C. Falcon's Easy Guide To Revenge!

Chapter: only!

Disclaimer: I don't own SSBM, and I don't own any characters in SSBM. I don't own pie, blargen, fat, ugly, or Mexico (although I am currently looking into buying a few slaves… I mean Illegal Aliens… I mean Undocumented Workers… I MEAN SPICKS OK! SORRY!).

You're probably thinking "oh this guy sucks and isn't cool and needs to shut up and blah!" I won't shut up though. I'll never shut up. You can't make me. I don't care how offensive this story may get!

And with that… we'll start the show…

"Good Morning/Evening/Afternoon/Night/Twilight/Whatever it is where and when you're reading this!" Captain Falcon yelled with a typical KKK (Kiddies Kookie Klub) salute.

"Today, I, Captain Falcon, will show you how to get revenge on that special someone who's been pissing you off! I'll teach you how to be effective! How to be painful! And I'll even teach you how to use word programming if you're good enough!" Captain Falcon said in his BLACK PANTHER (Boys Licking Awesome Coins Kill Parrots And Nest Their Habitual Ethics Rodeo) style.

"Anyway! Enough of these weird salutes and styles! I'm here to show you one thing and one thing only! How to get revenge! First I'll demonstrate how to effectively get revenge on bigger brothers that hog all the attention with Luigi and Mario!"

Luigi came walking up to Captain Falcon. Mario was being showed on Captain Falcon's TV with Captain Falcon's new spray-can product thing, 'privacy-b-gone.'

"Captain Falcon! Mario has been getting all the credit for saving the world! Even though I've saved his life so many times, I'm still reserved as a 'second player' character, and the games are titled 'Mario Party' and 'Mario Tennis' and crap! WHAT DO I DO?" Luigi yelled in anger.

"As we know here at the Captain Falcon Revenge Facility, every big brother hates getting his nipples rubbed in peanut butter! I suggest you ambush him, tie him up, strip his shirt off, and throw him belly first in peanut butter! Then rub him around in it making sure his nipples get most of the attention!" Captain Falcon said while giving Luigi a thumbs up.

"Gee Thanks!" Luigi said returning Captain Falcon's thumb, apologizing for having stolen the thumb in the first place, and then running off screen.

Captain Falcon turned to watch his TV that had been following Mario. He chuckled as screams and odd sounding moans were heard from the TV.

"OK! Next up is for all of you villains who are sick of having heroes kicking your ass! We'll demonstrate with Gannondorf and Link!" Captain Falcon said while applauding his next guest. He had been to stupid to get an audience to applaud for him.

Gannondorf walked up to Captain Falcon as the TV screen switched to show Link being spied on by the privacy-b-gone.

"Captain Falcon! Link has been kicking my ass ever since he was born! I try to visit the castle and every time I look out a window he's right there staring at me! I try to talk to someone and he slaps me with his Master Sword! WHAT DO I DO?" Gannondorf yelled.

"As we know here at the Captain Falcon Revenge Facility, every hero hates George W. Bush! I still don't know why… Anyway! If you want revenge on that guy who's been acting like the most wonderful thing ever, then take a picture of George W. Bush and rub it on Link's nipples!" Captain Falcon said, then looked thoughtful before adding "and get an original move set you freak!"

"Thanks!" Gannondorf said.

Gannondorf then got a new move set, slapped his head into a wall and forgot everything Captain Falcon had just told him.

"JUST GO RUB HIS NIPPLES WITH A PICTURE OF GEORGE W. BUSH!" Captain Falcon screamed.

So Gannondorf ran off screen. Captain Falcon turned to his TV screen and laughed as demonic screams could be heard coming from Link's mouth.

"Well, isn't that a happy ending? Anyway! My next demonstration will involve qualified people, and Mexicans! This will be with Dr. Mario and José!" Captain Falcon said.

Dr. Mario walked up to Captain Falcon as José appeared on the screen. José then screamed as he had appeared out of nowhere on top of a screen and started running around in circles.

"Captain Falcon! They took my job away and hired this person! He doesn't even know what the word 'heart' means! I don't trust him with delicate surgeries! WHAT DO I DO?" Dr. Mario screamed pointing at the hysterical Mexican.

"As we know here at the Captain Falcon Revenge Facility, Mexicans are only scared of one thing! Legal Documentation! So I suggest you take some legal documents, and start rubbing José's nipples with them!" Captain Falcon said grinning.

"Thanks!" Dr. Mario said and ran over to the Mexican. Screams could be heard for hours as Captain Falcon sat there giggling.

"Heehee! He just got a paper cut on his nipples!" Captain Falcon said shuddering in delight.

"OK! Wasn't that fun! Next up we'll show you how to get revenge on that guy who stole all of your fame! We'll demonstrate this with Fox and Falco!" Captain Falcon said as he then started rolling around giggling fanatically.

Falco walked on screen as Fox could be seen on the TV.

"Captain Falcon! I invented cows, but Fox walked on in and said it was his idea and now he gets to star in his own video game while I'm just a sidekick! WHAT DO I DO?" Falco screamed.

"As we know here at the Captain Falcon Revenge Facility, everyone who steals an idea hates straight A students! I suggest you take Ness, and start rubbing Fox's nipples with him!" Captain Falcon said while twitching slightly.

"Thanks!" Falco said and ran off. Captain Falcon turned to the TV to see the horrific scene. Ness was screaming with a muffled voice as Fox exploded, this in turn punctured Ness's head causing weird fluid to come out and melt Falco.

"Next! We'll show you how to get revenge on new video gamers that stole your old-school fun! We'll demonstrate this with Mr. G&W and Roy!" Captain Falcon said.

Mr. G&W walked up to Captain Falcon as the TV screen showed Roy rubbing his nipples.

"OH NO! ROY IS IMMUNE TO MY POWERS!" Captain Falcon screamed and exploded.

Mr. G&W then fell down a crack and died.

Somewhere in the world, Kirby popped.

The moral to this story, kids: an obsession with nipples will only hurt you in the end.

YAY!

I've branched out. Now instead of typical freaky stories, I have stories with a moral at the end of them!

AREN'T I SMURT!

YAY!

It seems that there are lots of revenge stories out there, so I was just like… "WOW! I should do a parody!" because I've never tried parody before… sure... (in case you're stupid... check my profile to see if I really never have done parody)

Yeah… and just in case you didn't notice the first time… just because I make fun of something… doesn't mean I'm against it… I can totally see how Big Business exploitation of cheap labor is a good thing!

Ok then…

R&EAT!… Read and Eat A Toe!