. Ben was starting to dread the dawn. The darkness of night was peaceful, at least when they were together. The coming of light meant the end of their time together.

"No one's ever done this for me before," Rey said as they folded up their blankets and gathered their belongings.

"Done what?" Ben asked.

"Held me. Listened." She looked at him with eyes soft, sincere. "Thank you."

"You're welcome." Ben paused. "Of course, this isn't typically part of the master-student relationship."

He sensed something like disappointment from her. "Right. I'm sorry."

"Don't be," Ben said quickly. "I don't mind. I … I only point that out, because … well … if you want me to be something other than just a teacher to you … I'll be that."

"You'll be what?"

"Whatever you want me to be to you."

Rey looked at him with a kind of wonder, both hopeful and afraid to hope. "Do you … do you want to be anything besides my teacher?"

Ben gulped, never taking his eyes from hers. "I think … I'm starting to." He looked down. "I know right now … you're the closest thing I have to a friend."

Rey cocked her head and asked, "You don't have any others? Your family, or the other Jedi?"

He shook his head. "Not like this. Not even close."

Rey looked at him as though she did not quite believe him, or as if she somehow disapproved of his saying such a thing.

Ben glanced at the sky and then back at Rey. "Will you be okay if I leave?"

"I'll be fine. I'm safe as long as I have the lightsaber."

"Alright. I'll be back."

Rey smiled, and the softness in her expression—deeply appreciative, but also wistful—did something odd to Ben's heart. "I know. You're the first person who ever came back for me."

That meant a lot more now that he had glimpsed her past. "I'll keep coming as long as you want me to," Ben promised.

They moved at the same time to hug each other. They stayed like that for a moment, wrapped in each other's arms, before Rey gently pulled away. She stepped back, and as she looked down at her body, the change began: she shimmered and morphed, and a moment later she was a porg. The sight made Ben's heart feel heavy.

She looked up at him, and Ben guessed from the way her eyes focused that she still knew him. He raised a hand in a gesture of greeting or farewell. She responded with a nod and a wave of her wing, then turned and followed the other porgs gathering near the lakeshore.

Ben made up his mind at that moment: whatever Rey chose—whether she stayed on Takodana, or returned to Jakku, or joined the training temple—he would stay with her, as long as she wanted him.