IV:

The apartment didn't bother her when it was a member of the squad coming over – they got it. But Barba was different. The fact that she and Serenity were squished into a one-bedroom on the third floor of a walk-up rent-controlled building that she'd been in since she'd graduated from Sienna College suddenly mattered and it made her cheeks flush with a bit of shame.

"Baby, why don't you go change and get your homework ready for when Mrs. Barba gets here?" Liv suggested gently, helping Ree out of her jacket and backpack.

"Okay, Momma," Ree agreed, hurrying into the bedroom and slamming the door.

Olivia turned to face Rafael and said, "Look, I know what you're going to say –"

"I'm not here to judge you," he said. "I'm here to help. What can I do?"

The breakfast dishes were still in the sink from having had to eat and run that morning, toys were scattered around the living room, god only knew where the DVD remote had ended up when she'd put away the blankets that morning…

"Nothing," she replied, her voice very quiet as she realized that the chaos of her life was normal and she should be used to it. This was what Trevor had walked away from; this was what she had chosen. If she told him, if she let him in, Rafael would likely run for the hills as well. "I'm fine. It's okay."

"Are you sure?"

No. "Yeah. It was just a shock, seeing her in the squadroom," Liv said. She moved to sit down on the sofa, gesturing for him to join her. He didn't need to know that that was where she slept every night so that Serenity could sleep on the bed in the bedroom. "I try so hard to keep her away from my job. No kid needs to be exposed to what we do."

"You're absolutely right," he agreed. "You're a good mother," he tried to assure her, gently resting his hand on her thigh, just above her knee.

"Am I?" she asked.

"You are," he confirmed.

Ree bounced out of the bedroom and brought her backpack to the coffee table. "Momma," she said, "do you have to go back to work?"

"Mr. Barba and I have to go back to work," Liv said, nodding. "But Mrs. Barba – Rafael's mother – is going to stay with you and help you with your homework and get you some supper."

Serenity pursed her lips together and made a face. "But, Momma –"

"Behave yourself and we'll go do something fun on Saturday," Liv promised. "After we go grocery shopping in the morning."

"Momma –"

She was cut off from whatever she was going to say by knocking on the front door. Rafael sprung up and went to answer it, while Liv rose to her feet and said quietly, "Baby, you need to behave yourself."

"Mami, thank you for doing this," he was saying as he let his mother into the apartment. "Olivia?"

Olivia headed toward the door and extended her hand. "Mrs. Barba, I'm Olivia Benson – thank you so much –"

"He's mentioned you a lot in the last week," she commented dryly. "Every other sentence is Detective Benson this or Detective Benson that. He didn't say you had a daughter, though."

"He didn't know," Rafael said snarkily.

Ree peeked toward the door with interest. "Hi," she chirped.

"Baby, what do you say to Mrs. Barba?" Liv prompted.

"Thank you for coming to watch me, Mrs. Barba, so Momma can go back to work?" Ree muttered.

Mrs. Barba barked out a laugh. "You can call me Lucia, little one – she's bright as a button, isn't she?"

"And twice as sarcastic," Liv sighed. "Seriously, Mrs. Barba, thank you –"

"Don't you worry," Lucia said. "Just leave the keys and go back to work – I know how to reach Rafi and I assume you have your contact information on the fridge. It's fine. We'll make do for today, and make better plans for tomorrow."

"Okay," Liv agreed. "If we're too late prepping, there's cash for takeaway in an envelope on the fridge, and Ree was asking for Chinese – she'll show you where the menus are."

"We'll be fine, Detective," Lucia promised.

"My phone is in the shop," Liv said. "I guess you'll have to call –"

"Just call me," Rafael said. "We'll be together anyway." He smiled wanly. "We'd better get back."

Liv leaned down and kissed Serenity. "Be good," she insisted.

"Yes, Momma," Ree sighed.

It wasn't until they were in a cab and on their way back to the station that Rafael said, "You've got a good kid, Benson."

"Yeah," she agreed. "I do."

She wasn't paying enough attention, obviously, or she wouldn't have walked right into a wall of a human being who happened to be Trevor Langan. "Liv," he greeted softly. "You okay?"

"Fine – nothing hurt but my pride," she quipped lamely. "You?"

"Fine," he said with a small smile. "Hey… want to go get a drink? I hear you guys won the Paley case."

"We have a press conference in a few minutes," she said quickly. "I – and then I need to write my report and get home."

"Liv."

"Trevor, it's not a good idea," she said softly.

"We should talk –"

She inhaled shakily, trying to steady herself. "You left. You dropped my daughter at the station with Munch and walked out of our lives – I don't know what there is to talk about."

"I made a mistake. You think I haven't been paying for it all these years?"

"Detective," Rafael said, stepping up to them, "I hate to interrupt this sordid little conversation, but we have actual work to accomplish." He sneered at Langan. "Trevor." Once they were away from him, he said, "He thinks that someone else is showing an interest in you, so he should stake his territory."

"I'm no one's territory," Liv growled.

"Very true," he agreed.

"And no one is showing an interest in me –"

The gentle pressure of his fingertips on her arm increased. "Aren't I?" Rafael said, almost inaudibly.

"Rafael, it isn't a good idea to –"

"You strolled into my life and shook me to the very core of my being," he said. "And I'll never forgive you for that. If I hadn't walked away that night… fuck, I never would have." She inhaled sharply, suddenly forgot how to breathe. "I thought about you every damn day. And I hated myself for it. And then there you were in that courtroom and I have to look at you all the time and be in the same room as you and you won't even let me buy you a drink."

"I – I can't –"

"I understand you're afraid of being hurt. The last thing I want to do is hurt you," he whispered. "I could love you if you let me."

The was the problem – anyone who ever loved her hurt her in the end. She didn't want to take the chance.

But the words tripped from her lips before she could stop them. "Fine, but just a drink."

There was something akin to triumph in his eyes, though it never made it to the rest of his face. "Now to face the world," he said with a small grin.

Sitting side by side in a quiet bar near her apartment somehow seemed more intimidating than having come onto him in a crowded bar all those years ago. She ordered a glass of shiraz, he ordered a scotch – similar, yet more mature than before.

"So…" Rafael said, and she felt the world shifting again in a way that she hated. "You and Trevor Langan?"

"Are you being a dick right now?" she asked.

"No, I'm genuinely trying to understand what the fuck," he replied.

"He's a good man," she muttered. "Or at least I thought he was. Until he just… walked away and left. You can do whatever you want to me, but the one thing I won't tolerate is people hurting my little girl – and he just fucking abandoned her. So if he thinks he can just waltz back into our lives now like nothing happened because she's not a screaming baby anymore, he can waltz back the fuck over there and fuck off again." The bartender delivered their drinks and she took a decisive sip of her wine.

"Do you love him?" he asked, tone strangely unemotional.

She snorted. "No. I don't even know that I did at the time. Fuck, I don't know – what is love, anyway, Barba? I don't think I've ever known."

"You love your kid."

"I do," she whispered. "God, I love that kid so much." She hesitated a moment, then confessed, "And I love her father for giving her to me – he came along at a low point in my life and even though it was all very unexpected, I wouldn't change it for the world." She paused, hesitated, then shook her head – almost having blurted out the secret that would have changed things between them forever, but not having the courage to shatter his worldview completely.

"She's a good kid," he said. "Her dad would be proud –"

Liv closed her eyes, pained. "Yeah," she agreed quietly. "I hope. I still live in fear of the day when he finds out and tries to take her away."

"Why would he?"

"The job, all the time I spend living dangerously –"

"So get promoted, go desk jockey," he pointed out.

"You make it sound so simple," she protested. "In so many ways, that's even worse – the hours, the threats because you're suddenly the public face of the department –"

"Then you need to find someone to share your burden."

"Are you offering?" she asked sarcastically. When he remained silent, just looking at her, somewhat horrified, Liv sniped, "At least Trevor had the stones to propose."

"The fucker walked out on you," he pointed out.

"We went through a lot of shit together when we were dating – when I was pregnant," she mused, toying with her wineglass. She'd only had a couple of sips, trying to be responsible, knowing that if she drank the whole glass, she would want another, and if she had a second, she would want a third – and then she would give in to the wanting that consumed her. The wanting that simmered low in her belly and begged for Rafael to fulfill it.

"I assume he at least was satisfactory in bed because he has the personality of overcooked spaghetti," Rafael grunted.

She bit out a laugh, unable to stop herself. "You're a cruel man," she accused. "Not everything in life is about sex, Barba."

"It should be," he muttered. "Things would be simpler."

"No, they wouldn't," she countered. "I don't think he realized how hard it would be when he proposed; Ree was just a few hours old and I was exhausted but blissfully happy because my little person was finally here, and he said he wanted to make me that happy for the rest of my life."

"And then he fucking walked out on you and your kid." Rafael ordered another scotch and stared at her for a long time. "Is he her father?"

"No," Liv said softly, pushing her glass away.

"Olivia – "

"I'm done talking about Trevor Langan."

"I wasn't – " Rafael paused, frowned. When he spoke again, his tone had softened. "Olivia… is there a chance that she's mine?"

She took a deep breath, felt it shudder in her lungs; tears began to prickle at her eyes. All she had wanted to do was protect Serenity, and now she had flung the door wide open – to what end? "Every chance," Olivia said, her voice ragged with emotion.

It didn't feel good to let go of the secret.

And he looked like she had dropped a bomb in his lap.

TBC