Published November 29, 2020
Warning: This chapter is emotionally intense, and contains some violence and verbal abuse from a man toward a woman.
Dedication: I would be remiss if I did not acknowledge the passing of David Prowse, the actor behind the Darth Vader suit, yesterday. This chapter is dedicated to him.
"Betrayal"
Gentle reader, may you never feel what I then felt! May your eyes never shed such stormy, scalding, heart-wrung tears as poured from mine. May you never appeal to Heaven in prayers so hopeless and so agonised as in that hour left my lips; for never may you, like me, dread to be the instrument of evil to what you wholly love. ~ Charlotte Brontë, Jane Eyre
After Luke dropped them off on Takodana, Rey had busied herself with taking care of Maz. Though the pirate tried to wave off offers of assistance, she did not try hard to stop Rey, who insisted that it was only fair after all the care Maz had shown her.
Soon Maz was tucked comfortably in bed, her wounds dressed with bacta. Rey fixed them both warm drinks, and she did not argue when Maz requested some particular additives.
They were both finally starting to relax when Rey suddenly felt cold again, and then they heard banging on the doors downstairs.
"Those beasts," Maz seethed. "They've come back."
Rey was on her feet at once, her lightsaber in hand. "I'll take care of it. You stay here until your wounds are healed. BB-8, you stay with her."
"Be careful, Rey."
She hurried to the front doors, retrieving her quarterstaff and a blaster on the way. She was surprised the Knights of Ren did not simply force their way in. She did not dare open the doors, but she held her free hand out and tried to call upon the Force to hold them steady against the increasingly strong blows. With her other hand, she ignited her lightsaber, just to be ready.
Rey considered her options. If they were here for her, perhaps it would be safer for Maz and her guests if she surrendered or led the knights away from the castle. Or perhaps now was the best time to send out a distress signal. Would anyone come to defend an inn run by a pirate?
Suddenly, a voice sounded in her mind. It was familiar and beloved, but the words were so unexpected and devoid of context that they startled her.
"You're the only one I love—you, and no one else."
Rey heard Ben's words as clearly as if he were standing next to her. She did not understand what was happening, why she heard him or why he was saying that. His voice had the same passion that it did when he professed his love to her, but she was certain she had never heard him use those words. Was it a vision—something from the past or future—or happening at that moment? If he was talking about Rey, why would he be so exclusive, as though he could not spare any love for his family or other people?
Rey suddenly felt weak, as though she had been working too long on an empty stomach.
At that moment, the doors finally burst open, admitting the five Knights of Ren.
Bracing herself against a table, Rey started to raise her lightsaber, but suddenly it felt hot in her hand, and when she looked at it she saw that it was glowing—not blue like its blade, but a faint red. It became so hot that she had to let go, and even then she felt slightly burned, as though she had touched metal that had been heated in the sun. As it fell, the plasma blade disappeared, and when the hilt bounced on the floor, it broke in half, exposing the kyber crystal inside.
Rey could only gape in horror. The Skywalker legacy lightsaber, the talisman that had kept Snoke from touching her and allowed her to be human some of the time, was destroyed.
She was so stunned that she forgot about her other weapons, until the knights were almost upon her. She pulled out her blaster, but one knight summoned it from her hand with the Force. That left her staff, but she had barely slung it off her back before one of them grabbed it and tried to wrest it away from her. Another came up behind her and caught her in a chokehold; Rey had to let go of her last weapon to try to pull at his arm, but she could not break free, and what little strength she had faded as she struggled just to breathe.
"Don't knock her out," Ren cautioned. Instead of aiding in the attack, he picked up the pieces of Rey's lightsaber. "She has an appointment."
"No—please—" Rey wheezed, horror filling her as she realized what that meant, why they were there. Strong gloved hands seized her wrists and pulled her arms back, and only then did her attacker let go of her neck; Rey gasped for air, and would have fallen to her knees if they had not been holding her up.
"Sorry, kid." Ren almost sounded apologetic. "Duty calls." He pointed at the two knights who were holding Rey's weapons. "You two watch the castle. We'll bring her."
Rey struggled, trying to brace her feet against the floor, but it was no use. They pulled her along, down the stairs and into the forest. She sensed Snoke's presence more strongly as they came closer to him.
Finally, they entered a low clearing in the forest, and there he was. His golden robes reflected what little moonlight the canopy let in. Ren presented the broken lightsaber to him, and the remaining two knights flung Rey forward onto the ground before him.
"Well done," Snoke praised, accepting Rey's broken lightsaber from the masked man. "Leave her with me. Go and keep watch."
The Knights of Ren moved silently into the shadows between the trees. Rey was alone with him, with no weapons or protection. Even if she had any, she felt utterly drained of energy, and the power Snoke radiated suggested that a physical attack would have failed.
The two of them looked at each other for a long moment, sizing each other up. Rey tried to keep her breathing steady, to fight the fear and panic threatening to rise up within her.
"You know what has happened, do you not?" Snoke said.
"No," Rey answered honestly.
"Yes, you do. You felt it the moment it happened."
"What happened?"
"Your lover has forsaken you. He has pledged his eternal, exclusive, unconditional love to another."
No. Rey could not believe that. She had felt Ben's sincerity every time he professed his feelings and intentions, and in a hundred other moments when words had not been needed. There had to be some explanation.
"You're lying," she said through grit teeth.
"You speak with a child's faith. Yet your faith wavers … even now."
Rey mustered her strength and pushed herself up onto her feet, glaring at him as she shakily reached her full height. "You underestimate Ben Solo. And me. It will be your downfall."
He smiled that ugly smile. "Still that fiery spit of hope! Why don't you ask him yourself?" He gestured to her with one gnarled hand. "Reach out with your mind."
Rey studied him, frowning at his suggestion. She did not trust any advice that came from him. But clearly, something had happened concerning Ben, and she needed to know what.
She turned half away from him, so she could see him out of the corner of her eye, and partially hide her face, while her mind focused elsewhere.
As soon as the Millennium Falcon took off, Ben left the others and looked in the ship's storage for weapons. He outfitted himself with a holster and two blasters. He put his lightsaber in its usual place on his belt, where his right hand could reach it easily, and put Leia's on the opposite side.
In the fresher, he looked at his reflection in the mirror, and had to resist the urge to punch the glass. He still looked dolled up for the party—the only difference was that his hair was sweaty from dancing. Dancing with that imposter.
Ben had experienced self-loathing before, but never to this degree. He had never been this furious and disgusted with himself. What was wrong with him, that he had not realized what was happening? How could he have mistaken a stranger for Rey? Was their bond not as strong as he had thought? And what consequences was she suffering, or about to suffer, because of his mistake? And—as self-centered as the question was, he could not help wondering, worrying—what would she think of him?
Will I ever see you again, Rey? Can you ever forgive me?
Suddenly, he felt an awareness and heard a response, wary and confused, as audible as though she were in the room: Ben? Is that you?
He balked. Rey?
Yes?
Can you actually hear me?
Yes.
Ben was amazed. He knew it was common for Force-users to be able to sense each other, or people they cared about, even across great distances. But to actually hear their thoughts clearly, across the galaxy, was something else.
There were a million things he wanted to say, but he was not sure how long this moment of connection would last. He decided on the most urgent question: Are you alright?
He sensed a shift in Rey's emotions: the question angered her, and underlying that anger were fear and confusion. No, I'm not. Ben—what have you done?
There was a misunderstanding—
Did you— She was incredulous; she did not want to believe it was possible, but she had to ask. Did you betray me?
Ben gripped the sides of the sink, bowing his head in shame—shame that she would surely sense as palpably as he now felt her emotions. Yes. I didn't mean to—but I did.
For a moment Rey's thoughts were wordless, incoherent, but fraught with emotions. She was furious with him, and beneath her anger he could sense the same pain he had felt earlier, but it had sharpened into something else: bitterness, resentment, hatred. You've ruined everything.
She was right about that, but Ben still wanted to defend himself. It's not what you think—I can explain—
It's over, Ben. My life is over, thanks to you.
No! I'm going to fix this. I promised I would.
How can I believe that?
Just hang on. I'm coming. I'll set things right.
He felt as though she were looking right at him, judging whether he was sincere. But her next words cut like a lightsaber blade: You're just like my parents, after all.
Ben gaped at these words. A moment later he felt the connection break. Rey was shutting him out.
Rey had thought that she knew disappointment, grief, anguish, but nothing she had ever experienced before could compare to that which she felt now. She was on her knees again, almost doubled over, and weeping into her hands.
Her mind spun with unanswered questions. How could the person she loved most—the one she had thought loved her more than anyone else—cause her downfall, especially after promising to help her? How could he undo, in just a few words, everything that they had built between them? What had prompted this—but she did not want to know that. She did not want to know who could be so much more desirable than her.
Ben knew her, understood her, better than anyone she had ever met. He could relate to her more than anyone else. If even he could not love her—if he could not set her free—who could?
"Poor child." Snoke was right behind her now. Rey wanted to get to her feet and back away, but he held her in place with the Force. "You've felt this way before, haven't you?" She winced as she felt his hand brushing back her hair and coming to rest on her shoulder. "He made you feel special … a junkyard rat dressed like a princess. Now you see … he was not what he seemed … yet you are exactly what you have always been."
He circled her and stopped to stand in front of her. Rey refused to look at him, but she could not stop him from reaching toward her. She flinched as he wiped away her tear and framed her cheek in his hand, turning her face up toward him. She gasped at how close his face was to hers. "For you, all is lost … unless you join me."
Rey stared, open-mouthed—and for a moment, for the first time, she almost considered it. She sensed his unspoken words: No one wants you—except me. No one will ever want you—except me. Be mine, and you will never be alone. There was a degree of sincerity in him. He would be there for her when no one else would be. He would give her something to live for, a purpose beyond daily survival.
But the longer Rey looked into his eyes, she more she could see his greed—or something more than that. She had seen what greed looked like, and this was different. The closest thing she could guess this to be was lust. Snoke had not looked at her that way when he first found her. But that had been before she met Ben, before she learned to use the Force and allow it to use her. Ultimately it was her power he wanted. He might want her physically, too, but not in the loving, reverent way she had thought Ben did. Behind Snoke's gentle touch, she could feel the barely restrained power that he was itching to use. To attain his own pleasure, he wanted to inflict pain on her and every other living thing, including the few that she loved.
She would not aid him in that.
Rey's answer was adamant: "No."
His hand left her cheek for the briefest of seconds before it slapped her, knocking her to the ground again. She stayed there for a moment, gathering her strength before she pushed herself up on her hands and knees; then an electric shock went through her, and she cried out in pain until Snoke ceased his lightning attack.
"No one else will ever care about you!" Snoke shouted at her. "People will only want what you can give them, what you can do for them. But you possess the power to make others give you whatever you want—and you're throwing it away."
Rey breathed deeply, painfully. Somehow, this situation felt almost familiar, natural. She had been belittled and berated and beaten so many times in her life, they had blurred together and become unmemorable.
But compliments and encouragements had been so few, she remembered each one distinctly. And it was those memories she called to her mind now.
"The light. It's always been there. It will guide you."
"You're a lot stronger than you look."
"You're selfless, like a true Jedi."
"You're stronger than you know."
"You aren't nothing, Rey. You never were."
"You have some role to play in this story."
"Do you know what I see? Kindness, laughter, and bravery. All worth more than any treasure a king could possess."
Snoke was wrong, and Rey knew it deep down. She might be poor, homeless, abandoned, and betrayed. But she was also strong, smart, and resilient. She was not nothing. As long as she had her dignity, her integrity, her will, she could endure being alone.
And in a larger sense, she would never be alone. The Force was with her. It had chosen her to be its instrument. It had a purpose for her, even if she could not see it. Even if Ben had changed his mind about her—even if there was no one left in the world who loved her—the Force knew her, and loved her, and had a plan for her. Maybe that plan was for her to be a porg; but there were worse possible fates.
Snoke pointed up at the sky, where just a sliver Takodana's moon could be seen. "Tonight will be your last night as a human. Without him, and without me, you'll spend the rest of your miserable life as a witless animal."
"Better that then your slave," Rey retorted.
"We'll see if you feel that way come dawn," Snoke said ominously. "You have until then to change your mind." With that final offer, he stalked out of the clearing. Evidently he was not going to spend that interval in the cold forest; he had a ship somewhere nearby, where he could wait comfortably.
Rey hugged her legs to her chest, curling in on herself. There were not many hours left in the night for her to be human. She rubbed her hands against her frame, through her hair, over her tearstained face. Soon all of it would be gone, forever.
Ben had made her want to be human, only to doom her to life as an animal.
Thinking of him seemed to create an opening in her mind, just long enough for him to get a few words across to her. He sounded earnest and determined.
Hold on, Rey. I'm coming for you.
Rey wiped her eyes and looked up in wonder.
Could she dare to hope?